The Gift

When you lose something in your life, stop thinking it's a loss for you...

it is a GIFT you have been given 

so you can get on the right path 

to where you are meant to go, 

not to where you think you should have gone.

~ Suze Orman ~

Have you embraced LOSS in your life? I have. I have welcomed loss and embraced the greater opportunities that I NOW have after having "received loss" in my life. It sounds like a contradiction in terms or paradox but we CAN receive loss...and I have received many losses and view them in my life as a GIFT.

I lost both parents to death; 15 months apart. They had lived full lives and I had the privilege of caring for them for the majority of the last 5 years of their lives as their health declined and lives came to an end. I am so thankful to have had good parents. I miss them of course, but I realize that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". In some strange way, this thought brings me much consolation and peace.

I have known, loved and lost to death several wonderful people of note in my life. Family members: My Grandmother, Great Uncles, Aunts and cousins. Neighbors: Mrs. Breyer's; the first Akron Police Deparment woman officer. Richard "Pa" Weldon; a beloved school choir director, church choral director and friend. Papa Max. An Lithuanian Holocaust Survivor; a very intelligent and loving man. Jeri Rhinehart. My music friend and opera aficionado whom I enjoyed watching and attending operas. There are so many others but these are at the TOP of my all important people in my life whom I have lost to death. I have been so blessed to have known these dear people of substance and authenticity. They ADDED so much to my life. I have to smile when I think of them; sometimes with an appreciative tear in my eye for all the beauty and love they brought to my life.

I have had several wonderful pets including several dogs, a few of them were just puppies, and even a feline and a few feathered friends. I will hold wonderful memories of fun in the sun at the dog park, providing dance music for my bird friends, and having the ability to nurturing an older "scaredy" cat who had been so neglected. I love animals and so appreciate having them in my life. The ones who may still remain alive, have lost a mother in many ways and the love of a special child who truly cared for them. I enjoyed making "Frosty Paw" treats and treating kitty to some "kitty pot". My most wonderful memory of a feathered friend occurred only a few days before my departure. A beautiful Blue and Gold Macaw, quite bright and supposedly a "one person" bird; blessed me with the privilege of allowing me to take her out of her cage without any attempt to bite or peck at me. She sat sweetly and happily on my hand without climbing up on my shoulder in a dominating stance then allowed me to pet her and kiss her on the beak before returning her to her cage. I supposed she had "made me her person". 

I have had so many valuable; albeit many more of sentimental rather than monetary valued possessions. I can say that I think that I have given away more of my belongings that what I have owned; which sounds absurd but that is certainly how it has felt. Maybe I wasn't their owner but perhaps I was just borrowing them for a time. They are all just things and I don't hold onto things or people if they don't ADD something to my life. 

I have not accumulated or hoarded things as a recluse or one who needs the security of things to have some peace in life. I have found peace in letting go of things. I have FREED myself from the prison of wanting something that I no longer own or enjoy. I do not have to "have them" to be happy. I am very happy and will continue to be happy without them...the things and persons will forever remain in my past. They are no longer a part of my life. I can SMILE about that. I have enjoyed them and let them go. 

I am free to embrace the moment; enjoy each day with new relationships; love, interests and hobbies that provide many more wonderful memories. 
As far as looking somewhere over the rainbow for happiness; I have found that I feel much like Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz who said: 

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, 

I won't look any further than my own back yard. 

Because if it isn't there, 

I never really lost it to begin with! 

Is that right? "

Maybe like me, you will hopefully discover that YOU are the person whom someone else has LOST due to neglect, abuse, unloving behavior who was a person who just wasn't worthy of you in their lives. 

Those who are worthy of your love, 

will keep and honor your love, 

not lose it. 

We may feel that we were foolish for loving or trusting something that was taken from us when actually, we are the most blessed people of them all.  But really, they DON'T MATTER TO US anymore. We are free to focus on things and persons who bring WORTH and JOY into our lives. We can be happy with ourselves even if we lose everything and everyone who once meant anything to us.... The ONLY thing that we truly need is ourselves.

We may feel that we have lost so much in our lives but We HAVE SO MUCH MORE than we have ever lost. Just hold onto memories that bring you joy; the rest doesn't matter at all. 
You have yourself, the GREATEST GIFT that anyone can have.

Are you happy?

Change. 

It is a hard thing to face. 

It can come to us simply disguised as a very simple question like 

"Are you happy?". 

If we are very honest with ourselves, 

and truly, we truly need to be totally honest with ourselves,

we will face the fears of knowing the truth, we will survive it,

and then we will have the single most powerful weapon in the universe, 

Truth. The most needed element of happiness.

Starting over...again. (repost; original added to "About this blog" page)

I had sat at the dawn of a day and meditated and prayed about my life and what grand purpose the remainder of my time on this planet might hold. Hearing the bullfrogs croak, the crisp crackling of the grass drying under the rising  warm sun's rays and seeing the vast landscape ahead of me allowed me to see that there is a start to everything; even every new day. After living through years of domestic abuse, I finally felt that it was time that I deserved to "start over".

Walking into full color...

Do you remember the magical moment in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy opened the door to their drab black and white tornado blown house into the full colorful land of Oz? I can still remember the first time that I experienced the awe of that magical moment and so many times afterwards I still felt a rush of joy and excitement in the anticipation that Dorothy "isn't in Kansas anymore" and has a full color adventure ahead of her.
 

In many ways, living in an abusive, unloving marriage is very much like living a "black and white" existence.

God made me, God can explain me...a christian view of abuse

This is a saying that I "made up" many years ago. I know that my being a wonderfully complex and intricately made female can be quite mind-boggling to those who are "trying to figure me out" and to that I reply "God made me, God CAN explain me". I really feel that we are not obligated to explain ourselves or be in a position where we must defend the right to "be who we are" and live as we choose. I have thought  of the I Love Lucy show, ok, I am showing my age with this, and Ricky would say to Lucy "Lucy, you got some "xplainnin to do" in his thick Latino accent. In abusive relationships, this fear, guilt and obligation (or FOG) to "explain ourselves" and even at times, "defend our beliefs and actions" can become all pervasive and the means by which we are controlled by those who do not seem to value us as individuals in their lives.

This even happens in "Christian" relationships. Marriages that are "in the sight of God" can be just as and even more defining, abusive, controlling and stressful than relationships without a "faith base". I believe that this is mainly due to deception. entitlement and perceived rights to  "authority" that a person that appears to be a "christian" but acts as an "abuser" has towards us. I have found many 'Christians" to be defining, judgemental and not "Christlike" as they propose. I believe that this is due to the "fake godly relationships" which are just as if not more displeasing to God as  "heathen" relationships.  The first boasts man's pride and fakes the "godliness and holiness of God" (having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof) and the second omits God in the relationship; at least honestly. 

I strongly believe that "defining" another person is abusive behavior and it is not the "right" of anyone to do that to another human being. God made me. Only God has the right to "speak into my life" and He does that by NOT defining who we are but AFFIRMING us; the ones whom HE has made and brought into existence. God made me, God can explain me and HE does not give anyone the right to define, demean, devalue and abuse me...ever.

Independence Day celebration...I am free from abuse.

This is the third  Independence Day that I have been able to truly celebrate my independence from abuse. Freedom. We take it SO for granted. Maybe we even thought that being married "to a christian" would "free us" from the woes of the "World" and we would not "suffer" as some do...WRONG! The divorce rate for Christians is NO different than the divorce rate for the general population and this should NOT be so! We are "freed" to be FREE in deed!!!! We are not "set free" to be "in bondage" to a "christian husband" who is pounding his fist and screaming "You will submit to me"...Yes, I know the above "scene" sounds improbable and surreal; but it happened and it happened to me MORE than once while I was living with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered man who was masquerading as a "christian"...I don't apologize for my perspective as I truly believe that HE BELIEVES that he is a christian but I am convinced that he is "deceived and deceives others", he is one that is referred to "as a wolf in sheep's clothing".

This is such a "crazy-making" concept that if your head is spinning right now, I apologize but I will clarify that it is NORMAL to feel confused and dazed at such "behavior". It is abuse and that is what abuse does to its victims; stuns them and as they "lie there" trying to get enough strength to get up and run away, more verbally abusive words are thrown at them such as "you are worthless", "who would want you?"..."You are a contentious, disobedient, un submissive wife who needs to be chastised"..."You deserve to be treated the same way that you have treated me" and one of the MORE crazy-making statements that I have ever heard is "I have always loved you and treated you the best that any man WILL ever treat a woman"...Being so dazed and confused, a woman's self esteem is shattered as her soul and any dreams for a "happy life" escape. She remains "in bondage" to the vows that she made in "good faith" to a man whom she believed would "love, honour and cherish" her all the days of her life. She feels stuck, lost and unloved...this is NO way for a "Christian marriage" to be.

On this Independence Day, let us also celebrate the personal freedom to live "as we are"; we are "free to be" the "me" that only God created and He has NOT taken away that right and given His power to any person who would use it to abuse us...enjoy FREEDOM today and say NO to abuse.

BTW: I went to a fireworks display and celebrated this freedom with "bombs bursting in air"...the "bombs" of abuse that are NO LONGER in my life...

 

A new day...realizing that abuse is a thing of the past

I am going to try to log and review my journey through various abuses;
being a mature believer in Christ Jesus (Messiah Yeshua) and biblically grounded and not strongly doctrinally swayed AND being an AVID musical person; who sings, plays a few instruments, reads music a little, improvs alot and praises God with this awesome gift...this is the perspective from which my journey will take place.

Abuse is abuse; it is hard to define when one doesn't truly know what it is. I have a saying "I didn't understand that I didn't understand, until I understood" and that is the same way that our perspective is while we are being abused...it is as if our spirits will not permit us to acknowledge such hideous behavior toward us; unthinkable control for someone else's benefit, mind bending agony to admit that maybe; the other person, whom we deeply love, and says that they love us; is and has been abusive to us in many ways.

This is where I will start...praying that all who read, who need hope in an abusive situation or healing from known past abuses and who want to BE FREE and BE ME again will find hope in my journey. I have seen miracles by the Hand of God Himself...I hope to share with you and encourage you to seek Him and be healed and live in freedom!!!!

Sending you love...