Do you love someone with mental illness?

I find "word clouds" to be a fun visual way of learning about a topic without actually studying it. Take Mental Illness for instance. Even the term "mental illness" is laden with feelings of foreboding and hesitation.

WHY are we allowing the stigma of mental illness to control our education about it???

I guess we really never learn about something until we have to learn it in order to survive through it. I had never understood that a person could be "mentally ill", and setting aside all the childish classroom humor of other students being "crazy", "retards" or "weird", I always saw people as "people" and believed that everyone was different and that difference was what made the world an interesting place to live. Little did I understand that there is ACTUALLY an illness of the mind. 

The body has illness. We can see when we have a runny nose. We hear that we have a cough or strained voice. We FEEL the pain of overexertion and carry in the way we walk for others to see that "we don't feel well" for whatever reason. We can see the cast on someone's arm or scar which was wrought by a tragic injury. We even sympathize with ourselves and others when we "don't feel good". 

But what about a "mental illness"? It can be an invisible barrier between people; dividing families and binding up the minds of wonderful people who are in constant struggle and pain with an invisible enemy; their own mind. They may try to hide it from themselves within addictions; they are the most common with alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders and addictions to nearly everything from smoking, video gaming and even something that may seem more accepted by society and even looked at as being positive traits like obsessive compulsive disorder, perfectionism and compulsive cleaning.  

I began to understand that I did not understand that MENTAL ILLNESS is real when I began to see OCD traits in my ex husband. When I mentioned his anger at me for not doing things as he did and that "I was ok just the way that I am" he would retort with hurtful and very extrapolated reasons as to how my behavior was not right and that his demands and anger over the salt and pepper shakers being set back into the cupboard where he found them was really a character flaw and evidence of my weakness as a person. 

I quickly realized that in some ways, he was not like me and the ways that he behaved seem unrational, unkind and very unloving but the purpose was for him to "feel good about himself". I realized this and began to explore the reasons WHY a person behaves this way. I started to learn about Obsessive Compulsive disorders that lead me into studying about Personality Disorders. I must have been on every website and forum and read nearly every book on these subjects in order to educate myself on "what had come into my home" under the guise of something lovingly accepted as "being his own person". We can "make allowances" for quirky behavior but when it crossed the line from quirky to abusive, THAT is when I started to listen to my heart and mind and start learning about mental illness...it is real. Sometimes we don't believe something exists until we "see it with our own eyes" and even then, we must brace against the tendency to deny it and delude ourselves into writing it off as "quirky behavior".

You have heard the saying "hurt people HURT people". I believe that this is true and probably truer for a mentally ill person than about anyone. They suffer daily. They may not realize at all that their behavior; their thoughts, their expectations and demands are putting a strain on their close relationships. They may have so much pain that they do not realize that they are "not emotionally connecting" to others as healthy people. 

If you are wondering why a loved one is miserable all the time, blames you for his/her problems, even says that YOU are "the problem" or that you are "mentally ill"...you can be sure that you love a very mentally ill person. Though they do not really intend to be so abusive, the unrequited love and lack of reciprocity in a relationship with a mentally ill person can suck the life right out of us if we allow it. Seriously, how can they have a relationship with us when all they find in us is fault (projection) and spending time with their addictions in order to cope? I have read about instances of severely addicted video gamers who admitted that their games were "the only joy they had". They hid the real reason for their misery in an addiction. This is a denial so great; that unless a mentally healthy person has direct contact in close relationship with a mentally ill person; we may not even give it another thought. It is "just the way he/she is" and since we don't have to deal with them all the time, we can "just live and let live". But for the person who is married to or in family relationship with a mentally ill person; the picture changes.

Educating ourselves about mental health and mental illness will help us recognize these traits in ourselves and others and enable us to live our lives to the fullest.

Self respect

We have learned so much about how we treat ourselves and that we teach others how they are permitted to treat us and if we respect ourselves, others will respect us. But in abusive relationships, even when we respect others, we may not have that respect reciprocated and thus we may be in danger of not respecting ourselves. This is a slippery slope of how our self-image and self-esteem can be damaged from abuse.

Where do we "draw the line" and set a boundary so that others will not disrespect us? Honestly, there are some people, abusive and unloving people who may never respect us. They may continue to treat us disrespectfully while boldly denying that they are doing so, for as long as we have contact with them. These are the people in our lives; or whom we have allowed into our lives, who may be suffering from mental illness. 

In my past verbally and emotionally (and intellectually as well) abusive marriage, I learned SO much about "me". I learned that if I allow someone to disrespect me, they will do so most of the time. This realization revealed much cognitive dissonance due to the fact that I wanted to believe that he "was the christian man that he claimed to be" while having to reconcile the facts of his behavior as being abusive toward me. This was the "denial breaker"...realizing that I did not have to believe anything about him but what the truth of his behavior said to me. I needed to acknowledge my feelings about it, him and our relationship OUTSIDE of the "christian parameters" that I expected of him. If this is an issue that you are facing; there are many other posts on this blog that might be helpful to you. I understand, care and can help in sharing my experiences and what "worked" for me. When we think about having a relationship with people who behave this way toward us, we need to honestly see how things really are. We need to step out of denial and have respect for ourselves.

I realized that the "more that I respected myself, the less that I allowed myself to be treated disrespectfully" without saying anything about it and without internalizing it allowing it to damage my "self" esteem. I could not stop his disrespectful behavior unless I removed myself, ended the conversation or walked away. He was so narcissistic that he would unlock doors, follow me while yelling and cursing and after a while of this, I began to see that this was NOT the behavior that a "christian man" should have toward his wife. 

Self-respect; developing it and maintaining it while comparing the disrespectful behavior from others while keeping it was the start of "finding myself". We all deserve to be respected. If by no one else but ourselves, it will be enough. 

We are worth it.  

Abuse in "christian" marriage?

I can only imagine the images that the term "abusive marriage" may conger up
in your mind but I would have to encourage you to look deeper and see that the intricate parts of relationship, marriage mainly, between a man and woman, abuse is MUCH LESS obvious than what you might first anticipate.

Let's DEFINE the term "abuse"...(Merriam-Webster)

1: a corrupt practice or custom

2: improper or excessive use or treatment : misuse 

3  obsolete : a deceitful act : deception

4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily

5: physical maltreatment 

Verbal abuse (also known as reviling or bullying) is best described as
an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes
of control. The underlying factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. As a result, the abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself, a form of warped projection.

Verbal abuse may occur to a person of any gender, race, culture, sexual orientation, age, or size. Typically, verbal abuse increases in intensity over time and often escalates into physical abuse as well. During intense verbal abuse, the victim will generally suffer from low self-esteem and low self-worth. As a result, victims may fall into clinical depression and/ or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Despite being the most common form of abuse, verbal abuse is generally not taken as seriously as other types of abuse, because there is no visible proof. In reality, however, verbal abuse can be more detrimental to a person's health than physical abuse.

If started at a young age, verbal abuse contributes to codependency, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and other psychological disorders that often plague many people into adulthood.

People who feel they are being attacked by a verbal abuser on a regular basis should seek professional counsel and remove themselves from the negative environment whenever possible. Staying with a verbal abuser is damaging for a person's overall well-being; and all steps to change the situation should be pursued.

"Verbal abuse includes the following: withholding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, insulting, countering, diverting, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling, and raging."^[1]

Verbal Abuse and its Devastating Impact
By Patricia Evans (Verbalabuse.com)

Verbal Abuse is insidious.
Verbal Abuse is endemic.
Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.
Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making
Verbal Abuse usually occurs in secret.

If you've heard, "You're Too Sensitive" you've heard verbal abuse.

Although many people have heard sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, those who have suffered from verbal abuse know that words do hurt and can be as damaging as physical blows are to the body. The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Except for name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse—especially when it comes from a person they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, a family provider, one's parent, or even an older sibling that one has learned to look up to in childhood.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them. Or, they may try to stop them by giving it back in kind. In other words, they may act out their anger.

The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it. In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can’t very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not. 

****
Abuse is insidious, deceptive and STILL abuse. If you or someone you know, seems to have a friend or family member that behaves in the above ways, you are very likely experiencing abuse. Being a christian or believing that the "abusive party" is "christian" does NOT stop abuse from happening. As with divorce, abuse in Christian marriage is just as prevalent, if not more so, than in marriages of other or "no" faith. God does not want you to be abused.   

Letting it go...

I am sure that title says alot to a lot of people. Mainly it says that "we have no control over it; let it go" and that is a clear message that I hope to convey in this post. We have areas of our lives that "we cannot control"; the most devastating, I will propose, is having to accept the fact that you have married an abusive person. I did that. I know that I did not think that he was abusive or even capable of the abuse that I now KNOW that he has intentionally done to not as much hurt me, but to control me and to "puff himself up" with a sense of false pride and power. He is really a VERY SAD LITTLE man who HAD a wonderful woman that he "did not deserve". Well, that is how I see it and since it is my blog "It is so"...

It is "not so funny" to realize that you have been "right all along" when you really did not want to be right while suspecting that the person that you loved the most in the world; to the exclusion of family and friends, would even consider betraying your confidence and stabbing you in the back emotionally. I feel stupid. I trusted him. I shouldn't have. I am so sorry that I did. BUT I am free from him and with my first love who is most loving, respectful and so fun to be with; we can be "free to be" ourselves with each other; a very unique love for sure.

But back to the abusive husband. There is probably LESS few crazymaking things in the whole world than trying to love and live with a mentally ill person. Personality disorders are not "assigned" or "labeled" at birth and those who have them may never become aware that "they are the ones who are crazy". Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is one that is MOST INSIDIOUS; so much so that the person with OCPD does not think that "there is anything wrong with them"...Just imagine that for a moment; that "you are perfect"...let that sink in. Crazy, isn't it? I mean, who is perfect in the world??? No one of course but don't try to tell that to an OCPD; they ARE perfect and they are NEVER wrong; about anything. They have NO recollection of ever telling a lie or bearing false witness or will EVER admit to verbal abuse or controlling behavior; they "just can't think of themselves as the monsters that we see them as"...lol...that's funny. I have had to find my sense of humor in all of this to the point of saying, with a THICK Italian accent "I SHAKA MY HEAD IN UNABELIEF" at my PD husband; soon to be EX by the way.

Now 19 months after separating from him; the last 4 months having moved out of the same city and now have my son with me, I can REALLY see my stbxNPD/OCPDbigamist (that is soon to be ex Narcissist PD/Obsessive Compulsive PD bigamist) for what he REALLY is...just that. He is "not the man I married" and the "man I divorce" is pretty much a perfect stranger/terrorist and will remain so in my mind. I have had to find my sense of humor in all of this to the point of saying, with a THICK Italian accent "I SHAKA MY HEAD IN UNABELIEF" at my PD husband; soon to be EX by the way. He went and married another woman. He was so "distraught" that I was leaving town and "he was losing me" (really? yawn, like DUH!!! that he sat at his kitchen table CRYING CROCODILE tears telling me "he needed someone") and for the first time in my life I can say that I was VERY glad that I did not feel compelled to 'get in line'. lol.

I may not have been so smart in marrying him but I did not have a reasonable person trying to save me from a personality disordered bigamist contact me and then call her (me that is) "mentally ill" for telling the truth. Oh well, I guess that is just another thing that I "need to let go of". I have worked A LOT on identifying and addressing DENIAL; the biggest killer of our dreams and joy in life; I am convinced of it. I spent years on online forums for abuse survivors and verbally abused partners and even a depression forum to help me work through DENIAL...the moral of this story is "LET THE CRAZY STUFF GO", you don't need it and God doesn't want it in your life. I am sure of it.