Love does not die

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way. 
Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind.

You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, 
by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

It will nearly be a month since Mom has passed away. It still hurts me deeply to not be able to call and talk with her. My heart breaks when I see her picture and know that I would give nearly anything to give her one more hug and kiss. Tears stream down my cheeks when I think that I could not be with her in her final moments; knowing that again, my heart would break in even deeper ways if I had been. I feel like I have been gutted alive when I think that there is "no grave" to visit since her body was cremated, there are only ashes in an urn to culminate this beautiful life; it doesn't seem fair or right at all.

I can hear her voice and laughter. I see her smile; how contagious. I hear the hope and JOY in her voice that NO ONE could steal from her. I am so very thankful that she was MY Mom. I only hope to "make her proud of me" in the ways that I am raising my son; her grandson whom she loved so dearly. 

My eyes may never stop crying; my heart, hopefully, will NEVER stop feeling her love for me and my love for her. I miss her so very badly.

If you are grieving the loss of a parent; please accept a cyber hug from me today. 

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

Kahlil Gibran

My Mom and I in 1990 (?), she was already 66 in this picture.

My path of healing from abuse

So many days I had moaned at the alarmed clock; covered my head with my pillow and screamed,
"I don't want to get up". Depression, indecisiveness, confusion and hopelessness, lack of self-esteem and constant "second guessing" of myself only added to the burden of the crumbled life that I was trying to live. It seemed so futile to even thing that the nightmare would ever end.


 Add to this, a Narcissistic mentally and emotionally wounded man who constantly criticised my every move, accused me of unthinkable behavior in his projection of his image upon me and then stood in judgement of me rather than showing compassion or any kindness. I learned early in my almost 12 year marriage to him that life is really hard when you don't feel loved and cared for and even harder to accept with no hope to the abuse ceasing. I lived that way for many years. Oh, at first, when the mask of the "good guy" was on and I was not aware of the covert abuse of sabotaging of the step-mother relationship with his daughter and seemingly appearing that I was the one who had a problem "accepting" who he was. Where was the acceptance that I "am who I am?" When I said that I "was hurting" by his words; he could only respond defensively and rather confidently; "You are just too sensitive". It was about that time in my life that I found Verbalabuse.com and Patricia Evans and her wonderful resourceful books on the topic of verbal abuse. In the tumultuous seas of abuse, she and her books and forum became the anchor that gave me the stability and "clarity" that any victim/survivor of abuse really needs.

Death and divorce; they are very similiar and that is why I will borrow the Five Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in an attempt to retrace my steps that led to healing, extricating myself from abuse and divorce from a verbally abusive and controlling man.

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."  Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..." The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so whats the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one or tragic event.

Applying my life to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief covered the years from 2002-2010.

I married my ex-husband in 1999. I was beginning to become aware of how verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling he behaved toward me in 2002. I remained in DENIAL that the abuse would stop and that even I must "be seeing this wrong" or that "he is physically ill and it affects him emotionally"; finding any excuse to try to understand and live with his behavior even with one attempt at leaving him and taking our son with me in 2003. Being a Christian, I was apt to believe that he could not possibly BE abusive as he stated that he also believed as I did. I have come to learn thta this was the biggest deception and barrier to breaking of the denial that I had to overcome in order to live a life without abuse.

In November 2007, after reading Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Man", I created "The Agreement" as prescribed in her book and presented it to a man who was in denial. His total disregard to "hear me" angered me and that ANGER stayed with me; forcing me to truly look at and accept the truth of our "marriage". This anger stayed with me and took on many forms; none that I allowed to become either self-inflicting or retaliatory. My anger became a power that helped me to be strong in the face of the FOG (Frustration, obligation and guilt) of living with and being married to what I understood finally to be a mentally ill spouse; a personality disordered individual.

The "BARGAINING phase" seemed to wrap itself around the many years but finally came to a close in late 2009. And until my mother had moved out of our home; I continued to hope that I could somehow resolve; notice that I said that "I COULD SOMEHOW RESOLVE" this "miscommunication". I "knew" that it was NOT going to happen. ALL attempts at all counseling and "talking" had only circularly come back to "his innocence" of all that I had "accused him of". The years of 2008-2009 brought more detachment as I STOPPED trying to bargain and began to accept that I was in an abusive marriage.

When I finally accepted the fact that there "was nothing that I could do to positively affect my situation", I fell into DEPRESSION. Of course, losing a son to stillbirth( April 2007), taking my parents into my home (August 2007) and having the betrayal and disconnect with my "then" stepdaughter through sabotage of her father (began 2001), I allowed him to continue to isolate, devalue and demean me, use me and my money and hoard it away from me. At one time I found 11K dollars in cash in our apartment (half of which he claimed belonged to his daughter for back child support from her mother). All attempts at "healing the marriage" was gone. I was now focusing on "me" and my survival. My depression was deep and lasting, it would not "let up".

Finally, in July 2009, I started taking the antidepressants that had been waiting on my amoire shelf for over 8 months. This came with strong insistence of a controlling husband who to try to dissuade me from taking them by saying that I "was not depressed"; possibly to "keep me debilitated" so that I would "not think of " leaving him. The process ended in ACCEPTANCE of the "death of the marriage" instead of continuing through the grief stages. No more "going around in circles". In November 2009 after an "act of fate" in October, I was able to take my son; less than half of our liquid assets (much more I believe that he STILL has hidden in savings bonds that he bought for his daughter) and LEFT his household with NO intention to return to an abusive marriage. It would require an ACT OF GOD, a MIRACLE greater than I had ever seen or even heard of to change the course that I had chosen to take.

Escaping an abusive relationship takes all that WE have to understand WHY we had continued in it so long, what our rewards were from being in it and facing the fear of the unknown outside of it. But it is REALLY worth it!

The Abuse cycle explained by Livestrong

Say Kaddish for me...

I am grieving. 

Grieving the loss of my mother who just passed away at the ripe age of 87 from cancer of all things; she could have and probably had lived many more years if the cancer was caught ten years ago. She was taking care of my father; who underwent colon cancer surgery in 2007; it might have not been terminal if caught at that time. This is a great loss to me.




I remember watching the first movie that I had seen that had a reference to the Mourner's Kaddish;  a Jewish prayer said at the time of mourning the passing of a loved one, which praises Hashem (God) as Job said "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; Blessed be the Name of the LORD. (Job 1:20-22). My mom and I were both greatly impacted by the movie, The Odessa File (Movie trailer on Youtube) with John Voight  and Maxmilian Schell. Many times after seeing it, her heart was touched as she spoke of the last scene; where in a diary of a Jewish man, he requests that if any one would read this that they would "say Kaddish for me". It seemed odd to me that a woman; who probably had never even met a Jewish person in her life up to that time, half German and half Irish in origin would be attracted to the Jewish prayer. It is even "more odd" in ways that I later and for over 18 years spent time with Jews and Gentiles believers in Jesus in the Messianic Synagogue.  I have often felt that giving praise to God at this time was a healing part of the mourning process; it acknowledges His gift to us through this loved one's life. My mother was truly a nothing less than a precious gift from God and I thank Him and her for providing me with her love.


Would you indulge me in this time of mourning and in honor of my mother; would you "say Kaddish" for her? Thank you and Shalom to you and yours.
 

The Mourner’s Kaddish

Exalted and sanctified is God's great name (Amen) 
in the world which He has created according to His will, 

and may He establish His kingdom in your lifetime 
and during your days, and within the life of the entire 

House of Israel, speedily and soon; 
and say, Amen.

(Amen. May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.)

May His great Name be blessed forever and for all eternity. 

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, 
elevated and lauded be the Name of the Holy One, blessed be He, (blessed be He) 

beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are spoken in the world; 

and say, Amen. (Amen.)

May there be great peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all Israel; 

and say, Amen. (Amen.)

Hurricane Irene; facing the storms in life; facing death.

My mother is in a hospital room under hospice care, having JUST been diagnosed with terminal cancer in June, facing the damage of a possible heart attack along with infection. She is a "sassy and spry" 87 year old and is IN THE DIRECT PATH of Hurricane Irene. They are currently receiving high winds and heavy torrential rain as of  Saturday, 1 p.m. EST. Most areas in North Carolina have lost power including my brother's home; about 2 hours WEST of where my mother is in Greenville, North Carolina.

Each day that we face brings its own challenges and pain, joys and triumphs; death seems to touch upon ALL of that. It challenges us to face our own mortality. Could we learn to be ready to stare the Grim Reaper right in the face but extend a welcoming hand to him? If we are not able or ready to do that, how do we prepare to "let go" of a loved one? The pain we feel in loss is something that we must work through both mentally and emotionally. We may be reminded of the joys of knowing and loving our loved one and we may find comfort and peace in such tender memories. We triumph in life when we boldly face and survive the difficulties of life which overcomes the challenges and pain (of separation) of death.

For the purpose of our own education and help to those we love who will face death, I strongly advocate and support that a  very non biased "End of life studies" class should be required for all high schoolers. A 6 week "internship" including visits to nursing homes and hospice units and a term paper examining the hearts of each young person titled "How I will face my own death" should be prequisite for high school graduation. Learning how to face our own mortality will help us face the loss in the death of a loved one. I completed a Hospice volunteer course and became a certified Hospice volunteer but had not used my newly found understanding with a person who was in the process dying until my dear friend Jeri Rinehart was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 74. She was an AVID Opera aficionado, a music educator and wonderful person who would "air" Opera's on DVD in her home in "surround sound" that my mother attended and enjoyed very much. Jeri chose not to undergo any chemotherapy and she lived her life longer than her prognoses allowed. Three of her friends who were also facing cancer chose to take chemo and they had even been "given" a better prognosis by taking it, all died several months prior to her passing. My Mother was diagnosed in 4th stage and also did not choose to take chemotherapy. She knew that Jeri had enjoyed her last days and I feel that by knowing this, loving Jeri and enjoying her life, that my mother was more able to also enjoy her own life; even so close to its end.

Facing a Hurricane and facing the death of a loved one have a view similarities, in many instances. Death will also pass through and leave it's damage and we will move on and live again; better knowing HOW to live after having lived through this loss.

Please remember to pray for the safety of ALL of those in Hurricane Irene's path. Loss is hard, but we CAN get through it and be better prepared for the next "storm" in our lives. Wishing you much hope and peace in whatever storm you find yourself facing today.

Till the storm passes over, till the thunder sounds no more,
Till the clouds roll forever from the sky;
Hold me fast, let me stand in the hollow of Thy hand,
Keep me safe till the storm passes by.

(from the song: Til the Storm passes by  written by Bill and Gloria Gaither)

Living each day as if it is my last...

Now THAT is a sobering statement but I will submit it with all sincerity. My mother is 87 years old and has been in good health all her life; or so we had thought. She was diagnosed with 4th stage progressive cancer and admitted to hospice care in June. Each day could be her last. One day will bring her last breath. I love my mother and to hear how each breath becomes more laboured is aching to me as her health declines. She says that she is not in pain and that has an answer to many prayers. She was always the picture of health. She was a poster child for good bowel health; eating fiber and even touting the praises of the lowly celery stalk for its fiber content and intestine saving powers. She would eat things that she did not like because they were "good for her". Even then, she "ended up" with a rectal tumor of all things. This life doesn't seem fair that way.

The reality of her illness and age and impending departure instils a deep regret in my heart and hot tears in my eyes. I have feared that she might not have "lived life to the fullest" because she was married to a Narcissistic abusive husband. I feel that though she had many family members, was greatly loved and respected by many, that she did not continue to pursue her dreams and "live each day as if it were her last" and now she is getting ready to face that day. Hopefully, she does not have the regret for living her life as she had lived it as I do.

This really makes me pause and think about my life and what I want to make of it. I learned that we have only this life to live and to live today we must glean our wisdom from our past, make today the best day of our lives and hold onto hope that tomorrow will only be better. I will never stop questioning what is important to me nor will I fail to believe that I deserve less than the very best life has to offer.

“Learn from yesterday, 

live for today, 

hope for tomorrow. 

The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

Albert Einstein

I owe so much to my Mom, a wonderful woman who taught me what hope is and reality should NOT be. I fervently and thankfully dedicate this blog entry in her honor. I love you, Mom.