Taking our power back

"He who controls others 
may be powerful, 
but he who has mastered himself 
is mighter still"

Lao Tzu

The self is a very complex thing. When we see our selves as separate entities, unique in all the World we can become overwhelmed at the myriad of characteristics that can be observed or seen. I think of a cut out paper doll. It is not three dimensional. It is one dimensional, made out of a flimsy paper, cut roughly into a shape of a doll and colored with various crayons, markers or paints. It is a mere representation of what is real. It is not a doll; it is a paper cut out figure of a doll.

In many ways, the person that we see outwardly is only a representation of the self that the outward shell houses. What we see is not always what we should expect to get as it is plain, that the self is intricate, man's being is deeply woven together by fibers of eternity and not mere paper and that personality and expression are solely the outward expression of a greater being hiding beneath the skin. Even if we add all the parts of a person together; wouldn't “the whole (still) be greater than the sum of the parts its made of”?* Holistically, we are very diverse and very indistinguishable from another. 

How does a person even begin to “know oneself”? To understand the many experiences that make up a person's perspective, would take a lifetime or more. Knowing ourselves must certainly precede any control or mastering of the same.

Getting inside the mind of an abuser, a controlling person who only seems to care to control and manipulate others to "believe in him" and "do his will", we can see that there is a "power" of sorts there. I believe that it is the power of the abused, used against themselves. The abuser may exert this power externally because they are do not have the self-knowledge and self-discipline to discipline and  control themselves and this is also the point of healing for the abused. If we KNOW that we ourselves are "master of ourselves" and no one else, we can gain the needed self-respect required to combat the insidious attacks of our self-esteem by the abuser. Taking our power back from those how have discounted, disrespected, demeaned and devalued us with words and actions, is our right. This generally naturally begins our journey of finding ourselves. 

We really do deserve to HAVE, KNOW and LOVE ourselves. Wishing that for you this holiday season. May there be many times that you feel empowered to take the healing journey of "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

We are worth it!!!






* from "Love song" from Broadway Musical, Pippin. (see Fun Videos page)

Climb every mountain...

The Quiet Stillness of the Soul

She walks alone...
in the darkest of night, the rising fog swirls at her feet
as the sun peers through the clouds,
casting shadows along the path before her. 

There are times, many times in my life, where I have felt a deep peace, a stillness and quietness in my soul that seemed to pervade all the noise of the environment around me and overtake it. It totally fills my inner self with a great fullness; unlike the fullness of eating a large meal or a filling and overflowing of joy that comes after a family gathering, no, it is not like those at all. It seems that things like this are not usual subjects of conversation or interrogation. It is as though it only exists in the person who experiences it and cannot be brought out in the land of the living as other more common experiences can be.






Maybe the experience of deep inner peace is not so common. The quietness and stillness of the soul is a rare, perhaps even matchless or incomparable to any other human experience and emotional reality. Perhaps this stillness is reserved and even preserved for those who will give it the time and space that it needs to take residence. It is for and only seen by the patient soul; the one who is willing to set aside all the cares of the world and experience this deep inner knowing of peace.

I remember hearing both children as I was growing up and young women as I grew into adulthood complain of loneliness. I never really understood what loneliness was or why it was so aberrantly avoided and even shunned by people who just did not have someone to talk to for a moment. I have had to see that the term loneliness is really preferring to be with others who are not available “leaving us only to ourselves” and I could never understand how that is such a bad thing. How could anyone be lonely if they had themselves to entertain and hold company with? I just don't understand why anyone would not prefer being alone to having to spend time with a boorish uneducated and unimaginative “friend”. Why would I want to be with others when my mind would entertain me with the history and imagination of the ages instead? Sir Edward Dyer wrote a poem called “My mind to me a kingdom is”; the most profound and most celebratory statement for the concept and practice of “aloneness” that I have ever found. I guess that is what being a writer and “dreamer of dreams” is all about. How could I ever get bored or lonely when I have so much going on inside me?

Loneliness and being alone are two separate ideologies. Loneliness must imply a wanting for a specific person; to be in their presence and to experience their being and feeling a deep yearning to be with someone who is not able to be with us for whatever reason. We feel “lonely” for them. We yearn to be with them and in being with them, perhaps we are finding a part of ourselves or even communing with ourselves in the only way that we have learned how up to this point in our lives. I would imagine that loneliness under this definition would bring about great sadness and longing for another. What bothers me most about this concept is that it totally obliterates the sufficiency of the self; the enjoyment of our own uniqueness and the unequivocal imagination of having a real relationship with our “selves”. It is almost “self-denial” in its greatest or lowest form. This is what truly saddens me. Being alone on the other hand may imply the desire to spend time alone; solitude and introspective moments of deep peace and soul searching. Being alone acknowledges the separateness that makes each and every one of us human and special. Being alone affirms me as an individual and as a unique and wonderfully creative and productive person who has many heartfelt wishes and desires and hopes for my life and those whom I love; why would I NOT want to be alone?

When I think of quietness I think of a very undisturbed night where the breeze is tranquil or nonexistent. The birds and crickets are even asleep. They are miraculously stilled and hushed as if a blanket has been spread and the earth is giving vigil to the night. The quietness can be deafening. It is an eerie emptiness that transcends and exceeds our imaginative process of being possible. The quietness almost hurts our ears in its loudness of its presence where some would say that the lack of presence is what causes the quietness; I contend that the quietness overtakes the confusion and noise. 

When I think of stillness I can see a very serene pond or body of water that clearly and gently reflects the sky and all that is around it almost mirror like mockery that is a surreal picture of what does not exist. A paradox. Stillness is the absence of movement. Stillness of a body of water can reflect and reveal so much around it. It makes me wonder if a “still spirit” can do the same thing. Can a person with a “still and quiet spirit” reflect the world off of themselves for others to see? Just as “still waters run deep”, can a “still spirit” be deep with empowering quietness? There is something about the stillness and quietness that demands our respect and attention. Even louder than a scream for help, the stillness of the wind or water commands total honor. We are “stilled” in our tracks and must stop what we are doing and thinking in order to pay obeisance to the quietness; the stillness and the power of control whether it is revealed to us outwardly in nature or less obviously, in the heart of man.

There is much to say about the illusive qualities of quietness and stillness of the soul; but one only has to stop and listen; honor and respect the deep paradoxical full void of the self in its richest and most wonderful expression of life.

When healing feels like mountain climbing

Acadia National Park, Maine, USA. 

No one EVER said that healing emotionally and intellectually after abuse was easy; certainly NOT me. I know that it feels like an uphill battle...it can be lonely and it can be scary. 

At times, maybe most of the time, our healing journey feels like climbing and even scaling a mountainside...we are always pushing ourselves to "go higher" with little to no understanding or expectation of what it will look like when we get to the top. 


I remember climbing hills and "being a mountain goat" among the rocky mountain sides near my home when I was young. I loved to hike and found a challenge in ever nook and crevice along the way. I was careful to make sure that my FOOTING was secure...this is a really important step (pardon the intentional pun) in our healing journeys as well.

There were times that I had to pause and rest along the way; it wasn't a sprint or a race. I PACED MYSELF.

The higher I climbed the better the view looked; I could SEE FARTHER when I was up higher. It also gave me greater motivation to continue.

As I looked BACK, I could see what I had left and I was NOT sorry for having traveled though it might have been treacherous at times.

I could feel that I HAD BECOME STRONGER already. I had climbed this high and experienced a "new perspective" on my world and I felt like I had really accomplished something.

When I reached the top; which it may feel like we never succeed in doing in our healing journeys, it is exhilarating. I know that I have had moments, experiences and feelings of great joy and pride in my own accomplishments along my healing path and that I could ENJOY THE TRIP more if I was not focused on the "end" result...in life, in my opinion, it is the journey that is what it is all about; not the mountain top.

Our life's journey is really all about "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" and to accomplish each step in our own time and way...It will not be done in one day; it is a healing journey that sometimes feels like climbing a mountain...and that's okay. WE are worth it all!!!

It is always darkest before the Dawn

I remember getting up in the wee hours of a summer morning to pile into the car with my family as we headed to visit relatives in a nearby state. I never fully understood the reasoning that dad had for getting up in the ungodly hour, it must have been about 3 am and it was SO dark outside. Why do we want to start a journey in the dark??? 

Maybe because it just "happens to be dark" that we find that there are less cars on the road, less obstacles, and easier to travel with kids having fallen back to sleep in the back seat. 


For our healing journeys, it feels like we "find ourselves" in the dark and yearn for the "light of day" where we feel good about ourselves and others around us. We long for somewhere we do not feel disrespected and abused. Somewhere and with someone with whom we feel valued and loved. 

Ironically or not, I have always loved the night. It is peaceful and serene, for me. It may not be seen that way by everyone until we become aware of the darkness within ourselves and realize our great need to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

The "dark night of the soul" is a place that I have found to be a sacred meeting place with our hearts and minds. It allows us the solitude and introspection that we need to do the deep inner healing that we all deserve.

Don't be afraid of the dark...the "dark" within you. Embrace it and take it with you on your healing journey; it is a part of you that needs healing. 

You deserve to "come out of the dark", the dark of confusion and pain. Embrace your truth so that you can begin "Singing a New Song". 

Think Big

Shared from Dodinsky's "The Garden of Thoughts" on Facebook

I think a lot about the process of thinking and the content of my thoughts and how I came to the conclusions that I have. I have learned that WHAT I think and HOW I think about life will directly effect the magnitude of my life.

When I think of the "magnitude of our thoughts", I am instantly reminded of a book that I read many years ago title "Think Big", written by Dr. Benjamin Carson, African American Neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. He has inspired me to keep growing, keep learning, keep dreaming and more importantly, keep reaching for my goals. 

Let's look at some of his quotes to get an idea or two of how we can THINK BIG!!! 

“People are simply not willing to look at their problems honestly 

and admit that they have problems.” 

       Dr. Benjamin Carson

Dr. Carson is talking all about self-discovery, integrity and above all, rejection of denial in our lives. I have this to be one of the BIGGEST obstacles to clear from our lives in order to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

“It does not matter where we come from or what we look like. 

If we recognize our abilities, are willing to learn and to use what we know in helping others, 

we will always have a place in the world.” (BC)

His insight is only exceeded by his HOPE for all people to "have a place in the world". We ALL have value. We all have something to offer and something that we ourselves as well as others enjoy about us. A willingness to learn and then USE what we know in order to help others is a great goal for our lives.

“We get out of life what we put into it. 

The way we treat others is the way we ourselves get treated.” (BC)

This seems to follow "you reap what you sow" principle. We get out of life what we put into it. Why not put "our all" into it??? We are worth the investment. 

“I am convinced that knowledge is power - to overcome the past, 

to change our own situations, to fight new obstacles, 

to make better decisions.”  (BC)

Here is the "Pièce de résistance"...the crowning thought of his quotes. Learning must involve increasing our knowledge base about life, ourselves and learn how to focus our thoughts and energy toward making healthy decisions so that we can all be "Singing a New Song". 

THINK BIG...your dreams deserve BIG thoughts because you are worth it!!!

Living too much

When was the last time that you were accused of "living too much"? If you ask me, I would interpret that "accusation" as being an affirmation that I am appearing successful in enjoying my life. Really, is there such a thing as "living too much"? I don't think so.


Do you have fun in what "you do"? Do you take time to mindfully enjoy your family, friends, meals, hobbies, etc??? If not, why not? Wouldn't it be strange for someone to say to us "You know, it may be just my opinion, but I think that you "live life too much"? How absurd!!! I would even suspect that a statement like this would be an attempt to control, minimize or defeat our success in life!

Why this has come to my mind is that I am joining a THIRD community chorale/choir. This one only meets in the summer, two days per week and the other two do not meet in the summer but will perform before school starts again. Well, it will take a bit of my time...Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights for the next month and then only Sunday and Wednesday nights for the rest of the summer vacation.  It will challenge me to memorize and perform the music without sheet music in front of me...all three chorales!!! Do I have the brain capacity and love of music to do this??? Do I really want to??? I just have to ask myself "am I trying to live too much"??? Of course, it is a silly question and seems absurd to ask it let alone answer it but in honesty, I asked and answered. My answer is no. Never. I don't believe in "living too much" or enjoying being part of and expressing myself through music when the opportunity rises. Will it take time away from my favorite TV program, Master Chef? Unfortunately, yes, it will. Will I survive without Master Chef??? Surprisingly but with great woe I can answer "yes". I would rather "live too much" and "make the beauty that I love be what I do" than to watch others live life too much!!!

Be a participant not just an observer in life. DARE to live life too much. I challenge you as I challenge myself to include all the things in your life that you love the most. Enjoy them daily. It is our life and no one can or should try to live it for us.

Now, if someone ever accuses you of "living life too much", you will know just how to respond to them.

You are worth it. Never forget that.