The following are the writings and musings resulting from my daily 1,000 word/day writing assignment that I began in August 2011. It is really funny to find out what you really think about something when you have to write about it...lol.
Why do we struggle so much in believing that we are WORTH anything???? Looking at it with a logic and critical thinking "eye", it makes NO sense to "put oneself down"...For Heaven's sake, doesn't the World do that enough for us? How about our abusers? Haven't we learned that abuse IS NOT love and having been "loved" and abused is NOT what we deserve in life? We all struggle with so many things; inward things mainly.
We struggle with our IDENTITY; our self-worth and self-esteem. They have been shattered, crushed and mercilessly beaten into a pile that we just HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE to look at, sort out and clean up. WE ARE WORTH IT but we may not know that for YEARS after we begin to realize that we have been victims of abuse. THEN we can see ourselves as SURVIVORS and strive, not struggle, to dig ourselves out of the emotional pit, left there, feeling alone, due to ABUSE.
We struggle with OTHER'S PERCEPTIONS AND NEGATIVE COMMENTS and even continued ABUSE while trying to "find ourselves"...when we do that...we will have the determination, strength and focus to begin healing from the abuse and of course, hopefully, learn to dream again.
We struggle with OUR OWN HEALTH ISSUES; our physical, mental and emotional health all play into how we are able to "get on the healing path". Taking good care of ourselves physically is a GREAT start...becoming aware of our mental health and accepting our emotional responses to life, ourselves and abuse, in general, help us to become more MINDFUL and deliberate in our thoughts and behavior.
It ALL STARTS with KNOWING that WE ARE WORTH IT...no matter what I go through, I go THROUGH them and come out on the other side. A bit tired perhaps but victorious nonetheless. I may have fought DAILY to keep my wits about me but I am still standing. I may have to fight my inner demons and tell myself "I CAN do this" through positive affirmations. I will eventually TRUST myself and realize that I CAN give myself what I have been expecting from others all along.
I CAN do so much more and BE so much more than I have been. I MUST "FIND ME" and begin my healing journey..."I AM WORTH IT".
Dreaming
Finding the Words
I love to make beaded jewelry and find expression in the colors and textures and cuts of gems and the natural beauty of stones and glass that far exceeds what words could say. They say that a picture paints a thousand words and I believe that. If not for the color, depth, sparkle, richness and even opulence of such stones and metals, I could see that they could be as flat and one-sided as words on a page. The funny thing is with writing though is not so much of what it looks like but what it is able to express to the reader. The fantasy and drama of life that mere words may only allude to are laid upon a piece of parchment only to be picked up by the reader's wondrous world of imagination and given illustrations and sound and lighting. One paragraph becomes a moment in time, in real time. The words represent and allude to the expression of greater depth and thought. It is not for the faint of heart to either write or read about the deepest parts of the human soul; especially when it is our own and we feel and relive all the actions and events that mere words bring to our mind.
In Between
Running to catch up
- I AM worth it
- Dreaming
- Finding the Words
- The quiet stillness of the soul
- Solitude
- In Between
- Running to catch up
- The New Year
- A sleepy thought
- The road I have taken
- In the process
- Worlds away
- Learning to dream again
- A New/Old Dream
Why do we struggle so much in believing that we are WORTH anything???? Looking at it with a logic and critical thinking "eye", it makes NO sense to "put oneself down"...For Heaven's sake, doesn't the World do that enough for us? How about our abusers? Haven't we learned that abuse IS NOT love and having been "loved" and abused is NOT what we deserve in life? We all struggle with so many things; inward things mainly.
We struggle with our IDENTITY; our self-worth and self-esteem. They have been shattered, crushed and mercilessly beaten into a pile that we just HAVE TO FIND THE COURAGE to look at, sort out and clean up. WE ARE WORTH IT but we may not know that for YEARS after we begin to realize that we have been victims of abuse. THEN we can see ourselves as SURVIVORS and strive, not struggle, to dig ourselves out of the emotional pit, left there, feeling alone, due to ABUSE.
We struggle with OTHER'S PERCEPTIONS AND NEGATIVE COMMENTS and even continued ABUSE while trying to "find ourselves"...when we do that...we will have the determination, strength and focus to begin healing from the abuse and of course, hopefully, learn to dream again.
We struggle with OUR OWN HEALTH ISSUES; our physical, mental and emotional health all play into how we are able to "get on the healing path". Taking good care of ourselves physically is a GREAT start...becoming aware of our mental health and accepting our emotional responses to life, ourselves and abuse, in general, help us to become more MINDFUL and deliberate in our thoughts and behavior.
It ALL STARTS with KNOWING that WE ARE WORTH IT...no matter what I go through, I go THROUGH them and come out on the other side. A bit tired perhaps but victorious nonetheless. I may have fought DAILY to keep my wits about me but I am still standing. I may have to fight my inner demons and tell myself "I CAN do this" through positive affirmations. I will eventually TRUST myself and realize that I CAN give myself what I have been expecting from others all along.
I CAN do so much more and BE so much more than I have been. I MUST "FIND ME" and begin my healing journey..."I AM WORTH IT".
Dreaming
But if not for being impossible;
would it be a dream worth dreaming???
A thought about dreams came to me while I was writing my blog. I was writing about “having dreams” and really digging deep into what having a dream really means. I couldn't help but ask myself that if it were NOT impossible, then would it be a dream worth dreaming? If my “dream” would be possible, would it be a dream at all or maybe it would be a misguided goal or a hope that doesn't even come close to reality? Maybe the nature of a dream implies that it is NOT possible and thus to dream our life away as the Everly Brothers sang in “All I have to do is dream” is an accurate statement. I was dreaming my life away as I pined for my Love. I would think of the love that I shared with him; the “strong bond that we knew” as I wrote in the song “To see you once again”. How could it be so impossible to love him again and forever if we had such a wonderful love in the beginning? HOW could it be so impossible and why would I dream of it rather than plan on seeing him again. I would dream of looking deeply into his eyes; throwing my arms around him and feeling his strong arms about me. In my dreamlike state, I would feel the hot, moist eager mouth as his lips and mine pressed together in passionate union and I would think of and feel many other bodily sensations and responses to his touch and presence. How could it be so impossible if it existed at one time; couldn't it exist again and forever?
Dreams are something that can play with the mind. They are surreal and who knows how crazy they seem to others but to us; they are as real as waking up in the morning. They motivate us to get out of bed and slide into some decent clothes and go to work. They prompt us to evaluate every relationship that we have only to find that none of them come close to the one that we dream about. We are not looking at it with “rose-colored glasses” and forgetting the rough spots that we ran into ourselves along the way and the pain of the separation that only time can heal. We see our lives in the light and scrutiny of the dreams that we hold in our hearts. The dreams become the magnifying glass of our intentions and the filter by which the words that we use on a daily basis are chosen to reflect the plastic life that we have chosen over our dreams. Our dreams can appear more than real to us while living in a state of denial or constant insistence that the life that we are living is the only one that is available to us. Why would we tempt ourselves to believe that life could be better? Why not just accept the fact that life is what it is and it will always be what we have made it to this day and that we should put away those “childish” dreams and work with what we have.
Reality is not what it is so cracked up to be. I mean, really, does anyone expect us to live lives that are so miserable just because they are the ones who are afraid to dream? Maybe they think that we are as afraid of dreaming as they are; afraid of dreaming a dream that is so impossible that to consider it would peel back and uncover their layers of discontent with their lives. To dream is to not be afraid of the truth of our lives. I think that I can say and believe that if we are afraid of dreaming, we are denying the truth of the miserable existent that we have created. We have sacrificed our right to dream at the altar of a mediocre life. We have bludgeoned our imaginations in hopes that we will not have to face the defeat of our free wills to live as we would really like to live.
“To live a life worth living” is a cliché of clichés that have come to mean even less than the cliché had originally intended. Does anyone “live a life worth living?” If everyone “lived a life worth living” then tell me why there are so many dreamers; so many discontents and discouraged people in mid-life crisis who look at their lives and say “this isn't my life”?
I have stood and faced myself in the mirror many times; shaking my head in unbelief as to the life that I have acquiesced into living. I asked myself “how did I get HERE?”. “How do I get out of this mess and live a “life worth living?” “Isn't it too late to start over?” I would feel my spirit weakened and collapse under the inquisition and sadly admit: “Who am I trying to fool, I don't have a hope to live a life that I could only dream of”. The saddest part of this statement is that I was the one fooling myself that I could live a life worth living while living in misery and want. Oh, I don't mean that I was so miserable and wanted so much that I would never be happy while being in that place; no, it was more like I was miserable and wanted so much APART from what my life consisted of that I was dreaming of being so far away, like somewhere “over the rainbow”. Even Dorothy caught a glimpse of some wonderful land “beyond where the bluebirds fly” while she was living in the black and white Dustbowl infected land of Kansas on the dismal farm with the ordinary characters found in an ordinary life.
Dreaming goes beyond what we can imagine. Dreaming is daring to want something that you can't even see and needing something that you can no longer live without. If but not for it being impossible, it would not be a dream worth dreaming.
Finding the Words
As one who loves to write, who has spent many years producing written pieces of encouragement and posters, emails and invitations to special events as well as creating, producing, organizing and directing special events, you would think that I would rarely run out of words. I am challenging and using my skills to discipline myself in writing by committing to writing over 1 thousand words each day. It feels odd at first that a person would sit down at the computer to write one thousand words for any reason but to actually sit down and write requires much more than the few minutes that it takes to type one thousand words. For example, I have sat down at my computer with about 30 minutes before I must leave the house to pick my son up from the bus stop. We have an errand to run after that but then should arrive directly at home, however, I do not like my “work” to be interrupted. I am not even sure how long it takes to write one thousand words but so far; it seems to take close to an hour. I am really challenging myself with a time limit today as I want to complete this task and move onto other things this afternoon.
I love to make beaded jewelry and find expression in the colors and textures and cuts of gems and the natural beauty of stones and glass that far exceeds what words could say. They say that a picture paints a thousand words and I believe that. If not for the color, depth, sparkle, richness and even opulence of such stones and metals, I could see that they could be as flat and one-sided as words on a page. The funny thing is with writing though is not so much of what it looks like but what it is able to express to the reader. The fantasy and drama of life that mere words may only allude to are laid upon a piece of parchment only to be picked up by the reader's wondrous world of imagination and given illustrations and sound and lighting. One paragraph becomes a moment in time, in real time. The words represent and allude to the expression of greater depth and thought. It is not for the faint of heart to either write or read about the deepest parts of the human soul; especially when it is our own and we feel and relive all the actions and events that mere words bring to our mind.
I am very tired today for some reason and my mind does not want to think in words; it wants to “play hookey”. My mind and imagination seem to be even lazy today but I am forcing myself to produce thoughts and expressions on paper using words to define, construct and bring live to the images that I see in my mind. Isn't THAT what writing is all about? Bringing to life in words the actions and “play” of the mind; describing each movement and color; the changes of temperature and the movement of the sun to describe the time of day. I hear the soft roar and whirring of the tall fan at my office's entrance, gently moving the slightly stuffy air past me as I sit before my computer screen as it illuminates the darkened and slightly naturally lit room. The clock tells me that I have 17 minutes to finish this discourse before I leave our house to walk and meet my son at the bus stop. The whiteness of the screen screams and deafens me; ironically lulling me into a sleepy stupor. I wish I could lie down and take a nap before having to leave the house. I just can't believe that the day has gone by so quickly. My now 640 words need to stretch across the page and infiltrate this white space to create my completed work of the day. I need to type one thousand words that seem to have some sense and cohesiveness. I really do want to learn how to write.
Apart from beading and becoming more aware of my surroundings, I have found that not judging every thought in my head to be something that absolutely no one in the universe would want to read. This thought would certainly doom any young aspiring writer or even an older one for that matter who is as inexperienced as myself. Fighting against my own thoughts is a battle of its own as I commit to writing my one thousand words today. I can see that this has been a big issue for me in the past but once I began to be more aware of it; it has seemingly faded into near non-existence. I find that writing is not the scary and perpetually weary task of putting words on paper as much as it is a wonderful challenge to affirm and transport my self-image into realms yet to be discovered. My eight hundred and thirty-seven words is forming a more congealed thought. I feel as if the words that I have been searching for; are not only at my fingertips and on the tip of my tongue but they drip off and spill out of me with an urgency and eagerness far beyond mere thinking. They appear to come to life and to bring to my page the excitement of composing a one thousand word writing assignment that actually speaks itself into existence and has a purpose and function far beyond completing my work for the day.
As I can see plainly that my one thousand word essay has come to the nine hundred and forty-seventh word that it is time to bring this disciplinary work of writing to a close. I must get my son off the bus and the clock tells me that I must leave in five minutes. Finding the words, finding the time, I only hope that someday I learn how to do this with greater precision.
The Quiet Stillness of the Soul
As I can see plainly that my one thousand word essay has come to the nine hundred and forty-seventh word that it is time to bring this disciplinary work of writing to a close. I must get my son off the bus and the clock tells me that I must leave in five minutes. Finding the words, finding the time, I only hope that someday I learn how to do this with greater precision.
The Quiet Stillness of the Soul
There are times, many times in my life, where I have felt a deep peace, a stillness, and quietness in my soul that seem to pervade all the noise of the environment around me and overtake it. It totally fills my inner self with a great fullness; unlike the fullness of eating a large meal or a filling and overflowing of joy that comes after a family gathering, no, it is not like those at all. It seems that things like this are not usual subjects of conversation or interrogation. It is as though it only exists in the person who experiences it and cannot be brought out in the land of the living as other more common experiences can be. Maybe the experience of deep inner peace is not so common. The quietness and stillness of the soul is rare, perhaps even matchless or incomparable to any other human experience and emotional reality. Perhaps this stillness is reserved and even preserved for those who will give it the time and space that it needs to take residence. It is for and only seen by the patient soul; the one who is willing to set aside all the cares of the world and experience this deep inner knowing of peace.
I remember hearing both children as I was growing up and young women as I grew into adulthood complain of loneliness. I never really understood what loneliness was or why it was so aberrantly avoided and even shunned by people who just did not have someone to talk to for a moment. I have had to see that the term loneliness is really preferring to be with others who are not available “leaving us only to ourselves” and I could never understand how that is such a bad thing. How could anyone be lonely if they had themselves to entertain and hold company with? I just don't understand why anyone would not prefer being alone to having to spend time with a boorish uneducated and unimaginative “friend”. Why would I want to be with others when my mind would entertain me with the history and imagination of the ages instead? Sir Edward Dyer wrote a poem called “My mind to me a kingdom is”; the most profound and most celebratory statement for the concept and practice of “aloneness” that I have ever found. I guess that is what being a writer and “dreamer of dreams” is all about. How could I ever get bored or lonely when I have so much going on inside me?
Loneliness and being alone are two separate ideologies. Loneliness must imply a wanting for a specific person; to be in their presence and to experience their being and feeling a deep yearning to be with someone who is not able to be with us for whatever reason. We feel “lonely” for them. We yearn to be with them and in being with them, perhaps we are finding a part of ourselves or even communing with ourselves in the only way that we have learned how up to this point in our lives. I would imagine that loneliness under this definition would bring about great sadness and longing for another. What bothers me most about this concept is that it totally obliterates the sufficiency of the self; the enjoyment of our own uniqueness and the unequivocal imagination of having a real relationship with our “selves”. It is almost “self-denial” in its greatest or lowest form. This is what truly saddens me. Being alone on the other hand may imply the desire to spend time alone; solitude and introspective moments of deep peace and soul searching. Being alone acknowledges the separateness that makes each and every one of us human and special. Being alone affirms me as an individual and as a unique and wonderfully creative and productive person who has many heartfelt wishes and desires and hopes for my life and those whom I love; why would I NOT want to be alone?
When I think of quietness I think of a very undisturbed night where the breeze is tranquil or nonexistent. The birds and crickets are even asleep. They are miraculously stilled and hushed as if a blanket has been spread and the earth is giving vigil to the night. The quietness can be deafening. It is an eerie emptiness that transcends and exceeds our imaginative process of being possible. The quietness almost hurts our ears in its loudness of its presence where some would say that the lack of presence is what causes the quietness; I contend that the quietness overtakes the confusion and noise.
When I think of stillness I can see a very serene pond or body of water that clearly and gently reflects the sky and all that is around it almost mirror like mockery that is a surreal picture of what does not exist. A paradox. Stillness is the absence of movement. Stillness of a body of water can reflect and reveal so much around it. It makes me wonder if a “still spirit” can do the same thing. Can a person with a “still and quiet spirit” reflect the world off of themselves for others to see? Just as “still waters run deep”, can a “still spirit” be deep with empowering quietness? There is something about the stillness and quietness that demands our respect and attention. Even louder than a scream for help, the stillness of the wind or water commands total honor. We are “stilled” in our tracks and must stop what we are doing and thinking in order to pay obeisance to the quietness; the stillness and the power of control whether it is revealed to us outwardly in nature or less obviously, in the heart of man.
There is much to say about the illusive qualities of quietness and stillness of the soul; but one only has to stop and listen; honor and respect the deep paradoxical full void of the self in its richest and most wonderful expression of life.
Solitude
I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.
Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person that I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself?
Solitude
I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.
Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person that I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself?
Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.
If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.
I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.
In Between
It is in between Summer and Autumn here in the Northeast United States. It is a time of cooling winds and less scorching days. It is a time of quieter neighborhoods as children have returned to school. It is a time that mother's meander in the shopping malls and grocery stores without the pulling and tugging of little ones of school age or the older whining of the young adult “tweeners” as they get in their daily complaint of why their electronic device is outdated and needs to be replaced. It is in between the heat and the cooling of the Earth. The change of the seasons is upon us and we are waiting, anticipating the various colors and hues that make Autumn the most beautiful season any where in the world.
We are in between the past and the future. We commemorated the terrorist attack that ravaged our homeland ten years ago yesterday. We want to leave the past in the past but have to remember so it doesn't happen again. If we forget the past; we are doomed to repeat it. The past is not far enough in the past for me. Ten years is not long enough to wipe the horrific scenes from my mind and heart that were seared into them on that day and the many days to follow.
We are in between peace and war. Yesterday was a reminder that we do not live in a peaceful world. We look back upon our childhoods and think that we had National peace at that time. The Cold War in Russia; the Korean War or police action in Vietnam. These were not our wars but we were involved in them to keep the peace here in the United States. We feigned peace in our lives when the brink of war loomed over our heads. We tried to hide our heads in the sand and turn our eyes away from the truth that there is NO peace anywhere; lack of war is NOT peace.
We are in between truth and untruth. We claim to know the truth; that the truth will set us free but we more live in the lie that we have the truth than have the truth that obliterates lies altogether. The truth is claimed to be absolute by those who will hold onto it and defend their behavior and justify their abuse with their truth. The truth; the real truth, does not justify dark deeds but brings all deeds into the light to determine if they be of the truth or not. We live in an age of deception. The truth is a lie. As in the book by George Orwell, 1984, we use “newspeak” and are convicted of “thought crimes”. The line of truth and untruth is fading and eroding and we try to cling onto the truth for truth's sake and even for our own sakes. Our sanity's sake requires an hold onto the truth as we see it.
We are in between life and death. Some would say that as long as we are alive; we live. I disagree. I believe I know many people who have lived and only existed rather than truly lived a life. I would say that they might even have clung onto death; death of dreams, death of hope and death of all that they ever desired or longed for and only lived in this life in a partial way. They lived while they died instead of living UNTIL they died. Life is precious. To not live our lives, is to accept death before its time in our lives. My parents, bless their hearts, in my opinion, did not fully live out their lives and enjoy them as I would have hoped for them or myself. Oh, they reproduced themselves; three times. My brother, myself and my sister and several grandchildren; only two being “natural” and four adopted and one for a short time, being by marriage which no longer in is the lineage are what my parents accomplished in their lives. They worked, they loved and some would say that they lived. I say that they hung onto life but did not swing with it. They did not let the breeze take them to new realms or fly over mountainous lands and deep seas. Their imaginations had no room to play but in the backyard where we played wiffle ball and yard jarts and was tolerated with our childish banter and joyfulness. They sat inside; reading the news on the printed page and writing bills and preparing meals. There seemed to be little joy in their lives. Some would say that they were raising a family but I believe that they were in between life and death and didn't know that by clinging to death and the expected end even in their desperate denial of their own mortality, they were denying the life source and force that could have changed their morbid existence into real living.
We are in between our heads and our hearts. We still have the hope and personal opportunity to take these in between times and make the most of them. We don't have to believe what we have always believed because someone else said so or passed a law that it should be done that way. We have more than our minds to guide our paths. We have hearts that must be engaged in this life if it is to be fully lived. Our heads only get in the way and leave us in the summer, the past, the fake peace, the truth that we do not see or the life that we can only hope to live. Our hearts are the connections between what is seen and what is unseen. To believe with the mind is to accept what others perceive without personal conviction. To believe with the heart, bridges the in between parts of our lives and fills it with meaningful, loving and life giving hope to step out of what we are in and move to where we ought to be.
Running to catch up
I am behind on my “one thousand word a day” assignments and I feel a little frazzled by it. Of course, I have many other things on my mind and writing seems to easily; too easily slip to a lower priority; as if mourning or pining or worrying should take priority over it.
I was encouraged today; my Love read some of my writing and he used words and phrases such as “good” and “I'm impressed” and “thoughts flow”. His opinion matters a great deal to me. His mind is one of those “steel traps” that quickly processes and logically slices and dices the illogical things of this world and he said that “he agreed with much of what I wrote”. I could feel the smile creep over my face. His approval means SO much to me. I have always wanted him to be proud of me, support my endeavours and rejoice with me in my accomplishments. His affirmations do less for me. As he has said of me and his inspiration for playing music when I was not with him; I echo with his absence and my successes, “my muse had left me”. Oh I was inspired in many ways but the one person, the one man whom I desired to please the most has always been my Love. His thoughts and opinions on any subject, any work of art, any thought or ideology has always been foremost from the heart with honest analysis. He does not “grade on a curve” but looks at art in an “as is” sort of way. He does not agree just in order to impress or preserve or protect himself from scandalous rejection. All in all, his comments so far are no less than very positive affirmations to me though he was deep in thought and concern over other issues and did not dedicate more than twenty minutes to reading my blog. I really appreciate his effort and insight, so far.
I have been working on my blog for about three months now and feel that I have come a distance from an inexperienced blogger into one whose mindset is to write interesting and helpful articles and pieces of writing. I have a wealth of experience and understanding about abuse that I can write about. The topics of each blog entry; usually about four hundred and fifty words in length on the average, usually presents itself with quite a bit of inspiration and perspiration. Thomas Alva Edison quoted: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” I have been inspired and feel that even a “mustard seed” of inspiration can grow into a mighty oak if we work at it with all we have. We just have to be “all in” as they say. If I am inspired but do not work; what sort of lazy way do I expect to succeed? I am not exactly sure where the inspiration is coming from or what is its source. I really feel that it is more “respiration” than “inspiration” for me at this point in my writing.
I feel that I just have to write, not as a warm fuzzy “I can do this” sort of feeling to inspire me but a more of a “breathing in and out” second nature to me as if I “I cannot NOT do this”. Like waiting for our next breath, we don't know when or where or even are aware that we need to breathe, yet we do it. Writing is like that for me. It is what I do. I like what Rumi said “Make what you love, what you do”. That so resonates with me that I think that I have finally reached a “plane” in life that I am “doing what I love”. That passion just to “be” must be my “muse” and inspiration. Now, writing one thousand words daily may not seem like an daunting task, but if you have never set out to write one thousand words in one writing piece that seems to present a cohesive theme with interesting imagery and profound insight and manage to reach one thousand words and “wrap it up” with a witty ending, you really have no idea how challenging it really is.
Writing on my Blog “singing a new song” is very natural for me. I feel as though I am speaking out for the woman, the christian woman, the christian woman who was held prisoner in an abusive marriage by a personality disordered spouse (and his daughter) and the christian woman who after being held prisoner in an abusive marriage by a personality disordered spouse who wants to find the strength to break free from abuse and follow her heart's dream of seeing her First Love again. I am speaking for those who have not yet found their voice. I am speaking for the abused and downtrodden, the depressed and oppressed, the woman in denial in hopelessness and the person who realizes that life is just too darn short to put up with a controlling person; no matter who that person thinks he is. I am speaking out for the rights of each woman, each christian, each person and each dreamer to break free from all that has held them back and reach out toward their dreams with all boldness. I speak out and give voice to the lover who has finally decided to not continue living life as they have but who knows that they must give up everything to get all that they have ever wanted.
I feel good about the person I am becoming. I am fully convinced that “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” (Lao Tzu) I have let go of the woman who was abused and have become a butterfly who has broken free from the cocoon. I wrote this article in order to finish my writing assignment and I see now that I have come to the conclusion; that “in letting go” I receive.
The New Year
I realize on this first day of the "New Year" that the only newness that I will experience is what I bring with me into this new time period. If I would mentally "drop" the past and "start" over, what would I be starting with? I have myself. I cannot deny myself and leave MY SELF in the past. I know that I do not want to do that. I MUST bring MY SELF into this NEW year. With MY SELF, I bring all of my experiences, the pains and joys; the loss, grief and sorrow along with the hope, peace and love. So really, when it all boils down, what do we REALLY take with us into the future? Do we REALLY have a fresh start or just a wonderful mental opportunity to START THINKING FRESHLY and therefore possible affect our lives in a more positive way? I would say that I am NO closer to from my future than I was on Dec. 31st. I am no farther away from it either. It is always BEFORE me. Right in front of my eyes. I can nearly touch it and with each thought and deed, I am forging the path that I will walk on with each step. I can put HOPE into my actions and enjoy each moment in "real time". Each day is new. The New Year just gives us opportunity to review our lives, decide upon what elements of our persons that we want to keep and take with us on our next step. It is almost miraculous that we can CHOOSE how we live our lives and what we have in it. I am amazed at the possibility that each day holds and if celebrating the "New Year" is a person's only time of reflection, contemplation and self-examination, then I would say that it has a grand purpose. I, on the other hand, think of EACH NEW DAY as another opportunity to learn, grow, become, forgive, live and love. EACH DAY is new. Let's not "wait" until the "grand celebration of the New Year" to celebrate our lives and "begin again" today.
A sleepy thought
Writing is becoming like breathing to me, in and out and without much conscious thought. It is beginning to have an ease, unfamiliar to me but so very welcome. At last I feel that I can pour out my thoughts and feelings as paint onto a canvas and splash the color of my mood and the depth of it deepened with adding just the right amount of black. Somber tones. They are what gives the brilliant tones their true beauty. If dark tones were not so eerie, then maybe the bright and lovely colorful hues would not attract us so much. For the first time in my life, I felt some thoughts rush out of me as to escape the confinement of my self-doubts and fear of the unknown writing world in a way that I have never felt before. There was a freedom in my writing, a joy that could not be expressed any other way and a delight that tickled my mind with the notion that maybe, someday, I will be a writer.
The road I have taken
If not for the writings on this blog and Singing A New Song Facebook page, I may all but look back upon my life in the past 15 years with blurred vision and foggy understanding. I realize that I DID SUFFER FROM ABUSE and how long it took me to realize that as a fact. I had struggled MORE WITH ME than anything else in my life. I had gotten more "in my own way" more than I had allowed anyone to obstruct my progress. My "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" was a slow and uncharted path of healing progress that I am looking BACK upon to reconstruct for those who will follow along on their healing journey. I did not chart the course to write a blog about my experience and healing from abuse, neither did I set out to share with the world my emotional and mental pain and disappointment in relationships that were more promising than most seemed to be at the time. I did not plan on being a "face of an abuse survivor" for all to see per se, but I do have the face and heart and soul of an abuse survivor and I am GLAD to share how I survived and GREW THROUGH abuse to freedom.
In the process (May 1, 2013)
"Finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". This is the process that I have found to naturally occurring in my life. It may be helpful to you as well to "plot your progress" along with me as we work "through the process" of "Singing a New Song".
We have often heard the saying "It is IN PROCESS" meaning that it, whatever "it" is, has started but is not yet completed. It is somewhere "in the process". I often ask on the Singing A New Song Facebook page and our blog at this site, the same question over and over again. WHERE are YOU in the process of healing from abuse? Have you begun to find yourself? Are you struggling with healing from abuse? Are you thinking about learning to dream again?
Do you feel a different life within you from the one you are living in "reality" and perhaps, it is a "new song" that is being written within your soul...can you hear it??? Hum along. Is it a jazzy little upbeat number, a bit on the happy side or is it a spicy, exciting adventurous or mysterious tune that intrigues and entices you to dance a bit? Maybe it is a beautifully soothing instrumental meditative melody that creates a blanket of comfort and a place of rest and relaxation. Perhaps...oh, we could go on and on...only YOU know what may know what "your song" sounds like...even if you are still "in the process" of "Singing a New Song". It is there. You will find it. It WILL be glorious!!!
My song has always been a "declaration of freedom" and a spunky and gutsy "free to be me" anthem sung full voice, with color, confidence and clarity. Sometimes, it has softened to a love song...a longing to "do what I love" and to fully embrace all the beauty around me and even an encouragement to create more beauty outwardly that I see within.
No matter WHERE you are in the process, it is MOST IMPORTANT that you become aware of your process of living. What area of life are you wanting to start spending more time and effort into developing and enjoying???
If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".
Where ever you are...don't judge yourself in how you got there. We have all gotten to the same place where you are right now by just being human. By trying to survive. By trying to love. By being hurt and hopeful and disappointed. You are NOT alone. You are not a loser. You are WORTH all the effort that you can give and a good counselor could invest, into "find yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".
If you don't know where to start on your healing journey, START by believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...because you are!!!
Worlds away (October 6, 2015)
It seems that I am worlds away from times of stress and pain and sorrow. The past remains in the past and I have moved on. Always forward. And for whatever reason, I muse about it now, for sentimental reminiscence only, do I look back to where I have been only to be very grateful to no longer be there and to be in the place that I had longed to be so long ago.
I have often viewed my life as my "lives". I have lived as a young single, a young married with no children, a divorced single, a remarried stepmother, a married mother, a mother who had lost a child to stillbirth, a mother with children taking care of parents, a single parent, a single parent relocating and finding new employment and life for my son and myself. I feel like I have had the opportunity to live many lives. My life as a short-term missionary to France. My life as a worship leader and soloist in the church and in chorale groups. My life as an abused wife and stepmother seeking help and safety and a new life. My life of fulfilling my lifelong dream to only find that it was truly a nightmare. Of all my lives, I will say assuredly, though it is hard being a single mom...I am also a free woman who is raising her nearly grown son and soon to be embarking on a LIFELONG love relationship with no children...only a man of my dreams.
I have felt worlds away from real love most of my life. I had believed that I had HAD real love, however briefly, only to find that it was an abusers "hook" or "love bombing" or a mentally ill partner's Borderline Personality Disorder. I have not yet experienced...the "LOVE" of all loves with a man yet. That is the world that I am heading. My goal. My journey of healing leads me to a new life and new love...a great life and a forever love. I am hopeful. More than I have ever been before. I will not give up. I will not look back upon my "losses" and mourn. No. I have sought after what I have longed for and I will not regret having done so. I will no longer look back for nothing that I have left is worth my time or love again. It is GONE. I am gone and I am going on to the greatest life and love that I have ever known.
Learning to dream again (Nov. 3, 2017)
It's been over 6 years since I began this "Writings and musings" page to challenge myself to write 1,000 words a day. I have failed terribly in meeting that goal. I would love to say that I have written much more, daily, since then, but as we all know, "life happens" and writing didn't. But that didn't stop me from "learning to dream again"...the third and not final or ending phase of "Singing a New Song's" healing process. It has taken me time and time again to encourage myself to continue not only to but THROUGH this final process.
I didn't just go through the Singing a New Song healing process once, I have been through it 3 times, at least...and maybe even on a daily routine of "accepting myself, accepting that "sh*t" happens and accepting that dreams can die". I have had many "dreams come true" and it is because the last one turned into a nightmare, that I somehow, still believe that I CAN dream again.
I suffered through illness brought on by depression and not caring for myself as many do. Employment was not always as regular or as challenging as I truly like and my life path seemed to have veered off course with the loss of a most wonderful dream. It was so wonderful to see it come true. I never really thought that it ever would, but it did. I sought it. I yearned for it and through its acquisition, I learned the steps, repeatable and successful steps to see another dream come true.
It all started with seeing "the dream" die, many years ago. It was a turbulent love affair. One that seemed to end in marriage and a "happily ever after" but it didn't. I didn't understand then but I knew, instinctively that it was an emotional or mental issue with my loved one. So smart. Outlandishly and uncommonly intelligent. A poster child for "too smart for his own good". No one could tell him that he needed to seek help. I was not and am still not a psychologist, though a good "armchair counselor" to those in need. I loved him while married to two other men, not at the same time. I prayed to return to him and God opened Heaven, heard my prayer and gave me the desires of my heart. My dream came true. It took less than 3 months to realize that it would be short-lived. That the dream come true would turn into a nightmare of hellish proportions and I would live through the most agonizing heartbreaking even after two failed marriages, the loss of a son to stillbirth and betrayal by my son's father. All of it together could not measure up to the broken dream's devastation in my life. So it really died twice. I told him that there will not be a third time.
It has now been 4 years (in December) since I left my dream behind and I know that I will no longer chase it. That dream left my heart crushed upon the floor by the feet of a man whom I had so loved. I picked myself up and started to take the baby step to reinvent my life, recreate myself, transform my thinking and focus on "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...it wasn't until this past year that I found my dream...
I am ready to dream again and see THIS dream come true. It is the time that I do not rely on anyone else to make this dream come true. I will not be betrayed again. I will trust those whom prove themselves trustworthy. With the following message, I speak "Physician, heal thyself" to myself...and you.
If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".
I have longed for a better life and once I gave up on trying to have the life that I had but lost due to the mental illness of my "first love", then I was ready...I had visions that I had not dared to entertain. I realized that I had misplaced my hope, held onto delusions and clung to denial...for too long.
My dream? Doing what I love to do in France. I have been studying my French for the past year and have a goal to be fluent by 2019. To live there for at least one year, maybe more. I have big dreams, those are the only kind worth dreaming!!!
The New Year
I realize on this first day of the "New Year" that the only newness that I will experience is what I bring with me into this new time period. If I would mentally "drop" the past and "start" over, what would I be starting with? I have myself. I cannot deny myself and leave MY SELF in the past. I know that I do not want to do that. I MUST bring MY SELF into this NEW year. With MY SELF, I bring all of my experiences, the pains and joys; the loss, grief and sorrow along with the hope, peace and love. So really, when it all boils down, what do we REALLY take with us into the future? Do we REALLY have a fresh start or just a wonderful mental opportunity to START THINKING FRESHLY and therefore possible affect our lives in a more positive way? I would say that I am NO closer to from my future than I was on Dec. 31st. I am no farther away from it either. It is always BEFORE me. Right in front of my eyes. I can nearly touch it and with each thought and deed, I am forging the path that I will walk on with each step. I can put HOPE into my actions and enjoy each moment in "real time". Each day is new. The New Year just gives us opportunity to review our lives, decide upon what elements of our persons that we want to keep and take with us on our next step. It is almost miraculous that we can CHOOSE how we live our lives and what we have in it. I am amazed at the possibility that each day holds and if celebrating the "New Year" is a person's only time of reflection, contemplation and self-examination, then I would say that it has a grand purpose. I, on the other hand, think of EACH NEW DAY as another opportunity to learn, grow, become, forgive, live and love. EACH DAY is new. Let's not "wait" until the "grand celebration of the New Year" to celebrate our lives and "begin again" today.
A sleepy thought
Writing is becoming like breathing to me, in and out and without much conscious thought. It is beginning to have an ease, unfamiliar to me but so very welcome. At last I feel that I can pour out my thoughts and feelings as paint onto a canvas and splash the color of my mood and the depth of it deepened with adding just the right amount of black. Somber tones. They are what gives the brilliant tones their true beauty. If dark tones were not so eerie, then maybe the bright and lovely colorful hues would not attract us so much. For the first time in my life, I felt some thoughts rush out of me as to escape the confinement of my self-doubts and fear of the unknown writing world in a way that I have never felt before. There was a freedom in my writing, a joy that could not be expressed any other way and a delight that tickled my mind with the notion that maybe, someday, I will be a writer.
The road I have taken
If not for the writings on this blog and Singing A New Song Facebook page, I may all but look back upon my life in the past 15 years with blurred vision and foggy understanding. I realize that I DID SUFFER FROM ABUSE and how long it took me to realize that as a fact. I had struggled MORE WITH ME than anything else in my life. I had gotten more "in my own way" more than I had allowed anyone to obstruct my progress. My "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" was a slow and uncharted path of healing progress that I am looking BACK upon to reconstruct for those who will follow along on their healing journey. I did not chart the course to write a blog about my experience and healing from abuse, neither did I set out to share with the world my emotional and mental pain and disappointment in relationships that were more promising than most seemed to be at the time. I did not plan on being a "face of an abuse survivor" for all to see per se, but I do have the face and heart and soul of an abuse survivor and I am GLAD to share how I survived and GREW THROUGH abuse to freedom.
In the process (May 1, 2013)
"Finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". This is the process that I have found to naturally occurring in my life. It may be helpful to you as well to "plot your progress" along with me as we work "through the process" of "Singing a New Song".
We have often heard the saying "It is IN PROCESS" meaning that it, whatever "it" is, has started but is not yet completed. It is somewhere "in the process". I often ask on the Singing A New Song Facebook page and our blog at this site, the same question over and over again. WHERE are YOU in the process of healing from abuse? Have you begun to find yourself? Are you struggling with healing from abuse? Are you thinking about learning to dream again?
Do you feel a different life within you from the one you are living in "reality" and perhaps, it is a "new song" that is being written within your soul...can you hear it??? Hum along. Is it a jazzy little upbeat number, a bit on the happy side or is it a spicy, exciting adventurous or mysterious tune that intrigues and entices you to dance a bit? Maybe it is a beautifully soothing instrumental meditative melody that creates a blanket of comfort and a place of rest and relaxation. Perhaps...oh, we could go on and on...only YOU know what may know what "your song" sounds like...even if you are still "in the process" of "Singing a New Song". It is there. You will find it. It WILL be glorious!!!
My song has always been a "declaration of freedom" and a spunky and gutsy "free to be me" anthem sung full voice, with color, confidence and clarity. Sometimes, it has softened to a love song...a longing to "do what I love" and to fully embrace all the beauty around me and even an encouragement to create more beauty outwardly that I see within.
No matter WHERE you are in the process, it is MOST IMPORTANT that you become aware of your process of living. What area of life are you wanting to start spending more time and effort into developing and enjoying???
If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".
Where ever you are...don't judge yourself in how you got there. We have all gotten to the same place where you are right now by just being human. By trying to survive. By trying to love. By being hurt and hopeful and disappointed. You are NOT alone. You are not a loser. You are WORTH all the effort that you can give and a good counselor could invest, into "find yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".
If you don't know where to start on your healing journey, START by believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...because you are!!!
Worlds away (October 6, 2015)
It seems that I am worlds away from times of stress and pain and sorrow. The past remains in the past and I have moved on. Always forward. And for whatever reason, I muse about it now, for sentimental reminiscence only, do I look back to where I have been only to be very grateful to no longer be there and to be in the place that I had longed to be so long ago.
I have often viewed my life as my "lives". I have lived as a young single, a young married with no children, a divorced single, a remarried stepmother, a married mother, a mother who had lost a child to stillbirth, a mother with children taking care of parents, a single parent, a single parent relocating and finding new employment and life for my son and myself. I feel like I have had the opportunity to live many lives. My life as a short-term missionary to France. My life as a worship leader and soloist in the church and in chorale groups. My life as an abused wife and stepmother seeking help and safety and a new life. My life of fulfilling my lifelong dream to only find that it was truly a nightmare. Of all my lives, I will say assuredly, though it is hard being a single mom...I am also a free woman who is raising her nearly grown son and soon to be embarking on a LIFELONG love relationship with no children...only a man of my dreams.
I have felt worlds away from real love most of my life. I had believed that I had HAD real love, however briefly, only to find that it was an abusers "hook" or "love bombing" or a mentally ill partner's Borderline Personality Disorder. I have not yet experienced...the "LOVE" of all loves with a man yet. That is the world that I am heading. My goal. My journey of healing leads me to a new life and new love...a great life and a forever love. I am hopeful. More than I have ever been before. I will not give up. I will not look back upon my "losses" and mourn. No. I have sought after what I have longed for and I will not regret having done so. I will no longer look back for nothing that I have left is worth my time or love again. It is GONE. I am gone and I am going on to the greatest life and love that I have ever known.
Learning to dream again (Nov. 3, 2017)
It's been over 6 years since I began this "Writings and musings" page to challenge myself to write 1,000 words a day. I have failed terribly in meeting that goal. I would love to say that I have written much more, daily, since then, but as we all know, "life happens" and writing didn't. But that didn't stop me from "learning to dream again"...the third and not final or ending phase of "Singing a New Song's" healing process. It has taken me time and time again to encourage myself to continue not only to but THROUGH this final process.
I didn't just go through the Singing a New Song healing process once, I have been through it 3 times, at least...and maybe even on a daily routine of "accepting myself, accepting that "sh*t" happens and accepting that dreams can die". I have had many "dreams come true" and it is because the last one turned into a nightmare, that I somehow, still believe that I CAN dream again.
I suffered through illness brought on by depression and not caring for myself as many do. Employment was not always as regular or as challenging as I truly like and my life path seemed to have veered off course with the loss of a most wonderful dream. It was so wonderful to see it come true. I never really thought that it ever would, but it did. I sought it. I yearned for it and through its acquisition, I learned the steps, repeatable and successful steps to see another dream come true.
It all started with seeing "the dream" die, many years ago. It was a turbulent love affair. One that seemed to end in marriage and a "happily ever after" but it didn't. I didn't understand then but I knew, instinctively that it was an emotional or mental issue with my loved one. So smart. Outlandishly and uncommonly intelligent. A poster child for "too smart for his own good". No one could tell him that he needed to seek help. I was not and am still not a psychologist, though a good "armchair counselor" to those in need. I loved him while married to two other men, not at the same time. I prayed to return to him and God opened Heaven, heard my prayer and gave me the desires of my heart. My dream came true. It took less than 3 months to realize that it would be short-lived. That the dream come true would turn into a nightmare of hellish proportions and I would live through the most agonizing heartbreaking even after two failed marriages, the loss of a son to stillbirth and betrayal by my son's father. All of it together could not measure up to the broken dream's devastation in my life. So it really died twice. I told him that there will not be a third time.
It has now been 4 years (in December) since I left my dream behind and I know that I will no longer chase it. That dream left my heart crushed upon the floor by the feet of a man whom I had so loved. I picked myself up and started to take the baby step to reinvent my life, recreate myself, transform my thinking and focus on "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...it wasn't until this past year that I found my dream...
I am ready to dream again and see THIS dream come true. It is the time that I do not rely on anyone else to make this dream come true. I will not be betrayed again. I will trust those whom prove themselves trustworthy. With the following message, I speak "Physician, heal thyself" to myself...and you.
If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".
I have longed for a better life and once I gave up on trying to have the life that I had but lost due to the mental illness of my "first love", then I was ready...I had visions that I had not dared to entertain. I realized that I had misplaced my hope, held onto delusions and clung to denial...for too long.
My dream? Doing what I love to do in France. I have been studying my French for the past year and have a goal to be fluent by 2019. To live there for at least one year, maybe more. I have big dreams, those are the only kind worth dreaming!!!
A New/Old Dream (July 2020)
They say you are never too old to dream again...no matter my age, I have realized that I am NOT going to stop dreaming and working toward my dreams. Even when a dream seems to die, that doesn't mean that it will not be resurrected. My one dream of songwriting and finding someone to "help me with my music" came true in 1996. I started attending and almost immediately was asked to "help out with the worship music" shortly after at the Erev Shabbat services at Tikvat Yisrael Messianic Congregation in Cleveland, Ohio. Not long after singing in the worship team; Jeff and I realized that perhaps we might become a songwriting team. It was July 1997 when I gave him my first song, ever to really make it to recording, on a cassette tape and handwritten lyrics 2 days before I boarded a plane for a 2-week Missions trip to France (Paris, Montlucon, Vichy, Lyon, Marseille, 1 week, then Paris to home). As I entered the church where we worshiped on Saturday (Shabbat), Jeff was at the piano and started playing "my song", Disciples Prayer. We recorded 19 songs total; live at the First Fruits of Zion Conference in Toledo (1 of 6 conferences where they used our "Jars of Clay" song as their theme song) and 18, all but Disciples Prayer made it onto the CD. I have had this one song on cassette until JUST a few weeks ago when I converted it to digital WAV file and now I can listen to it on my computer. Well, I've share ALL of this to share more; we thought, perhaps that the dream was over...until this January 2020.
