Musings on solitude

Solitude

I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.

Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person whom I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself? 

Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.

If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.

I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.

Identifying abuse

Identifying abuse is the FIRST step in healing from its damage. If we don't know that we are being abused, we don't look for the wonderful resources that will be able to assist us on our healing journey.


"Finding myself" was the main motivation for starting this blog; to help other women (and men) who have LOST THEMSELVES in abusive relationships "find themselves", heal from abuse and learn to dream again...like I had done.

If you are feeling that life is too hard, 

that loved ones are not acting loving toward you, 

if you feel lost or hopeless 

then you might be hurting from an abusive relationship. 

Please carefully read through the characteristics 

and review the "Abuse checklist" 

at the very bottom of the page...*

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please feel free to comment on this blog; 

either on this post or contact me via email at newsong4him@hotmail.com. 

Put "singing" in the subject line. 

I would love to hear from you. 

*************************************************

Learning to think for myself...again.

"Believe none of what you hear, 

and half of what you see" 

Benjamin Franklin

 

Mrs. Smith was my somewhat eccentric red-headed fifth grade English teacher who always had an interesting quote to share. She had insight into human development and really seemed to care about "how we learned to think"; not just "what we thought". She would share her opinion how it was abusive to not give a child clean sheets on their bed. In some ways, she taught me to "care for myself" and think about what was really important to me no matter how anyone else treated me. She taught me that I was worthwhile; in her own quirky way. She was respected but a little shunned by other teachers for her eclectic style of "teaching". I really don't remember much of her English teaching but I do remember that she "taught me about life" and for that, Mrs. Smith, I will always be grateful to you.

I have had to think long and hard about this quote for many years. You see, being a christian as I became in 1985 seemed to "teach me" that I was to "believe by faith" and not trust my reason or even try to understand outside of "God's way" of doing it. Mind you, I am not proposing that thinking is NOT part of God's plan for our lives or accepting untruths and lies and abuse IS. What I suggest is that accepting these as "His Way" and  heeding the advice of "well intended believers" is NOT the intention of an Almighty Creator. At the same time, "living by faith"; which can be a very good thing does NOT mean that we trust more in others than we do ourselves.  

I am convinced that God is certainly the MOST misunderstood and misquoted Being in the entire Universe. I think that God would have every right to file charges of UNIVERSAL MISREPRESENTATION of Himself and WIN every case. I have proposed this to say that there is nothing wrong to questioning your faith or your God. If either are too fragile to sustain a question, an investigation even, then maybe they aren't "big enough" to begin with. 

Through my journey of healing from abuse; I have not come to a crisis of faith but a clarity of faith. I have learned and truly believe that it is not only NOT a sin to think for myself; God did give me the ability to have higher consciousness and even to have thoughts of Him but it is my right to learn about myself; learn HOW to think about myself. Learning to think FOR myself was one of the best things that I have done for myself in a LONG time.

Learning to live after abuse

It's been a LONG time since my last post; nearly a year. SO much has changed in my life. I have begun to learn to live again. I separated from my abusive husband in Nov. 2009, by June 2010 I was nearly convinced that his abusive ways were unchangeable and his behavior toward me, imminent and continuing. It was in August 2010; the 24th day, that I realized and "let go" of the denial of another lost marriage; the second one. The rest of 2010 was spent in personal growth and compassion toward myself and my losses. I let go.

In January 2011, I experienced an epiphany that my life is "not what it ought to have been". There was a death at my workplace of many years; a woman tragically fell and died a few days later whom I knew since my start there in 1987, I made a drastic decision. I chose to LIVE. I realized that there was a very special man. One whom I have loved since 1982 that I cried hot tears over not having seen for over 25 years while I sat at my cubicle that day.

Why do such tragedies "have to happen" to "wake us up" to what is real and important? I am singing a NEW song. I have "broken the mold" of my behavior and not only left but divorcing the abusive husband. I will soon be marrying the first love of my life; who is not only the first but the ONE and ONLY as we have reunited. There is MUCH more to this story. There is HOPE after abuse. Life CAN be good and we only need to learn how to live without the abuse in order to embrace ALL that Life has for us.