Peaceful tidings...

Sometimes our peace comes NOT from getting along with a difficult person,
but learning to get along without them.
~Singing A New Song~

PEACE.

Isn't that all that any abuse survivor really wants in life only to find that like the elusive butterfly always seems to be just slightly outside of our grasp? We run AFTER peace but rarely slow down enough to find that PEACE can only be found within ourselves...this is a hard concept to visualize and accept for an abuse survivor whether we are still with our abuser, have left and have begun our healing journey or are still walking the healing journey after many years of solitude. I know that I expected peace to "come from" the person I love rather than create it myself. I was confused with peace and love. LOVE is given and received, PEACE just "is". 

One thing we MUST remember is that "NO ONE CAN GIVE US PEACE"...once we accept this fact, believe it in our hearts and ACT UPON IT by investing time and taking good care of ourselves, we are no longer chasing it, but it comes to us. 

This holiday season brings hope of peace...but we may not see or feel it. We KNOW that this "should be" a peaceful and loving time; time with family and friends, joyous celebrations with gift giving, bright lights and tasty treats to share with laughter and relaxation...but it may not feel that way for us. We may be struggling to try to "have peace" in an UNPEACEFUL situation...but the good news is WE CAN HAVE PEACE WITHIN US no matter what is happening in our lives outwardly. Abusers will abuse, many of them, possibly mentally ill rather than evil per se, "do not know what they are doing" when they treat us so disrespectfully and they have NO CLUE as to how hard WE ARE TRYING TO STAY WITH THEM in spite of their verbal and emotional abuse. (if you are experiencing physical or extreme mental abuse which may result in physical harm to yourself, please reconsider how hard you TRY to stay with them, you deserve to be treated kindly and be SAFE in your home.) There seems to be very little peace in an abusive home. But we CAN have peace within ourselves and THAT is the good news about this season. It reminds us the PEACE can be found...and no matter what you are dealing with this holiday season, remember one thing...YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please take good care of yourself, be patient and compassionate. Set healthy and much needed boundaries and ENJOY THE LIFE that YOU want to live even if you don't see it that way in your household. Play music. Watch your favorite movie. Call a friend or family member. If you are impeded from doing the things that you NEED and LOVE, you are probably being abused. PLEASE take this as a challenge to care for yourself...YOU really are worth it.

I bid you good tiding of GREAT JOY and PEACE...now and for the rest of your life.

Merry Christmas and a VERY Happy New Year 2013.

Don't feed the monster...say NO to abuse!

Don't feed the monster  
(Posted from "How I survived" page)

Among my many studies of verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting and covert religious abuse, physical and sexual abuse and the healing of a woman's heart from these abuses; I have found a secret. Love yourself MORE and SAY NO to abuse. 

It sounds too simple I know but I know that I survived and healed from abuse because I began to see that I was worth it; I did not just think that I deserved to be loved, I believed that I was NOT being loved and being abused in its place. I realized that I wanted to be loved for who I am and NOT be used and abused by an abuser. I had to "see me" for who I really was. I had to acknowledge all the weaknesses in me and accept them. I lovingly embraced "me" and spoke gently and kindly to myself about my life and what I really wanted. I "had a talk" to myself about what I had allowed in my life and discussed the reasons why I had allowed abuse in my life. I had to intelligently, not emotionally evaluate what I believed to be true for my life and the parameters of faith that I realized that held me bound to a monster for nearly 11 years. I did not realize what I had allowed to be done to me until I accepted that I was experiencing abuse. No one deserves to be abused.


Saying NO to abuse was a very long and arduous task. I remember say "no" for the first time and getting thrown back with the backlash of anger for having "put up a boundary". I was told that I did not have the right to "put up boundaries in marriage". I knew that I had the right to say NO. I had to learn that each NO was mine and I had the right to say it. I learned that WITH each no, there WOULD BE repercussions and retribution by my ex husband/abuser. I accepted MY RIGHT to say no and the right of another to abuse and disrespect my no but I did NOT have to accept the continual abuse that ensued. I learned that each "NO" made me stronger. I could say "NO" more easily, expect the negative reaction/abuse toward it and laughingly realize that this seemed nothing more than a game of "whose right is it, any ways"...and I WAS RIGHT for SAYING NO to abuse!

As time went on, I felt stronger and more resolute in each "NO"...I even got to the point of not even having to say no. I just DIDN'T do or think what my abuser demanded of me. I didn't reply. This is referred to as "detachment" and this is what infuriates an abuser. If we do not "engage" with them in their "little play", then they do not have anyone to abuse. It doesn't mean that they won't text, email, leave voice mails, lie to the children or neighbors or family members; many abusers continue to "try to get to us" ANY WAY they can. I HAVE REFUSED TO ALLOW MY ABUSER ENTRANCE INTO MY LIFE. Of course, I have a child with him and he calls to speak with him and sends mail and text messages, but I AM NOT ACTIVELY EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED OR ATTACHED to what he does or says or tries to insinuate about me; the only reason for his contact with me is his son and THAT is the ONLY reason that I will respond at all...

There is a helpful mnemonic device regarding HOW we can speak to abusers with detachment to avoid as much engagement as possible.

 
BIFF  
(when communicating in high conflict situations)

The process of healing

I would like to share a little of how I have personally "found myself, healed from abuse and learned to dream again". I believe that WE ALL have had abuse in our lives; in some forms. Some have had abuse in much more physical and violent forms, while others may have had more of the mind-bending, soul-crushing, heart-wrenching verbal and emotional abuse, usually brought on by a relationship with a mentally ill or unhealed abused person.




I would like to share a little bit about "FINDING YOURSELF"... it seems to be such a silly concept. HOW can a person LOSE themselves? Yet, that is what many women especially, have stated regarding how they have felt during or after having gone through abuse. We feel that part of ourselves, at least, has been damaged or "lost". How do we RECONNECT again with our damaged selves? Where do we begin and how do we even START this healing journey?  I have found myself in the things that I love...like Rumi said so eloquently "Let the beauty of what you love, be what you do". This has been my life's motto...and I believe that it has brought me "back to myself" and all the wonderful things that make me, ME. 

The second focus is the PROCESS of "HEALING FROM ABUSE"...it seems to take a lifetime to REALIZE that we have been abused, then we must spend much introspection and gain valuable feedback from trusted others as to how it has affected our lives and behavior toward others before we may see how it has damaged us before we can even begin walking on the healing journey. As an introspective woman to begin with, (I had always thought of myself as an extrovert but this is NOT and has NOT been the case, a revelation and epiphany for me about ME!!!), I have always had a very deep and wonderful "inner life"...this is what I encourage YOU and all those who have been abused to seek...SEEK yourself. KNOW yourself...FIND YOURSELF...then love and accept yourself and walk along others on the healing journey. I allowed myself to use anti-depressants when I needed them (limited use but others may find that a more long term administration necessary) and I have been "in (and out) of counseling" for many life stresses and disappointments. I have turned to understanding myself and my life's situation through job change, step-parenting, parental alienation, spouse with addiction and a spouse with mental illness which resulted in much mental and emotional abuse as well as "going through the healing process" while "undergoing counseling"...it actually is no more than being willing to "SEE THE REAL YOU...all warts and all". 

The third major focus is "LEARNING TO DREAM AGAIN". This is so vital to our living. How can we live without having a dream??? I don't know. I do know that when we are being abused, it feels that our dreams are FAR TOO FAR AWAY to think about and comfort us and may even "be gone" as to never have the hope of seeing them come to pass in our lives. This is the epitome of hopelessness and this is exactly what we do NOT want in our lives; it brings with it all the negative aspects of personhood and life and reinforces how we feel rather than HOW WE CAN FEEL and DREAM again. I chose to "dream again" when I was separated from an abusive husband. I longed for my first love and chose to not live my life without reconnecting with him to see if what we HAD was real. I needed to know. I sought and found and regained that once precious and lost love. My dream had come true...and so can yours.

Let us walk along side you; wherever you are on your journey of life and self-discovery. 

YOU really are WORTH IT!!!

Between Seasons

Why does "this time of year" seem to be so hard for many people; especially those who experience loss, grief and on the healing journey from abuse?

1) The change of seasons create a CHANGE in our bodies and minds: our metabolism; heat making and heat distribution, carbohydrate metabolism and appetite and desires for more carbohydrate rich foods change slowely but surely. We seek "comfort foods", hot beverages and starches that "make us feel better" and raise our serotonin levels which are quickly depleted by decreased sunlight. So there are many physical and physiological as well as psychological reasons for the increeased stress at the "change of seasons"...especially from Autumn to Winter. 

2) The visual stimuli can become depressing as once colorful leaves turn brown and fall to the ground leaving bare trees. VISUALLY, we see change as a negative and even "dying".  

3) I have found it to be true for myself and so many others, that once memorable holidays with loved ones; bring the reality of LOSS and GRIEF as our loved ones who once gathered around the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve Dinner tables and are no longer with us.  

So for all of us- Those of us who are healing from abuse, those dealing with the loss and pain of grief from a loved one who is no longer with us or those who physically feel significant symptoms of depression (SAD) from Seasonal Affective Disorder from decreased sunlight or may be even few, hopefully, who are dealing with ALL of these simultaneously---THERE IS HOPE...this season WILL pass...in the meantime...

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF...YOU ARE REALLY WORTH IT!!! 

Powerful force of love

I have love. I live for love. 

I feel and enjoy love daily and I allow love to empower me through many hard and dark times.

Love is the driving force and main sustainer 

of my life. 

I have done many studies on personality styles and how we develop habits and learn about ourselves and I realize that not everyone has "an inner world" that I seem to have. It is a secret place of SOLID confidence and trust. No one can penetrate it unless I allow them to do so. And once they have been denied entrance due to abuse and distrust, they may NEVER be allowed back and that is not a concern of mine. This confidence, deriving from a deep LOVE is what has sustained me through abuse. It gives me the freedom to "move on" and detach from the behavior and verbal abuse of a loved one; much to their chagrin. It is a powerful force that I will not allow anyone to control. 

What is a woman's greatest defense against abuse? Love for herself. You are worth it!!! 

Freedom. Will we EVER know it?

Haven't we all tried thought that "if we were just out of an abusive relationship" that life would be wonderful and that "everything would be fine" only to find it NOT to be the case.

I know that I have expected to feel like a bird flying out of a cage that had imprisoned it only to find that I had taken the damage of abuse with me. My cage might have gotten bigger, but until I was "on the healing journey", though I was "out of the cage", I was still imprisoned by the pain and memories of abuse.

So are you OUT of that abusive relationship but STILL feeling imprisoned by the ways that abuse had damaged your self-esteem, your hope and your ambition? I understand. We do take woundedness with us unless we HEAL from the abuse which we have extricated ourselves.

That's why it is SO important to FIND OURSELVES first. We find the person who has been suppressed, oppressed and abused and FREE HER, then we start on the journey of HEALING FROM ABUSE.  This is not only a life changing but life and thought altering process that we carry throughout the rest of our lives. We gain tools and resources and skills of discernment and understanding that we would not have learned any other way. While we are walking along, knowing more and more about the wonderful person who we are, we start LEARNING TO DREAM AGAIN.  This is the part of our healing that we really have a hard time believing exists at all.

I feel like I have lost myself; I don't know myself anymore.

I don't trust anyone, I have been hurt too much. Where do I begin healing? 

How can I dream again after all that I've been through 

when I can't even believe that I deserve to live without abuse? 

The answer to these questions and SO many others lie in the courage to be honest with ourselves in the midst of feeling the deep psychic, emotional and intellectual pain from abuse.  We have to believe that the pain that we feel is greater than the pain of healing and not be afraid to learn and grow OUT of the abuse. We need to get angry enough to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" and we must constantly remember...that we need to hear... "YOU ARE WORTH IT".

Putting ourselves FIRST for a change

Life has "happened" again and I have recently lost time here at Singing A New Song. It really is so nice to see you and I am sorry that I have been away. I have been spending quite a bit of time in reading, study and DEEP introspection as well as my continued studies in order to share more about "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

At one time in my life, and for a very long time, I couldn't think of standing and looking at myself in the mirror to say "I love you and from now on I'm going to act like it". It just didn't seem REAL to me to think so positively of myself and practice what seemed to be a futile act...I don't think that way anymore.

I quickly realized 

that HOW I SAW MYSELF 

determined 

HOW MUCH HEALING 

that I could expect. 

Buying yourself flowers

I love sunflowers...If you haven't noticed love for them in this blog, you might have come to that conclusion by seeing Singing a New Song on Facebook. 

I don't hide my love for them. I really take great joy from seeing sunflowers in the field and even cut ones like in this picture. I love them so much that I have a beautiful bunch on my kitchen table right now...a bunch that I bought for myself. 

When was the last time that you bought yourself flowers?



As survivors of abuse, we hear about "taking good care of ourselves, having me time and doing something good for ourselves" as being a focus of healing...and really, it is only ONE of the needed elements of healing as well as a product of healing. 

I think of it as "picking flowers along my healing path". 

Go ahead...buy yourself some flowers today. Even if you don't feel like doing it...DO IT...
YOU REALLY ARE WORTH IT!!! 

When we grow the best

Journaling and documenting my healing journey has shown to be helpful and encouraging to others and I appreciate being able to share it with you through this blog and my Singing a New Song page on Facebook. I have been through abuse, denial, extreme emotional turmoil and painful memories and the "ascent" to a more healthy and happy life through "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".



When we are in an abusive situation, we may not even know "which direction is up" very much like a seed that is planted...really, HOW DOES the seed KNOW which way to grow???

We feel that we are being "left in the dark" regarding our situation and we "struggle to reach the light"...only to eventually find that it is the "light within" us that will guide our way OUT of an abusive relationship.



I am so very thankful to have found much help on my healing journey from abuse from many wonderful online resources and books. For me, it has been the PERSONAL and very intimate confessions of another person who has been WHERE I HAVE BEEN that has helped me the most. It may be that way for you as well...

I know that SPEAKING OUT against abuse and making my VOICE be heard has been a great part of my healing journey; I hope that it is part of yours as well. It is NEVER too late to STOP BEING ABUSED. No matter how many years you have been married. No matter how many children or if you have not worked outside the home...ever. NO ONE deserves to be abused.

I encourage you to JOURNAL about your healing journey; you may choose to write, type or creatively use an "art journal" (decoupage, collage and other mixed media) to EXPRESS YOUR SELF and see the wonderful person who is waiting to be "set free" from abuse...

Please consider THIS COMMUNITY here at @SingingANewSong (here and on Facebook)  to be your refuge from abuse, your home where you are always welcomed and loved and a place that YOU matter...YOU ARE WORTH IT...or I would NOT be here...

Sending you  LUV~N~ PEACE~HEALING!!!! 
I am "Singing a New Song" and YOU can be too!!!

Allowing myself to dream a bit...more.

I love the internet. Through many healing resources, I have "worked through" abuse issues and pain and found many ways to learn to live after experiencing abuse. I have been active on many different "forums" from anything from verbal abuse to personality disorders to personality styles and my newest "finds", Pinterest and Experience Project which have opened up possibilities for me to "plan to dream more".

Pinterest is fascinating; it is the wonderful opportunity to make "virtual collections" that you can enjoy without paying a penny for them...I have collected the HOPE diamond and the Mona Lisa. More practically, I am learning how to choose clothing and accessories to make "outfit creations" that I really like. It's a lot of fun AS WELL as being educational for me.

Experience Project has helped me as a writer, organizer and "encourager" in many ways. I have developed and am coordinating an "experience group" called "I CAN lose weight and be healthy and happy" for myself and many others who have these life goals. My reason for sharing this is to share the a question that was posted on the "QUESTION and ANSWER" section today..."What would your DREAM CAREER be?" The original poster assumed that the persons reading the question WERE NOT CURRENTLY living their "dream career" so I was intrigued and posted my answer.
Here it is:

Having written my book (which has not yet been written, in progress), 

I would like to hold seminars which include singing my own songs 

with my own band all for women who are 

"finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

I would LOVE to DO WHAT I LOVE 

(encourage others, share my victory stories and sing!!!)...

maybe someday. 

(actual answer)

To clarify my response; I am currently working on ONE book that does NOT have to do with "finding me or healing from abuse" but it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH LEARNING TO DREAM AGAIN...If it takes "dreaming" to DO WHAT I LOVE...then I am a dreamer!!!

I guess I share this with you today to OPEN UP the possibilities in YOUR LIFE to dream again. To NOT put yourself down or put those "silly notions" away. DREAM...DREAM BIG...it does not hurt anything and only makes it MORE possible for your dream to COME TRUE...I hope that this BRINGS YOU HOPE to speak out against abuse, find yourself, heal from abuse and LEARN TO DREAM AGAIN...

YOU really ARE worth it!!!!

I am worth it!!!

I have finally realized that I have not taken as good care of my body as I SHOULD have been. I know that it is certainly NOT going to last forever but I CAN help my body function better, feel better and even LOOK better through good nutrition and healthy activity.

I started a weekly workout at a local church. They called it toning but I was working up a good sweat and found that stretching my unused muscles was NOT easy, fun or very pleasant. I started aching in my muscles less than 3 hours afterward and realized that the aches meant that I had NOT worked these muscles in a LONG time.



Taking care of ourselves may mean that "some pain" will be involved. And like healing from abuse, there is pain that is very likely to rise to the surface though we can take consolation that it is more like a "growing pain" than an opened wound. We don't have to be afraid of the pain; it only aches us for a short while but the realization of the CAUSE of the pain and the remedy to encourage our healing that comes from acknowledging our pain is SO valuable...we should learn to "embrace the pain" and just see it as I am seeing my muscle aches today...it is part of my body's way of adjusting to the increase in activity and use...and I AM WORTH IT!!!

Acceptance is not denial

I truly believe that we CAN 

make the best of what we have 

but we should NOT 

DENY WHAT IT IS NOT 

if "what it is NOT" 

is what we really want.  

I married my first christian husband after the horrid separation from my first love. I tried hard to see how our relationship "was" and I KNEW what "he was not". Even being "on the rebound" I did not try to compare him with my first love. I had already woefully knew that he was NOTHING like my first love. 

Upon the eve of our wedding, I "had a talk" to myself. I "spoke it aloud" in my mind that "I know he is a "good man", a friend, we have a lot in common, we both love music BUT I KNOW that he will NEVER be able to intellectually stimulate me as my first love had." With a sigh, I turned to his mother who had heard my sigh and asked her "WHY am I marrying your son?" and she replied "Because you LOOOOOOVE him". Even this comment brought questions to my mind. I had accepted him for what he WAS NOT but my heart STILL LOVED my first love for all that HE was and I could not have. 

In my second marriage to another "christian man", so I deeply belioeved that my happiness would require another christian marriage...Of course HOW could I be happy with an husband who did not believe as I did about God and the Universe? I was IN DENIAL that anyone who called themselves a christian could be abusive!!! I was SO WRONG in believing and trusting that just because I was "taught" to trust a christian, that a christian could NEVER abuse or disrespect me. My second husband did that and more. In many ways, he behaved as what most might expect a "heathen", Agnostic or Atheist to behave toward a woman...

I was NOT seeing "what was" 

but "what I wanted to see

and THAT 

is what perpetuated the abuse in my life.

I have shared my journey with you with the hope that it will ENCOURAGE you to more easily ACCEPT what you have allowed in your life; CALL ABUSE WHAT IT IS...ABUSE and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again"...I DID and I really hope that you will also.

Sending LOVE and healing thoughts your way,

D

Trust in your OWN heart

Abuse can take many forms; one that I have found to be prevalent in religious communities as well as abusive relationships is the "tyranny of the shoulds" as other's expectations set limits upon OUR lives.

To "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" we NEED to find OUR VALUE and uplift ourselves and then the decisions that we make will be based upon OUR value and values rather than IN another person.

It is OUR life...

We have the right, power and CHOICE 

to make decisions that effect our lives positively. 

Let's not allow the "shoulds" and "should nots" of others limit our decision making and restrict our personal growth. Let's GET RID of the "shoulds", expectations and limits that others place upon our lives and learn how to HEAR OUR OWN HEARTS.



YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! 

Finding a rose among the thorns

PEACE. LOVE. JOY. HAPPINESS.

These are elusive butterflies when we are living through and trying to survive abuse. It is not our fault that we look at the rose and see only the thorns. Maybe we NEED to see the thorns. Maybe we should NOT deny that they exist and feel them daily. We realize that abuse mixes both pleasure with pain.

We feel are the pricks and pain of abuse. We doubt our own perceptions. We tell ourselves things like "why of course, it IS my fault for the way he gets angry at me, I will just try harder to BE better".  This is the deception of abuse. WE CANNOT MAKE AN ABUSER STOP ABUSING...but we CAN say "NO" to abuse that may end a relationship or marriage.

Reveling in the wonderful person that is "ME"

I have been told "You are so strong" . I may not have felt strong but I may have made a good decision, set a boundary to stop abuse or get angry and stand up for myself. I believe that the "strength" that they saw in me was just "ME being me". I learned that I could accept myself and NO LONGER DENY or discount my own feelings and thoughts but have learned to be respectful TO myself. 

This WONDERFUL POSTER from Pinterest (cannot read the creator's name) provides us one word adjectives that describes us for each letter of the alphabet. When others may not see just HOW we are healing from the damage of abuse, we can learn how to affirm ourselves and validate our own worth...

When to let go

Letting go. We have read about how we need to let go of the past to embrace our future.
Let's look more closely at what "letting go" really means.

• It is deciding (that it is time) to "say NO to abuse". It is taking a serious look at the relationship; seeing it has it has been and will  probably continue to be, abusive. 
• It means that we allow others to be as they are; we realize that we need to be true to ourselves rather than expect others to behave in ways that they may have promised. 
• It is holding onto your life and self while you feel that someone else is trying to hold onto you for their own selfish reasons and would rather hurt you than lose you. 

We need to LET GO of a relationship when we find that we are losing ourselves in it. It feels like we are slipping away and no one else cares.

We are stronger than we think...

Let's STOP and take a look at our lives for a moment. Wherever we find ourselves in whatever situations, I am sure that we would find that WE HAVE SURVIVED a lot emotionally, mentally and even physically. We have LIVE THROUGH horror. We have endured great sadness and deep sorrow of loss. Loss of dreams and hope. Loss of our selves and our future. 

BUT NOW, we can LOOK BACK and gain CONFIDENCE in our ability to survive...

Seriously, we can trust ourselves to KNOW that since we survived and come to a place in our lives where we are reaching out to be healed, that WE CAN INDEED face our healing, even if it feels a bit scary at first...We deserve to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" . When we COME TO THIS PLACE in our lives, we need to doubt ourselves...

LOOK BACK OVER WHAT YOU HAVE SURVIVED...

What really holds us back from enjoying life???

Fear. 

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unfamiliar. 

Fear of facing that there IS fear and that we are living with something in our lives, like abuse, that needs to STOP and we don't know how we can do it. 

Sometimes we CAN'T make the abuse stop but we CAN remove ourselves from it. I believe that there is ALWAYS a way; even when we do not see it or even when we are afraid to look for it.

Find YOUR SONG and sing it!!!

Singing a New Song: 

title of this blog and the passion of my life.

I have sung many "songs" in my life and feel that I have lived many"lives" through much distress and abuse. I have not known the great love and peace that many say exists but I sought after it anyways. I realized that my road of emotional, mental and spiritual healing started with "finding me"; establishing peace within myself so I could  "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again". 

DENIAL...roadblock to healing from abuse

Healing from ABUSE is like treating a burn on your hand. We have been burnt (directly by the act of abuse) and the FIRST thing that we need to do is STOP the burning. 


As an example, when our hand gets too close to the hot flame of the stove, WE NEED to (instinctively) PULL OUR HAND away from the flame. We all might have experienced the real pain of a burn whether it was caused by fire, flame, coil, conduction or steam. It HURTS! It does not take much for us to FEEL it and suffer the aftermath of a burn.However, sometimes in abusive situations we may not recognize the pain to be as great and as damaging as it truly is. 

Identifying abuse

Identifying abuse is the FIRST step in healing from its damage. If we don't know that we are being abused, we don't look for the wonderful resources that will be able to assist us on our healing journey.


"Finding myself" was the main motivation for starting this blog; to help other women (and men) who have LOST THEMSELVES in abusive relationships "find themselves", heal from abuse and learn to dream again...like I had done.

If you are feeling that life is too hard, 

that loved ones are not acting loving toward you, 

if you feel lost or hopeless 

then you might be hurting from an abusive relationship. 

Please carefully read through the characteristics 

and review the "Abuse checklist" 

at the very bottom of the page...*

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please feel free to comment on this blog; 

either on this post or contact me via email at newsong4him@hotmail.com. 

Put "singing" in the subject line. 

I would love to hear from you. 

*************************************************

It is okay to yearn to be loved

As abuse survivors, we are most often SO hard on OURSELVES. We accept the weaknesses of others, allowing them to say hateful words and showing themselves to be unloving toward us. We are confused and TRY to make arguments that we are blamed for; make sense. We TRY to not do or say those things that seem to set off our loved one. They do not like for us to see them as being emotionally destructive or damaged but in all likelihood, a person who is unloving and SAYS that they love, is at least, self-deceived. We try to figure out "what we did wrong" when actually we are just loving them in our way. We are loving THEM at their worst. We may have learned or hoped that IF we love, we will be loved in return. This is not true with an emotionally damaged person who is abusive to us. They may deny that they have any problem in dealing (or loving) us. They may say that WE are crazy and need to be evaluated. They run from intimacy and fear abandonment but say that we are the ones who starts ALL the fights and we are ALWAYS wrong. These are behaviors that become known as ABUSE.

Are you happy?

Change. 

It is a hard thing to face. 

It can come to us simply disguised as a very simple question like 

"Are you happy?". 

If we are very honest with ourselves, 

and truly, we truly need to be totally honest with ourselves,

we will face the fears of knowing the truth, we will survive it,

and then we will have the single most powerful weapon in the universe, 

Truth. The most needed element of happiness.

Nothing is impossible

It seems ludicrous doesn't it? Imagine a butterfly which weighs a fraction of an ounce (maybe not a gram of weight) trying to pull a pound (or half a kilogram) weighted rock. Ridiculous. Yet, I will propose that NOTHING is impossible. OH, I am not saying that the butterfly CAN pull the rock by a string. I bet that this would certainly BE impossible; BUT it is NOT impossible for the butterfly to free herself. Letting go of the weight that is tying her down. She doesn't HAVE TO pull the rock with her. Like abuse, if we can let go of the weight of abuse, then we can learn to fly again.


If our butterfly could grow muscles from the pulling of the rock, we could imagine that she will have become stronger and then if she were presented with a similar but less weighty object the next time, then perhaps, just perhaps...who knows what might happen. She just might be able to pull that rock along...or better yet, snap the string that binds her to the abuse...set herself free and "find herself", "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again".



When we find ourselves in an abusive situation; we can VALIDATE ourselves and EVALUATE the situation and then ask ourselves "are we the butterfly who will be set free?" or will we continue to allow the rock to hold us down?
We have a choice...WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

Authenticity

original quote by Newsong4him.blogspot.com

Authenticity truly is a "higher level" aspiration in our lives and even more so after our self-esteem has been damaged by abuse. I have found that DECLARING who I am and even stating that "and I don't care who likes it" has been like a machete in a jungle bringing clarity to my path and safety along my way. I have the right to respect myself. To love myself and to BE REAL. I have the right as a human to "be who I am" with no apologies. As the above quote says: I may reflect you but I am STILL ME...

Finding our inner selves

The process of healing from abuse or tragedy has been described as a struggle for life, similar to the caterpillar's metamorphic emergence as a butterfly from a cocoon. For myself, I can relate to this "new life" as being a bit strange, unfamiliar and even scary. My focus had been on running away from abuse, denying the abuse and my self in order to live and grow through it. I had to "find me" before my healing began and that is while I was still living with and in the constant presence of abuse.

Once I was OUT of the abuse and begin to heal, I experienced the "shedding of the old skin" much like the picture represents. With each peel, I could feel old expectations and disappointments leave me. I sensed, as if for the first time, a cool breeze or breath of HOPE across my face. Fresh air and a renewed vision for my life. I learned that my new life had been INSIDE ME all along and could only come out when I truly felt that it would be safe for me to reveal myself...to myself.

The hump of healing; getting past DENIAL

Have you ever refused to admit that a situation was as really as bad as it seemed? Haven't you "made excuses" for others behavior that bordered abuse? In the midst of trying to understand and make allowances in order to "get along" with personality disordered person (may also be an abuser) I have been the one who has been accused of "side arm psychology". I chose to try to see the underlying reasons for abuse.

"I didn't understand that I didn't understand,
UNTIL I understood"

I have actually been meditating, thinking, analyzing and hoping to find our I made progress through the process of healing from abuse. The first thing that I realized was needed, ONCE I HAD THE EPIPHANY, was that I HAD BEEN IN DENIAL. It is my "I didn't understand that I didn't understand, UNTIL I understood". When we are DEEP in denial, a defense mechanism that is used to help us survive actually can turn into the weapon used against us in our healing from the abuse that initiated it. I DENIED that what I was experiencing could have been abuse. I was "not being abuse". I had a "difficult or needy partner" but I was "not being abused". I would "not allow others to be treat me that way". All of this self-talk was DENIAL. I would not admit to myself that I was married to an ABUSIVE MAN who called himself a christian. I was not married to a christian man with "abuse problems". I had told him time and time again to STOP and he totally denied the possibility of ever being abusive toward me; even unintentionally. He was also a liar and turned into a bigamist. I was not the only one he had lied to. I also was in denial and under the belief that I had "no right" to leave him that since I was a christian, nor could I leave the abuse.

Part 2: Healing from Emotional Abuse

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

Here is Part Two of a three post series:

HEALING FROM ABUSE

I may not be formally educated and may never feel that I am qualified to give advice on HOW to heal from abuse. I have learned so much through the school of life that I feel more than qualified to share the progress that I have made on my healing journey from abuse.

I would like to add that I have learned that healing is a process; as with the proverbial peeling of an onion, each layer may cause tears but as we peel each layer away, we get closer to the "sweet spot" of the onion; a place where HEALING is.

Healing from abuse:

Learning to live after abuse

Stages of Healing

Starting over...again.

Practising good self care

Find your own voice and sing your heart song

The Power of NO

Out of the Abundance of the Heart 

Real life healing from abuse

New-Years Resolutions for abuse survivors

RePost: One of many effects of domestic abuse: Complex-PTSD

*** A VITAL RE post to bring awareness and help to those suffering damage from abuse***

The effects of abuse are vast and very obscure and even misunderstood as being symptoms of having endured disrespect and degradation by another person's words and behavior. Over a long period of time, it can manifest as Complex Post traumatic stress disorder.  This is not a gender specific disorder but one that can debilitate either a woman or a man and be symptoms of either childhood or adult abuse. I have personally endured and "tried to live with" so much more mental and verbal abuse that I would ever care to admit. At first, after leaving the abusive environment, I didn't think that I had been "mentally damaged" as much as "emotionally scarred"  by the inhuman verbal abuse and mind-bending mental drama of living with a personality disordered spouse. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD several years ago and underwent one year of therapy which helped me considerably.  

I believe now, that the extreme mental fatigue and confusion that I experienced actually minimized my ability to emotionally heal from the long term effects of abuse; leaving the symptoms of C-PTSD.





Please consider this a PSA (public service announcement). If you, yourself or a loved one has exhibited the following "symptoms", please consider practising some "good self care" and educate yourself on the effects of abuse; even behavior that you have not previously thought of as being abuse. Your mental and emotional health could depend upon it.

 This is VERBAL ABUSE

 author unknown, shared anonymously

once more your voice descending

I’m crashing to the floor

the honeymoon is ending

like so many times before


broken pieces of my heart

have fallen on the ground

from years of bad dreams coming true

of comfort never found

that girl I was at twenty

who trusted only you

bit by bit has slipped away

as the pile of pieces grew

you finally have robbed me

of the me I thought was there

I’m remade in your image

your little teddy bear

sorrow has dissolved my soul

tears have drowned my mind

pain has killed my spirit

from being kicked so many times

although you are beside me

screaming how I am wrong

your grimaces I cannot see

your rage is all but gone

I am no more, I do not fear

you shouting from above

as you drive another nail into

the coffin of my love

original author: 

Thanks for letting me share.

-c.


This poem uses imagery from books on verbal abuse written by Patricia Evans. 

SPEAK OUT!!!

Taking GOOD care of myself

I really enjoy a good cup of tea in a china cup from a china tea pot; warmed in the traditional English style. I love the scent of blossoming lilacs. I love the color purple and the scent of these beautiful flowers. 


I can more easily enjoy the SIMPLE PLEASURES IN life; what we all need to take good care of ourselves. It may take some discipline or better yet a renewed focus ON ONESELF in order to get to the place where we can enjoy the "simple pleasures" again. I am definitely a woman who believes in the Simple Joys of life and I embrace them whenever they are available and even create opportunities to enjoy what I want to enjoy when I want to enjoy it. When we are in an abusive relationship or have contact with an abusive person who demeans, discounts or disrespects us they are very likely to say "You are SO selfish to just think of yourself"...this is an abuser's main way of saying "You are not paying enough attention to ME, you must worship ME and you must allow ME to control and abuse you". 


Today, I would love to invite you to join me in a cup of tea;