What's in your heart???

Why do we fear to look within? 
Don't we know that what is "within" is the true "us"? And why do we avoid the truth about who we are when that is what is needed to be healed and made whole???

LOOK into your heart today...don't be afraid. 



I suppose that we might think that it might be easier for an introspective, intuitive personality to be "inward looking" but what about the EXTRAVERTS...like myself? We have NO excuse...I know that we can "look within" as long as we are WILLING to accept and embrace what we see without judgement. 

The only justice is to follow the sincere intuition of the soul, angry or gentle.

Anger is just, and pity is just, but judgement is never just.

~ D. H. Lawrence ~

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I love when things are transparent, free and clear 

of all inhibition and judgement.

~ Pharrell Williams ~ (of "Happy" fame)

I have looked within my heart all my life. I have always known that the only way to live a life and "find myself, be healed from abuse and learn to dream again", starts with ME accepting myself without judgement. With gentle openness and acceptance. And as soon as we accept and love ourselves, the sooner we allow ourselves to accept and love others.

I have often said that I am am writer but I admit, that I am much more a thinker and philosopher, counselor and friend and helper to many, including myself than the writer that I have hoped to become. I accept this in myself. If I want to become more of a writer; I must WILL myself to BE more of a writer. Happiness, peace and wholesome living is just like that...we create it. And we must start with ourselves...

START WITHIN  TODAY...visit us at Singing a New Song  on Facebook...a place where you can begin to "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Get back to the basics

Singing a New Song

began as a vehicle used to speak out against spiritual abuse/domestic abuse in the christian marriage. 

Religion has been and remains the most commonly used vehicle for abuse. 

Abuse is insidious. As a christian, I strongly believed that "a christian man would NEVER abuse his wife". While I still believe this to be partly true, I also have experienced how the concepts we believe and the religious dogma we embrace can set us up as victims of religious abuse. 

I was a very active christian many years before I met my son's father. I had been very involved in serving in the church in worship leading, teaching, prayer, conference planning and program developing and coordinating. I love people and had found a wonderful niche for my creative and musical outlets. I had a wonderful life serving the Lord and enjoying my "family". 

When we are "in church" (christian church that is) we tend to assume that most everyone there is a christian. They have come to worship God with us and we have much more in common than we may have dividing or distinguishing us from each other. Looking back on it, I see this assumption as part of our need to BELONG. We all feel a deep need to "belong somewhere" or "to someone". Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows a pyramid of needs that places BELONGING just about physiological and safety needs: including within it: friendship, family and sexual intimacy. These are very BASIC needs.

I didn't understand my needs at the time and how religion has fulfilled the bottom three level on this Needs scale but I realized that it has played a significant supporting role in the next level of needs: ESTEEM.

As much as I had trusted God, I now realize that I had trusted man too much and my ability to discern intent of others and interpret behavior within marriage too little. I was in the worship team the day my ex husband and his daughter walked into the church that I had so joyfully served. Only a few brief months of courtship and 19 months later, confusion nd frustration began filling our home when my then christian husband seemed to be "unhappy" with me while I was pregnant with our now 13 year old son. He became critical, unloving, biting, harsh in his speech and manner and even so demanding that I "behave as a christian woman should" that I was reluctant to share my feelings and thoughts of my difficulty in the pregnancy. He said "you have changed, I am still the same". He later called me "contentious" and "disobedient" and even said in later years..."when you disobey ME, you disobey God". 

Now, as I look upon this, I can see that this is just abusive, manipulative behavior. NOT christian at all. But I had believed and continued to want to believe that he was truly a very good christian but yet experienced deeply disturbing cognitive dissonance over this. HOW can a christian man be so callous, unloving, demanding and even abusive??? I studied the Bible more, scouring it for wisdom and understanding on how I should view my new christian husband's behavior in light of feeling abused. I then found a few books on abuse by christian authors: (Jan Silvious's book: Fool Proofing your life and Leslie Vernick's book "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship") and I realized that "not all that glitters, is not gold" or "just because he says he is a christian, appears to act like a christian, seems to believe as a christian believes, doesn't mean that he is not or cannot be an abuser". 

This was a VERY harsh reality for me to accept. I didn't want to believe that what I had held as principles and concepts of virtue that I had held dearly would be so twisted in attempts to control, manipulate, discredit, demean, discount and disrespect me...after all, he was a christian. A christian man would not abuse. THIS WAS A FALSE PREMISE, a VERY untrue assumption that kept me in an abusive marriage for may years 8 years beyond my initial revelation that I was being abused by my christian husband.

Patricia Evan's books; mainly "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak out" and "Contolling People" where too books; disdainfully shun and severely criticized by my then "christian husband" as being "not of God" and I was not only "admonished" to not read them but to "only read the Bible" and "listen and obey" him. He was "my head". I was just a woman. At one time, I "misplaced" the book, "Controlling People" twice...I had to buy new copies. I believe that he had thrown them away in attempts to dissuade me from reading them and awakening to HIS ABUSE OF ME in this "christian marriage". 

I found the book, "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern. It was another "forbidden" book but by that time, I had separated from him, taking our then 8 year old son to live apart from him and his daughter. 

I share all of this to caution all those who hold onto a belief system and seek to find others who believe as you do to form the security of friendship, family and sexual intimacy that there are "wolves wearing sheep's clothing" among those who call themselves christians...and they CAN and DO use religion to ABUSE and control their victims.

Love til it doesn't hurt

A loving person that has endured abuse and mistreatment perhaps due to what we thought was "naivete" was really because we "loved til it hurt". You will find yourself BEYOND hurt and into a place of REAL LOVE in your life; no matter who has hurt you or how badly life has treated you...
when WE LOVE, we win. 

Many of us who have suffered abuse in our lives. We have endured the horrible disrespectful speech and behavior of another person have loved until it HURT and we continued to love through the hurt because either we held a religious belief that "we had to love the unloving" or because we might have thought less of ourselves for not forgiving them for their behavior toward us. We suffered in loving them, not as much for them as we need to "love until it hurt and then some" to prove something to ourselves.  Once we realize that love is NOT intended to hurt and that we don't have to be hurt to love or be loved; then we will be just beginning our healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

Are you willing to keep loving even if it keeps hurting? We all have that choice to make. No one is making us take the abuse from another person for the "sake of love" but ourselves. I see it this way...I loved a mentally ill man...very much, but I chose, over time with the help of his abusive behavior to stop loving him and stop wanting to be with him.

Abuse doesn't deserve our understanding; it deserves our absence.

We are worth it!!! 

The Quiet Stillness of the Soul

She walks alone...
in the darkest of night, the rising fog swirls at her feet
as the sun peers through the clouds,
casting shadows along the path before her. 

There are times, many times in my life, where I have felt a deep peace, a stillness and quietness in my soul that seemed to pervade all the noise of the environment around me and overtake it. It totally fills my inner self with a great fullness; unlike the fullness of eating a large meal or a filling and overflowing of joy that comes after a family gathering, no, it is not like those at all. It seems that things like this are not usual subjects of conversation or interrogation. It is as though it only exists in the person who experiences it and cannot be brought out in the land of the living as other more common experiences can be.






Maybe the experience of deep inner peace is not so common. The quietness and stillness of the soul is a rare, perhaps even matchless or incomparable to any other human experience and emotional reality. Perhaps this stillness is reserved and even preserved for those who will give it the time and space that it needs to take residence. It is for and only seen by the patient soul; the one who is willing to set aside all the cares of the world and experience this deep inner knowing of peace.

I remember hearing both children as I was growing up and young women as I grew into adulthood complain of loneliness. I never really understood what loneliness was or why it was so aberrantly avoided and even shunned by people who just did not have someone to talk to for a moment. I have had to see that the term loneliness is really preferring to be with others who are not available “leaving us only to ourselves” and I could never understand how that is such a bad thing. How could anyone be lonely if they had themselves to entertain and hold company with? I just don't understand why anyone would not prefer being alone to having to spend time with a boorish uneducated and unimaginative “friend”. Why would I want to be with others when my mind would entertain me with the history and imagination of the ages instead? Sir Edward Dyer wrote a poem called “My mind to me a kingdom is”; the most profound and most celebratory statement for the concept and practice of “aloneness” that I have ever found. I guess that is what being a writer and “dreamer of dreams” is all about. How could I ever get bored or lonely when I have so much going on inside me?

Loneliness and being alone are two separate ideologies. Loneliness must imply a wanting for a specific person; to be in their presence and to experience their being and feeling a deep yearning to be with someone who is not able to be with us for whatever reason. We feel “lonely” for them. We yearn to be with them and in being with them, perhaps we are finding a part of ourselves or even communing with ourselves in the only way that we have learned how up to this point in our lives. I would imagine that loneliness under this definition would bring about great sadness and longing for another. What bothers me most about this concept is that it totally obliterates the sufficiency of the self; the enjoyment of our own uniqueness and the unequivocal imagination of having a real relationship with our “selves”. It is almost “self-denial” in its greatest or lowest form. This is what truly saddens me. Being alone on the other hand may imply the desire to spend time alone; solitude and introspective moments of deep peace and soul searching. Being alone acknowledges the separateness that makes each and every one of us human and special. Being alone affirms me as an individual and as a unique and wonderfully creative and productive person who has many heartfelt wishes and desires and hopes for my life and those whom I love; why would I NOT want to be alone?

When I think of quietness I think of a very undisturbed night where the breeze is tranquil or nonexistent. The birds and crickets are even asleep. They are miraculously stilled and hushed as if a blanket has been spread and the earth is giving vigil to the night. The quietness can be deafening. It is an eerie emptiness that transcends and exceeds our imaginative process of being possible. The quietness almost hurts our ears in its loudness of its presence where some would say that the lack of presence is what causes the quietness; I contend that the quietness overtakes the confusion and noise. 

When I think of stillness I can see a very serene pond or body of water that clearly and gently reflects the sky and all that is around it almost mirror like mockery that is a surreal picture of what does not exist. A paradox. Stillness is the absence of movement. Stillness of a body of water can reflect and reveal so much around it. It makes me wonder if a “still spirit” can do the same thing. Can a person with a “still and quiet spirit” reflect the world off of themselves for others to see? Just as “still waters run deep”, can a “still spirit” be deep with empowering quietness? There is something about the stillness and quietness that demands our respect and attention. Even louder than a scream for help, the stillness of the wind or water commands total honor. We are “stilled” in our tracks and must stop what we are doing and thinking in order to pay obeisance to the quietness; the stillness and the power of control whether it is revealed to us outwardly in nature or less obviously, in the heart of man.

There is much to say about the illusive qualities of quietness and stillness of the soul; but one only has to stop and listen; honor and respect the deep paradoxical full void of the self in its richest and most wonderful expression of life.

We are stronger than we think...

Let's STOP and take a look at our lives for a moment. Wherever we find ourselves in whatever situations, I am sure that we would find that WE HAVE SURVIVED a lot emotionally, mentally and even physically. We have LIVE THROUGH horror. We have endured great sadness and deep sorrow of loss. Loss of dreams and hope. Loss of our selves and our future. 

BUT NOW, we can LOOK BACK and gain CONFIDENCE in our ability to survive...

Seriously, we can trust ourselves to KNOW that since we survived and come to a place in our lives where we are reaching out to be healed, that WE CAN INDEED face our healing, even if it feels a bit scary at first...We deserve to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" . When we COME TO THIS PLACE in our lives, we need to doubt ourselves...

LOOK BACK OVER WHAT YOU HAVE SURVIVED...

 This is VERBAL ABUSE

 author unknown, shared anonymously

once more your voice descending

I’m crashing to the floor

the honeymoon is ending

like so many times before


broken pieces of my heart

have fallen on the ground

from years of bad dreams coming true

of comfort never found

that girl I was at twenty

who trusted only you

bit by bit has slipped away

as the pile of pieces grew

you finally have robbed me

of the me I thought was there

I’m remade in your image

your little teddy bear

sorrow has dissolved my soul

tears have drowned my mind

pain has killed my spirit

from being kicked so many times

although you are beside me

screaming how I am wrong

your grimaces I cannot see

your rage is all but gone

I am no more, I do not fear

you shouting from above

as you drive another nail into

the coffin of my love

original author: 

Thanks for letting me share.

-c.


This poem uses imagery from books on verbal abuse written by Patricia Evans. 

SPEAK OUT!!!

Struggling through healing toward passion and creativity

It is called by many names, "dry period", "writer's block", "the blues" or the "doldrums", but anyway you label it, abuse and life's hard lessons have a way of sucking the creative energy out of us. I believe it is then that "need to refresh our passion" for life and whatever in life brings us joy. A "change of scene" or focus or paradigm shift may be the "jump start" that our creativity needs to thrive. Some say that we can "fake it til we make it" but I just have to believe in myself even when I feel lacking in hope and inspiration. I believe that merely acknowledging to ourselves that life has more purposelessness moments than not, is ENOUGH to throw us into the pit of despair and the dry well of mere existence. WE DO NOT need to accept mere existence as our "life"...we CAN hope and HAVE much more!

Our self esteem is so closely tied to our creative expression that any threat or damage due to abuse can totally disable our ability and even desire to express ourselves. We deserve to BE CREATIVE and enjoy life and everything that brings us joy; why have we allowed other's mistreatment and abuse toward us destroy or cripple the wonderful artistic beauty that we hold within us all? We did not consciously "allow" anyone to abuse us but due to many familiar influences and personality and mental processes, we "thought" that the treatment of a spouse, loved one or friend was "normal". We lived with abuse for SO LONG that we do not know what normal is any more. We are either in jeopardy of  losing our life's focus and sense of individuality and purpose or we may have already "lost ourselves".  I have found that one way to "find ourselves" is to search for the creative energy within us and encourage it to thrive IN SPITE of anyone else's opinion. We need to learn to VALIDATE ourselves because those in our lives, whom we have trusted with "ourselves" have failed to provide the validation, safety and nurture that all persons require and deserve.

When "the blues" hit you next time; see it as an OPPORTUNITY to invest in yourself. See it as a "red flag" or warning that there is a "breach in security" and that the wonderful person that you are and all you hold in your heart is in peril! EMBRACE the joy within you and RUN WITH IT...grab a hold of yourself and don't let go. 

A Valentine for Hurting Hearts

For all the precious, lonely and hurting hearts on

Valentine's Day:

Valentine's Day may be a very special day for lovers but it seems to totally disregard the single, lonely hurting heart. Too many years I dreaded the upcoming "Lover's Holiday".  I would mournfully walk throughout the mall and see all the beautiful festive red and white displays declaring the "love the of the ages" and all the wares for sale to give to that "special someone". 

 

Every Valentine's Day, my heart was made sick to think that I had "loved and lost" before and was afraid that I might NEVER know that again. 

I was reminded of other dear hearted women who had been hurt and abused and face each Valentine's Day in the same way. 

I felt that this holiday was a very wicked reminder of the cruelty of abuse...again and again each year. 

I am so sorry for your pain. 

And most of all,  I'm sorry to myself  

for treating me worse than I would anyone else.

It's all a matter of perception...

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” 

(Lao Tzu)

     Some may see a beautiful flower with a butterfly landing upon a slightly opened blossom. Others, perhaps see a beautiful woman. It all depends upon HOW we look at things. Do we accept the first things that we see as truth or do we look deeper to find a beauty that others may not seek?
     Reality. Some say that it is overrated but for the most part, isn't reality simply OUR perception of ourselves and the world in which we live?

     It seems to me that the biggest obstacles that we face in life may stem from our struggle with our concept of self-image and self-acceptance. If we want to appear to "be a certain way" and believe that our person is "honourable, honest or loving" for example, then we expect that all of our behavior WILL fall into a category congruent with that character. When it does not, cognitive dissonance; or "rationalization" as it can be called, calls for reduction of that dissonance.This is a very psychically painful situation and requires immediate attention and action.

It appears to me that the only way 

to truly find out "who you are" 

is to be willing to "let go" 

of who you think you are...

Looking inside me; not afraid to see who I really am.

This above all, to thine own self be true.

~ William Shakespeare

NO matter what happens in this life; I just want to scream: to YOUR OWN SELF...BE TRUE! 
I strongly believe that people are so messed up in this world today because that they have learned to LIE to themselves, live in denial and BE dishonest with themselves about who they really are. They have not taken William's quote and applied it to their lives; "to thine own self, be true".

 Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from!  

~John Eyberg

How many times have we "run from ourselves". A song from the musical "Pippin" called Simple Joys (Ben Vereen- Simple Joys from Pippin) gleefully and truthfully states it clearly.

He ran from all the things he done, 

he ran from things he'd just begun, 

he ran from himself 
now that's mighty far to run....

The self is a remarkably fragile yet undeniably real concept. I embrace the woman who is "me". I affirm her and acknowledge that she is unique and special in all the world and worthy of my time and attention. It might feel strange or peculiar at first to "talk about yourself" in second person but I believe that it helps me to "see me" from a more objective and respectful position. I can then "look inside me" to see who I have become and feel with great joy and sometimes great pain, the events that have formed who I am. I can calmly look at the choices that I have made and even realize that I have lately made some VERY good choices for myself and my young son and feel good about them, their effects and how it reflects upon on my personal growth and healing.

I encourage you today to NOT be afraid to "look inside yourself". I would say that very deep within you is a remarkably unique and wonderful person; just waiting for you to help him or her, get out of the bondage of abuse and pain and begin to live life fully and freely. You are worth it.

  

Do we really "take care" of ourselves? Practicing good SELF care.

How many times have we told someone, with heartfelt concern to "take good care of themselves"? What does this mean? HOW can we care for our SELF while we are healing or even still enduring abuse? I found the following article that may help answer these questions. Take "good care" of yourself today; I care about you.

STRESS MANAGEMENT:    

TEN SELF-CARE TECHNIQUES

by Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University

TO RELAX. Throughout the day, take "mini-breaks". Sit down and get comfortable. Slowly take in a deep breath; hold it; and then exhale very slowly. At the same time, let your shoulder muscles droop, smile, and say something positive like, "I am r-e-l-a-x-e-d." Be sure to get sufficient rest at night.

PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE. Many people get distressed over things they won't let themselves accept. Often, these are things that can't be changed, for example someone else's feelings or beliefs. If something unjust bothers you, that is different. If you act in a responsible way, the chances are you will manage that stress effectively.

TALK RATIONALLY TO YOURSELF. Ask yourself what real impact the stressful situation will have on you in a day or in a week, and see if you can let the negative thoughts go. Think through whether the situation is your problem or the other person's. If it is yours, approach it calmly and firmly. If it is the other person's, there is not much you can do about it. Rather than condemning yourself with hindsight thinking like, "I should have...," think about what you can learn from the error and plan for the future. Watch out for perfectionism -- set realistic and attainable goals. Remember: everyone makes errors. Be careful of procrastination -- practice breaking tasks into smaller units to make it manageable, and practice prioritizing to get things done.

GET ORGANIZED. Develop a realistic schedule of daily activities that includes time for work, sleep, relationships, and recreation. Use a daily "thing to do " list. Improve your physical surroundings by cleaning your house and straightening up your office. Use your time and energy efficiently.

EXERCISE. Physical activity has always provided relief from stress. In the past, daily work was largely physical. Now that physical exertion is no longer a requirement for earning a living, we don't get rid of stress so easily. It accumulates very quickly. We need to develop a regular exercise program to reduce the effects of stress before it becomes distress. Try aerobics, walking, jogging, dancing, or swimming.

REDUCE TIME URGENCY. If you frequently check your watch or worry about what you do with your time, learn to take things a bit slower. Allow plenty of time to get things done. Plan your schedule ahead of time. Recognize that you can only do so much in a given period. Practice the notion of "pace, not race".

DISARM YOURSELF. Every situation in life does not require you to be competitive. Adjust your approach to an event according to its demands. You don't have to raise your voice in a simple discussion. Playing tennis with a friend does not have to be an Olympic trial. Leave behind you your "weapons" of shouting, having the last word, putting someone else down, and blaming.

QUIET TIME. Balance your family, social, and work demands with special private times. Hobbies are good antidotes for daily pressures. Unwind by taking a quiet stroll, soaking in a hot bath, watching a sunset, or listening to calming music.

WATCH YOUR HABITS. Eat sensibly -- a balanced diet will provide all the necessary energy you will need during the day. Avoid nonprescription drugs and avoid alcohol use -- you need to be mentally and physically alert to deal with stress. Be mindful of the effects of excessive caffeine and sugar on nervousness. Put out the cigarettes -- they restrict blood circulation and affect the stress response.

TALK TO FRIENDS. Friends can be good medicine. Daily doses of conversation, regular social engagements, and occasional sharing of deep feelings and thoughts can reduce stress quite nicely.

ABOUT STRESS--
Many people don't realize it, but stress is a very natural and important part of life. Without stress there would be no life at all! We need stress (eustress), but not too much stress for too long (distress). Eustress helps keep us alert, motivates us to face challenges, and drives us to solve problems. These low levels of stress are manageable and can be thought of as necessary and normal stimulation.
Distress, on the other hand , results when our bodies over-react to events. It leads to what has been called a "fight or flight" reaction. Such reactions may have been useful in times long ago when our ancestors were frequently faced with life or death matters. Nowadays, such occurrences are not usual. Yet, we react to many daily situations as if they were life or death matters. Our bodies don't really know the difference between a saber-tooth tiger attacking and an employer correcting our work. How we perceive and interpret the events of life dictates how our bodies react. If we think something is very scary or worrisome, our bodies react accordingly.

When we view something as manageable, though, our body doesn't go haywire; it remains alert but not alarmed. The activation of our sympathetic nervous system (a very important part of our general nervous system) mobilizes us for quick action. The more we sense danger (social or physical), the more our body reacts. Have you ever been unexpectedly called upon to give an "off-the-cuff" talk and found that your heart pounded so loudly and your mouth was so dry that you thought you just couldn't do it? That's over-reaction.

Problems can occur when the sympathetic nervous system is unnecessarily over activated frequently. If we react too strongly or let the small over-reactions (the daily hassles) pile up, we may run into physical as well as psychological problems. Gastrointestinal problems (examples: diarrhea or nausea), depression, severe headaches, or relapse can come about from acute distress. Insomnia, heart disease, and distress habits (examples: drinking, overeating, smoking, and using drugs) can result from the accumulation of small distresses.
What we all need is to learn to approach matters in more realistic and reasonable ways. Strong reactions are better reserved for serious situations. Manageable reactions are better for the everyday issues that we typically have to face.

REACTOR OR OVER-REACTOR?
Below are situations that cause stress in some people and distress in others. Imagine yourself in each one right now. How are you reacting?

• Driving your car in rush hour
• Getting a last minute work assignment
• Misplacing something in the house
• Having something break while you're using it
• Dealing with incompetence at work
• Planning your budget
• Being blamed for something
• Waiting in a long line at the grocery store

(exerpt from http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/bryan/webstres.htm)