Reflecting beauty, mirroring pain

Autumn inspires me. Whenever I feel a need for a glimpse or "pinch" of inspiration, a beautiful Autumn scene always seems to spark something within me. I remember spending hours upon hours among the fragrant, crackling leaves underneath my foot step. The smell of the leaves and the crispness of the air, invigorates me. 

As I looked at this beautiful scene; a photograph taken by a very talented photographer, obviously, but sadly was not credited with the display, I was overwhelmed with the reflection of the beauty so magically caught in this image. I began to meditate that OUR beauty is also reflected; maybe we are just as unaware of revealing it to the world as these gorgeous leaved trees. Wonderfully, I seem to sense that the reflection enhances the color; not detract from it. 

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

But you are eternity and your are the mirror.

~ Kahlil Gibran(1883 - 1931) ~

After reveling in the sublime beauty of this image and its dramatic reflection, I turned my focus inwardly. I asked myself, "I wonder if my ugliness is magnified or reflected in my life in the same way that my beauty is shown to the world." The thought horrified me for a moment until I realized that it might only be the ugliness that I was not aware of;  or that I was not willing to face. Maybe the only ugliness that would be so boldly presented to the world would be the PAIN and ugliness that I chose to deny. I can see that whenever I may have chosen to live in delusion as "not having a problem" or refused to face the reality of abuse; that I was really trying to "hide from my pain" and keep it hidden from myself, that maybe it was not hidden from the world.

Gazing back upon the reflection of beauty of this image, although it truly is much more pleasant to gaze upon, maybe we can see the beauty as being reflected as a "reward" of sorts for the hard work of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". Then just maybe, we won't ever have to worry about any "hidden pain" and can look forward to seeing ourselves; our true selves, as beautiful as what we were truly meant to be. 

We CAN "let go" and still hold onto ourselves

Photo: Scott Wright Photography

"We must be willing to let go 

of the life we planned 

so as to have the life 

that is waiting for us"

~ Joseph Campbell ~

Have you ever "clung onto" pain, hurt, regret, sorrow, grief and a myriad of other confusing and frustrating emotional states longer than you really needed in order to "heal and move on?" I think we all have done this. We tend to hold onto the familiar because the dreams that we have held deep within our hearts seem too far away. We are afraid of change. We are needing to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". We are not alone.

I was well into my late 20s before I realized that I had been abused; emotionally and physically by my father. I had always yearned to have a "daddy" like my school girlfriends but knew that I did not have one. I had a father. One who went about his life; even neglecting his own children. Being a middle child, I naturally withdrew into my own world and being an introvert on top of it, I retreated into my own imagination and thoughts. I became a singer, writer, song writer and "philosopher" of sorts; all because I had to let go of the dreams of wanting a "normal and healthy" family life and sought to find my own instead.

Sometimes we are disappointed by life's circumstances as they are thrust upon us so cruelly. Abuse, neglect and betrayal are just a few that we face, have to deal with and heal from in order to hear the song of hope and courage within our hearts; to "sing a new song". We all face these things but we may not deal with them in the most healthy ways. I have sought to FACE my life, my hurts, my pains as well as my joys and successes. Being empathetic and compassionate to others, I can see the hurt in other's hearts and minds. It is in these times, that I realize that I had to "let go" of what I thought life "should be like" for myself and others and just learn to ACCEPT LIFE as it is. This has made my life much more interesting, healthy and happy even.

I believe in healing wounds, second chances and dreams coming true. It hurts neither myself or others to believe this and only aids me in helping others find the healing path that I have found. It is a healing journey of self-awareness, self-acceptance and truth. It is not the life that I had sought to find because I had not been aware of it. 

I didn't understand

that I didn't understand

until I understood.

~ DER, Singing a New Song~

Another thing that I "did not understand" was mental illness; some are now calling it "behavioral illness" and it certainly is a dis-ease of a person's behavior and those who experience thus behavior can easily detect the "disconnect" between their loved ones hearts and minds as well as between each person involved. Mental illness is something that we MUST accept as a reality. It exists. It is insidious. It can ruin lives and loves. 

May I encourage you today to "study yourself"...what kind of person are you? What are your dreams? What is deep within your heart that you have never told another soul and what would you truly LOVE to share with someone, anyone who you could trust? Has mental illness of a loved one or even yourself, "held you back" from venturing into the "wonderful world of you"?  I know that mental illness does NOT make anyone "bad" or "less worthy" of love, respect, joy and LIFE. But if you know of someone who suffers from it and may even be the "one" who suffers with them, you are NOT alone. LET GO of the "life that you had planned", radically accept (check out radical acceptance ) the "life" that you may be living and a loved one may have been suffering through and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Though you may have seen "your dream" fail for whatever reason, that does not mean that you can't find a new one. If you are reading this, you are already seeking MORE from life; you KNOW that you have a dream deep within you that is just waiting to be brought out "into the light" (Love (poem) by Roy Croft ) and LIVED out. 

Just believe that "YOU ARE WORTH IT", because you are and you can start on your healing journey.

Holding onto yourself

We deserve MORE in life than just "holding on".

I have often wondered, as an abuse survivor and person who is "finding herself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", if I spend MORE energy "just holding onto me" than actually living my life. Do I spend more time in connecting with my thoughts and my self out of fear of losing them again?  

I am thankful for the introspective times that I can more easily focus on what is going on inside of myself when it seems like much going on outside is shaky and uncertain. I love knowing that I can turn inward for stability and do not require that which may "not be able" to be stable, to be stable for me. This is a "secret" of surviving abuse. Not expecting or requiring anyone to "be" any certain way for us. Like unreciprocated love, we "love" but if we expect someone who does not love themselves, to love us, then our expectation will bring us times of sadness, loss and sorrow. 

A big part of "holding onto myself" has always been positive self-talk or affirmations. For me, it has always been more "clarifying" and "stating the truth" to myself more than trying to guide my thoughts as a diversion or to "more positive" thoughts. Some things that we experience in live, no matter how unpleasant, need to be seen in truth and not "covered over" with a positive thought or spin. 

Is it healthy to "hold onto yourself"? I think so. I think that it may be part of our "finding ourselves" or "healing from abuse" parts of our healing journey. Once we make it through those healing phases and move into "learning to dream again", I have found that I "needed to hold onto me" less and less because I was NOT disconnected from myself and had coped with the abusive techniques by abusers to TRY to "get me away from myself". Once we get through "just surviving" mode, we have learned healthy coping mechanisms and clean boundaries so that we can NOW focus on more creative endeavors and ambitions. As a singer/songwriter, it has surprised me that at times of great stress, I was actually MORE active in my song writing. Many times, I had found that I had less energy to be creative and holding onto myself took much of my creative energy so I could "just survive". 

Do we "hold onto ourselves" because of fear of "losing ourselves again"? Maybe. But since we had felt the "loss" of ourselves and the pain and damage of abuse, who would want to live through that again? When we come to realize that we are "holding onto ourselves" we are finally realizing our worth and value. We know that we are permitted and have every right to protect and "grow" ourselves.

Wherever we are "in the process", let's remember that it is OUR LIFE and that whatever we need to learn, where ever we "are" on our healing journey, we owe it to ourselves to be patient and compassionate with ourselves. ♥

We really are worth it!!! ♥

(See more encouraging messages and thoughts on 
Facebook at  ♪ Singing a New Song ♪ )

Nothing is impossible

It seems ludicrous doesn't it? Imagine a butterfly which weighs a fraction of an ounce (maybe not a gram of weight) trying to pull a pound (or half a kilogram) weighted rock. Ridiculous. Yet, I will propose that NOTHING is impossible. OH, I am not saying that the butterfly CAN pull the rock by a string. I bet that this would certainly BE impossible; BUT it is NOT impossible for the butterfly to free herself. Letting go of the weight that is tying her down. She doesn't HAVE TO pull the rock with her. Like abuse, if we can let go of the weight of abuse, then we can learn to fly again.


If our butterfly could grow muscles from the pulling of the rock, we could imagine that she will have become stronger and then if she were presented with a similar but less weighty object the next time, then perhaps, just perhaps...who knows what might happen. She just might be able to pull that rock along...or better yet, snap the string that binds her to the abuse...set herself free and "find herself", "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again".



When we find ourselves in an abusive situation; we can VALIDATE ourselves and EVALUATE the situation and then ask ourselves "are we the butterfly who will be set free?" or will we continue to allow the rock to hold us down?
We have a choice...WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

Living again

I love life but there have been many times in my life that I did NOT feel loved. I was being abused. I have been writing this blog from a the perspective of a "nearly fully healed" mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  
I have challenged myself to find myself, heal from abuse and dare to dream again. This blog has been part of my healing journey and I hope to "pay back" many who have helped me along the way and "pay forward" to reach out to others who have found themselves in the same place I had. 

I can relate to your pain and fear in facing the extremely difficult obstacle of denial. I had to accept many new and unwelcome things about myself before I could realize that I was living in an abusive relationship. I had a more difficult decision to make regarding HOW I would extricate myself from an abusive marriage; it just wasn't a simple task. It was scary. When we are psychically and emotionally hurt from attacks on our self esteem, especially by those who are supposed to be loving us, it can nearly destroy who we are. We can LOSE ourselves. We then are afflicted with our own negative self-talk and may try to find our way out of the pain of living a life with no happiness or resolve. We just try to find the strength and stamina to face another day with seemingly very little accomplished toward healing and living a healthy life. But through ALL of this, I have learned to HOLD ONTO HOPE that things WILL get better...and for me, they did.

Finding me was the first step to healing from abuse 

which is necessary to learn to dream again...

you can do it too.

I have been OUT of an abusive marriage for almost two years. I have found that I had been able to do many instinctively good things for myself and bravely faced the truth of the denial that I was being abused by a christian no less. I accepted the truth as I understood it and started taking care of myself; thinking that those who abuse us will NOT be taking care of us; but only using us to take care of themselves. I realized that I had been abused and carried within my mind, heart and soul, the pain and damage that abuse wields.

When I began to say NO to abuse, 

say YES to me 

I felt free to DREAM AGAIN...

Struggling through healing toward passion and creativity

It is called by many names, "dry period", "writer's block", "the blues" or the "doldrums", but anyway you label it, abuse and life's hard lessons have a way of sucking the creative energy out of us. I believe it is then that "need to refresh our passion" for life and whatever in life brings us joy. A "change of scene" or focus or paradigm shift may be the "jump start" that our creativity needs to thrive. Some say that we can "fake it til we make it" but I just have to believe in myself even when I feel lacking in hope and inspiration. I believe that merely acknowledging to ourselves that life has more purposelessness moments than not, is ENOUGH to throw us into the pit of despair and the dry well of mere existence. WE DO NOT need to accept mere existence as our "life"...we CAN hope and HAVE much more!

Our self esteem is so closely tied to our creative expression that any threat or damage due to abuse can totally disable our ability and even desire to express ourselves. We deserve to BE CREATIVE and enjoy life and everything that brings us joy; why have we allowed other's mistreatment and abuse toward us destroy or cripple the wonderful artistic beauty that we hold within us all? We did not consciously "allow" anyone to abuse us but due to many familiar influences and personality and mental processes, we "thought" that the treatment of a spouse, loved one or friend was "normal". We lived with abuse for SO LONG that we do not know what normal is any more. We are either in jeopardy of  losing our life's focus and sense of individuality and purpose or we may have already "lost ourselves".  I have found that one way to "find ourselves" is to search for the creative energy within us and encourage it to thrive IN SPITE of anyone else's opinion. We need to learn to VALIDATE ourselves because those in our lives, whom we have trusted with "ourselves" have failed to provide the validation, safety and nurture that all persons require and deserve.

When "the blues" hit you next time; see it as an OPPORTUNITY to invest in yourself. See it as a "red flag" or warning that there is a "breach in security" and that the wonderful person that you are and all you hold in your heart is in peril! EMBRACE the joy within you and RUN WITH IT...grab a hold of yourself and don't let go. 

Don't fool yourself

Youtube link to Fooling yourself by Styx

 

Fooling Yourself 

       by Styx

 

Relax.. Take it easy...

You see the world through your cynical eyes
You're a troubled young man I can tell
You've got it all in the palm of your hand
But your hand's wet with sweat
And your head needs a rest


And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're kidding yourself if you don't believe it.

Why must you be such an angry young man
When your future looks quite bright to me?
And how can there be such a sinister plan
That could hide such a lamb
Such a caring young man

And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it

Get up, (get up!) get back on your feet
You're the one they can't beat and you know it
Come on (come on!) let's see what you've got
Just take your best shot and don't blow it.
Ohhh....."

And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it

Starting on the inside...

 

It is NOT uncommon to expect and receive
kindness or respect from others; except when 

you're in relationship with an abusive person. 

We look on the outside of ourselves to
find validation, praise and encouragement and we may find it in some places, but we are not likely to find them in a domestically abusive relationship. 

We usually can trust another person to not harm us, 

to wish us well and to hope for the best for us; unless we are married to or in relationship with an abuser. 

In an abusive relationship; 
the things that should be healthy, are not.

I knew I was "in here somewhere".

 Chipping away until you "find You"

    

When they asked Michelangelo how he made his statue of David he is reported to have said,  

"It is easy. You just chip away the stone that doesn't look like David." ~Michaelangelo

 

We are the Sculptor and David is our life that we are "chipping away" to find and to "draw out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else has looked quite far enough to find". Love by Roy Croft

The process of "finding me" has been very much like the "chipping away"  of the outer, unnecessary, cumbersome pieces of rock and debris of a sculptor's chisel in order to uncover and DISCOVER the "real me" that has been hidden.

At times I had to "chip away" at unhealthy relationships; ones where my boundaries were violated and 

“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this - you haven't.” ― ---------- Thomas A. Edison

I love this; "when you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this- you haven't"...
leave it up to Thomas A. Edison to leave us with another wonderful truism. Of all people, he would have truly known this. He created THOUSANDS of wonderful, life-changing inventions and realized that UNTIL he succeeded; failure was just another attempt to show him how it was NOT to be done.

"The Future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" Eleanor Roosevelt

The end of 2011 is quickly approaching. Isn't it strange, when we stop to look at it,we may be actually looking forward to the end only to start a new beginning? As some have said, we could "wish our lives away" if we are not careful. Do we REALLY have to wait for our future to arrive before we can believe in our dreams? I know through personal experience that we do NOT have to "just hope" anymore.