If you have loved and lost...

"'Tis better to have loved and lost 
than never to have loved at all." 

- Alfred Lord Tennyson




I have loved. I have continued to love. I will continue to love; no matter how much I have lost. I have taken refuge, comfort and consolation in Tennyson's famous quote: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It reminds me that NO MATTER WHAT I have lost; I have not lost "love". I may have lost the subject, the person whom I loved, or may have lost them "for a time" but I have not lost LOVE. I do NOT REGRET LOVING no matter how painful that it had become to LOSE that one whom I loved.

Most of us have parents. Some of us even had good parents. Upright mother and father; maybe a bit quirky and not so perfect, but loving, providential and respectable. They may not have done everything right but we are thankful, like so many others, that they did not do everything wrong. I have enjoyed my parents who are both "gone" now. Today would have been my father's 90th birthday (Mom would have been 91 this coming January 18th). I miss them terribly but I don't regret anything that I did for them out of love. I regret nothing and am thankful for so much. 

I lost a child to stillbirth. That is really a loss that no one can prepare a woman to endure. That lose included the loss of my dreams. The loss of being a mother to a daughter of my own. I was going to name her Mikaela Rose (my family name as her middle name) and she was expected to be beautiful. A mixed and conflicting feeling overcame me as I learned that the child whose heartbeat had stopped just a few hours before, was a boy. A beautiful boy, I later found out after I "gave birth" to this precious child. My dreams of being a mom of another boy or girl of my own evaporated into a fog of sorrow and "loss". 

I have lost a love...one that I thought was "the one". One whom I had loved most of my life. I had lost him to mental illness. He was unable to "find himself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Maybe, it was during this time, that I realized the value of "Singing a New Song" for so many people who did not suffer from mental illness. Unlike a person who suffers from mental illness, one who has suffered mind bending, heart wrenching and soul crushing mental illness and was beaten with verbal and emotional abuse has HOPE for healing, health and wholeness. The loss of that love reminds me of an "eternal loss" as I promised that "I would not return to him...again". I loved him deeply and I am so glad that I had some opportunity to share my love for him, with him. It was a love that mental illness stole from both of us. I don't know which is worse: having lost it or having it stolen from you. I still do not regret loving him and never will. 

Never, ever regret loving someone. Even if it is someone who did not deserve your love. You have LOVED and that is the most wonderful, the most valuable power on the face of the earth that dwells within the human heart. 

Between Seasons

Why does "this time of year" seem to be so hard for many people; especially those who experience loss, grief and on the healing journey from abuse?

1) The change of seasons create a CHANGE in our bodies and minds: our metabolism; heat making and heat distribution, carbohydrate metabolism and appetite and desires for more carbohydrate rich foods change slowely but surely. We seek "comfort foods", hot beverages and starches that "make us feel better" and raise our serotonin levels which are quickly depleted by decreased sunlight. So there are many physical and physiological as well as psychological reasons for the increeased stress at the "change of seasons"...especially from Autumn to Winter. 

2) The visual stimuli can become depressing as once colorful leaves turn brown and fall to the ground leaving bare trees. VISUALLY, we see change as a negative and even "dying".  

3) I have found it to be true for myself and so many others, that once memorable holidays with loved ones; bring the reality of LOSS and GRIEF as our loved ones who once gathered around the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve Dinner tables and are no longer with us.  

So for all of us- Those of us who are healing from abuse, those dealing with the loss and pain of grief from a loved one who is no longer with us or those who physically feel significant symptoms of depression (SAD) from Seasonal Affective Disorder from decreased sunlight or may be even few, hopefully, who are dealing with ALL of these simultaneously---THERE IS HOPE...this season WILL pass...in the meantime...

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF...YOU ARE REALLY WORTH IT!!! 

Love does not die

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way. 
Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind.

You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, 
by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

It will nearly be a month since Mom has passed away. It still hurts me deeply to not be able to call and talk with her. My heart breaks when I see her picture and know that I would give nearly anything to give her one more hug and kiss. Tears stream down my cheeks when I think that I could not be with her in her final moments; knowing that again, my heart would break in even deeper ways if I had been. I feel like I have been gutted alive when I think that there is "no grave" to visit since her body was cremated, there are only ashes in an urn to culminate this beautiful life; it doesn't seem fair or right at all.

I can hear her voice and laughter. I see her smile; how contagious. I hear the hope and JOY in her voice that NO ONE could steal from her. I am so very thankful that she was MY Mom. I only hope to "make her proud of me" in the ways that I am raising my son; her grandson whom she loved so dearly. 

My eyes may never stop crying; my heart, hopefully, will NEVER stop feeling her love for me and my love for her. I miss her so very badly.

If you are grieving the loss of a parent; please accept a cyber hug from me today. 

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

Kahlil Gibran

My Mom and I in 1990 (?), she was already 66 in this picture.