Get back to the basics

Singing a New Song

began as a vehicle used to speak out against spiritual abuse/domestic abuse in the christian marriage. 

Religion has been and remains the most commonly used vehicle for abuse. 

Abuse is insidious. As a christian, I strongly believed that "a christian man would NEVER abuse his wife". While I still believe this to be partly true, I also have experienced how the concepts we believe and the religious dogma we embrace can set us up as victims of religious abuse. 

I was a very active christian many years before I met my son's father. I had been very involved in serving in the church in worship leading, teaching, prayer, conference planning and program developing and coordinating. I love people and had found a wonderful niche for my creative and musical outlets. I had a wonderful life serving the Lord and enjoying my "family". 

When we are "in church" (christian church that is) we tend to assume that most everyone there is a christian. They have come to worship God with us and we have much more in common than we may have dividing or distinguishing us from each other. Looking back on it, I see this assumption as part of our need to BELONG. We all feel a deep need to "belong somewhere" or "to someone". Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows a pyramid of needs that places BELONGING just about physiological and safety needs: including within it: friendship, family and sexual intimacy. These are very BASIC needs.

I didn't understand my needs at the time and how religion has fulfilled the bottom three level on this Needs scale but I realized that it has played a significant supporting role in the next level of needs: ESTEEM.

As much as I had trusted God, I now realize that I had trusted man too much and my ability to discern intent of others and interpret behavior within marriage too little. I was in the worship team the day my ex husband and his daughter walked into the church that I had so joyfully served. Only a few brief months of courtship and 19 months later, confusion nd frustration began filling our home when my then christian husband seemed to be "unhappy" with me while I was pregnant with our now 13 year old son. He became critical, unloving, biting, harsh in his speech and manner and even so demanding that I "behave as a christian woman should" that I was reluctant to share my feelings and thoughts of my difficulty in the pregnancy. He said "you have changed, I am still the same". He later called me "contentious" and "disobedient" and even said in later years..."when you disobey ME, you disobey God". 

Now, as I look upon this, I can see that this is just abusive, manipulative behavior. NOT christian at all. But I had believed and continued to want to believe that he was truly a very good christian but yet experienced deeply disturbing cognitive dissonance over this. HOW can a christian man be so callous, unloving, demanding and even abusive??? I studied the Bible more, scouring it for wisdom and understanding on how I should view my new christian husband's behavior in light of feeling abused. I then found a few books on abuse by christian authors: (Jan Silvious's book: Fool Proofing your life and Leslie Vernick's book "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship") and I realized that "not all that glitters, is not gold" or "just because he says he is a christian, appears to act like a christian, seems to believe as a christian believes, doesn't mean that he is not or cannot be an abuser". 

This was a VERY harsh reality for me to accept. I didn't want to believe that what I had held as principles and concepts of virtue that I had held dearly would be so twisted in attempts to control, manipulate, discredit, demean, discount and disrespect me...after all, he was a christian. A christian man would not abuse. THIS WAS A FALSE PREMISE, a VERY untrue assumption that kept me in an abusive marriage for may years 8 years beyond my initial revelation that I was being abused by my christian husband.

Patricia Evan's books; mainly "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak out" and "Contolling People" where too books; disdainfully shun and severely criticized by my then "christian husband" as being "not of God" and I was not only "admonished" to not read them but to "only read the Bible" and "listen and obey" him. He was "my head". I was just a woman. At one time, I "misplaced" the book, "Controlling People" twice...I had to buy new copies. I believe that he had thrown them away in attempts to dissuade me from reading them and awakening to HIS ABUSE OF ME in this "christian marriage". 

I found the book, "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern. It was another "forbidden" book but by that time, I had separated from him, taking our then 8 year old son to live apart from him and his daughter. 

I share all of this to caution all those who hold onto a belief system and seek to find others who believe as you do to form the security of friendship, family and sexual intimacy that there are "wolves wearing sheep's clothing" among those who call themselves christians...and they CAN and DO use religion to ABUSE and control their victims.

Getting out of delusion and self-deception

I am amazed by the number of inquisitive acquaintances and friends who have asked me about my healing journey when they seem to be wanting to know...

"HOW did you EVER get through that???




In looking back at my life, I even doubted my ability to extricate myself from abuse and endure minimal loss of property and preserve my own financial stability. At times, I had not believed that it would ever be possible but then again, I had not even begun to try to "think it through" to see if it could possibly be feasible. 

I remember getting an "epiphany" and it was like a light bulb had just been turned on above my head while I was sitting at my workstation one day. I started to think of "the impossible"...could I financially "swing it" on my income alone if my son and I moved out of the rented house from his father and half sister. My mother and father were no longer living with us and it had been a few months before that I realized that mom would be moving out to live with our brother. It was time for me to consider "the impossible". If you are reading this, you might have experienced this also or at least begun to believe in the possibility.

I have evaluated HOW I was able to free myself; free my mind, my thoughts and my feelings by understanding terms such as detachment, delusion and self-deception. Let's focus on the latter two...

What is the difference between delusion and self-deception??? 
Delusion is when a belief or impression is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument. 
Self-deception is the action or practice of allowing oneself to believe that a false or invalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true.

Since it is TRUTH Day (every Friday) here at Singing a New Song, I was wondering about the difference of these two concepts and what it means to our lives when it comes to "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".


I believe that delusion leads to self-deception and that self-deception validates the delusion. It is a wicked, hopeless, unending circle until the "spell" is broken. (see Patricia Evan's book; The Verbally Abusive Man) 

In hopes to not lose you in any confusion, let's look at an example of how this may look in our lives. Let's just imagine for a moment that we are deluded about a belief about a person (and of course "we do not understand that we do not understand" ); they could NEVER abuse us, therefore, we choose to see their behavior as NOT BEING abuse and then this is self-deceiving in that it INVALIDATES our sense of true self and squashes out any possibility of asking the needed questions because "this is what I am supposed to do about it because I believe" this or that (this is how my abusive ex husband managed to abuse me for nearly 11 years; I was in delusion and self-deception) 


Let's look at it the other way. Let's imagine again that we are self-deceived. Of course, it is again the same situation that "we do not understand that we don't understand" something about our SELF. It may be because we do not truly know ourselves and have beliefs about ourselves that may not be based upon fact or that is based squarely upon delusion. We may have unhealed abuse damage and it is just too painful to face it so we DENY our pain, our damage and believe whatever "covers" the whole situation and how it has affected us and our beliefs. Our example will be; as in my situation, I was a christian. The premise of "being a christian" is that we are not perfect but we are "forgiven", and in my life, I had a very close relationship with a family member, also a christian, who was abusive to me in ways that she still has not yet even begun to understand. She would say horrific, hurtful and "unchristian" things and behave in VERY unchristian ways (just imagine someone who says that they are a christian but cheats, lies and betrays family members for nothing more than their own pleasure; without thinking about relationship with others any thing beyond what "they get out of it"). 

Denial, delusion, detachment, self-deception were concepts that I had deeply explored before I could even begin to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". It has been an enlightening journey. 

Though my healing journey has been enlightening, 

it has not always been pleasant. 

I had to accept that things were "not as I believed them to be".  

It was painful to recognize that I could only hold myself accountable for living in that denial and delusion. 

Once I understood that I didn't understand, I forgave myself for not understanding that I didn't understand and was not able to "break the spell" of delusion and self-deception in my life sooner.

How do we know WHEN we are in delusion and self-deception? How do we "get ourselves out of delusion and self-deception?" I have learned that I needed to be open to accepting things AS THEY ARE rather than how we think they "should be" or how we would really like them to be. This is really SO MUCH EASIER said than done; to accept the truth that is contradictory to what you have believed for so long or feel validates us as a person is earth-shaking. Taking it to a deeper level, we then need to be open to exploring our CORE BELIEFS, question their validity and truth and see how they have created the reason that we believe what we do about ourselves. We evaluate, not judge, ourselves to see what areas are being run and ruled by untruths, denial, delusion and self-deception and make a personal commitment to bravely FACE THE TRUTH. 

You can do it, I did it and we can together take one step at a time...that is how healing and the "Singing a New Song" journey starts. 

YOU ARE worth it!!! 

To thine own self, be true...

Once upon a time, there lived an ordinary wonderful person. He was truly a remarkably unremarkable and truly unique person at the same time but because he did not believe as other "more important persons", he was shunned, labeled and name called. He felt as though he was invisible and did not feel "heard", but journeyed through life seeking to understand the discrimination and hatred that others had toward those who are different from them. He was astounded to find the answer within himself. Authenticity did not allow such delusion to exist. He was happy; though sometimes alone, but he loved himself and lived happily all the days of his life.

Ok, that isn't a real story but it could be. Delusion. Illusion. Myth. These are all "beliefs" that anyone can hold for whatever reason. I believe that abuse is founded upon not only "wrong thinking" but "wrong believing". I have actually run upon this "epiphany" quite accidentally while studying the reasons for WHY we believe what we believe and hold to be true; hold so tightly to it so that we will FIGHT to keep that belief, no matter what with no matter whom. It all started by questioning HOW we find ourselves...how do we know WHEN we find ourselves, and the all important question "WHAT DO WE DO WHEN we find ourselves?". I ran across a wonderful quote from a book written by a research psychologist and professor at Columbia University, Arthur T. Jersild's book "In search of self". 

"Compassion 

is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. 

It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak 

and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment."

~ Arthur Jersild ~ 

(In Search of Self: 1952) 

As abuse survivors (and who hasn't felt abused by someone in their lives??? so I speak about and to everyone), we have learned how to treat ourselves because and in the manner that we have been treated. Because of this fact, we have shunned our selves. We may have been "harder on ourselves" than we have on others and this usually "boils down" to FORGIVENESS...forgiving ourselves is important. Self-compassion is important. Self-fulfillment is our goal and I believe that we only reach our goal by "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

When we SAY NO to self-delusion, we are saying NO to abuse. We deserve to know ourselves, love ourselves and accept ourselves.

We are worth it!!!

In process...

Where are YOU in the process of "Singing a New Song"? 

"Finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". This is the process that I have found to naturally occurring in my life. It may be helpful to you as well to "plot your progress" along with me as we work "through the process" of "Singing a New Song".

We have often heard the saying "It is IN PROCESS" meaning that it, whatever "it" is, has started but is not yet completed. It is somewhere "in the process". I often ask on the Singing A New Song Facebook page and our blog at this site, the same question over and over again.

WHERE are YOU in the process of healing from abuse? 

Have you begun to find yourself?

 Are you struggling with healing from abuse? 

Are you thinking about learning to dream again? 

Do you feel a different life within you from the one you are living in "reality" and perhaps, it is a "new song" that is being written within your soul...can you hear it??? Hum along. Is it a jazzy little upbeat number, a bit on the happy side or is it a spicy, exciting adventurous or mysterious tune that intrigues and entices you to dance a bit? Maybe it is a beautifully soothing instrumental meditative melody that creates a blanket of comfort and a place of rest and relaxation. Perhaps...oh, we could go on and on...only YOU know what may know what "your song" sounds like...even if you are still "in the process" of "Singing a New Song". It is there. You will find it. It WILL be glorious!!!

My song has always been a "declaration of freedom" and a spunky and gutsy "free to be me" anthem sung full voice, with color, confidence and clarity. Some times, it has softened to a love song...a longing to "do what I love" and to fully embrace all the beauty around me and even an encouragement to create more beauty outwardly that I see within.

No matter WHERE you are in the process, it is MOST IMPORTANT that you become aware of your process of living. What area of life are you wanting to start spending more time and effort into developing and enjoying???

If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
     You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
     You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
     You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".

Where ever you are...don't judge yourself in how you got there. We have all gotten to the same place where you are right now by just being human. By trying to survive. By trying to love. By being hurt and hopeful and disappointed.

You are NOT alone. You are not a loser. You are WORTH all the effort that you can give and a good counselor could invest, into "find yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

If you don't know where to start on your healing journey, START by believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...
because you are!!!