Spiritual Journey

WELCOME 

to your spiritual journey...

an opportunity to question YOUR PATH in life 

as we muse along together in 

"finding ourselves, healing from abuse 

and learning to dream again". 

You have not stumbled across this blog by chance. YOUR DESIRE TO LIVE WILDLY, FULLY and FREELY and OVER THE TOP has led you here. This is a great time for YOU to take a few moments in your day to peruse over YOUR spiritual journey in life and ASK: 
IS THIS THE PATH THAT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE? 

Let's start at the beginning with our families. 

What "spirituality" did your family teach you? What was reinforced, allowed or encouraged? What holidays were celebrated? Were they "religious" or "spiritual" holidays or celebrated just because everyone else celebrated them??? What influence and benefit has your "family's faith" had upon your life? Has it been encouraging and OPEN or restrictive and CLOSED?

     Our families are our FIRST impressions of faith of any sort and my family; though morally decent was not specific on one faith view but just a "good" and decent family life and choices. I felt a void. A lack of spiritual guidance and unclear goals and very uncertain values and conflicting and some very obstructive, attitudes and prejudices by my father, mainly, which seemed to cause me to NOT just accept that our family's way of life was the best or that I would just automatically continue it into my own life.

How about culture and religious influences:

Did you or are you planning on choosing a different cultural or religious path than the one that you knew and were taught as a child? Are you "finding yourself" and your expression of faith in another expression of belief in God than the "one" that you have been taught. You know that it is VERY likely; that depending upon the area in which you were raised, you are VERY likely to learn and stay in the faith of the culture that you knew as a child, even if it does not serve to help you mature and develop spiritual. I find this to be a VERY sad FACT. 

     For me, I think that because I was NOT taught a certain faith; or trained to follow certain religious guidelines or was made to adhere to a religious tradition, that I SOUGHT many paths; I was curious about WHY certain cultures saw God in the ways that they did (do) and I read about so many other expressions of faith that the one that was (is) dominant in my residence. I lived in Ohio MOST of my life and only the past three years, here in my new home state of North Carolina.

Our choice of education and career:

Are you doing "what you love?" or have you chosen a career path that at least syncs with your values and your heartfelt dreams? Or do you "do what you do" for the money and have left your dreams on the shelf???

    Do you remember a class your had in high school or college; a career class, where you could explore your interests (perhaps complete a Strong Interest Inventory 

(The Strong Interest Inventory® assessment is one of the world’s most widely respected and frequently used career planning tools. It has helped both academic and business organizations develop the brightest talent and has guided thousands of individuals—from high school and college students to midcareer workers seeking a change—in their search for a rich and fulfilling career. ) to see what you really wanted to do fore a life career??? I remember my Human Relations class, Dr. Mac...that was his real name, he was a tall drink of water, a gentleman and had his Ph D. in Behavioral Studies/Psychology and was teaching High School. One assignment that he gave us to complete was most challenging; "Where do you see yourself in FIVE years"...I look back upon it and though my dissertation was somewhat vague for my 16 years of age, it was and has been very accurate in a general way of who I am and what I desired to spend during my revolutions around the Sun. Do you remember an assignment like this? If not, did you take the MPII in college or at University? I did...and it confirmed but added the field of Science as a great interest of mine; which still is to this day...

Choice of mate/life partner/family of our own: 

I found the most wonderful article on "falling in love" and that most people ONLY fall in love with 3 people in their lifetimes...Here is a wonderful, thought-provoking tool provided by http://thepowerofideas.ideapod.com/fall-love-3-people-lifetime-one-specific-reason/ 

We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason   

By The Power of Ideas - January 27, 2017

It’s true. Philosophers and mystics have raved on for centuries about why we need 3 different lovers. Each one serves a different purpose and there’s no guarantee that all of us will make it to number three.But I bet you’re wondering: 

What the hell are these three different types of loves?

Well, the first one all begins when we’re young. It’s called the “idealistic love”. It’s kind of like a fairy tale. We believe we’re doing it for our family and society.You know, you find the one that is ‘just right’. Everyone will be jealous of you at parties because you’re the ‘perfect couple’. The major problem with this type of love? It relies purely on how other people see you, rather than how you actually feel.

The second type of love is when shit gets real. It’s called the “hard love”. This is where we delve deep into our sexuality, our desires and begin answering the question: Who am I? At times you’ll think that you’re both fated to be together forever. At other times, you’ll want to bite each other’s heads off. It’s passionate, it’s wrong and it’s heart-wrenching. You might break-up, get back together, then break up etc. Each time realizing that it just isn’t meant to be.The good news? You’ve learnt a TON about who you are and what you really want in life.

The third type of love comes out of nowhere. When you meet this person, you’d never consider that you’d end up with them. Perhaps you’re not looking for a relationship, or you think that you’re personalities would clash, but when the connection ignites, it will take off like a lightning strike that neither one of you are prepared for. When you start dating, it just fits. Your personalities bounce off each other like a trampoline. You compliment each other’s strengths and weakness and you both feel like you take on the world. It just feels right. And so it should. You’ve been through struggles, bad breakups, and people who have just plain tried to take advantage of you. But now, you know yourself better than ever, and most importantly, you know deep in your soul that you want to spend the rest of your life with this truly special person.

All of these loves have their reasons, and the lessons you learn through each phase will only help you grow. The people I really feel sorry for are those who never make it to number three.

     I had reviewed my "love lives" prior to reading this article and in my naivete, I deemed that though I had "3 loves" that I had not truly YET experience the "true and lasting" kind of love... They had, very neatly, fallen into the descriptions given in the above article. It has caused me to be thankful; I HAVE HAD 3 loves (two loves to many, I truly only desired to know, marry and love JUST ONE man for a lifetime: but that is not possible) I still am looking and waiting for the idealistic "true love" to find me or me, him. It was upon the FIRST love relationship and it's demise that I chose to begin "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...I did not know about his Borderline Personality Disorder at the time and returned to him...to experience a "dream come true" only to endure the heartbreak of it turning into a "BPD nightmare" complete with infidelity on his part, refusal to "let me have my things" that I brought into the relationship and a TON of broken promises.  I then married my first husband and learned about addictive behavior and abuse (and how NOT to be codependent) and religious dependency or identity that is fake or shallow at best. My second husband, which I thought would be my "last" is my son's father (some say "sperm donor") from whom I learned all about MALIGNANT NARCISSISM, misogynistic abuse and religious "control".   After healing and soul searching, I returned to my "first love" only to find gratitude in all the lessons that I had learned about myself and abuse through marriages with husbands #1 and #2.  

Thank you for reading and please feel free to SHARE this post with others who are needing to embark on their healing journey of "finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". I know it may sound cliche, but it is not. It is not trivial, drivel or trite "sayings"...it is OUR life and we deserve to spend it JUST AS WE WOULD LIKE it to be...

I wish you peace dear one...may this posting find you WELL, HAPPY and WHOLE...

D 

Singing a New Song 

Struggling with faith

  "Faith is a knowledge 

within the heart, 

beyond the reach of proof." 

~Kahlil Gibran

Faith, as one passage of the Bible describes it, "is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for; the EVIDENCE of things not seen". (Hebrews 11:1) In light of this description in sharing a bit of my personal faith, I would like to clarify how "faith" kept me from finding myself and kept me in an abusive marriage.

Using my faith to abuse me

I lived with a "christian abuser"...
I might have well just said I lived with a "Christ-abuser" or "Christianity abuser" because he did not only abuse me but he totally used and abused the seemingly "good things of religion" in about any way he could. It has really made me take a closer look at WHY we have the faith that we do.

After ten years of living with emotional, spiritual and verbal abuse, I started to look at his motivation for his need to control and disrespect me. He called it "being my head" or how I should "submit" to him as my "head". I could not begin to imagine that MY assumption of his "faith" actually perpetuated the abuse that I did not want to acknowledge or believe existed. HOW could a person who was a Christian BE abusive? I don't believe that it is possible.

  

I don't know if God exists, 

but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

~Jules Renard

"The Future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" Eleanor Roosevelt

The end of 2011 is quickly approaching. Isn't it strange, when we stop to look at it,we may be actually looking forward to the end only to start a new beginning? As some have said, we could "wish our lives away" if we are not careful. Do we REALLY have to wait for our future to arrive before we can believe in our dreams? I know through personal experience that we do NOT have to "just hope" anymore.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Like many others, I have been on a healing journey from abuse for many years. After having lived through years of  dysfunction in my family of origin and then an abusive "Christian" marriage I have courageously explored my own heart, soul and mind in a very deep personal search for greater understanding and healing.  More recently, after I finally realized that I was STILL not living the life that I had planned; I was shocked into reality and had to make a choice. I chose to start living the life that I had ONLY dreamt of. I chose to dream and NOT let go of my dreams ever again.


As Joseph Campbell was quoted to have said: I had to "be willing to let go of the life I had planned" to HAVE the life that WAS WAITING for me.

Finding Joe (the movie trailer on Youtube)

After becoming a Christian in 1985, I thought that "my plans" for my life would include some calling from God to sing and minister and write songs, perform and record for "the Kingdom". I asked God in prayer to allow me to marry "for the sake of ministry" (meaning also to have a child) including "church ministry" as I had previously done with my first husband. Being that I was a very strong christian, I felt that this was the ONLY path for my life; it WAS my life. That was until I began to understand the the christian man that I had married (and just recently divorced) was personality disordered, abusive and "just plain not nice". There were several well-meaning Christian friends who had NO idea nor understanding of domestic or "spiritual" abuse who "admonished" me to stay with him and "serve him as Christ would". 

I first understood that the very disrespectful, demeaning and discounting behavior of my ex husband was not only verbal abuse but covert emotional abuse and spiritual abuse in the first three years after marriage. He constantly used "church doctrine" and elements of blame and shame to control and "put me down" so he could "be (my) spiritual head". I was demeaned to the point of depression and after the loss of a stillborn boy child, I realized that this "Christian man's" behavior was abusive and not Christlike by any stretch of the imagination. He would neither submit nor "be accountable" to any authority; no church, pastor or counselor. I spent years in counseling in order to try to adapt to plaguing depression and despair.

Regarding my faith, some might say that I have been "disillusioned" by his abuse and no longer having these goals and wanting to "take part" in religious activities is due to having been in an abusive marriage; but it is SO much more than that. It seemed that I was holding onto a religious expression because that was all that I thought "was me" during the abuse. It was the one thing that could NOT be taken from me although it was constantly attacked and it seemed that every step was taken to control me and my gift (from God) for his own personal gain. I was sickened to realize that he was NOT only NOT a Christian, but an abuser. My plans definitely changed.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track 

that has been there all the while, waiting for you, 

and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. 

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, 

and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”

― Joseph Campbell

I thought that I HAD BEEN following "my bliss" but I realize now that it was NOT my first choice. My bliss, which I now define as "being free to be me" HAD been realized with my first Love in the 80's. I was only hiding from myself while I was "being a christian", hiding from the REAL me that had known and loved and been loved by my Love.

"I have been loved"
Jane Eyre

I realize that the love and bliss that I had been hiding FROM; I had to learn to live without until this past February. There were obstacles as with all true love stories; but in the truest sense of the word; LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. 
I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.  
I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, 
so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane 

will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, 

so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth 

I have found my bliss. I love who I am and who I am spending my life with now. I am "being alive" rather than seeking "the meaning of my life". My BEING ALIVE is my purpose and meaning for being and my search has led me back to my self.

Learning to think for myself...again.

"Believe none of what you hear, 

and half of what you see" 

Benjamin Franklin

 

Mrs. Smith was my somewhat eccentric red-headed fifth grade English teacher who always had an interesting quote to share. She had insight into human development and really seemed to care about "how we learned to think"; not just "what we thought". She would share her opinion how it was abusive to not give a child clean sheets on their bed. In some ways, she taught me to "care for myself" and think about what was really important to me no matter how anyone else treated me. She taught me that I was worthwhile; in her own quirky way. She was respected but a little shunned by other teachers for her eclectic style of "teaching". I really don't remember much of her English teaching but I do remember that she "taught me about life" and for that, Mrs. Smith, I will always be grateful to you.

I have had to think long and hard about this quote for many years. You see, being a christian as I became in 1985 seemed to "teach me" that I was to "believe by faith" and not trust my reason or even try to understand outside of "God's way" of doing it. Mind you, I am not proposing that thinking is NOT part of God's plan for our lives or accepting untruths and lies and abuse IS. What I suggest is that accepting these as "His Way" and  heeding the advice of "well intended believers" is NOT the intention of an Almighty Creator. At the same time, "living by faith"; which can be a very good thing does NOT mean that we trust more in others than we do ourselves.  

I am convinced that God is certainly the MOST misunderstood and misquoted Being in the entire Universe. I think that God would have every right to file charges of UNIVERSAL MISREPRESENTATION of Himself and WIN every case. I have proposed this to say that there is nothing wrong to questioning your faith or your God. If either are too fragile to sustain a question, an investigation even, then maybe they aren't "big enough" to begin with. 

Through my journey of healing from abuse; I have not come to a crisis of faith but a clarity of faith. I have learned and truly believe that it is not only NOT a sin to think for myself; God did give me the ability to have higher consciousness and even to have thoughts of Him but it is my right to learn about myself; learn HOW to think about myself. Learning to think FOR myself was one of the best things that I have done for myself in a LONG time.

What's love got to do with it? An abuser's view of marriage. A TRUE story.

 
Imagine this scene:  A "christian" couple have been separated due to domestic abuse; the wife/mother has left the household eight months prior with their child living separately; totally supporting both she and their son with HER income alone (also paying for the husband's medical insurance as in the past 12 years out of her income). There have been NO sincere attempts by the husband at reconciliation or resolve of "issues" in the marriage; the wife has documented the hurtful words and behavior that he clearly exhibited for many years to only be disregarded and discounted. This meeting was really set up to confirm what the wife feels she has "yet to do".

She invites the husband and her Pastor and his wife (also a Pastor) to her apartment for a home cooked meal. Conversation is light and leads them into the living room for some more discussion. While the Pastor is talking about his marriage to his wife; the topic turns to his "role" as being a Christian man and the inappropriateness of "demanding" of  submission by a husband.  The husband pulls out his Bible and says to him "I don't want to hear anything that does not come out of this; I will not take any of YOUR counsel".

The Pastor quickly senses that this man is not one to "take anyone's word for it" and obliges him by taking his Bible which was pushed toward him and opens it to 1 Corinthians 13. The Love chapter. The Pastor persuasively reads the entire chapter aloud while remaining to stand and then hands the Bible back to the husband. With total disgust in his voice and obvious air of superiority at having been "read the Word", he so eloquently states (in question form but obviously rhetorical)  

"WHAT does THAT have to do with ME and MY MARRIAGE???"

That makes me think of Tina Turner's song "What's love go to do with it?" and according to this abusive husband LOVE has NOTHING to do with HIM or HIS MARRIAGE. His own words stand to testify of "his faith" and lack of love for his wife. Of course, to end our story, the Pastor proceeded to state his intention that he would  "not cast pearl before swine" by continuing the conversation and that it was "over" and thanked me for the dinner and headed toward the door.

Another choice response by the husband was,  

"Are you calling me a PIG?"

 On a more positive note:  LOVE does have EVERYTHING to do with a good and healthy marriage; whether you are married to "a person who claims to be of a certain faith who obviously does NOT practice what he preaches" or married to a wonderful person who has come to learn that there is NO excuse for abuse. Don't be fooled by a PIG in sheep's clothing. 

****For the record; I hope that you found this amusing. It truly happened JUST as it is recorded. The irony and humor was somewhat diminished at the time by the true shock that ANYONE would even make such comments. Looking back at this as "a pig in sheep's clothing" gives me a chuckle. Abuse is not funny but the stupidity of the abusive behaviour can truly be comical. To add to it; I have eaten "Kosher" for over 18 years. This IS a true story.