Get back to the basics

Singing a New Song

began as a vehicle used to speak out against spiritual abuse/domestic abuse in the christian marriage. 

Religion has been and remains the most commonly used vehicle for abuse. 

Abuse is insidious. As a christian, I strongly believed that "a christian man would NEVER abuse his wife". While I still believe this to be partly true, I also have experienced how the concepts we believe and the religious dogma we embrace can set us up as victims of religious abuse. 

I was a very active christian many years before I met my son's father. I had been very involved in serving in the church in worship leading, teaching, prayer, conference planning and program developing and coordinating. I love people and had found a wonderful niche for my creative and musical outlets. I had a wonderful life serving the Lord and enjoying my "family". 

When we are "in church" (christian church that is) we tend to assume that most everyone there is a christian. They have come to worship God with us and we have much more in common than we may have dividing or distinguishing us from each other. Looking back on it, I see this assumption as part of our need to BELONG. We all feel a deep need to "belong somewhere" or "to someone". Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows a pyramid of needs that places BELONGING just about physiological and safety needs: including within it: friendship, family and sexual intimacy. These are very BASIC needs.

I didn't understand my needs at the time and how religion has fulfilled the bottom three level on this Needs scale but I realized that it has played a significant supporting role in the next level of needs: ESTEEM.

As much as I had trusted God, I now realize that I had trusted man too much and my ability to discern intent of others and interpret behavior within marriage too little. I was in the worship team the day my ex husband and his daughter walked into the church that I had so joyfully served. Only a few brief months of courtship and 19 months later, confusion nd frustration began filling our home when my then christian husband seemed to be "unhappy" with me while I was pregnant with our now 13 year old son. He became critical, unloving, biting, harsh in his speech and manner and even so demanding that I "behave as a christian woman should" that I was reluctant to share my feelings and thoughts of my difficulty in the pregnancy. He said "you have changed, I am still the same". He later called me "contentious" and "disobedient" and even said in later years..."when you disobey ME, you disobey God". 

Now, as I look upon this, I can see that this is just abusive, manipulative behavior. NOT christian at all. But I had believed and continued to want to believe that he was truly a very good christian but yet experienced deeply disturbing cognitive dissonance over this. HOW can a christian man be so callous, unloving, demanding and even abusive??? I studied the Bible more, scouring it for wisdom and understanding on how I should view my new christian husband's behavior in light of feeling abused. I then found a few books on abuse by christian authors: (Jan Silvious's book: Fool Proofing your life and Leslie Vernick's book "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship") and I realized that "not all that glitters, is not gold" or "just because he says he is a christian, appears to act like a christian, seems to believe as a christian believes, doesn't mean that he is not or cannot be an abuser". 

This was a VERY harsh reality for me to accept. I didn't want to believe that what I had held as principles and concepts of virtue that I had held dearly would be so twisted in attempts to control, manipulate, discredit, demean, discount and disrespect me...after all, he was a christian. A christian man would not abuse. THIS WAS A FALSE PREMISE, a VERY untrue assumption that kept me in an abusive marriage for may years 8 years beyond my initial revelation that I was being abused by my christian husband.

Patricia Evan's books; mainly "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak out" and "Contolling People" where too books; disdainfully shun and severely criticized by my then "christian husband" as being "not of God" and I was not only "admonished" to not read them but to "only read the Bible" and "listen and obey" him. He was "my head". I was just a woman. At one time, I "misplaced" the book, "Controlling People" twice...I had to buy new copies. I believe that he had thrown them away in attempts to dissuade me from reading them and awakening to HIS ABUSE OF ME in this "christian marriage". 

I found the book, "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern. It was another "forbidden" book but by that time, I had separated from him, taking our then 8 year old son to live apart from him and his daughter. 

I share all of this to caution all those who hold onto a belief system and seek to find others who believe as you do to form the security of friendship, family and sexual intimacy that there are "wolves wearing sheep's clothing" among those who call themselves christians...and they CAN and DO use religion to ABUSE and control their victims.

The foundation of healing

Starting over is something that we must do to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Instead of embarking on a new adventure, we may feel that we have failed and have to "start again". That's when we need to find a "new song".

I remember saying to myself, "I want my old life back" but after much thought, I realized that my old life is what got me into an abusive relationship with a christian man whom I assumed would be respectful, loving and caring. My "old life" was one of dependence upon others, by choice, in trusting one who proved to be unworthy of my trust. I had an epiphany and vision of sorts, before I even began my healing journey. Sometimes, we may need to admit to ourselves, that "letting go" of the life that we are living and embracing a NEW life; one that does not necessarily try to hold onto to all or many of the elements of the damaged and abusive life that we endured, that it is time to find a new song to sing and stop trying to fix the old one. 

I remember being at a "deep healing" place in my life when I "needed to place bricks" (dislodged or misplaced) parts of my life, in the "road of my life" so that if I would ever need to walk over the same place again, they would be placed "squarely" so that I would not stumble over them. I likened the bricks to "tying each knot" and leaving no lose ends in the relationship/marriage so I could move on with my life. It might have been many years later that I began to understand, that I did not understand that I didn't understand so much about myself. 

I then started to believe that I wanted a NEW life. 

I wanted a life where I would be able to be freely me and to follow my dreams without hindrance. All in all, setting a GOOD foundation for my life; based upon truth and self-knowledge was where my healing could find a home and I could move on to invite peace into my life and world. 

My healing truly started with seeing "my brick road" before me, as a vision of the foundation for the healing path that I would safely and successfully travel the rest of my life.

Life is a journey, not a destination ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

I once believed that whatever I did today would "get me to my future" tomorrow...

but somewhere along the way, I forgot to enjoy "today".

When I was younger, I "lived for the future" instead of being mindful and fully living "today". I have heard it referred to as "wishing your life away". I used all my energy to drag myself through each day; just trying to survive the mind bending, soul wrenching and spirit crushing verbal and emotional abuse. Each morning seemed like waking up finding myself serving a prison sentence and each night after working in an office all day, going back to my prison cell. I was surviving but not thriving or living. The presence of oppression and abuse seemed to confuse and cloud my vision of any "dream". The deeper I sunk into despair, the further away my "future" seemed and the more impossible my dream seemed to become. Over time, I began to realize that I was "in denial" and the breaking away of denial by TRUTH was freeing me to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

The epiphany finally came where I realized that I was LIVING MY LIFE right now and that just biding my time and weakly hoping for a future would not get me there. I started to find good things in each day; of course, they usually did not have anything to do with the behavior or person of my abuser but my other family members; my son, my mom and friends were sources of enjoyment and opportunities for relief from the hellish life I was living.

Being musical and "sensitive", I began to involve myself in my hobbies, my joys and my stress outlets. I realized that in these activities, I was "finding myself" in finding the things that brought me joy. I began to see the woundedness that I had endured and started calling it what it was; ABUSE. I treated myself kindly and day by day I learned to be patient with myself and to stop making excuses for others. Positive self-talk was vital at this point in my life. "Learning to dream again" was something that needed to be "excavated", after been deeply buried within my heart and consciousness. My dream was to be with the man whom I first loved; my first love. This seemed so impossible yet I dreamt of him and my heart would not let him go. I had no choice but to face my dream, deal with my feelings of its impossibility and I daily worked through my feelings, my fears and my frustrations until I could see myself FREE to follow my dream.

Why do we "put off until tomorrow what we (need) can do today???". We put off and put aside our dreams maybe in the attempt to accept our "today" with the impossibility of tomorrow. Then one day, our dreams waken deep within us and we are strengthened and emboldened to begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

YOU are worth every effort that it takes to ENJOY TODAY. Today is where your life is right now...it is not in "tomorrow". Enjoy the journey. You are worth it!!!

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
Haruki Murakami

The world consists of many types of people. There are "our" types; those who love wholeheartedly, care deeply, live passionately, give generously and are compassionate and want "everything good" for our loved ones and ourselves. We want to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

Sadly, there are person who have been symptomatically and neurologically tested to be physiologically different from us; they have a "mental difference" that causes their behavior to be inconsistent, "on the edge of rage" all the time, hurt by imagined or at worst, unintentional "disrespect" or what we see as "petty arguments escalating to full blown rage". Some would say that this is abusive behavior but those with mental illness SUFFER greatly themselves. Not all abusers may be mentally ill, but I believe that some should garner compassion from those of us who understand and care about them. These symptoms are similar to many symptoms experienced by a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. It it insidious.

While we look at how other's behaviors affect us and can cause very deep emotional scarring and need for healing, we are also looking at our thoughts and feelings and determining which of them are "healthy" and are actually assisting us in healing from abuse. After we have been consistently walking our path of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and beginning to learn to dream again", we will start seeing that we are not the only ones who have pain. Right now, we are protecting ourselves and establishing much needed boundaries to "SAY NO" to abuse and "take good care of ourselves". There will come a time, when we are feeling "pretty healed" and we will then be able to look more closely at our abuser's pain. Yes, they create it themselves but maybe without therapy, supportive medication and healing, they may not be able to do anything to help themselves. Let's shine some compassion upon this and ask "if you were in their shoes, and suffering through self-loathing, would you have compassion enough upon yourself to WANT to stop the negative and destructive self-talk?" While we CAN become more familiar and in control of our thoughts, those with a mental illness may have LESS control over themselves and their thoughts than we would ever imagine. This is the wickedness of mental illness; though we may love them, our love cannot "cure" them. We cannot "control" the abuse or their self-loathing and self-sabotage and we certainly have realized that we DID NOT CAUSE their pain and the pain we have felt from their abusive behavior toward us. 

Here at "Singing a New Song" we try to uncover the hidden obstacles, debilitating fear and thoughts that hold us back from "Singing a New Song". Understanding and having compassion on persons who "cannot" think and feel like we do (by themselves, without intense therapy, DBT preferred), we HELP OURSELVES heal from the "abuse" that we endure from them. 

KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM and COMPASSION is not just for those who are abusive to us; they are for US to understand and to not give into a victim mentality, we are survivors. 

We are worth it!!!

Be happy

I have personally learned something VERY VALUABLE that I would like to share with you...

If you are in an abusive relationship; healing from an abusive relationship and fearing another abusive relationship; THIS message is for you. ONE THING that abuse cannot do is IMITATE JOY. An abuser or mentally ill person will PROJECT their negative emotions and "bad behavior" onto those who are "acting" in a way that will sustain that "belief". They really WANT to believe that they are not the ones who are abusive but that they are the victims, and being abused by us. 


So what do we do when we are the victim of projection; the denial of unpleasant and even painful revelation of emotions faced by another person; maybe one who has a mental illness? 

• PUT ON A HAPPY FACE...they cannot project their "Nasty attitudes" and "Nasty tone of voice" to someone who is not mirroring it back to them!!!!! (let that sink in for a moment)

• BE HAPPY...BE YOURSELF...NO ONE can make you less happy than you can make yourself, and there is NO ABUSE or PERSON who is powerful enough to take your joy away. HOLD ONTO YOUR JOY and smile and be happy around those who want to accuse YOU of abusing them...like an argument, it really isn't even a "conversation" if two people aren't talking. Don't try to appease them...BE HAPPY.

• It is so true that MISERY LOVES COMPANY; don't invite Misery to your house for dinner. INVITE JOY and HAPPINESS and you will see that Misery loves "other company" and should "stay home" if they aren't able to DUMP their negative feelings and self-concept on you. Problem solved. 

• I have studied abusive behavior a LONG time and this seems to be a SOLUTION to abuse. DON'T give it power by "being like it". Don't be the mirror which enables them to USE US to project feelings that they do not want to deal with onto us!!!

• JUST BE YOU!!! You can call me "smiley face" from now on because I am not "waiting" for anyone to make me happy. I will bring my own happiness into my life and keep it; if no one wants to be around happiness, that is fine with me. 

• You are worth it!!!

When woundedness is NOT weakness

I have been meditating on WHY WE ARE IN SUCH DENIAL about the abuse that we have survived.

Sometimes I wonder "how well" we survived as we try to live our lives as it never happened.

This is one of the worst tragedies that I can imagine...to try to live a life without living it fully and freely. Living it in the woundedness and accepting it as a weakness when I believe that woundedness and KNOWING and being aware of our psychological and emotional anguish and angst is NOT a bad thing, it is NOT a weakness, it is a woundedness.


A child rides a bike, or skateboards or roller blades and falls and scrapes his knees and elbows until they bleed...THAT is woundedness...wounds that are visible, are palpable, or able to BE FELT and that NEED attention in order to heal.

This may be the reason why there is such SHAME surrounding mental illness and the damage caused by abuse. We are ashamed to see our woundedness and "push it aside" in denial, as one does with not wanting to remember the abuse and relive its pain.

Let's look again at the child...the child in us even. When we have endured OBVIOUS wounds, pain that hurts and may even be visible, just imagine if we DENY it and when our parent comes to clean us up, we push them away and say "What are you doing? I don't need you. I am not hurt". SEE, I am JUST FINE!!!". As a parent, we would be perplexed at the least and possibly very frustrated to see that our child is DENYING their wounds, treating them more like a "weakness" that brings shame but even MORE tragic than that, they try to "live with their woundedness" and pain and dysfunction rather than choose to "find themselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". They seem to have internalized  the effects of abuse and see themselves as "weak" and the shame that they feel is shunned and hid in the denial of their pain. How tragic.

I believe that there is not even ONE person who has not been "wounded" emotionally and psychologically, somehow, in their lives. We ALL have wounds that need healing. We ALL have weaknesses that we can turn into strengths. The great injustice that we do TO ourselves is when we confuse these two elements. We do not need to be ashamed of our wounds any more than we should see our weaknesses as permanent character flaws. We deserve to heal and live happy lives. We did not deserve to be abused. We did not bring mental illness or distress upon ourselves. We CAN grow and overcome a personality weakness that we see and acknowledge. We really are worth it.

***If you have read this and understand and feel that this has affected you, would you PLEASE join @/Singing a New Song on Facebook to comment and discuss and like and share the healing thoughts and encouragements that this community has to offer YOU.
YOU are worth it!!!

I just don't FEEL like it...

Have you ever gotten to a point that you rhetorically ask yourself "What IS the point of it all?" You feel fed up, tired and any attempt to "make things better" has usually ended up with life being much harder, more painful. We may even get to the point that we just have to ask "What the...*add your own expletive*"?????

Sometimes we get so tired of fighting that we stop to reevaluate why we are fighting so hard and what we are fighting for in the first place. This is actually a great to do. And though we may be feeling that we are on the border of depression and emotional exhaustion. The question we can ask ourselves is "What do we do when we "just don't feel like it?" What would be best for us???



The first thing that I do in these times is to have a talk with myself. Yes, I talk to myself a bit. I am at least assured that someone who cares is listening...and I say "It's OK that I feel like crap right now, emotionally I feel exhausted, sad, helpless and even to the point of asking "what the *****?" about nearly everything in my life...just GO AHEAD and FEEL YUCKY...feel it really good. Experience the YUCK of life that most people avoid. Become friends with it to the point of asking "it"..."Well, what do WE feel like doing today?"...because as you know the answer to that question overall is "I just don't feel like it". 

It's almost humorous when we see it from this perspective but sometimes we just have to laugh when we feel like crying. Find the absurd in the confusion and make fun of it. Have a chuckle and say "YUCK" at the same time. It really is an unique experience. 

As with other posts and Facebook page posts, here at "Singing A New Song" we advocate and encourage everyone to face their pain. Don't deny it any longer. Make faces and laugh at it. You may find a creative way to release your feelings and produce something wonderful and even helpful to others that may feel as you do...as I have.

Please remember that YOU are WORTH all the yucky, icky, sad, disappointing, angry and heartbreaking emotions that can be felt. To feel is to live. Let's just try to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" and FEEL BETTER while we are "Singing a New Song". Let's listen to our hearts and sing the song that we hear.

We are worth it!!! 

Keeping your healing path clear

Even after many years of "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", I still experience "attempted abuse" from time to time. As you can suspect, from a former spouse/abuser who of course says to this day "I never verbally abused you". Gaslighting at its finest. I still have to remain detached, not lose my composure or feel that I am being attacked by him and need to defend myself. I apply "good self-talk" to walk myself safely through a "discussion" with him without losing sight of where the abuse has brought me...to a place where I am in control and can keep my life FREE from abuse.



Along my healing journey, I have learned so much about myself that I would love to share with you in easy steps that you could just follow, unfortunately, it is not as easy for me to "set my life into easy to follow steps" anymore than it would be for you to follow them and get the same results. So in lieu of this, I attempt to share bits of wisdom, insight and personal growth that I have acquired over many years. I try to encourage you to "take good care of yourself", be mindful, be "gentle" with yourself, and push denial far from you so that your healing path would remain clear.

As many have said and as you might have heard before about "holding onto your healing", I see this as being an appropriate thought as we travel our healing journeys. Every forward step needs to be "stabilized" and "set in stone" as to not have to walk that way again. Every accomplishment, every insight, every success needs to be celebrated.

When we must talk with a former abuser, we need to remind ourselves not only of "who they are" to us and what they have done but also that our boundaries have changed. They no longer, even through their most valiant efforts, are able to penetrate them, because we do not permit it. We have control of our lives now. We make sure that whatever they say to us that we see it AS IT IS...abusive, controlling, manipulative, lies and even "gaslighting". Funny thing is, though we grow on our healing journeys, they have not. They may continue the "same old" song and dance as they used when we were not quite aware of the insidiousness of the abuse that they used on us. It just doesn't work anymore. We see it for as it is...ABUSE.

We can now call a lie, a lie. We can now see our "once perfect" abuser for the liar, manipulator, conniver, controller and most clearly, as the pitiful person who we once loved. We deal with reality, we stay "in the moment" and we realize that we are "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". It is a great thing to be "singing a new song". No matter what we need to go through to reach this place, we will find that it has been worth it because WE are worth it.

In process...

Where are YOU in the process of "Singing a New Song"? 

"Finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". This is the process that I have found to naturally occurring in my life. It may be helpful to you as well to "plot your progress" along with me as we work "through the process" of "Singing a New Song".

We have often heard the saying "It is IN PROCESS" meaning that it, whatever "it" is, has started but is not yet completed. It is somewhere "in the process". I often ask on the Singing A New Song Facebook page and our blog at this site, the same question over and over again.

WHERE are YOU in the process of healing from abuse? 

Have you begun to find yourself?

 Are you struggling with healing from abuse? 

Are you thinking about learning to dream again? 

Do you feel a different life within you from the one you are living in "reality" and perhaps, it is a "new song" that is being written within your soul...can you hear it??? Hum along. Is it a jazzy little upbeat number, a bit on the happy side or is it a spicy, exciting adventurous or mysterious tune that intrigues and entices you to dance a bit? Maybe it is a beautifully soothing instrumental meditative melody that creates a blanket of comfort and a place of rest and relaxation. Perhaps...oh, we could go on and on...only YOU know what may know what "your song" sounds like...even if you are still "in the process" of "Singing a New Song". It is there. You will find it. It WILL be glorious!!!

My song has always been a "declaration of freedom" and a spunky and gutsy "free to be me" anthem sung full voice, with color, confidence and clarity. Some times, it has softened to a love song...a longing to "do what I love" and to fully embrace all the beauty around me and even an encouragement to create more beauty outwardly that I see within.

No matter WHERE you are in the process, it is MOST IMPORTANT that you become aware of your process of living. What area of life are you wanting to start spending more time and effort into developing and enjoying???

If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
     You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
     You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
     You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".

Where ever you are...don't judge yourself in how you got there. We have all gotten to the same place where you are right now by just being human. By trying to survive. By trying to love. By being hurt and hopeful and disappointed.

You are NOT alone. You are not a loser. You are WORTH all the effort that you can give and a good counselor could invest, into "find yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

If you don't know where to start on your healing journey, START by believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...
because you are!!!

Acceptance is not denial

I truly believe that we CAN 

make the best of what we have 

but we should NOT 

DENY WHAT IT IS NOT 

if "what it is NOT" 

is what we really want.  

I married my first christian husband after the horrid separation from my first love. I tried hard to see how our relationship "was" and I KNEW what "he was not". Even being "on the rebound" I did not try to compare him with my first love. I had already woefully knew that he was NOTHING like my first love. 

Upon the eve of our wedding, I "had a talk" to myself. I "spoke it aloud" in my mind that "I know he is a "good man", a friend, we have a lot in common, we both love music BUT I KNOW that he will NEVER be able to intellectually stimulate me as my first love had." With a sigh, I turned to his mother who had heard my sigh and asked her "WHY am I marrying your son?" and she replied "Because you LOOOOOOVE him". Even this comment brought questions to my mind. I had accepted him for what he WAS NOT but my heart STILL LOVED my first love for all that HE was and I could not have. 

In my second marriage to another "christian man", so I deeply belioeved that my happiness would require another christian marriage...Of course HOW could I be happy with an husband who did not believe as I did about God and the Universe? I was IN DENIAL that anyone who called themselves a christian could be abusive!!! I was SO WRONG in believing and trusting that just because I was "taught" to trust a christian, that a christian could NEVER abuse or disrespect me. My second husband did that and more. In many ways, he behaved as what most might expect a "heathen", Agnostic or Atheist to behave toward a woman...

I was NOT seeing "what was" 

but "what I wanted to see

and THAT 

is what perpetuated the abuse in my life.

I have shared my journey with you with the hope that it will ENCOURAGE you to more easily ACCEPT what you have allowed in your life; CALL ABUSE WHAT IT IS...ABUSE and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again"...I DID and I really hope that you will also.

Sending LOVE and healing thoughts your way,

D

DENIAL...roadblock to healing from abuse

Healing from ABUSE is like treating a burn on your hand. We have been burnt (directly by the act of abuse) and the FIRST thing that we need to do is STOP the burning. 


As an example, when our hand gets too close to the hot flame of the stove, WE NEED to (instinctively) PULL OUR HAND away from the flame. We all might have experienced the real pain of a burn whether it was caused by fire, flame, coil, conduction or steam. It HURTS! It does not take much for us to FEEL it and suffer the aftermath of a burn.However, sometimes in abusive situations we may not recognize the pain to be as great and as damaging as it truly is. 

It is okay to yearn to be loved

As abuse survivors, we are most often SO hard on OURSELVES. We accept the weaknesses of others, allowing them to say hateful words and showing themselves to be unloving toward us. We are confused and TRY to make arguments that we are blamed for; make sense. We TRY to not do or say those things that seem to set off our loved one. They do not like for us to see them as being emotionally destructive or damaged but in all likelihood, a person who is unloving and SAYS that they love, is at least, self-deceived. We try to figure out "what we did wrong" when actually we are just loving them in our way. We are loving THEM at their worst. We may have learned or hoped that IF we love, we will be loved in return. This is not true with an emotionally damaged person who is abusive to us. They may deny that they have any problem in dealing (or loving) us. They may say that WE are crazy and need to be evaluated. They run from intimacy and fear abandonment but say that we are the ones who starts ALL the fights and we are ALWAYS wrong. These are behaviors that become known as ABUSE.

Are you happy?

Change. 

It is a hard thing to face. 

It can come to us simply disguised as a very simple question like 

"Are you happy?". 

If we are very honest with ourselves, 

and truly, we truly need to be totally honest with ourselves,

we will face the fears of knowing the truth, we will survive it,

and then we will have the single most powerful weapon in the universe, 

Truth. The most needed element of happiness.

Finding our inner selves

The process of healing from abuse or tragedy has been described as a struggle for life, similar to the caterpillar's metamorphic emergence as a butterfly from a cocoon. For myself, I can relate to this "new life" as being a bit strange, unfamiliar and even scary. My focus had been on running away from abuse, denying the abuse and my self in order to live and grow through it. I had to "find me" before my healing began and that is while I was still living with and in the constant presence of abuse.

Once I was OUT of the abuse and begin to heal, I experienced the "shedding of the old skin" much like the picture represents. With each peel, I could feel old expectations and disappointments leave me. I sensed, as if for the first time, a cool breeze or breath of HOPE across my face. Fresh air and a renewed vision for my life. I learned that my new life had been INSIDE ME all along and could only come out when I truly felt that it would be safe for me to reveal myself...to myself.

The hump of healing; getting past DENIAL

Have you ever refused to admit that a situation was as really as bad as it seemed? Haven't you "made excuses" for others behavior that bordered abuse? In the midst of trying to understand and make allowances in order to "get along" with personality disordered person (may also be an abuser) I have been the one who has been accused of "side arm psychology". I chose to try to see the underlying reasons for abuse.

"I didn't understand that I didn't understand,
UNTIL I understood"

I have actually been meditating, thinking, analyzing and hoping to find our I made progress through the process of healing from abuse. The first thing that I realized was needed, ONCE I HAD THE EPIPHANY, was that I HAD BEEN IN DENIAL. It is my "I didn't understand that I didn't understand, UNTIL I understood". When we are DEEP in denial, a defense mechanism that is used to help us survive actually can turn into the weapon used against us in our healing from the abuse that initiated it. I DENIED that what I was experiencing could have been abuse. I was "not being abuse". I had a "difficult or needy partner" but I was "not being abused". I would "not allow others to be treat me that way". All of this self-talk was DENIAL. I would not admit to myself that I was married to an ABUSIVE MAN who called himself a christian. I was not married to a christian man with "abuse problems". I had told him time and time again to STOP and he totally denied the possibility of ever being abusive toward me; even unintentionally. He was also a liar and turned into a bigamist. I was not the only one he had lied to. I also was in denial and under the belief that I had "no right" to leave him that since I was a christian, nor could I leave the abuse.

Part 2: Healing from Emotional Abuse

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

Here is Part Two of a three post series:

HEALING FROM ABUSE

I may not be formally educated and may never feel that I am qualified to give advice on HOW to heal from abuse. I have learned so much through the school of life that I feel more than qualified to share the progress that I have made on my healing journey from abuse.

I would like to add that I have learned that healing is a process; as with the proverbial peeling of an onion, each layer may cause tears but as we peel each layer away, we get closer to the "sweet spot" of the onion; a place where HEALING is.

Healing from abuse:

Learning to live after abuse

Stages of Healing

Starting over...again.

Practising good self care

Find your own voice and sing your heart song

The Power of NO

Out of the Abundance of the Heart 

Real life healing from abuse

New-Years Resolutions for abuse survivors

Living again

I love life but there have been many times in my life that I did NOT feel loved. I was being abused. I have been writing this blog from a the perspective of a "nearly fully healed" mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  
I have challenged myself to find myself, heal from abuse and dare to dream again. This blog has been part of my healing journey and I hope to "pay back" many who have helped me along the way and "pay forward" to reach out to others who have found themselves in the same place I had. 

I can relate to your pain and fear in facing the extremely difficult obstacle of denial. I had to accept many new and unwelcome things about myself before I could realize that I was living in an abusive relationship. I had a more difficult decision to make regarding HOW I would extricate myself from an abusive marriage; it just wasn't a simple task. It was scary. When we are psychically and emotionally hurt from attacks on our self esteem, especially by those who are supposed to be loving us, it can nearly destroy who we are. We can LOSE ourselves. We then are afflicted with our own negative self-talk and may try to find our way out of the pain of living a life with no happiness or resolve. We just try to find the strength and stamina to face another day with seemingly very little accomplished toward healing and living a healthy life. But through ALL of this, I have learned to HOLD ONTO HOPE that things WILL get better...and for me, they did.

Finding me was the first step to healing from abuse 

which is necessary to learn to dream again...

you can do it too.

I have been OUT of an abusive marriage for almost two years. I have found that I had been able to do many instinctively good things for myself and bravely faced the truth of the denial that I was being abused by a christian no less. I accepted the truth as I understood it and started taking care of myself; thinking that those who abuse us will NOT be taking care of us; but only using us to take care of themselves. I realized that I had been abused and carried within my mind, heart and soul, the pain and damage that abuse wields.

When I began to say NO to abuse, 

say YES to me 

I felt free to DREAM AGAIN...

Are you being abused?

Based on the "Power and Control Wheel"

Developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

202 East Superior Street Duluth

Minnesota 55802 USA

If we will allow ourselves to see abuse for what it is and learn to recognize the different forms of abuse, we CAN free ourselves from abuse and begin healing from its damage. If you are feeling controlled by a loved one or feel that they have "power over" you in certain areas, take a moment to identify their behaviors using the above wheel and determine how they may be abusive and harmful to you.

If you don't have anyone you feel that you can safely talk to about this issue; call your local domestic violence shelter to speak to a counselor. There are many ways to escape abuse but we must FIRST be able to see it as abuse and "SAY NO" to it by getting help.

I have called a domestic shelter and I spoke to a very kind young lady counselor about a sexual abuse issue that I did not pursue as it did not occur a second time with my ex husband. I had also called a suicide hotline for help for myself. I had called a battered women's shelter several times for domestic (emotional) violence and threats of personal harm from an adult child of my ex husband. All of these are the FIRST STEP in healing from abuse.

There is NO shame in calling for help...please treat yourself with the respect you deserve and call out for help today if you are in any of the above situations.
You are NOT alone.

Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars

It may sound like a teenager's whine when actually it can be a cry of a controlled and abused heart of a woman in a domestic abusive marriage.

I was told "who" and "what" I was, defined by another person's words, as well as "what I thought" and "what I was going to do". When looking from the outside into a marriage like this, it would probably be viewed by one counselor when he asked me, "YOU are telling me that THIS is your marriage?".  What an eye opener.  


If you feel that you are currently IN an abusive relationship; I have to tell you that THERE IS HOPE of being free from it. I am PROOF. I was demeaned, discounted, controlled and brain washed into thinking that I "couldn't make it" without him. I felt so hopeless that my life could ever change that I thought I might never "make it on my own".  But somehow, that is EXACTLY what I did. It didn't happen in one day; actually it took YEARS of soul searching, introspection and personal scrutiny and analysis before I began to recognize the abuse for what it was. I had to overcome my denial that "my marriage" could be healed before I could even consider being free from abuse..

Finding parts of our "lost" selves; regaining the truth

Abuse can produce selective memory and we may even forget who we are and what we deserve. We cling to dreams of "what we want" so much that we do not realize that we deserve to have SO MUCH more than what we are left settling for. We really deserve to have ourselves after the abuse is gone.

Part of "finding myself" was really discovering WHO I WAS and WHAT I DESERVED. When I was separated from my first husband, I heard a voice from Heaven say "don't tell him what you WANT, tell him what you see". I did just that. If I had told him "what I had wanted", he might have felt obligated to "be a good guy" or to "prove that I was wrong in how I saw him and his treatment of me" as well as "denying his addictive behavior". I did not tell him what I wanted; what I wanted did not matter at that moment. I needed to see the truth and KNOW the kind of man and relationship that I had committed myself. I deserved to know the truth; even though the truth hurts. I also believe that the truth heals.