Journey to myself

"I'm NOT lost, 

why do I need to FIND MYSELF?"

For many years, even while not knowing that I am and was at the time, an introvert, I was always curious about my life. Curious about how I felt and what I thought. I was always asking myself, "DO I KNOW MYSELF?" This quote by Herman Heese "Each man's life represents a journey to Himself"...speaks to me...

what about you???

What has this world become??? A place where when we "think of ourselves", we are being "selfish" and "conceited" or "self-absorbed"? ...and then we travel quickly to the extreme of lacking "self-awareness, self-insight and focus and purpose" in our lives. We become our own WORST ENEMY...Life must be (and if it isn't it should BECOME) the MOST WONDERFUL ADVENTURE and even though the GREATEST JOURNEY that we can ever embark upon is the "journey to ourselves", there are ROADBLOCKS to face and tear down.

One roadblock is when The SELF is not a constant presence in our lives. Due to mental illness or abuse; a disconnect has occurred between a person's SELF and their identity of themselves in this world. We can focus on becoming someone and MISS the mark of BECOMING the "BEST ME" that we can be. We are not looking for our selves because we do not KNOW that we are lost...

I have often thought that we have been AFRAID to face ourselves, that maybe we were not interested in learning more about ourselves because the little bit that we did know, did not intrigue us or draw us into learning more about ourselves. Maybe we didn't want to know anymore because the people who we haphazardly have become, are not people we would even want to know. This is tragic.

And then we know that ABUSE has left us with pain and damage to our SELVES that has changed how we are able to look at life and our selves. It hurts. We feel actually pain in "body memories" and even "flashbacks". The journey to our selves become like a path riddled with weeds and poisonous spiders and creatures that can further hurt us. We don't want to be hurt, so we do not "go there".

Whatever the reason; it is little more than an excuse to not "Live WILDLY, FULLY and FREELY and OVER the TOP". Don't "give up" on yourself or neglect to invest in your own life. No matter what is done to us in this world, should NOT be allowed to stop us from "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". Not now, not ever.

We are worth it!!! 

Find YOUR SONG and sing it!!!

Singing a New Song: 

title of this blog and the passion of my life.

I have sung many "songs" in my life and feel that I have lived many"lives" through much distress and abuse. I have not known the great love and peace that many say exists but I sought after it anyways. I realized that my road of emotional, mental and spiritual healing started with "finding me"; establishing peace within myself so I could  "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again". 

Deliberate Living (affirmation)

This phrase came to my mind. As an abuse survivor and one who is still "finding me", healing from abuse and daring to DREAM again, it reminded me of the "lost power" of choosing with MY WILL so...

Today, I CHOOSE...

that is a powerful and validating statement even if it has no qualifier or description of WHAT I choose. 

The mere act of choosing is the power and credibility of my WILL.

To CHOOSE all that I CHOOSE TO CHOOSE IS really living!!!!

I CHOOSE...to deliberately live today.

When we leave our lives up to chance, we are selling ourselves short of all that life has to offer us. We deserve SO MUCH BETTER than to "just have a chance" at life...we have a choice! We deserve to LIVE it.

Living each day as if it is my last...

Now THAT is a sobering statement but I will submit it with all sincerity. My mother is 87 years old and has been in good health all her life; or so we had thought. She was diagnosed with 4th stage progressive cancer and admitted to hospice care in June. Each day could be her last. One day will bring her last breath. I love my mother and to hear how each breath becomes more laboured is aching to me as her health declines. She says that she is not in pain and that has an answer to many prayers. She was always the picture of health. She was a poster child for good bowel health; eating fiber and even touting the praises of the lowly celery stalk for its fiber content and intestine saving powers. She would eat things that she did not like because they were "good for her". Even then, she "ended up" with a rectal tumor of all things. This life doesn't seem fair that way.

The reality of her illness and age and impending departure instils a deep regret in my heart and hot tears in my eyes. I have feared that she might not have "lived life to the fullest" because she was married to a Narcissistic abusive husband. I feel that though she had many family members, was greatly loved and respected by many, that she did not continue to pursue her dreams and "live each day as if it were her last" and now she is getting ready to face that day. Hopefully, she does not have the regret for living her life as she had lived it as I do.

This really makes me pause and think about my life and what I want to make of it. I learned that we have only this life to live and to live today we must glean our wisdom from our past, make today the best day of our lives and hold onto hope that tomorrow will only be better. I will never stop questioning what is important to me nor will I fail to believe that I deserve less than the very best life has to offer.

“Learn from yesterday, 

live for today, 

hope for tomorrow. 

The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

Albert Einstein

I owe so much to my Mom, a wonderful woman who taught me what hope is and reality should NOT be. I fervently and thankfully dedicate this blog entry in her honor. I love you, Mom.