Musings on solitude

Solitude

I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.

Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person whom I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself? 

Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.

If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.

I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.

What's in your heart???

Why do we fear to look within? 
Don't we know that what is "within" is the true "us"? And why do we avoid the truth about who we are when that is what is needed to be healed and made whole???

LOOK into your heart today...don't be afraid. 



I suppose that we might think that it might be easier for an introspective, intuitive personality to be "inward looking" but what about the EXTRAVERTS...like myself? We have NO excuse...I know that we can "look within" as long as we are WILLING to accept and embrace what we see without judgement. 

The only justice is to follow the sincere intuition of the soul, angry or gentle.

Anger is just, and pity is just, but judgement is never just.

~ D. H. Lawrence ~

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I love when things are transparent, free and clear 

of all inhibition and judgement.

~ Pharrell Williams ~ (of "Happy" fame)

I have looked within my heart all my life. I have always known that the only way to live a life and "find myself, be healed from abuse and learn to dream again", starts with ME accepting myself without judgement. With gentle openness and acceptance. And as soon as we accept and love ourselves, the sooner we allow ourselves to accept and love others.

I have often said that I am am writer but I admit, that I am much more a thinker and philosopher, counselor and friend and helper to many, including myself than the writer that I have hoped to become. I accept this in myself. If I want to become more of a writer; I must WILL myself to BE more of a writer. Happiness, peace and wholesome living is just like that...we create it. And we must start with ourselves...

START WITHIN  TODAY...visit us at Singing a New Song  on Facebook...a place where you can begin to "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Heartache

Doesn't everyone experience heartache at one time or another? Abuse survivors are NOT exempt from heartache; matter of fact, from my experience and the experience of many other abuse survivors, it seems that abuse survivors have lived WITH heartache possibly even more than we have lived without it. It is unfortunate, that such loving hearts are so hurt continually, but that is the nature of abuse...it brings heartache to the hearts that love. 



The song (you can listen here; will open in a new window): Total Eclipse of the Heart: Bonnie Tyler (You tube) reminds me of loving a person who is experiencing abuse. Why do I say that? Because I truly believe that without abuse, heartache like this could not fully exist. I would only hope that no one else would ever experience the mind-bending, soul-crushing and heart-wrenching effects of abuse. 

I have been in an abusive marriage. To this day, he denies that he ever verbally abused me and that was only the tip of the iceberg but I never pushed the issue to "make him see the error of his ways". Matter of fact, he accused me of abusing his daughter whom I loved dearly and was "close to" for the first eight years of our marriage from the time she turned 8 years old. He even tried to charge me with abuse during our divorce proceedings which had NOTHING to do with our divorce so I "let him say what he wanted" without any defense or reply.

Losing my ex step daughter was a "total eclipse of the heart" for me. Learning that her father had done so much to sabotage our relationship; things that I could hardly believe that anyone could ever consider doing to another human being, that I fell into depression. My heart ached so badly that I could hardly bear to feel anything from it. When we have heartache, it means that we "love". I am not sorry for loving nor will I ever be. I will acknowledge that the pain of heartache was an abusive act by an unloving person toward one who had loved them...me. 

Finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again, in my experience, does not immunize us from heartache. Matter of fact, it may be that heartache, maybe due to LOVE, is the motivator for healing. I believe this to be true anyways and I am hopeful that someday, my heartache will lessen but I will never forget how I LOVED and I will never regret it.

Are you happy?

Change. 

It is a hard thing to face. 

It can come to us simply disguised as a very simple question like 

"Are you happy?". 

If we are very honest with ourselves, 

and truly, we truly need to be totally honest with ourselves,

we will face the fears of knowing the truth, we will survive it,

and then we will have the single most powerful weapon in the universe, 

Truth. The most needed element of happiness.

Light

 Light. Truth. Love. Power. All words are synonymous
in ways and perhaps the reason why that Light is a common symbol of many holidays. Lights and candles are used year round in many homes but none are consumed as much as when they symbolize truth and intimacy; intimate romantic dinners where the proposal of marriage may take place, the lighting of one candle in a marriage ceremony, the light of candles or battery -powered lights carried by carollers or the flame of one candle as it is passed to another in either a Christmas or New Year's Eve celebration.

Looking inside me; not afraid to see who I really am.

This above all, to thine own self be true.

~ William Shakespeare

NO matter what happens in this life; I just want to scream: to YOUR OWN SELF...BE TRUE! 
I strongly believe that people are so messed up in this world today because that they have learned to LIE to themselves, live in denial and BE dishonest with themselves about who they really are. They have not taken William's quote and applied it to their lives; "to thine own self, be true".

 Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from!  

~John Eyberg

How many times have we "run from ourselves". A song from the musical "Pippin" called Simple Joys (Ben Vereen- Simple Joys from Pippin) gleefully and truthfully states it clearly.

He ran from all the things he done, 

he ran from things he'd just begun, 

he ran from himself 
now that's mighty far to run....

The self is a remarkably fragile yet undeniably real concept. I embrace the woman who is "me". I affirm her and acknowledge that she is unique and special in all the world and worthy of my time and attention. It might feel strange or peculiar at first to "talk about yourself" in second person but I believe that it helps me to "see me" from a more objective and respectful position. I can then "look inside me" to see who I have become and feel with great joy and sometimes great pain, the events that have formed who I am. I can calmly look at the choices that I have made and even realize that I have lately made some VERY good choices for myself and my young son and feel good about them, their effects and how it reflects upon on my personal growth and healing.

I encourage you today to NOT be afraid to "look inside yourself". I would say that very deep within you is a remarkably unique and wonderful person; just waiting for you to help him or her, get out of the bondage of abuse and pain and begin to live life fully and freely. You are worth it.

  

Let's hear it for the boy! A tribute to my son.

Whew...my son arrived HOME today. I had spent almost three weeks of anxiously wondering, ok, I was worrying, if he was eating right, getting exercise and having fun as well as hoping that his mind and heart was not being intentionally filled with the deceptions of a personality disordered father during his last visitation. He looks no real worse for wear but he did gain some weight. I guess the hot fudge sundaes and Pancake House artistic creations for breakfast have certainly added to it. He is happy to be home. I am VERY happy and MUCH LESS anxious now that he IS home.

He starts school on Monday. My son is enrolled in an arts based charter school and its school year is starting even before both our "city" and our own district public schools are starting their year. He is wearing a uniform; navy khakis and navy, white and grey polo shirts. He is so handsome in polos and khakis. In early June after his school year ended, I picked him up and brought him home. I showed him "his father's new wife's" Facebook page that announced that "they were married" and that his daddy had married another woman and a picture proved it. (Check out FB page with picture of bigamist and his new wife)

He told me that "daddy can't marry B, he is married to you" and I told him, "that is right; it is illegal to be married to two women at the same time, it is a crime and it is called bigamy". In the week that followed, he spoke to his dad on the phone and called him a "liar and a bigamist". What can he say to that but ADMIT that it is truth. Both my experience and psychological studies show that persons with Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder do not see themselves as we see them. They MUST see themselves as "perfect". For heaven's sake, my son's father wouldn't admit to flatulence!

On our final court hearing for divorce last month, I realized that he had told his new wife that we were all meeting there in my county court house for child support and custody orders AFTER we had been divorced. Deception abounds but at least I know the truth. He had invited her to meet me upon my request since he wanted to take our son with them for visitation. My son went right over to them JUST AFTER I had made him "pinky promise" that he would not say anything to his dad or B about "anything". I guess he either did not quite understand me or really just wanted to"let his dad have it" in front of his dad's "new wife". Gotta love that boy of mine; I am :proud of 'im" (said with a Scottish brogue)
 
I have leaned many things of this "small snippet of history":
1- You can pretend to be anything you want but I don't have to believe it!
2- It is foolish to deny that denial exists. Denying you are in denial, doesn't make it go away.
3- You can't fool a child or at least, you aren't going to get away with it if the child is my son!
4- Narcissists and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disordered persons may believe that they are always right and everyone is always wrong. It doesn't "make it so".
5- The innocence and honesty of a child should NEVER be sacrificed for a pride of a person or parent; EVER.
6- As my mother would say "It will ALL come out in the wash"; nothing is hidden that will not eventually be revealed; all we have to do is sit back and wait. Truth WILL win out every time.

My son has taught me a lot through this. I hope that I can be like him when I grow up.