Are you ready????

I have heard, time and time again, someone say 

"I will do it when I am ready". 

Really? 

Do we really believe 

that by making that statement 

that we will EVER REALLY 

be ready?

In preparing for a test, writing a college paper or report, learning to sky dive or competing in sports or the arts, even after all our our dedicated hard work and effort, do we ever really feel that we "are ready?"

Being READY all hinges upon how confident we are in any area. If we are willing to START accepting ourselves, loving ourselves and being patient with ourselves, we may see that we might not KNOW ourselves as well as we think we do. We do not "have to be ready" to know ourselves more...we just have to WORK at KNOWING OURSELVES more.

How about HEALING? The kind of healing that our minds and souls need to fully function in this world. The kind of healing that we need to have an healthy self concept, self respect and aspirations to live life "wildly, fully and freely and over the top". Do we really "need to be ready" to START find out the things that NEED our attention in our lives?

How about woundedness and pain of abuse? Painful memories, flashbacks and fearful images that block out any possibility of happiness. Aren't we READY for them to be confronted, identified, and given what they need to become part of an healthy life? We may have said to ourselves, excusing our attention to our own pain, "I just wasn't ready to face it". Are we EVER really ready to face the deepest and darkest part of our soul? How about the part that we deny even to ourselves though others may easily see? Aren't we READY to let go of the pain, learn from it and become stronger because of it?

How about DREAMING? When was the last time you spoke of a DREAM that you have had? I know that until I had "found myself and healed from abuse", at least to about an 80% point, that I was not dreaming. I didn't see it as a possibility. It was merely an exercise in futility and waste of imagination to dream of things that I KNEW could not possibly come true. Did I feel ready to dream? No. But as I was along my healing journey, I began to experience my dreams rising to the surface, breaking through the sludge and mire of my life; surfacing to breathe deeply of the fresh air and light of self knowledge and healing...The things that were most important to me, would no longer stay hidden. I no longer denied that dream as being REAL. I knew that I "just had to" find out if what I had believed to be true, WAS true...I didn't stop to ask myself "am I ready to do this?". I never even gave it a thought. I learned that there is something special about the heart's desires. What the heart wants, it is ready to receive.

There is no better time to ENJOY YOUR LIFE than right now. Don't ask yourself "Am I ready?"...by the time that you ask that of yourself, you have been making progress on the healing road of "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". There is no time to waste.

We CAN "let go" and still hold onto ourselves

Photo: Scott Wright Photography

"We must be willing to let go 

of the life we planned 

so as to have the life 

that is waiting for us"

~ Joseph Campbell ~

Have you ever "clung onto" pain, hurt, regret, sorrow, grief and a myriad of other confusing and frustrating emotional states longer than you really needed in order to "heal and move on?" I think we all have done this. We tend to hold onto the familiar because the dreams that we have held deep within our hearts seem too far away. We are afraid of change. We are needing to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". We are not alone.

I was well into my late 20s before I realized that I had been abused; emotionally and physically by my father. I had always yearned to have a "daddy" like my school girlfriends but knew that I did not have one. I had a father. One who went about his life; even neglecting his own children. Being a middle child, I naturally withdrew into my own world and being an introvert on top of it, I retreated into my own imagination and thoughts. I became a singer, writer, song writer and "philosopher" of sorts; all because I had to let go of the dreams of wanting a "normal and healthy" family life and sought to find my own instead.

Sometimes we are disappointed by life's circumstances as they are thrust upon us so cruelly. Abuse, neglect and betrayal are just a few that we face, have to deal with and heal from in order to hear the song of hope and courage within our hearts; to "sing a new song". We all face these things but we may not deal with them in the most healthy ways. I have sought to FACE my life, my hurts, my pains as well as my joys and successes. Being empathetic and compassionate to others, I can see the hurt in other's hearts and minds. It is in these times, that I realize that I had to "let go" of what I thought life "should be like" for myself and others and just learn to ACCEPT LIFE as it is. This has made my life much more interesting, healthy and happy even.

I believe in healing wounds, second chances and dreams coming true. It hurts neither myself or others to believe this and only aids me in helping others find the healing path that I have found. It is a healing journey of self-awareness, self-acceptance and truth. It is not the life that I had sought to find because I had not been aware of it. 

I didn't understand

that I didn't understand

until I understood.

~ DER, Singing a New Song~

Another thing that I "did not understand" was mental illness; some are now calling it "behavioral illness" and it certainly is a dis-ease of a person's behavior and those who experience thus behavior can easily detect the "disconnect" between their loved ones hearts and minds as well as between each person involved. Mental illness is something that we MUST accept as a reality. It exists. It is insidious. It can ruin lives and loves. 

May I encourage you today to "study yourself"...what kind of person are you? What are your dreams? What is deep within your heart that you have never told another soul and what would you truly LOVE to share with someone, anyone who you could trust? Has mental illness of a loved one or even yourself, "held you back" from venturing into the "wonderful world of you"?  I know that mental illness does NOT make anyone "bad" or "less worthy" of love, respect, joy and LIFE. But if you know of someone who suffers from it and may even be the "one" who suffers with them, you are NOT alone. LET GO of the "life that you had planned", radically accept (check out radical acceptance ) the "life" that you may be living and a loved one may have been suffering through and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Though you may have seen "your dream" fail for whatever reason, that does not mean that you can't find a new one. If you are reading this, you are already seeking MORE from life; you KNOW that you have a dream deep within you that is just waiting to be brought out "into the light" (Love (poem) by Roy Croft ) and LIVED out. 

Just believe that "YOU ARE WORTH IT", because you are and you can start on your healing journey.

Catch a falling star...

Art by Josephine Wall

Have you ever "let your imagination run away with you?" I know that I had been afraid to imagine my life as I would truly wanted it to be. My "self" was damaged and feeling unworthy due to believing how an abuser defined me and constantly disrespected me. It might have also been partly due to my own fear of NOT getting what I thought that I had wanted. And then again, I was not willing to "imagine having what I had always wanted" for fear of being discontent in the "here and now".



If you have felt this way, we might both feared dreaming because we might have talked ourselves into believing that "dreams do not come true" for us. I felt this way for a long time and no doubt, you might have also. But one day, it changed for me. In one epiphanic moment, I was struck dumb and filled with grief over a co-workers tragic and sudden death. I became like a child who was watching a falling star. I had believed that if I saw a falling star, that I only had to make a wish upon it and my dream would come true. This "falling star moment" was my moment of getting past ALL my fear...looking deep within myself and deeming myself worthy of my dream, if not only for a moment. I sat there, staring deeply into my fear of NOT getting what I had always dreamed of and realizing that I needed to "make my wish known". I only had to "imagine" that my dream could come true...if only for a moment. A moment was all that I needed to make a wish upon it and then "catch my falling star". 

This artwork spoke to me. I have felt like the beautiful being catching the falling star in Josephine Walls beautiful painting. Just imagine, if only for a moment...when your "falling star" comes your way. Dreams do come true. Make your wish. Don't allow fear to come between you and your destiny!!!

Plan on your dreams

At "Singing a New Song" we discuss and write about what appears to be a wide range of life experiences, from finding yourself and healing from abuse to learning to dream again. We can't stop there though. We hopefully can find ourselves somewhere along this continuum but let's not leave out an important step in SEEING OUR DREAMS COME TRUE...and that is PLANNING on your dreams.

Personal experience has taught me that just having dreams isn't enough. I rarely "gave into" my dreams because realizing that NOT living my dream caused me to be so dissatisfied with the life that I was living. I was just barely emotionally holding onto my life in an abusive (christian...and this is a whole other story in itself!!!) marriage and my dream "took me back" to a younger and more loving time with my First Love. Who wouldn't DREAM about love that was lost when you feel no love around you??? Well, I admit that I DID give into it, sparingly, but his image, love and my longing for him was so strong that I confessed to a good friend that I had a "bad/good" dream about "him" last night. I knew after this had gone on for some time that I was still in love with him and that my "real dream" was to be with him.

Before we can PLAN out our dreams we need to identify what they are. What do you feel and think when you hear the phrase "dream come true"? I knew what it was for me. I lived with it many years, believing that it was impossible to ever be with him again and to live out the rest of my life loving him and being loved by him. I thought that mainly because, though I was married, it was an abusive marriage with no end of the abuse in site. He had denied it infront of counselors, discounting what I said and felt. He even mocked the tears I cried but one thing he did not do...he could not say that I was unfaithful to him, though I had been "loving" my First Love in my dreams for years!!! I truly believe that I had only done that because I had emotionally been so damaged that I detached myself from my then-husband and did not feel guilt about "loving my First Love and being loved by him" in my dreams. There was NO guilt at all. I was not unfaithful to him; to NOT acknowledge my love for my First Love would have been unfaithfulness to myself and to my First Love.

Put your dreams into words or images. Write them down in a safe place, entrust them to a best friend/confidante and write poetry, sing songs, paint pictures, create collages or anything else that creatively expresses your dreams. Start LOOKING at them. Thinking about them. Bring their reality into YOUR reality. I wrote my First Love a song...I sang it all the time, hoping that I would stop loving him. It didn't happen. It was even a "goodbye song" and I couldn't say "goodbye" though we had not seen each other for 25 years. Though it did not do what I had wanted, it was expression of the dream that I had held in my heart for many years but would not acknowledge. A dream has a way of making itself known to us...we need to listen to our hearts.

Once your dreams "have a life of their own", it is time to "clear the way" to making room for your dreams (check out this blog entry: Making room for your dreams: Singing a New Song )...it is time to look at your life and allow yourself some deep soul searching and ask yourself "what do I really want in my life" and start "rearranging". In my life, I saw no way to bring him into my life, I would have to leave this life; my job, location, friends, even family and GO AFTER my dream!!! One day, my dream was made real to me in an epiphany. There was a tragic death of a coworker and through her sudden passing, I realized that it could happen to either me or my First Love and that could "end my dream" of ever seeing him again. I was motivated as I was never motivated before...I contacted him and within a week, we saw each other for the first time in 25 years. We are both older and a bit wiser and both had wanted "this dream come true".

The fact is: DREAMS DO come true for those who PLAN ON MAKING THEM COME TRUE. I hope that you will "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" as I have. I can show you the way. I have been RIGHT where you are, right this very moment. No matter if you are single, married, divorced and wanting more for your life...I know where you are. You deserve to have the kind of life that only you can dream of...put some plans to your dreams.

NEVER give up on your dreams...they will never give up on you and neither will I.

Acceptance is not denial

I truly believe that we CAN 

make the best of what we have 

but we should NOT 

DENY WHAT IT IS NOT 

if "what it is NOT" 

is what we really want.  

I married my first christian husband after the horrid separation from my first love. I tried hard to see how our relationship "was" and I KNEW what "he was not". Even being "on the rebound" I did not try to compare him with my first love. I had already woefully knew that he was NOTHING like my first love. 

Upon the eve of our wedding, I "had a talk" to myself. I "spoke it aloud" in my mind that "I know he is a "good man", a friend, we have a lot in common, we both love music BUT I KNOW that he will NEVER be able to intellectually stimulate me as my first love had." With a sigh, I turned to his mother who had heard my sigh and asked her "WHY am I marrying your son?" and she replied "Because you LOOOOOOVE him". Even this comment brought questions to my mind. I had accepted him for what he WAS NOT but my heart STILL LOVED my first love for all that HE was and I could not have. 

In my second marriage to another "christian man", so I deeply belioeved that my happiness would require another christian marriage...Of course HOW could I be happy with an husband who did not believe as I did about God and the Universe? I was IN DENIAL that anyone who called themselves a christian could be abusive!!! I was SO WRONG in believing and trusting that just because I was "taught" to trust a christian, that a christian could NEVER abuse or disrespect me. My second husband did that and more. In many ways, he behaved as what most might expect a "heathen", Agnostic or Atheist to behave toward a woman...

I was NOT seeing "what was" 

but "what I wanted to see

and THAT 

is what perpetuated the abuse in my life.

I have shared my journey with you with the hope that it will ENCOURAGE you to more easily ACCEPT what you have allowed in your life; CALL ABUSE WHAT IT IS...ABUSE and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again"...I DID and I really hope that you will also.

Sending LOVE and healing thoughts your way,

D

Taking GOOD care of myself

I really enjoy a good cup of tea in a china cup from a china tea pot; warmed in the traditional English style. I love the scent of blossoming lilacs. I love the color purple and the scent of these beautiful flowers. 


I can more easily enjoy the SIMPLE PLEASURES IN life; what we all need to take good care of ourselves. It may take some discipline or better yet a renewed focus ON ONESELF in order to get to the place where we can enjoy the "simple pleasures" again. I am definitely a woman who believes in the Simple Joys of life and I embrace them whenever they are available and even create opportunities to enjoy what I want to enjoy when I want to enjoy it. When we are in an abusive relationship or have contact with an abusive person who demeans, discounts or disrespects us they are very likely to say "You are SO selfish to just think of yourself"...this is an abuser's main way of saying "You are not paying enough attention to ME, you must worship ME and you must allow ME to control and abuse you". 


Today, I would love to invite you to join me in a cup of tea; 

Struggling through healing toward passion and creativity

It is called by many names, "dry period", "writer's block", "the blues" or the "doldrums", but anyway you label it, abuse and life's hard lessons have a way of sucking the creative energy out of us. I believe it is then that "need to refresh our passion" for life and whatever in life brings us joy. A "change of scene" or focus or paradigm shift may be the "jump start" that our creativity needs to thrive. Some say that we can "fake it til we make it" but I just have to believe in myself even when I feel lacking in hope and inspiration. I believe that merely acknowledging to ourselves that life has more purposelessness moments than not, is ENOUGH to throw us into the pit of despair and the dry well of mere existence. WE DO NOT need to accept mere existence as our "life"...we CAN hope and HAVE much more!

Our self esteem is so closely tied to our creative expression that any threat or damage due to abuse can totally disable our ability and even desire to express ourselves. We deserve to BE CREATIVE and enjoy life and everything that brings us joy; why have we allowed other's mistreatment and abuse toward us destroy or cripple the wonderful artistic beauty that we hold within us all? We did not consciously "allow" anyone to abuse us but due to many familiar influences and personality and mental processes, we "thought" that the treatment of a spouse, loved one or friend was "normal". We lived with abuse for SO LONG that we do not know what normal is any more. We are either in jeopardy of  losing our life's focus and sense of individuality and purpose or we may have already "lost ourselves".  I have found that one way to "find ourselves" is to search for the creative energy within us and encourage it to thrive IN SPITE of anyone else's opinion. We need to learn to VALIDATE ourselves because those in our lives, whom we have trusted with "ourselves" have failed to provide the validation, safety and nurture that all persons require and deserve.

When "the blues" hit you next time; see it as an OPPORTUNITY to invest in yourself. See it as a "red flag" or warning that there is a "breach in security" and that the wonderful person that you are and all you hold in your heart is in peril! EMBRACE the joy within you and RUN WITH IT...grab a hold of yourself and don't let go. 

"The Future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" Eleanor Roosevelt

The end of 2011 is quickly approaching. Isn't it strange, when we stop to look at it,we may be actually looking forward to the end only to start a new beginning? As some have said, we could "wish our lives away" if we are not careful. Do we REALLY have to wait for our future to arrive before we can believe in our dreams? I know through personal experience that we do NOT have to "just hope" anymore.

Starting over...again. (repost; original added to "About this blog" page)

I had sat at the dawn of a day and meditated and prayed about my life and what grand purpose the remainder of my time on this planet might hold. Hearing the bullfrogs croak, the crisp crackling of the grass drying under the rising  warm sun's rays and seeing the vast landscape ahead of me allowed me to see that there is a start to everything; even every new day. After living through years of domestic abuse, I finally felt that it was time that I deserved to "start over".

When is the END really the beginning???

When it is an END to an abusive relationship and the BEGINNING of your new life.That was really an easy question for me to answer. My divorce from my covertly emotionally and verbally abusive husband became FINAL today...It may seem odd at first glance that I am THRILLED about this but if you were to understand the amount of mind-bending, heart-shattering, soul-crushing, hair-pulling and crazy-making abuse that I had lived with while married to my son's father; you would greater understand my JOY.




Have you ever had a toothache that just continued to get more painful each day? It would begin to abscess but you were unaware of what was going on beneath the surface of your gums. You only knew that it struck you with a mega jolt of agony each time you tried to chew on it. To avoid the FEAR of anticipated pain in going to the dentist, you would DENY the intensity of the torture that you were enduring and say to yourself and others "it's not so bad". You might even start limiting the kinds of foods and temperatures of the same to minimize your suffering. You might even have a good friend or maybe a spouse who would say "Oh, stop being a baby; its' only a tooth, suck it up or go to the dentist already".

Let's set this scene in a marriage that has covert, mental and verbal abuse. The toothache is VERY real but not easily seen. The pain is subtle at first and not easily located or isolated to being in "one tooth". The symptoms worsen a little more everyday; almost like that frog in the pot of water, we get used to a "little more" and learn to "deal with it". We find that certain actions on our part evoke a very painful response. We are shocked. We are fearful of confronting the "Producer of our pain" or having it more closely scrutinized to be something that we must deal with quickly for our own health. We continue to limit the many relationships that seemed to provoke hateful and controlling words and behavior. We severely minimize the joys that we have in life because we are demeaned and devalued for being unique. Finally, we come to a place where it fills our life with so much discomfort that it is hard to hide our displeasure and we are told to "endure it as a good christian should" from the one who is abusing you or "get some help" by those who have heard our complaints and exasperating cries for help. Lastly, we are seen as weak by the ones who cause us pain and by those who don't understand the invisible psychic pain of mental abuse. Our self esteems have hit rock bottom and we feel MORE than all alone. We have been abused by "the one person" that we had trusted to be loving and kind to us. We have been betrayed and are severely confused over the injustice of being blamed for another's weakensses and fears as they project them onto us. This is a DAILY way of life for the victim of abuse.

When can we say NO to abuse? When we realize that we do not deserve it-we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot change it (the abuser).

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

The most important thing for any survivor of abuse to remember is that the END of an abusive relationship is the BEGINNING of a new life. Embrace it, you deserve it.

If this rings true to your experience in marriage or relationship, I so sincerely extend my heart to you. I feel your hurt, confusion and pain. I want to give you hope that this CAN and WILL stop. Please check out the Healing from Abuse Page Tab (above blog entries)for help and support in understanding abuse and how you can deal with it. 
There is help. You are not alone.

**One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.** ~Oscar Wilde

Living life in a household full of domestic abuse and believing that it may never stop is the most hellish existence that I have ever known. I truly mean "hellish"  because it was close to what I think Hell actually is and I have already lived through it. I lived without the peace or freedom to state my thoughts aloud. I tried to live within a family who did not permit my role as a wife and mother to be "my life" but a position that I was required to fill in order to fulfil my purpose in their eyes. I barely survived emotionally and mentally and lived only  a semblance of a life when trying to understand the rantings and illogic tactics of a madman who refused to accept the "me" that I was born to be. 

As Oscar Wilde said, I "knew" that  

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."  

and I definitely knew that this kind of existence was NOT my life!

I would wake up and moan, not from lack of sleep but that I had to wake up and face the reality in which I had taught myself to accept. An "husband" who would not hear my cries for help for our family and marriage. A stepdaughter who learned to verbally abuse and disrespect me while manipulating events; teaching her to do just as he had done to me. I literally spent years of my life trying desperately to please a man who "could not be pleased enough". His criticism toward me abounded as was his constant and very vocal disapproval of me as a person, wife, mother or human being.  I had started turning inward to preserve the person who I am and that drew me to finally try to voice out my feelings with non-verbal media. I found the "vision board".  We used to call them collages in elementary school and gently arranged and glued magazine clippings to represent a certain theme. In my case, it was my only mode of survival.

This board characterizes ME. My dreams and hopes, my purpose and my goals. I knew that I had "amazing hidden potential" and assets beyond what had been attributed to me but to see them in color, on a page, with affirming words was the most healing vision that I had seen in a very long time. My vision board is an example of the hope that I held in my heart of living a life without abuse. "I had a dream" and this dream was one of love and peace and a safe home where I could be "me". 

Sometimes we have to give our dreams MORE than wings; more than words; sometimes our dreams need to take on a visual form. They are real. A vision board help us to see that they are worthy to be dreamt.

The angst of enlightenment

All the while I was married to “the abusive christian husband” I felt strangely aware that the saying, “I HAVE been loved” was so true for me. This was a line from the book "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. I knew that I had “been loved”. Why, oh why, had I settled to live with an abusive man who called himself a Christian but did not have the love, gentleness or respect that my “first love” had for me? My heart struggled with that question for years. I guess that I was supposed to stay married and "be happy" being abused by a christian man, being a Christian myself, and to forsake and forget thoughts of another man or the possibility of a happy life without abuse and with real love.

The dreams within my heart that I struggled with FOR YEARS were of the first man; my "first love" to whom I had loved and given my heart and body. I tried for years to get him out of my mind but I honestly didn't want to. I thought that perhaps I was still being tempted by thoughts of him because I felt so unloved in this marriage. I felt that I "should not" be thinking of him but as another song says "if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right." I loved him and I knew that I  did. I "had been loved" by him and I still loved him with all my heart.

After nearly a year of being separated from my second and "abusive" husband, just before “the end” of the marriage, I was sitting at my computer in my office with him sitting in a chair next to me. While checking my email, I saw that a Robert “friended” me on Facebook. I looked over to him and asked, “are you friending me on Facebook?” and of course, not being computer saavy or Facebook-friendly, he replied “No, who IS friending you?”. It turned out to be my “first grade boyfriend”. “Oh my gosh, it's Bobby!” I howled. He was a really super cute young man with dark hair and eyes and a brilliant mischievous smile and wit. We would sharpen our pencils at the trash can together. I obviously must have had a soft spot for men named “Robert”. I have always loved that name. Well, I looked back to "my husband" and said “Oh, you don't have to worry about Bobby” (meaning having me being “taken away from him by Bobby” that is) and I added very honestly and boldly “NOW, if GCD "friends" me on Facebook THEN you can worry”...I even laughed about it but little did I know the fullness of the TRUTH that I blurted out.

The "Dark Ages" would soon be replaced by the Age of Enlightenment as my heart shone with the truth of the love that it had hid for G for all these years. Within five months from that moment, what had been “just a dream” of G finding me on Facebook and ever seeing each other again felt like a possibility. It seemed to visually break through the ethereal longing, desire and hope that I had hid in my heart. It's substance was infused with life that kindled the fire within my soul for his touch. I believed that he "must also love me" in the same way after all these years. I listened to my heart's cry, finally. I allowed myself to hear it's truth and hope for the love that I had known had been in my heart all those years.