Looking back to look forward

Isn't it paradoxical that sometimes we "have to look back" to get on with life?

As a christian who has faced and lived with domestic abuse from my husband of 11 years, I have forgiven, forgotten, "let go" and "lived with" the many responses IN ME to the abuse that I have endured and may continue to be affected by from my husband. I have prayed, journaled, cried, counseled, made collages and wrote songs to work through the varied "hoops" of domestic abuse and control. I have begged, pleaded, bargained and compromised my SELF in order to live WITH him and for this;I am paying myself back with interest... more on this later.

Though we are separated and I am raising our son with his some assistance for our son's needs, I find that looking back is not as hard for me as it was before. I have detached emotionally after seeing the abuse for what it really was.

Wifely submission?

This seems to be my husband's "land rights" to me as a person; his reason that I "must do as he says" and that I must not "disagree" with him in any way and that to suggest or question is to "act disrespectfully toward him"...above and beyond this disrespectful and judgemental behavior toward and expectations of me; I was not able "to be me"...the biggest sin...I just KNOW that it is addressed somewhere in God's word; under many different descriptions for in my opinion; it must be one of the most grievious sins that one can commit against another in the "Name of Christ"...it ought NOT to be and I believe it greives our Heavenly Father's heart to hear HIS Word used for selfish gain and control over another of his creatures.

This kind of "submission" has been adamantly DEMANDED by my husband. My true feelings of this action is this: a REAL (christian) man never needs to demand to "get respect"...he is respected. Period. This started in year 3 of our marriage after I conceived our son.

Looking back with NEW understanding is needed to begin a healing journey from abuse. To KNOW who we are in Christ Jesus; is the starting point to healing and a NEW life...it is my joy and ability to "sing a new song" through all the hateful abuse and control, I still have me and the Lord.

Two things that NO abuser will ever take from me again....

A new day...realizing that abuse is a thing of the past

I am going to try to log and review my journey through various abuses;
being a mature believer in Christ Jesus (Messiah Yeshua) and biblically grounded and not strongly doctrinally swayed AND being an AVID musical person; who sings, plays a few instruments, reads music a little, improvs alot and praises God with this awesome gift...this is the perspective from which my journey will take place.

Abuse is abuse; it is hard to define when one doesn't truly know what it is. I have a saying "I didn't understand that I didn't understand, until I understood" and that is the same way that our perspective is while we are being abused...it is as if our spirits will not permit us to acknowledge such hideous behavior toward us; unthinkable control for someone else's benefit, mind bending agony to admit that maybe; the other person, whom we deeply love, and says that they love us; is and has been abusive to us in many ways.

This is where I will start...praying that all who read, who need hope in an abusive situation or healing from known past abuses and who want to BE FREE and BE ME again will find hope in my journey. I have seen miracles by the Hand of God Himself...I hope to share with you and encourage you to seek Him and be healed and live in freedom!!!!

Sending you love...