Musings on solitude

Solitude

I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.

Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person whom I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself? 

Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.

If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.

I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.

What's in your heart???

Why do we fear to look within? 
Don't we know that what is "within" is the true "us"? And why do we avoid the truth about who we are when that is what is needed to be healed and made whole???

LOOK into your heart today...don't be afraid. 



I suppose that we might think that it might be easier for an introspective, intuitive personality to be "inward looking" but what about the EXTRAVERTS...like myself? We have NO excuse...I know that we can "look within" as long as we are WILLING to accept and embrace what we see without judgement. 

The only justice is to follow the sincere intuition of the soul, angry or gentle.

Anger is just, and pity is just, but judgement is never just.

~ D. H. Lawrence ~

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I love when things are transparent, free and clear 

of all inhibition and judgement.

~ Pharrell Williams ~ (of "Happy" fame)

I have looked within my heart all my life. I have always known that the only way to live a life and "find myself, be healed from abuse and learn to dream again", starts with ME accepting myself without judgement. With gentle openness and acceptance. And as soon as we accept and love ourselves, the sooner we allow ourselves to accept and love others.

I have often said that I am am writer but I admit, that I am much more a thinker and philosopher, counselor and friend and helper to many, including myself than the writer that I have hoped to become. I accept this in myself. If I want to become more of a writer; I must WILL myself to BE more of a writer. Happiness, peace and wholesome living is just like that...we create it. And we must start with ourselves...

START WITHIN  TODAY...visit us at Singing a New Song  on Facebook...a place where you can begin to "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Going back (to get) my future

If you are a movie lover, you are sure to have seen and enjoyed the movie, "Back to the Future" from the mid 80's. This story is truly one of the sci-fi/fantasy genres best movies of all time. Have you ever thought of what part of your life, what date in your history that you would like to revisit and relive? Have you ever wondered if you had left "part of you" behind? What past event might you want to "do over" that would ultimately change the path that your present life has taken and transform it into being the life "that you should have had"?  Even considering the possibility of regaining a part of our lives that might have been lost is the romance behind this intriguing tale.

This is even more of a reality to me than one might first see from the outside looking into my life. I was GREATLY affected by the "De Lorean 80's". I had even ridden in several of the DMC's or DeLoreans; the futuristic gull-wing car that was used as the time machine in the movie. In ways, it has become my time machine as well. Whenever I see one, I am "transported" back to that time where I had to go to "find my future", the life that I am now living. My life was forever changed and affected by this era and more so, by one man. Over 30 years ago this next month, I met the tall, dark, good looking young man with whom I quickly and irrevocably fell in love. I can say that for the both of us it was truly love at first sight.

As with all TRUE love stories; there is always tragedy. Like Romeo and Juliet; the pressures of family and life can pull apart the hearts and lives of even the most dedicated couple. The difference in this true story is that though our lives were  lived separate and apart from each other; they ironically paralleled with the same sadness and hopelessness of knowing that there was only one true love for us and falsely believing that we would never be together again.                                                              

Read more here: 

NEW: Back to OUR future blog

This blog was begun with the purpose of my dealing with; accepting and healing from domestic abuse from my second husband. There are books that will never be written about this relationship; one of domestic abuse and control. Mental cruelty and betrayal ending in bigamy was the fateful and painful path of a marriage to a personality disordered spouse. I miraculously survived (body, soul and mind) and wholly hope to share the healing path that I had taken to the door step of my biggest DREAM come true. I survived and then took my time machine BACK TO OUR FUTURE and this has become my passion and sole (soul) focus of my blogging and book writing. I am in process of writing our story; in memoir/story form. It is a beautiful, sad, adventuresome and fun love story. My wish for everyone is that you will search out your dreams and consider regaining parts of yourself and your life that you think you might have left behind. It is not too late. Your dreams CAN come true.  You are welcome to borrow my "Time Machine" and go with me on my trip "Back to Our Future".

***It feels good to write...

I have kept SO much inside me; hidden away from the world and myself for the most part for SO many years that I thought that I might feel overwhelmed at first when it would start "pouring out of me". The funny thing is that I don't feel overwhelmed but I feel that I am reliving parts of my past, the best parts of my life in ways, again, and it feels good.It is a joy to be writing about a man whom I have loved for so long. It is invigorating to think of "how young" we were and the life and love that we shared. It is empowering and affirming to be with him again. It is to "truly live" to be with him in reality after so many years of the "dark ages" where only my dreams beheld his face, my arms encircled him and my lips kissed his. This story will also illumine the years that he also dreamt of me and how he gave up on having me in his life as well, until death brought us back together.

I am really trying to get my bearings on the organization of this book : 
"Back to OUR Future" a true 1980's love story rekindled 25 years later". I am in the process of outlining a ROUGH draft but where does one really start to write about the last 30 yrs of their "not yet 50" year life? I was just a teenager and G, 2 yrs, 3 months and 13 days YOUNGER than me, was only 16 when we met and fell in love. Yes, I realized shortly afterword that this set of "first loves" included an adult and a minor...WHO could have guessed. Over 6 feet tall, weighing about 180 lbs or more with LOTS of muscle, deep baritone voice, dark, course facial hair and his "savoir faire" manner in how he instinctively appeared more mature and FAR older than his near 17 years should have legally allowed. I smile when I think about how young we were. We were just kids. We fell in love for the first time, with each other. We feel in love for the ONLY time with each other even though both of us lived through marriages to two other spouses and now, we have fallen in love again for the last time at our reunion. We have come "full circle" and all is right with the world again.

Forging a new path for my life

I am a writer. Not a writer "wanna be" but a writer of an awesome TRUE story. I am currently writing our love story, a "Back to OUR Future" love story of the 80's rekindled and reunited in 2011. Do you remember the "Back to the Future" movie? Well, it was made a little more personal for me when I met and fell in love with my G. He and his family had a few of these cars I had the opportunity to ride in several of them. It was "funny" to see them on a screen in a movie about "going BACK to the future"...little did I know that BACK to the future is exactly what we would be doing almost 30 years in the future of that time.

My life started out in college with falling in love with G. We were known as "G. and D." everywhere we went. We went to classes together until he transferred to another college which offered his educational preference of Veterinary medicine. He was always so insightful and sensitive and caring to animals, as well as people and stated that he "preferred animals over people" for the most part. We were still nearly inseparable with talking on the "land phone" (prior to "cells" and internet) and I would take the Greyhound to see him on weekends. Our lives had changed. Our paths had diverged and we were missing each other. Life seemed to "get in the way" and family and obligations seemed to "squelch out" time that we wanted to spend together. I was very close to graduating from college with my degree and was ready to "stop going to college" and enter the "real world" when tragedy occurred. We broke up. The dreams for a life together seemed to die. We went on different paths; each trying to convince ourselves that we could and would live without each other. "Life is suppose to suck anyways", G had said. Two marriages and divorces for each of us; no children for him; one child and one stillbirth for me and over 25 years later, I went off the path that my life had taken and wanted to merge paths with my Love.

I was working in healthcare since college and sitting at my desk one day; after over a year separation and several month decision to divorce my then current husband and call an attorney for counsel when we had a tragedy occur. A coworkeer died suddenly. Carol was a fun loving person, had a great family and everyone liked her. She enjoyed her work and I had just talked to her one day and find out that it was the last time that I saw her alive. She had died over the weekend and they were preparing for her funeral. Tragedy. It turned my mind to the loss that I had experienced in my life and G. I missed him so much. How have I "lived" over 25 years without him and would I be willing to live the rest of my life without him without even trying to reach him. My answer was a resounding NO. I could "see the trees for the forest" of tragedy in my life; beginning with G's and my tragedy of a lost love. It think of Robert Frost's poem, "The road not taken".

The Road not taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


In verse three; we see our poet "had kept the first for another day" and "doubted" if he "should ever come back" to this path. This is how I felt with G and my relationship. It haunted me yet I felt that our love was not dead but longingly sought me until I would "come back to the path".

In the last verse, "I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference" is the path that I am now forging. A new path. Not the same path that we were on together in ways and yet in some ways, it is the same path as then; only a different place in the woods.

To be able to see the "forest for the trees" was what needed to be done to see the love lost as being "the road not taken" as one that I had to return to. I needed for forge a new path for my life and a familiar old one, 25 years old or more, has "made all the difference".