Catch a falling star...

Art by Josephine Wall

Have you ever "let your imagination run away with you?" I know that I had been afraid to imagine my life as I would truly wanted it to be. My "self" was damaged and feeling unworthy due to believing how an abuser defined me and constantly disrespected me. It might have also been partly due to my own fear of NOT getting what I thought that I had wanted. And then again, I was not willing to "imagine having what I had always wanted" for fear of being discontent in the "here and now".



If you have felt this way, we might both feared dreaming because we might have talked ourselves into believing that "dreams do not come true" for us. I felt this way for a long time and no doubt, you might have also. But one day, it changed for me. In one epiphanic moment, I was struck dumb and filled with grief over a co-workers tragic and sudden death. I became like a child who was watching a falling star. I had believed that if I saw a falling star, that I only had to make a wish upon it and my dream would come true. This "falling star moment" was my moment of getting past ALL my fear...looking deep within myself and deeming myself worthy of my dream, if not only for a moment. I sat there, staring deeply into my fear of NOT getting what I had always dreamed of and realizing that I needed to "make my wish known". I only had to "imagine" that my dream could come true...if only for a moment. A moment was all that I needed to make a wish upon it and then "catch my falling star". 

This artwork spoke to me. I have felt like the beautiful being catching the falling star in Josephine Walls beautiful painting. Just imagine, if only for a moment...when your "falling star" comes your way. Dreams do come true. Make your wish. Don't allow fear to come between you and your destiny!!!

Where are YOU? Have you "found yourself"?

Being an introvert, I may have always been more NATURALLY inquisitive about "what is inside" of ME. I really only learned in the past 15 years that this may be very different from what others may experience. I have always sensed that I was part of another WHOLE WORLD inside of me; music, art, writing, fully embracing the world both within me and outside of me with my whole heart. I have always striven to become "who I really am". I understand that it MIGHT NOT be so natural for others, especially those of us who have been damaged by abuse. 

I care about "where you are" on your healing journey. 
Won't you join me in "walking down your life's path" 
for a few moments? 

Everyone matures and grows at different rates, with different influences, obstacles and  perspectives. So you may have started on your journey of "finding you" when you were a teen. You may have been "fighting to be YOU" and rebelling against authority of your parents and teachers and even society. This might have led you to ESCAPE the journey of "finding you" by busying yourself in substance abuse, illicit and risk taking relationships or perhaps you might have I HID within  ART, SCIENCE, LOGIC, ORGANIZATION, TEACHING, SPORTS...But thinking that we are adding VALUE to our lives by adding PLEASURE to it through these activities is an illusion and only a distraction from "becoming who we really are". 

We may trying to find ourselves after realizing that damaging abuse required that we learn how to take good care of ourselves...I know that it was a failed marriage, one that I found that I was married to a man with an addiction, possibly used to HIDE FROM HIMSELF the pain, sorrow or fear that he hid deep within his heart. I could see this "need" in others and eventually realized that I was seeing it in myself as well. 

I "found myself" in the things that I love...music, art, philosophy. The more I enjoyed these disciplines, the more I actively invested my life into their study and further enjoyment. I added something of myself to my love of music, I started writing songs. Then I recorded and performed those songs. I could SEE MYSELF in my songs. The songs were "birthed" out of me. I "found myself" in the things that I LOVE. 

We may have learned that we have HID from ourselves, denied our pain and sorrow, pushed down other's opinions and rejection of who we are and have even "lost our selves" in the process. However your path has led you to "finding yourself" has been part of what was taught and presented to you as "being life" and is very normal. But we all have an EPIPHANY and begin to embark on this healing journey where we may find that we do not want to live our lives without "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", as we realize that this is the only healthy way to live our lives..

BE HEALTHY...TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU today...
YOU are worth it!!!

Part 2: Healing from Emotional Abuse

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

Here is Part Two of a three post series:

HEALING FROM ABUSE

I may not be formally educated and may never feel that I am qualified to give advice on HOW to heal from abuse. I have learned so much through the school of life that I feel more than qualified to share the progress that I have made on my healing journey from abuse.

I would like to add that I have learned that healing is a process; as with the proverbial peeling of an onion, each layer may cause tears but as we peel each layer away, we get closer to the "sweet spot" of the onion; a place where HEALING is.

Healing from abuse:

Learning to live after abuse

Stages of Healing

Starting over...again.

Practising good self care

Find your own voice and sing your heart song

The Power of NO

Out of the Abundance of the Heart 

Real life healing from abuse

New-Years Resolutions for abuse survivors

Are you being abused?

Based on the "Power and Control Wheel"

Developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

202 East Superior Street Duluth

Minnesota 55802 USA

If we will allow ourselves to see abuse for what it is and learn to recognize the different forms of abuse, we CAN free ourselves from abuse and begin healing from its damage. If you are feeling controlled by a loved one or feel that they have "power over" you in certain areas, take a moment to identify their behaviors using the above wheel and determine how they may be abusive and harmful to you.

If you don't have anyone you feel that you can safely talk to about this issue; call your local domestic violence shelter to speak to a counselor. There are many ways to escape abuse but we must FIRST be able to see it as abuse and "SAY NO" to it by getting help.

I have called a domestic shelter and I spoke to a very kind young lady counselor about a sexual abuse issue that I did not pursue as it did not occur a second time with my ex husband. I had also called a suicide hotline for help for myself. I had called a battered women's shelter several times for domestic (emotional) violence and threats of personal harm from an adult child of my ex husband. All of these are the FIRST STEP in healing from abuse.

There is NO shame in calling for help...please treat yourself with the respect you deserve and call out for help today if you are in any of the above situations.
You are NOT alone.

Can a NEW YEAR bring new life?

You have heard people say that there was a "turning point" in their lives. I have had many. The most recent being when I realized that my second marriage had long since ended and that it was time to put it to rest and move on with my life. It was on New Year's Eve; 2010 when my son lying asleep on our couch and me, watching PBS and my favorite pianist Lang Lang. I turned it to one of the "New Year's Eve" countdown shows and watched and prayed and when the clock struck MIDNIGHT and the NEW YEAR began I prophesied that "this would be MY year!!!". Little did I know what TRUTH that I was declaring and decreeing into my life. There was no fanfare or pomp; just a DEEP NEED and KNOWING that "this year would be MY year". It has started off by realizing definitely that my marriage to an abusive and controlling "christian" man had ended and when he said "I have NEVER verbally abused you" I got up from his kitchen table and walked toward the door. He mumbled some sorry apology and excuse about "making me upset", I told him that I was not upset or that what he said "made me mad" and it did not make me mad but I could honestly reply that "I realize that there is NO HOPE for any relationship with you" and I meant it. From the bottom of my heart; he had controlled, lied, manipulated, betrayed confidence and defiled trust to the point of "no return".

It was just a few short weeks into the NEW YEAR that the workplace that I had been employed in for the past 10 years suffered an horrendous and tragic loss of an employee. A freak accident occurred where she fell, went into a coma and was taken off life support within a week. I realized with this tragedy that I HAD CONTROL over some part of my life even though I was still married to an abusive man and had to leave his home with our son to get away from him. As I mourned for our employee, her family and my workplace my heart was turned to my First Love. He had been on my heart and mind for over 25 years after a passionate and loving betrothal. We were not married at that time; but separated until I decided; that whether I was "still married" or not, I HAD to contact him. My heart ached to know how he was.

Apart from this; I am STILL singing a NEW song. A bit of a different song that I have sung; an old familiar song in many ways, a song of lost love and missed opportunities and HOPE that I have not felt for over 25 years.

CAN a New Year bring new life??? It can if we are willing to let go of the old one first.

Learning to live after abuse

It's been a LONG time since my last post; nearly a year. SO much has changed in my life. I have begun to learn to live again. I separated from my abusive husband in Nov. 2009, by June 2010 I was nearly convinced that his abusive ways were unchangeable and his behavior toward me, imminent and continuing. It was in August 2010; the 24th day, that I realized and "let go" of the denial of another lost marriage; the second one. The rest of 2010 was spent in personal growth and compassion toward myself and my losses. I let go.

In January 2011, I experienced an epiphany that my life is "not what it ought to have been". There was a death at my workplace of many years; a woman tragically fell and died a few days later whom I knew since my start there in 1987, I made a drastic decision. I chose to LIVE. I realized that there was a very special man. One whom I have loved since 1982 that I cried hot tears over not having seen for over 25 years while I sat at my cubicle that day.

Why do such tragedies "have to happen" to "wake us up" to what is real and important? I am singing a NEW song. I have "broken the mold" of my behavior and not only left but divorcing the abusive husband. I will soon be marrying the first love of my life; who is not only the first but the ONE and ONLY as we have reunited. There is MUCH more to this story. There is HOPE after abuse. Life CAN be good and we only need to learn how to live without the abuse in order to embrace ALL that Life has for us.