Futility of worry

My mom quoted this saying, thought to have originated from the Appalachian hills of West Virginia where her maternal German immigrant grandparents settled to farm. Maybe hearing this saying all my life has helped me to put worry in its place. It has always been an useless but eager consumer of my energy that provided NO benefit at all. I would even say that "worry" is really no more than "our desire to control the uncontrollable" and when put that way; it sounds as absurd as I have seen it all these years.

Walking into full color...

Do you remember the magical moment in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy opened the door to their drab black and white tornado blown house into the full colorful land of Oz? I can still remember the first time that I experienced the awe of that magical moment and so many times afterwards I still felt a rush of joy and excitement in the anticipation that Dorothy "isn't in Kansas anymore" and has a full color adventure ahead of her.
 

In many ways, living in an abusive, unloving marriage is very much like living a "black and white" existence.

Giving thanks...every day of our lives

We are again, looking forward to Thanksgiving Day (here in the U.S. and Canada.) We may think of "giving thanks" on this day but have we really asked ourselves if we have an attitude of GRATITUDE toward life and the good things that we have and experience in it?  This Thanksgiving Day is the FIRST one since Nov. 28, 1985; the day the dark ages started that I will be able to spend it with my first love, best friend and soon to be husband and also my son and many friends. It is also the first Thanksgiving Day that I will experience without my mom; having lost her to cancer in September. Life really doesn't seem very fair in ways. My mom knew that I had reunited with my first love and that we would be married soon; she was really happy knowing how much I have loved him and felt loved by him. As ironic as it has already been stated, though my mom is not with us, knowing that I am where I "should have been" all along somehow seems to make it the BEST Thanksgiving Day ever in my life. A sad and bittersweet smile comes over my face with that thought.

Now, as for being thankful, I have ALWAYS been thankful. I have always felt grateful rather than entitled to happiness. I have always felt blessed and loved and been very grateful for the love that others have allowed me to share with them.  

This Thanksgiving Day I want to thank SARAH, my dear friend 

who believed in my dream of being with my first love again 

and who listened tirelessly at all my kvetching and confusion while working 

through domestic abuse...Even though neither of us really believed that I would ever be free of an abusive husband, she refused to deny my dream 

and did everything she could to help see my dream come true. 

I love you Bud!!! 

I have to send an heartfelt "thank you" to SHERRI, my dear friend

who has never failed to be loving and genuine with me. Her kindness and

 beautiful ways always encouraged me to be the woman who I really am.

You are precious to me, I love you.

I send a BIG Thank You to PAULA, who has been a dear friend 

for many years and seen me through the majority of both happy single hood 

(again) and then abusive marriage for the next 12 years. She encouraged me 

to not give up on myself and to trust God to work it all out. 

Thank you for "holding my arms up" in the midst of the battle. 

You are my heroine. I love you!

These three very precious friends have helped me come to live out my dream and they believed in me and validated me at times when I did not believe in myself. They never doubted what I shared with them of my love for my first love and my dreams of being with him. I am thankful that each of these dear friends are happy for me...that is what makes Thanksgiving Day so special to me this year. 

What about you?

It really is up to me...taking personal responsibility

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better 

Making our lives count

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon (1940 - 1980), "Beautiful Boy"

I enjoy a good movie. One of my favorite movies with Richard Dreyfuss is "Mr. Holland's Opus"(1995).  The above quote was taken from the movie; a very poignant and touching look at REAL life and if you haven't seen it I would like to HIGHLY recommend it to you. As in real life, the movie takes Mr. Glenn Holland from his young adulthood right out of college to his retirement from being a school music teacher; not the famous career that he had hoped for all of his life. It is as though Mr. Holland was always "working on his Opus" and not until the end of the story, (not a spoiler, don't worry), does he begin to realize that the journey WAS the life that he wanted all along and the destination was not the prize that he was truly seeking. 

 Life's a journey, not a destination.

 Steven Tyler

                                                                                                                                                  (NOW; THIS is a spoiler warning; one of the LAST scenes of the movie)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

"Adult Gertrude Lang:
Mr. Holland had a profound influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn't rich and he isn't famous, at least not outside of our little town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that he's achieved a success far beyond riches and fame. Look around you. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched, and each of us is a better person because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We are the melodies and the notes of your opus.  
We are the music of your life.  

   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  

We have heard that "life is what we make it". It doesn't have to be something that "happens to us", we can intentionally enjoy the daily journey of living, loving and growing and if perchance we "don't quite make our destination", we will be happy knowing that we have enjoyed the journey. It is like being on an Autumn road trip; sometimes it doesn't matter where you are going as long as you are enjoying the scenery along the way.

 

If we "don't' quite make the destination" that we had initially planned, hopefully we can look back on our lives and and say "that was really a good ride".

Is that your FINAL answer?

Haven't we all asked the question "What is the purpose of life?" We ask "Is this ALL my life is about, isn't there ANY more to it than THIS?", "WHO should I trust?", "WHAT can I do?", "WHEN will it be "my turn" for happiness?", "WHERE do I look for peace in my life?" or  even "WHY does he treat me so badly; will he ever change and respect me as I deserve"?

HOW can I cope with all of this?" 

The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. 

Uncertainty is the very condition 

to impel man to unfold his powers.
Erich Fromm

We ALL seem to want a final answer and get "resolve" on the sometimes unresolvable issues in our lives. I think a great part of stress for me is NOT having the "final answer" but finding that I had to make decisions that affected my life POSITIVELY without all the information "that I would have liked to have had". I say it that way because, sometimes, a NON-answer CAN BE answer enough for us. If we let it be, that is. I try to ask myself and challenge you to ask yourself  

"What do I really want in (or out of) life?" 

Take a moment to listen and be inspired by this wonderful song and video:

"Everything" by Barbra Streisand 

(courtesy of www.LoveSpeakes.com)

 
If you are like me, you want happiness, health, freedom to "be who you really are" and love on a daily basis. That answer does not place any need or desire on "knowing the answer for every question" that I have in life. Isn't that funny? NOT having the answer may not affect the quality and enjoyment of my life...That is a great realization. It is not so much the end result (having the answer) that matters but HOW we learn to cope with living with uncertainty that is out of our control and realm of influence. Uncertainty can thwart our plans, slow us down or discourage us but sometimes not "having the answer" could be answer enough for us if we only ask ourselves "what do I really want?" .

If I run across a magic Genie's lamp on a beach; I know that one of my "three wishes" would NOT be to "know the answer to every question" but I would make sure that ONE wish would be that I have all that I need to live life to the fullest and "let the uncertainties be what they will".

"Uncertainty  is the only certainty there is, 

and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security." 

John Allen Paulos

If this feel that this entry was inspiring or gave you a glimmer of hope that you had not felt before; please comment or check a REACTIONS box below. Thanks.

When you have self-respect, you have enough.

I can only imagine that if you who are reading this blog, have NOT been in an abusive relationship (I would only hope that is the case); that you may not be able to fully understand the depth and destruction of abuse in our lives. Daily stress of common life instance are complicated and turned into drama when we attempt to try to please an unappeasable person who exhibits "Just Plain Senseless" behavior as coined by Patricia Evans in her book, Victory over Verbal Abuse.

As I see it, abuse really boils down to ONE thing; just one characteristic that EACH abusive person exhibits and I will pose this question:

Why does it seem to be that ONE characteristic 

of a personality disordered person (or abusive person) 

seems to be that they do not "take someone's NO" for an answer?

Learning to say "NO", I propose is the answer to dealing with any abuse. 

JUST SAY NO.  

 Where do we start in a path of healing from past abuse and going onto personal growth? I propose that we start with our selves.

I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. 

What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. 

To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

In looking at the quote from the author of "The Little Prince", I can see that it is NOT what another person thinks of us but what we think of us that determines our self-respect and in many ways, happiness for being and living as an unique and wonderful human being. Without respect for oneself, I question if we we have respect for others. Much like love, respect requires that we have it "inwardly" to express it outwardly. What do you think of yourself today? Do you have self-respect? Have you allowed someone to disrespect you and/or undermine your self-respect?

In my struggle for self-respect and freedom from abuse, I and many others have repeatedly reported that they were accused of "being selfish". THIS statement by an abusive family member or spouse is not the right of anyone and is intentionally meant to demean us as St. Exupery stated above. Personally, I know myself enough to clearly say that the abuse kept me away from seeking my self-worth and self-respect, and subsequently, my increasing self-respect and knowledge of self-worth improved and was made more evident in my life. As my self-respect increased, the more I could see that I was NOT being respected by the "one person" who SHOULD have respected me the most. The more I realized that I was being disrespected and ultimately UNLOVED, the more confidence I gained in my ability and desire to "seek out the things that are me"; like my music, writing, singing, beaded jewelry making, etc. The more I enjoyed being me, the greater my self-respect increased and with it my creativity, personhood and my own enjoyment of my life. This has been my self-respect healing cycle. 

And it all started with me saying NO to abuse 

and "telling myself" 

that though I did not feel very much self-worth 

that I was VERY WORTHY of self-respect, love and happiness.

 

Would that there were an award for people 

who come to understand the concept of enough. 

Good enough. 

Successful enough. 

Thin enough.

Rich enough. 

Socially responsible enough. 

When you have self-respect, 

you have enough.

Gail Sheehy  

I love the concept of "being enough". So many times in the course of dealing with abuse, I have explained my frustration at not being able to appease or please an abuser by saying "NOTHING that I do is good enough". I am at the point in my healing that I can now clarify this statement and say that I probably meant: "I will never be good enough for one who will not accept and respect me as a person".  Accepting that "we are ok" (and not allow ourselves to be abused) NO MATTER WHAT someone else says is CRUCIAL to developing and nurturing self-respect. 

"Today I am enough.

I am smart enough. 

Wise enough. 

Clever enough. 

Resourceful enough. 

Able enough. 

Confident enough. 

I am connected to enough people to accomplish my heart's desire. 

I have enough ideas to pull off magic and miracles. 

Enough is all I need. 

Enough is what I have. 

I am more than enough."

Mark Victor Hansen 

I am MORE than enough. Can you say that with me today? I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH and

• I have every right to speak out against abuse toward me. 
  
• I have every right to live in peace and to live with those whom I love and who love and respect me in return.  
• I have every right to NOT BE ABUSED and respect myself.
• I have every right to emotionally and intellectually heal from past abuse and nurture myself in personal growth so that I can live out my dreams. 

I AM WORTH IT because I am enough!