Journey to myself

"I'm NOT lost, 

why do I need to FIND MYSELF?"

For many years, even while not knowing that I am and was at the time, an introvert, I was always curious about my life. Curious about how I felt and what I thought. I was always asking myself, "DO I KNOW MYSELF?" This quote by Herman Heese "Each man's life represents a journey to Himself"...speaks to me...

what about you???

What has this world become??? A place where when we "think of ourselves", we are being "selfish" and "conceited" or "self-absorbed"? ...and then we travel quickly to the extreme of lacking "self-awareness, self-insight and focus and purpose" in our lives. We become our own WORST ENEMY...Life must be (and if it isn't it should BECOME) the MOST WONDERFUL ADVENTURE and even though the GREATEST JOURNEY that we can ever embark upon is the "journey to ourselves", there are ROADBLOCKS to face and tear down.

One roadblock is when The SELF is not a constant presence in our lives. Due to mental illness or abuse; a disconnect has occurred between a person's SELF and their identity of themselves in this world. We can focus on becoming someone and MISS the mark of BECOMING the "BEST ME" that we can be. We are not looking for our selves because we do not KNOW that we are lost...

I have often thought that we have been AFRAID to face ourselves, that maybe we were not interested in learning more about ourselves because the little bit that we did know, did not intrigue us or draw us into learning more about ourselves. Maybe we didn't want to know anymore because the people who we haphazardly have become, are not people we would even want to know. This is tragic.

And then we know that ABUSE has left us with pain and damage to our SELVES that has changed how we are able to look at life and our selves. It hurts. We feel actually pain in "body memories" and even "flashbacks". The journey to our selves become like a path riddled with weeds and poisonous spiders and creatures that can further hurt us. We don't want to be hurt, so we do not "go there".

Whatever the reason; it is little more than an excuse to not "Live WILDLY, FULLY and FREELY and OVER the TOP". Don't "give up" on yourself or neglect to invest in your own life. No matter what is done to us in this world, should NOT be allowed to stop us from "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". Not now, not ever.

We are worth it!!! 

Life is a journey, not a destination ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

I once believed that whatever I did today would "get me to my future" tomorrow...

but somewhere along the way, I forgot to enjoy "today".

When I was younger, I "lived for the future" instead of being mindful and fully living "today". I have heard it referred to as "wishing your life away". I used all my energy to drag myself through each day; just trying to survive the mind bending, soul wrenching and spirit crushing verbal and emotional abuse. Each morning seemed like waking up finding myself serving a prison sentence and each night after working in an office all day, going back to my prison cell. I was surviving but not thriving or living. The presence of oppression and abuse seemed to confuse and cloud my vision of any "dream". The deeper I sunk into despair, the further away my "future" seemed and the more impossible my dream seemed to become. Over time, I began to realize that I was "in denial" and the breaking away of denial by TRUTH was freeing me to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

The epiphany finally came where I realized that I was LIVING MY LIFE right now and that just biding my time and weakly hoping for a future would not get me there. I started to find good things in each day; of course, they usually did not have anything to do with the behavior or person of my abuser but my other family members; my son, my mom and friends were sources of enjoyment and opportunities for relief from the hellish life I was living.

Being musical and "sensitive", I began to involve myself in my hobbies, my joys and my stress outlets. I realized that in these activities, I was "finding myself" in finding the things that brought me joy. I began to see the woundedness that I had endured and started calling it what it was; ABUSE. I treated myself kindly and day by day I learned to be patient with myself and to stop making excuses for others. Positive self-talk was vital at this point in my life. "Learning to dream again" was something that needed to be "excavated", after been deeply buried within my heart and consciousness. My dream was to be with the man whom I first loved; my first love. This seemed so impossible yet I dreamt of him and my heart would not let him go. I had no choice but to face my dream, deal with my feelings of its impossibility and I daily worked through my feelings, my fears and my frustrations until I could see myself FREE to follow my dream.

Why do we "put off until tomorrow what we (need) can do today???". We put off and put aside our dreams maybe in the attempt to accept our "today" with the impossibility of tomorrow. Then one day, our dreams waken deep within us and we are strengthened and emboldened to begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

YOU are worth every effort that it takes to ENJOY TODAY. Today is where your life is right now...it is not in "tomorrow". Enjoy the journey. You are worth it!!!

Catch a falling star...

Art by Josephine Wall

Have you ever "let your imagination run away with you?" I know that I had been afraid to imagine my life as I would truly wanted it to be. My "self" was damaged and feeling unworthy due to believing how an abuser defined me and constantly disrespected me. It might have also been partly due to my own fear of NOT getting what I thought that I had wanted. And then again, I was not willing to "imagine having what I had always wanted" for fear of being discontent in the "here and now".



If you have felt this way, we might both feared dreaming because we might have talked ourselves into believing that "dreams do not come true" for us. I felt this way for a long time and no doubt, you might have also. But one day, it changed for me. In one epiphanic moment, I was struck dumb and filled with grief over a co-workers tragic and sudden death. I became like a child who was watching a falling star. I had believed that if I saw a falling star, that I only had to make a wish upon it and my dream would come true. This "falling star moment" was my moment of getting past ALL my fear...looking deep within myself and deeming myself worthy of my dream, if not only for a moment. I sat there, staring deeply into my fear of NOT getting what I had always dreamed of and realizing that I needed to "make my wish known". I only had to "imagine" that my dream could come true...if only for a moment. A moment was all that I needed to make a wish upon it and then "catch my falling star". 

This artwork spoke to me. I have felt like the beautiful being catching the falling star in Josephine Walls beautiful painting. Just imagine, if only for a moment...when your "falling star" comes your way. Dreams do come true. Make your wish. Don't allow fear to come between you and your destiny!!!

Don't fool yourself

Youtube link to Fooling yourself by Styx

 

Fooling Yourself 

       by Styx

 

Relax.. Take it easy...

You see the world through your cynical eyes
You're a troubled young man I can tell
You've got it all in the palm of your hand
But your hand's wet with sweat
And your head needs a rest


And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're kidding yourself if you don't believe it.

Why must you be such an angry young man
When your future looks quite bright to me?
And how can there be such a sinister plan
That could hide such a lamb
Such a caring young man

And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it

Get up, (get up!) get back on your feet
You're the one they can't beat and you know it
Come on (come on!) let's see what you've got
Just take your best shot and don't blow it.
Ohhh....."

And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it

Finding parts of our "lost" selves; regaining the truth

Abuse can produce selective memory and we may even forget who we are and what we deserve. We cling to dreams of "what we want" so much that we do not realize that we deserve to have SO MUCH more than what we are left settling for. We really deserve to have ourselves after the abuse is gone.

Part of "finding myself" was really discovering WHO I WAS and WHAT I DESERVED. When I was separated from my first husband, I heard a voice from Heaven say "don't tell him what you WANT, tell him what you see". I did just that. If I had told him "what I had wanted", he might have felt obligated to "be a good guy" or to "prove that I was wrong in how I saw him and his treatment of me" as well as "denying his addictive behavior". I did not tell him what I wanted; what I wanted did not matter at that moment. I needed to see the truth and KNOW the kind of man and relationship that I had committed myself. I deserved to know the truth; even though the truth hurts. I also believe that the truth heals.

Deliberate Living (affirmation)

This phrase came to my mind. As an abuse survivor and one who is still "finding me", healing from abuse and daring to DREAM again, it reminded me of the "lost power" of choosing with MY WILL so...

Today, I CHOOSE...

that is a powerful and validating statement even if it has no qualifier or description of WHAT I choose. 

The mere act of choosing is the power and credibility of my WILL.

To CHOOSE all that I CHOOSE TO CHOOSE IS really living!!!!

I CHOOSE...to deliberately live today.

When we leave our lives up to chance, we are selling ourselves short of all that life has to offer us. We deserve SO MUCH BETTER than to "just have a chance" at life...we have a choice! We deserve to LIVE it.

Walking through the pain

As I try to document and share my healing journey from abuse, I can't help but distinctly remembering how PAINFUL the process has been. Abuse is painful; when the damage is BEING DONE and the wound is being created. When the scarred wound is opened to be cleansed, it feels like it is MORE painful than the initial wound. We may fear the pain or what it may reveal to us about ourselves or others but THIS is a necessary part of the healing process. Many others survivors, including myself, have admitted to RUNNING AWAY from the pain...the pain that we really need to "walk through" in order to process and heal from abuse.

WHAT is possible? Dreams CAN come true.

We all have possibilities we don't know about.
We can do things we don't even dream we can do.
- Dale Carnegie 

  

Whose heart does NOT echo the sentiment of Don Quixote's song, to "dream the impossible dream"? 

Lyrics by Joe Darion
Enjoy on Youtube: To dream the impossible dream by Il Divo 

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ... 

If but for NOT appearing to be "impossible, would it "be a dream worth dreaming? Do we hold onto dreams because we think that they ARE impossible and so we don't FEAR them coming true in our lives?

I remember "dreaming" the impossible dream and I felt utter hopelessness and despair as if it could NEVER possibly or even partially come true. Dale Carnegie said it best that "we all have possibilities we don't know about." Wow. In my life, I had to come to the place where I had to consider that there was a possibility of seeing my dream come true before I felt safe enough to dream it. But I did believe, deep in my heart, that I COULD DO things that I had NOT YET dreamed of and because of this; I forged ahead and took the necessary and very intrepid steps TOWARD my dream. 

I remember sitting still and introspectively "looking at my life" and remembering the scene from Mrs. Doubfire.

"Ever wish you could freeze frame 

a moment in your day, and look at it and say

 this is not my life?"

As I evaluated the realness of my life; I fell into despair knowing what I was living in and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. I had nothing to lose. In my mind, it could "get no worse" and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; I would be no WORSE off than living without it. I was "all in" as they say. It was "all or nothing" and I was ready for the "nothing" but the all; it was a bit overwhelming to even believe that my dream COULD come true. When I sent my Love a card in the mail I admit that I was more fearful of a positive response than negative one. His rejection would not leave me WORSE off than before and would confirm the "impossibility" of my dream whereas his acceptance of my love and place in his life would change me forever.  And it would also mean that I had lived without him and had been dreaming my life away for nothing.

  

Enjoy on Youtube:  All I have to do is dream by the Everly Brothers

So if you have a dream that you don't think has a possibility of ever coming true, then what do you have to lose? I encourage you, today...Dream!!! Throw you cares to the wind. I did. I don't regret it for a moment. My life has changed and will never be the same. Thank God!

You have nothing to lose but the "impossibility" of your dream coming true. 

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