Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen

IF a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understanding what abuse was all about because I felt that I was "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological and financial abuse. It was nearly full blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". This was just about seven years ago. Being married to a christian at the time, was the conmplicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO; whether or not it was heard by my abuser, was said and followed. Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen. It means that we will NO LONGER allow ourselves to be treated that way; sometimes this means leaving our abuse. This is usually what is needed. They don't lightly take NO for an answer.

Bullies want to abuse you. Instead of allowing that, 

you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves FIRST....and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop OR we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the push over that they have become accustomed. We must tell OURSELVES that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. We can not stop them from abusing them but we CAN stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not the selfish ones. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!

Setting Boundaries: REAL LIFE STORY

What do you do to STOP abuse???

The truth is: we cannot really STOP abuse, BUT WE CAN 

STOP OURSELVES 

FROM BEING ABUSED...

This is MY JOURNEY of setting BOUNDARIES with an ABUSER*. The only problem with boundaries, not experienced by us but by our abusers, is they, like us, are not respected. Abusers cannot TAKE "NO" for answer"...

Watch the progression of BOUNDARIES that one very incessantly controlling man, father and ex husband has abused and NO LONGER HAS PRIVILEGE of using:

IN PERSON:
We moved out of Ohio and closer to our family in NC...
does this tell you anything???

PHONE:
I have had a personal experience of an abusive ex husband whom I must have "some" contact because we have a child together. I have custody of same child and was told "F YOU" over a speaker phone in my son's hearing (he was VERY upset with his dad for being so belligerent; and all because I had mentioned that HE HAD FAILED to tell me about a visitation with another family member and told my son NOT to tell me)
SO...I set a boundary: the PHONE would no longer be abused (and neither would I) and I would no longer "talk with him" (or listen to him since he does NOT hear me at all, ever...I think there is some mental illness but don't know for sure, he may just be a controlling abuser) ...
EMAIL was his mode to "talk sensibly" and "reason with me" and provide a "workable solution" regarding visitation travel...(read on)

EMAIL:
From 2002-2009, I received seven years of "poison pen" letters at my work email. Mainly spiritual abuse; "showing me" how I was supposedly not being a "godly woman" in saying "no" to essentially, his abuse of me...He said that "Jesus would speak that way to me"...(really????) He was told to STOP sending lengthy, abusive emails and he continued to do so. He would not accept my "NO"...so I blocked him (I was married and living with him at the time) and would not receive any more until 2009 when we separated and I wanted to have email contact with my son while at his father's house for visitation. Twists and turns of spinning his web of lies and cover up for HIS failure to agree to and keep a visitation drop off was clearly abusive. Mind boggling. Not workable at all. I told him that he has "lost the privilege" of using email system and that I would not respond, receive or reply to any of his emails.
SO...I set a boundary: Email would no longer be abused and
TEXTING would be his ONLY electronic media to communicate with me...
The Court would not permit this behavior and I do NOT have to endure it.

TEXT MESSAGING:
The last vestige of electronic media that he had not yet abused, to be used ONLY to provide communication of constructive and productive information, reasonable and respectful conversation, and a "workable solution" to the visitation problem (He rejected my offer of drop off of our son to him on Saturday, he "could not do it" and demanded that I bring him on Sunday, I was bearing the burden, nearly 3/4 of the total travel .
I was thinking that it would be less likely to be abused due to that it might be:
1) less comfortable
2) less convenient
3) not as quick
4) show him how obsessed he is with "getting the last word"
5) I CAN COPY AND SAVE text messages as evidence in court...(which he may think is not possible and thus allow him to verbally abuse me AND have record of it)

But in his USUAL ABUSER FASHION, he abused text messaging within 14 hours...
SO...I set a boundary: the text message system would no longer be available to him. I do not have to endure his incessant ranting and railing like a child having a tantrum.
SNAIL MAIL: is his ONLY mode of communication with me, he may still call and speak to his son but his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR will NOT be tolerated on "my electronic media" (he does not pay for it even).

But as usual with abusers, they will NOT stop abusing,

WE MUST STOP RECEIVING THE ABUSE...

He will continue to be abusive but he will I will NOT receive it any longer.

Abusers don't have any common sense. His thinking that he can get away with this is then to accuse me of not communicating with him...this is ABUSE. I do NOT have to tolerate it. If he has something productive, workable and reasonable to suggest to me. If he cannot learn to communication respectfully, I will cut him off and present this case in court.

ABUSERS ARE LOSERS. THAT my friend, is how to set boundaries and NOT receive abuse.

*This insidious brand of Abuser may be more commonly identified by the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder that his severe, abusive and controlling symptoms describe. This kind of abuser seems to believe that he is right, everyone else is wrong, he is good no matter how abusive he is told that he is being perceived. Insidious. Abuse. 

Today's blog entry is dedicated to Sterling...a new friend whom I met at the library today...we talked about her reading Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" and I realized that I had started this blog entry this morning, scheduled to post. 

Self respect

We have learned so much about how we treat ourselves and that we teach others how they are permitted to treat us and if we respect ourselves, others will respect us. But in abusive relationships, even when we respect others, we may not have that respect reciprocated and thus we may be in danger of not respecting ourselves. This is a slippery slope of how our self-image and self-esteem can be damaged from abuse.

Where do we "draw the line" and set a boundary so that others will not disrespect us? Honestly, there are some people, abusive and unloving people who may never respect us. They may continue to treat us disrespectfully while boldly denying that they are doing so, for as long as we have contact with them. These are the people in our lives; or whom we have allowed into our lives, who may be suffering from mental illness. 

In my past verbally and emotionally (and intellectually as well) abusive marriage, I learned SO much about "me". I learned that if I allow someone to disrespect me, they will do so most of the time. This realization revealed much cognitive dissonance due to the fact that I wanted to believe that he "was the christian man that he claimed to be" while having to reconcile the facts of his behavior as being abusive toward me. This was the "denial breaker"...realizing that I did not have to believe anything about him but what the truth of his behavior said to me. I needed to acknowledge my feelings about it, him and our relationship OUTSIDE of the "christian parameters" that I expected of him. If this is an issue that you are facing; there are many other posts on this blog that might be helpful to you. I understand, care and can help in sharing my experiences and what "worked" for me. When we think about having a relationship with people who behave this way toward us, we need to honestly see how things really are. We need to step out of denial and have respect for ourselves.

I realized that the "more that I respected myself, the less that I allowed myself to be treated disrespectfully" without saying anything about it and without internalizing it allowing it to damage my "self" esteem. I could not stop his disrespectful behavior unless I removed myself, ended the conversation or walked away. He was so narcissistic that he would unlock doors, follow me while yelling and cursing and after a while of this, I began to see that this was NOT the behavior that a "christian man" should have toward his wife. 

Self-respect; developing it and maintaining it while comparing the disrespectful behavior from others while keeping it was the start of "finding myself". We all deserve to be respected. If by no one else but ourselves, it will be enough. 

We are worth it.  

Identifying abuse

Identifying abuse is the FIRST step in healing from its damage. If we don't know that we are being abused, we don't look for the wonderful resources that will be able to assist us on our healing journey.


"Finding myself" was the main motivation for starting this blog; to help other women (and men) who have LOST THEMSELVES in abusive relationships "find themselves", heal from abuse and learn to dream again...like I had done.

If you are feeling that life is too hard, 

that loved ones are not acting loving toward you, 

if you feel lost or hopeless 

then you might be hurting from an abusive relationship. 

Please carefully read through the characteristics 

and review the "Abuse checklist" 

at the very bottom of the page...*

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please feel free to comment on this blog; 

either on this post or contact me via email at newsong4him@hotmail.com. 

Put "singing" in the subject line. 

I would love to hear from you. 

*************************************************

Are you being abused?

Based on the "Power and Control Wheel"

Developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

202 East Superior Street Duluth

Minnesota 55802 USA

If we will allow ourselves to see abuse for what it is and learn to recognize the different forms of abuse, we CAN free ourselves from abuse and begin healing from its damage. If you are feeling controlled by a loved one or feel that they have "power over" you in certain areas, take a moment to identify their behaviors using the above wheel and determine how they may be abusive and harmful to you.

If you don't have anyone you feel that you can safely talk to about this issue; call your local domestic violence shelter to speak to a counselor. There are many ways to escape abuse but we must FIRST be able to see it as abuse and "SAY NO" to it by getting help.

I have called a domestic shelter and I spoke to a very kind young lady counselor about a sexual abuse issue that I did not pursue as it did not occur a second time with my ex husband. I had also called a suicide hotline for help for myself. I had called a battered women's shelter several times for domestic (emotional) violence and threats of personal harm from an adult child of my ex husband. All of these are the FIRST STEP in healing from abuse.

There is NO shame in calling for help...please treat yourself with the respect you deserve and call out for help today if you are in any of the above situations.
You are NOT alone.

When you have self-respect, you have enough.

I can only imagine that if you who are reading this blog, have NOT been in an abusive relationship (I would only hope that is the case); that you may not be able to fully understand the depth and destruction of abuse in our lives. Daily stress of common life instance are complicated and turned into drama when we attempt to try to please an unappeasable person who exhibits "Just Plain Senseless" behavior as coined by Patricia Evans in her book, Victory over Verbal Abuse.

As I see it, abuse really boils down to ONE thing; just one characteristic that EACH abusive person exhibits and I will pose this question:

Why does it seem to be that ONE characteristic 

of a personality disordered person (or abusive person) 

seems to be that they do not "take someone's NO" for an answer?

Learning to say "NO", I propose is the answer to dealing with any abuse. 

JUST SAY NO.  

 Where do we start in a path of healing from past abuse and going onto personal growth? I propose that we start with our selves.

I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. 

What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. 

To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

In looking at the quote from the author of "The Little Prince", I can see that it is NOT what another person thinks of us but what we think of us that determines our self-respect and in many ways, happiness for being and living as an unique and wonderful human being. Without respect for oneself, I question if we we have respect for others. Much like love, respect requires that we have it "inwardly" to express it outwardly. What do you think of yourself today? Do you have self-respect? Have you allowed someone to disrespect you and/or undermine your self-respect?

In my struggle for self-respect and freedom from abuse, I and many others have repeatedly reported that they were accused of "being selfish". THIS statement by an abusive family member or spouse is not the right of anyone and is intentionally meant to demean us as St. Exupery stated above. Personally, I know myself enough to clearly say that the abuse kept me away from seeking my self-worth and self-respect, and subsequently, my increasing self-respect and knowledge of self-worth improved and was made more evident in my life. As my self-respect increased, the more I could see that I was NOT being respected by the "one person" who SHOULD have respected me the most. The more I realized that I was being disrespected and ultimately UNLOVED, the more confidence I gained in my ability and desire to "seek out the things that are me"; like my music, writing, singing, beaded jewelry making, etc. The more I enjoyed being me, the greater my self-respect increased and with it my creativity, personhood and my own enjoyment of my life. This has been my self-respect healing cycle. 

And it all started with me saying NO to abuse 

and "telling myself" 

that though I did not feel very much self-worth 

that I was VERY WORTHY of self-respect, love and happiness.

 

Would that there were an award for people 

who come to understand the concept of enough. 

Good enough. 

Successful enough. 

Thin enough.

Rich enough. 

Socially responsible enough. 

When you have self-respect, 

you have enough.

Gail Sheehy  

I love the concept of "being enough". So many times in the course of dealing with abuse, I have explained my frustration at not being able to appease or please an abuser by saying "NOTHING that I do is good enough". I am at the point in my healing that I can now clarify this statement and say that I probably meant: "I will never be good enough for one who will not accept and respect me as a person".  Accepting that "we are ok" (and not allow ourselves to be abused) NO MATTER WHAT someone else says is CRUCIAL to developing and nurturing self-respect. 

"Today I am enough.

I am smart enough. 

Wise enough. 

Clever enough. 

Resourceful enough. 

Able enough. 

Confident enough. 

I am connected to enough people to accomplish my heart's desire. 

I have enough ideas to pull off magic and miracles. 

Enough is all I need. 

Enough is what I have. 

I am more than enough."

Mark Victor Hansen 

I am MORE than enough. Can you say that with me today? I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH and

• I have every right to speak out against abuse toward me. 
  
• I have every right to live in peace and to live with those whom I love and who love and respect me in return.  
• I have every right to NOT BE ABUSED and respect myself.
• I have every right to emotionally and intellectually heal from past abuse and nurture myself in personal growth so that I can live out my dreams. 

I AM WORTH IT because I am enough!