Stories of HOPE in the midst of domestic abuse:
(Jan. 2012)
Among my many studies of verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting and covert religious abuse, physical and sexual abuse and the healing of a woman's heart from these abuses; I have found a secret. Love yourself MORE and SAY NO to abuse.
It sounds too simple I know but I know that I survived and healed from abuse because I began to see that I was worth it; I did not just think that I deserved to be loved, I believed that I was NOT being loved and being abused in its place. I realized that I wanted to be loved for who I am and NOT be used and abused by an abuser. I had to "see me" for who I really was. I had to acknowledge all the weaknesses in me and accept them. I lovingly embraced "me" and spoke gently and kindly to myself about my life and what I really wanted. I "had a talk" to myself about what I had allowed in my life and discussed the reasons why I had allowed abuse in my life. I had to intelligently, not emotionally evaluate what I believed to be true for my life and the parameters of faith that I realized that held me bound to a monster for nearly 11 years. I did not realize what I had allowed to be done to me until I accepted that I was experiencing abuse. No one deserves to be abused.
Saying NO to abuse was a very long and arduous task. I remember say "no" for the first time and getting thrown back with the backlash of anger for having "put up a boundary". I was told that I did not have the right to "put up boundaries in marriage". I knew that I had the right to say NO. I had to learn that each NO was mine and I had the right to say it. I learned that WITH each no, there WOULD BE repercussions and retribution by my ex husband/abuser. I accepted MY RIGHT to say no and the right of another to abuse and disrespect my no but I did NOT have to accept the continual abuse that ensued. I learned that each "NO" made me stronger. I could say "NO" more easily, expect the negative reaction/abuse toward it and laughingly realize that this seemed nothing more than a game of "whose right is it, any ways"...and I WAS RIGHT for SAYING NO to abuse! As time went on, I felt stronger and more resolute in each "NO"...I even got to the point of not even having to say no. I just DIDN'T do or think what my abuser demanded of me. I didn't reply. This is referred to as "detachment" and this is what infuriates an abuser. If we do not "engage" with them in their "little play", then they do not have anyone to abuse. It doesn't mean that they won't text, email, leave voice mails, lie to the children or neighbors or family members; many abusers continue to "try to get to us" ANY WAY they can. I HAVE REFUSED TO ALLOW MY ABUSER ENTRANCE INTO MY LIFE. Of course, I have a child with him and he calls to speak with him and sends mail and text messages, but I AM NOT ACTIVELY EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED OR ATTACHED to what he does or says or tries to insinuate about me; the only reason for his contact with me is his son and THAT is the ONLY reason that I will respond at all...
There is a helpful mnemonic device regarding HOW we can speak to abusers with detachment to avoid as much engagement as possible.
BIFF
(when communicating in high conflict situations)
B-BE BRIEF--respond ONLY to the facts that NEED to have a response. Any "goading" or "hoovering" (see outofthefog.net) by an abuser does NOT NEED AN ANSWER. You are above responding emotionally and doing anything to defend yourself from his lame attacks to get you to respond. An abuser will say ANY THING to get you riled and "engaged" in his reality. DON'T go there!!! Be brief and businesslike. The less we say; the less they have to "use against us".
I-BE INFORMATIVE--I saw myself as a newspaper reporter. I gathered the facts, wrote up my article and spewed it out. Just the facts, ma'am. Only deal with the FACTS that are relevant to the welfare of your children; don't engage in any personal talk that is none of his business. Don't argue about "what he thinks"...it is NOT information that will help you, it is not needed, it is abusive and he has an ulterior motive and it is NOT to help you or your children. I put my Ex on a "need to know basis". I was very surprised to find out that he didn't NEED to know anything about me and very little about his son. I also "put the responsibility where it belonged" and would not allow myself to feel obligated to "help him" get information about his son. Long story ensues but for explanation, I told him that I would help him, he tried to get me to "do it for him", I said "no" without saying no, I gave him the needed information and I dropped it. Done.
F-BE FRIENDLY--Ok, I will say that I have not really embraced this one. I say "hello, thanks and bye" and that is about it. I do "not make a happy face" for him or his new wife. Well, being friendly to me means that I am not going to start a war by his presence. I am "friendly". It is MUCH MORE than he deserves but I treat him respectfully any ways.
F-BE FIRM--This one is vital after we have come to the realization that WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO. Again, being firm can be "without words" or nonverbal action that we DO NOT EXPLAIN, we just DO. Dropping him from my insurance was a good example. I was firm and resolute that I needed to drop him from medical insurance despite his email protests and threats that I "could not do that to him". I asked him if he wanted to pay for it himself and I would consider keeping him on (we were not yet discussing divorce but separated for more than a year at this time) and he refused. I sent a letter to his psychologist that he would not have the insurance after a certain time and hoped that she would be able to help him deal with it. I just DID IT. I have NEVER discussed this with him on email or phone at all. Being firm also means that WE know what we need to do, how to do it and then JUST DO IT.
I SURVIVED!!! And I survived by NOT giving him "ammo" to use against me. I played my cards close to my chest. I did not give "myself away" and I learned that I survived and dealt with "me" and the agony of realizing that I had been married to an abuser and allowed myself the time and gentleness to heal from it. I did not depend upon him, did not trust him but counted him as the enemy of my soul as he really was and would always be in my life rather than the man that I "should have been able to trust and be safe with"...We are NEVER safe with an abuser.
The sooner I realized this; the faster I was able to put the above practices in places and VOILA!, I found that I was emotionally detaching and finding ways to live my life without him that did not have the drama, trauma and stress that I had tried to accept as "normal" and "loving"...they were neither. They were ABUSE.
Say NO to abuse. Love yourself and keep your precious thoughts about you, your life and children to yourself. Don't give your abuser any information that he will certainly just "turn around" and use against you. Put him on a "Need to know" basis"...and certainly decide, that he does not NEED to know very much but YOU do. KNOW that you deserve to be loved and cared for; not abused. KNOW yourself and love yourself and respect yourself. KNOW that YOU have the RIGHT TO SAY NO to abuse.
And a little child SHALL lead them
(November 2011)
Yes, that is part of a passage of scripture from the Bible pertaining probably to the Christ Child. (Isaiah 11:6) but in this instance, it reminds me of a very special young man; only eight years old at the time of this story.
I had been in marriage over 10 years with his father at this time. We had been living in the "American Dream", that is, a dream for him being that I worked full time AND kept house AND helped raise his daughter AND breast fed and weaned and raised our son AND paid for his medical coverage for both he and his daughter all these years. I was certainly a keeper but I was also a victim of domestic abuse. I began to recognize the elements of abusive behavior over the prior eight years and had tried everything within my means and efforts to confront and "tackle" the issue "together", as a family. Boy, was I deceived. I assumed that ALL AMERICAN MEN who called themselves "christians" could be trustworthy and even more than that, loving and respectful. I was under the assumption that people who "called themselves Christians" were different and honest and could be trusted and would be available for a deeper spiritual and intimate relationship and marriage. I was wrong. What I learned was that ANYONE CAN LIE; even about "being a Christian" especially a mentally ill person (Personality disordered). I finally realized that "my home life" was NOT SO HOMEY and that it was time for my son and I to leave. The door of opportunity was opening but just before I started to make the necessary moves I had a very interesting conversation with my special young man.
We were driving in the car together and my son asked me, un provoked and totally "out of the blue" as they say, "Mommy, what is Daddy and sissy going to do when WE leave?". I was pretty flabbergasted by this and asked him, "Are you and I going somewhere?" "Yes" he replied, "you are going to get an apartment for us and we are going to live together". My breath was still taken away but I loved the opportunity to probe into his heart and mind to see what he was saying with this. "We are? Why would we do that?" Out of the mouth of babes came the truth "Because Daddy and sissy are mean to you". I didn't even want to argue that point, he was correct and honest in saying that. I wondered, "Do you think that you would like to live with Mommy?"...Enthusiastically "Oh yes" and I followed up with "Wouldn't you miss Daddy a little bit". Abruptly and assuredly he responded "NO" then slowly added "Well....maybe a little bit".
It took a CHILD for me to see the truth of how domestic abuse had affected both me and him. He saw things innocently and truthfully while I had lived with trying to deny the abuse in order to "live within a christian marriage" trying to shun the shame of divorce or "unsubmissiveness" as demanded by his father. It took the truth out of a child's mouth for me to see things AS THEY TRULY WERE. I will never discount my child's perspective or minimize the affects of abuse on us by teaching him to see it any other way but in the LIGHT OF TRUTH. He is my hero, really.
Jesus said "Unless you "become as a child" you will not see the Kingdom of Heaven" (Matthew 18:3). I believe that it is truthful innocence that will not call evil good and good evil that will allow us "into the Kingdom of Heaven". Without abuse, I know that I am already there.
Why Blog?
(Sept 2011)
I have shared my reasons for this blog; for my writing and all of it pointing to writing of my memoirs of mine and my Love's "love story" that began nearly 30 years ago. As I look back upon the memories; sweet and harsh; it has been emotionally exhausting at times but all in all I see this "attempt at writing" as being a healing therapy for me and hopefully to encourage others who read this to press through to freedom or warn them from making the same mistakes that I have made in my life.
Starting a blog was not my first inclination but seeing that it allows my voice to be heard and given freedom to speak out against the injustice of abuse and the right to "be me", I have encouraged others to "take the plunge" and find that they are also experiencing the thrills of "having their say". It has become a joy and a daily challenge and discipline.
I am in a transitional period in my life; having left the abusive and oppressive relationship and marriage to enter the world of "who I have really been" all along. I have "found me" and the missing parts that I had denied for so long due to the abuse from my childhood and marriage. I had to "go back" and find the "child inside" to see that I was "still here" but was hiding because there was no safe place for me to share who I really am.
A child's view of abuse
(March 2011)
Children can be SO insightful and wise...that is just how I described my son of nine years when this account occurred. He and I had been separated from his father for over 16 months pending divorce proceedings when I contacted my "first love" from college. He was and is and will always be my ONLY Love. I had arranged for my son to meet with him and prior to our first meeting, I showed him pictures of G from several years ago...one picture was taken "just after the start of the Dark Ages, when we separated". His eyes were SO sad. He was picture with "Jed" his Rhodesian Ridgeback and Great Dane. Later he told me that he had JUST married his first wife. Other pictures of him on his Harley were received with a BIG grin on my son's face. Remarkable, I thought, it is as if he "already knows and loves him as I do".
The day came for G to meet with my son. I didn't know what to expect...really. I was pretty much "on pins and needles" as G walked through the door and I yelled upstairs to my son and said "R, G is here, come down and meet him". My son replied "G, would you please come up here, I would like to talk with you...alone". Surprising glances between G and I were exchanged as he made his way up the stairs. My son, standing at the top of the stairs, soberly assessed that G was a tall and big man and with one raised eye brow, took a small sigh as he watched G ascend the stairs toward him. I followed behind and watched my son invite G into his room, nearly close the door, his head peeping out like a chick out of the shell and said to me "Mom, this is a PRIVATE conversation".
My son had shown me a schematic of "him and I and his father" just the night before made out of his magnets and showed me "him and myself" as being structurally sound, symmetrical and "straight". He twisted the same magnet structure and said "this is my dad, he is twisted". Not knowing exactly how to respond to this young man who was wise beyond his years, I accepted that he was sharing with me, his perspective of his father and his abuse toward me mainly.
As G and my son were in their private conference, I have to admit that I do not know all that was said, it was a private meeting. I respect both of them and have not asked but G had shared with me that my son showed him the same magnet schematic. This time, the first schematic depicted "G and myself" and then he went on to show him "his twisted father" but added "This is my dad, he abused my mom".
There is NO parental alienation occurring in this household since I have not told my son about his father and all the abusive things that he has done and denies to this day, my son has seen it for himself. He knows of lies and bigamy, deceit and slander and even sabotage of my relationship with his father's daughter; all from being an insightful observer. It is good for a child to know what abuse is and to learn how he or she can SAY NO to abuse for themselves as they get older.
Children can be SO insightful and wise...that is just how I described my son of nine years when this account occurred. He and I had been separated from his father for over 16 months pending divorce proceedings when I contacted my "first love" from college. He was and is and will always be my ONLY Love. I had arranged for my son to meet with him and prior to our first meeting, I showed him pictures of G from several years ago...one picture was taken "just after the start of the Dark Ages, when we separated". His eyes were SO sad. He was picture with "Jed" his Rhodesian Ridgeback and Great Dane. Later he told me that he had JUST married his first wife. Other pictures of him on his Harley were received with a BIG grin on my son's face. Remarkable, I thought, it is as if he "already knows and loves him as I do".
The day came for G to meet with my son. I didn't know what to expect...really. I was pretty much "on pins and needles" as G walked through the door and I yelled upstairs to my son and said "R, G is here, come down and meet him". My son replied "G, would you please come up here, I would like to talk with you...alone". Surprising glances between G and I were exchanged as he made his way up the stairs. My son, standing at the top of the stairs, soberly assessed that G was a tall and big man and with one raised eye brow, took a small sigh as he watched G ascend the stairs toward him. I followed behind and watched my son invite G into his room, nearly close the door, his head peeping out like a chick out of the shell and said to me "Mom, this is a PRIVATE conversation".
My son had shown me a schematic of "him and I and his father" just the night before made out of his magnets and showed me "him and myself" as being structurally sound, symmetrical and "straight". He twisted the same magnet structure and said "this is my dad, he is twisted". Not knowing exactly how to respond to this young man who was wise beyond his years, I accepted that he was sharing with me, his perspective of his father and his abuse toward me mainly.As G and my son were in their private conference, I have to admit that I do not know all that was said, it was a private meeting. I respect both of them and have not asked but G had shared with me that my son showed him the same magnet schematic. This time, the first schematic depicted "G and myself" and then he went on to show him "his twisted father" but added "This is my dad, he abused my mom".
There is NO parental alienation occurring in this household since I have not told my son about his father and all the abusive things that he has done and denies to this day, my son has seen it for himself. He knows of lies and bigamy, deceit and slander and even sabotage of my relationship with his father's daughter; all from being an insightful observer. It is good for a child to know what abuse is and to learn how he or she can SAY NO to abuse for themselves as they get older.
