Climb every mountain...

When is a dream worth dreaming?

But if not for being impossible; 

would it be a dream worth dreaming???

A thought about dreams came to me while I was writing my blog. I was writing about “having dreams” and really digging deeply into what having a dream really means. I couldn't help but ask myself that if it were NOT impossible, then would it be a dream worth dreaming? 

If my “dream” would be possible, would it be a dream at all or maybe it would be a misguided goal or a hope that doesn't even come close to reality. Maybe the nature of a dream implies that it is NOT possible and thus to dream our life away as the Everly Brothers sang in “All I have to do is dream” is an accurate statement. I was dreaming my life away as I pined for my Love. I would think of the love that I shared with him; the “strong bond that we knew” as I wrote in the song “To see you once again”. How could it be so impossible to love him again and forever if we had such a wonderful love in the beginning. HOW could it be so impossible and why would I dream of it rather than plan on seeing him again. I would dream of looking deeply into his eyes; throwing my arms around him and feeling his strong arms about me. In my dreamlike state I would feel the hot, moist eager mouth as his lips and mine pressed together in passionate union and I would think of and feel many other bodily sensations and responses to his touch and presence. How could it be so impossible if it existed at one time; couldn't it exist again and forever?

Dreams are something that can play with the mind. They are surreal and who knows how crazy they seem to others but to us; they are as real as waking up in the morning. They motivate us to get out of bed and slide into some decent clothes and go to work. They prompt us to evaluate every relationship that we have only to find that none of them come close to the one that we dream about. We are not looking at it with “rose colored glasses” and forgetting the rough spots that we ran into ourselves along the way and the pain of the separation that only time can heal. We see our lives in the light and scrutiny of the dreams that we hold in our hearts. The dreams become the magnifying glass of our intentions and the filter by which the words that we use on a daily basis are chosen to reflect the plastic life that we have chosen over our dreams. Our dreams can appear more than real to us while living in a state of denial or constant insistence that the life that we are living is the only one that is available to us. Why would we tempt ourselves to believe that life could be better? Why not just accept the fact that life is what it is and it will always be what we have made it to this day and that we should put away those “childish” dreams and work with what we have. 

Reality is not what it is so cracked up to be. I mean, really, does anyone expect us to live lives that are so miserable just because they are the ones who are afraid to dream? Maybe they think that we are as afraid of dreaming as they are; afraid of dreaming a dream that is so impossible that to consider it would peel back and uncover their layers of discontent with their lives. To dream is to not be afraid of the truth of our lives. I think that I can say and believe that if we are afraid of dreaming, we are denying the truth of the miserable existent that we have created. We have sacrificed our right to dream at the altar of a mediocre life. We have bludgeoned our imaginations in hopes that we will not have to face the defeat of our free wills to live as we would really like to live.

“To live a life worth living” is a cliché of clichés that has come to mean even less than the cliché had originally intended. Does anyone “live a life worth living?” If everyone “lived a life worth living” then tell me why there are so many dreamers; so many discontent and discouraged people in mid-life crisis who look at their lives and say “this isn't my life”?

I have stood and faced myself in the mirror many times; shaking my head in unbelief as to the life that I have acquiesced into living. I asked myself “how did I get HERE?”. “How do I get out of this mess and live a “life worth living?” “Isn't it too late to start over?” I would feel my spirit weakened and collapse under the inquisition and sadly admit: “Who am I trying to fool, I don't have a hope to live a life that I could only dream of”. The saddest part of this statement is that I was the one fooling myself that I could life a life worth living while living in misery and want. Oh, I don't mean that I was so miserable and wanted so much that I would never be happy while being in that place; no, it was more like I was miserable and wanted so much APART from what my life consisted of that I was dreaming of being so far away, like somewhere “over the rainbow”. Even Dorothy caught a glimpse of some wonderful land “beyond where the blue birds fly” while she was living in the black and white Dust bowl infected land of Kansas on the dismal farm with the ordinary characters found in an ordinary life.

As I evaluated the realness of my life; 

I fell into despair knowing what I was living in 

and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. 

I had nothing to lose. 

In my mind, it could "get no worse" 

and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; 

I would be no WORSE off than living without it.

Dreaming goes beyond what we can imagine. Dreaming is daring to want something that you can't even see and needing something that you can no longer live without. If but not for it being impossible, it would not be a dream worth dreaming.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
Haruki Murakami

The world consists of many types of people. There are "our" types; those who love wholeheartedly, care deeply, live passionately, give generously and are compassionate and want "everything good" for our loved ones and ourselves. We want to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

Sadly, there are person who have been symptomatically and neurologically tested to be physiologically different from us; they have a "mental difference" that causes their behavior to be inconsistent, "on the edge of rage" all the time, hurt by imagined or at worst, unintentional "disrespect" or what we see as "petty arguments escalating to full blown rage". Some would say that this is abusive behavior but those with mental illness SUFFER greatly themselves. Not all abusers may be mentally ill, but I believe that some should garner compassion from those of us who understand and care about them. These symptoms are similar to many symptoms experienced by a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. It it insidious.

While we look at how other's behaviors affect us and can cause very deep emotional scarring and need for healing, we are also looking at our thoughts and feelings and determining which of them are "healthy" and are actually assisting us in healing from abuse. After we have been consistently walking our path of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and beginning to learn to dream again", we will start seeing that we are not the only ones who have pain. Right now, we are protecting ourselves and establishing much needed boundaries to "SAY NO" to abuse and "take good care of ourselves". There will come a time, when we are feeling "pretty healed" and we will then be able to look more closely at our abuser's pain. Yes, they create it themselves but maybe without therapy, supportive medication and healing, they may not be able to do anything to help themselves. Let's shine some compassion upon this and ask "if you were in their shoes, and suffering through self-loathing, would you have compassion enough upon yourself to WANT to stop the negative and destructive self-talk?" While we CAN become more familiar and in control of our thoughts, those with a mental illness may have LESS control over themselves and their thoughts than we would ever imagine. This is the wickedness of mental illness; though we may love them, our love cannot "cure" them. We cannot "control" the abuse or their self-loathing and self-sabotage and we certainly have realized that we DID NOT CAUSE their pain and the pain we have felt from their abusive behavior toward us. 

Here at "Singing a New Song" we try to uncover the hidden obstacles, debilitating fear and thoughts that hold us back from "Singing a New Song". Understanding and having compassion on persons who "cannot" think and feel like we do (by themselves, without intense therapy, DBT preferred), we HELP OURSELVES heal from the "abuse" that we endure from them. 

KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM and COMPASSION is not just for those who are abusive to us; they are for US to understand and to not give into a victim mentality, we are survivors. 

We are worth it!!!

When healing feels like mountain climbing

Acadia National Park, Maine, USA. 

No one EVER said that healing emotionally and intellectually after abuse was easy; certainly NOT me. I know that it feels like an uphill battle...it can be lonely and it can be scary. 

At times, maybe most of the time, our healing journey feels like climbing and even scaling a mountainside...we are always pushing ourselves to "go higher" with little to no understanding or expectation of what it will look like when we get to the top. 


I remember climbing hills and "being a mountain goat" among the rocky mountain sides near my home when I was young. I loved to hike and found a challenge in ever nook and crevice along the way. I was careful to make sure that my FOOTING was secure...this is a really important step (pardon the intentional pun) in our healing journeys as well.

There were times that I had to pause and rest along the way; it wasn't a sprint or a race. I PACED MYSELF.

The higher I climbed the better the view looked; I could SEE FARTHER when I was up higher. It also gave me greater motivation to continue.

As I looked BACK, I could see what I had left and I was NOT sorry for having traveled though it might have been treacherous at times.

I could feel that I HAD BECOME STRONGER already. I had climbed this high and experienced a "new perspective" on my world and I felt like I had really accomplished something.

When I reached the top; which it may feel like we never succeed in doing in our healing journeys, it is exhilarating. I know that I have had moments, experiences and feelings of great joy and pride in my own accomplishments along my healing path and that I could ENJOY THE TRIP more if I was not focused on the "end" result...in life, in my opinion, it is the journey that is what it is all about; not the mountain top.

Our life's journey is really all about "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" and to accomplish each step in our own time and way...It will not be done in one day; it is a healing journey that sometimes feels like climbing a mountain...and that's okay. WE are worth it all!!!

Be happy

I have personally learned something VERY VALUABLE that I would like to share with you...

If you are in an abusive relationship; healing from an abusive relationship and fearing another abusive relationship; THIS message is for you. ONE THING that abuse cannot do is IMITATE JOY. An abuser or mentally ill person will PROJECT their negative emotions and "bad behavior" onto those who are "acting" in a way that will sustain that "belief". They really WANT to believe that they are not the ones who are abusive but that they are the victims, and being abused by us. 


So what do we do when we are the victim of projection; the denial of unpleasant and even painful revelation of emotions faced by another person; maybe one who has a mental illness? 

• PUT ON A HAPPY FACE...they cannot project their "Nasty attitudes" and "Nasty tone of voice" to someone who is not mirroring it back to them!!!!! (let that sink in for a moment)

• BE HAPPY...BE YOURSELF...NO ONE can make you less happy than you can make yourself, and there is NO ABUSE or PERSON who is powerful enough to take your joy away. HOLD ONTO YOUR JOY and smile and be happy around those who want to accuse YOU of abusing them...like an argument, it really isn't even a "conversation" if two people aren't talking. Don't try to appease them...BE HAPPY.

• It is so true that MISERY LOVES COMPANY; don't invite Misery to your house for dinner. INVITE JOY and HAPPINESS and you will see that Misery loves "other company" and should "stay home" if they aren't able to DUMP their negative feelings and self-concept on you. Problem solved. 

• I have studied abusive behavior a LONG time and this seems to be a SOLUTION to abuse. DON'T give it power by "being like it". Don't be the mirror which enables them to USE US to project feelings that they do not want to deal with onto us!!!

• JUST BE YOU!!! You can call me "smiley face" from now on because I am not "waiting" for anyone to make me happy. I will bring my own happiness into my life and keep it; if no one wants to be around happiness, that is fine with me. 

• You are worth it!!!

Think Big

Shared from Dodinsky's "The Garden of Thoughts" on Facebook

I think a lot about the process of thinking and the content of my thoughts and how I came to the conclusions that I have. I have learned that WHAT I think and HOW I think about life will directly effect the magnitude of my life.

When I think of the "magnitude of our thoughts", I am instantly reminded of a book that I read many years ago title "Think Big", written by Dr. Benjamin Carson, African American Neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. He has inspired me to keep growing, keep learning, keep dreaming and more importantly, keep reaching for my goals. 

Let's look at some of his quotes to get an idea or two of how we can THINK BIG!!! 

“People are simply not willing to look at their problems honestly 

and admit that they have problems.” 

       Dr. Benjamin Carson

Dr. Carson is talking all about self-discovery, integrity and above all, rejection of denial in our lives. I have this to be one of the BIGGEST obstacles to clear from our lives in order to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

“It does not matter where we come from or what we look like. 

If we recognize our abilities, are willing to learn and to use what we know in helping others, 

we will always have a place in the world.” (BC)

His insight is only exceeded by his HOPE for all people to "have a place in the world". We ALL have value. We all have something to offer and something that we ourselves as well as others enjoy about us. A willingness to learn and then USE what we know in order to help others is a great goal for our lives.

“We get out of life what we put into it. 

The way we treat others is the way we ourselves get treated.” (BC)

This seems to follow "you reap what you sow" principle. We get out of life what we put into it. Why not put "our all" into it??? We are worth the investment. 

“I am convinced that knowledge is power - to overcome the past, 

to change our own situations, to fight new obstacles, 

to make better decisions.”  (BC)

Here is the "Pièce de résistance"...the crowning thought of his quotes. Learning must involve increasing our knowledge base about life, ourselves and learn how to focus our thoughts and energy toward making healthy decisions so that we can all be "Singing a New Song". 

THINK BIG...your dreams deserve BIG thoughts because you are worth it!!!

When to let go

Letting go. We have read about how we need to let go of the past to embrace our future.
Let's look more closely at what "letting go" really means.

• It is deciding (that it is time) to "say NO to abuse". It is taking a serious look at the relationship; seeing it has it has been and will  probably continue to be, abusive. 
• It means that we allow others to be as they are; we realize that we need to be true to ourselves rather than expect others to behave in ways that they may have promised. 
• It is holding onto your life and self while you feel that someone else is trying to hold onto you for their own selfish reasons and would rather hurt you than lose you. 

We need to LET GO of a relationship when we find that we are losing ourselves in it. It feels like we are slipping away and no one else cares.

Identifying abuse

Identifying abuse is the FIRST step in healing from its damage. If we don't know that we are being abused, we don't look for the wonderful resources that will be able to assist us on our healing journey.


"Finding myself" was the main motivation for starting this blog; to help other women (and men) who have LOST THEMSELVES in abusive relationships "find themselves", heal from abuse and learn to dream again...like I had done.

If you are feeling that life is too hard, 

that loved ones are not acting loving toward you, 

if you feel lost or hopeless 

then you might be hurting from an abusive relationship. 

Please carefully read through the characteristics 

and review the "Abuse checklist" 

at the very bottom of the page...*

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please feel free to comment on this blog; 

either on this post or contact me via email at newsong4him@hotmail.com. 

Put "singing" in the subject line. 

I would love to hear from you. 

*************************************************

Nothing is impossible

It seems ludicrous doesn't it? Imagine a butterfly which weighs a fraction of an ounce (maybe not a gram of weight) trying to pull a pound (or half a kilogram) weighted rock. Ridiculous. Yet, I will propose that NOTHING is impossible. OH, I am not saying that the butterfly CAN pull the rock by a string. I bet that this would certainly BE impossible; BUT it is NOT impossible for the butterfly to free herself. Letting go of the weight that is tying her down. She doesn't HAVE TO pull the rock with her. Like abuse, if we can let go of the weight of abuse, then we can learn to fly again.


If our butterfly could grow muscles from the pulling of the rock, we could imagine that she will have become stronger and then if she were presented with a similar but less weighty object the next time, then perhaps, just perhaps...who knows what might happen. She just might be able to pull that rock along...or better yet, snap the string that binds her to the abuse...set herself free and "find herself", "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again".



When we find ourselves in an abusive situation; we can VALIDATE ourselves and EVALUATE the situation and then ask ourselves "are we the butterfly who will be set free?" or will we continue to allow the rock to hold us down?
We have a choice...WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

The hump of healing; getting past DENIAL

Have you ever refused to admit that a situation was as really as bad as it seemed? Haven't you "made excuses" for others behavior that bordered abuse? In the midst of trying to understand and make allowances in order to "get along" with personality disordered person (may also be an abuser) I have been the one who has been accused of "side arm psychology". I chose to try to see the underlying reasons for abuse.

"I didn't understand that I didn't understand,
UNTIL I understood"

I have actually been meditating, thinking, analyzing and hoping to find our I made progress through the process of healing from abuse. The first thing that I realized was needed, ONCE I HAD THE EPIPHANY, was that I HAD BEEN IN DENIAL. It is my "I didn't understand that I didn't understand, UNTIL I understood". When we are DEEP in denial, a defense mechanism that is used to help us survive actually can turn into the weapon used against us in our healing from the abuse that initiated it. I DENIED that what I was experiencing could have been abuse. I was "not being abuse". I had a "difficult or needy partner" but I was "not being abused". I would "not allow others to be treat me that way". All of this self-talk was DENIAL. I would not admit to myself that I was married to an ABUSIVE MAN who called himself a christian. I was not married to a christian man with "abuse problems". I had told him time and time again to STOP and he totally denied the possibility of ever being abusive toward me; even unintentionally. He was also a liar and turned into a bigamist. I was not the only one he had lied to. I also was in denial and under the belief that I had "no right" to leave him that since I was a christian, nor could I leave the abuse.

 This is VERBAL ABUSE

 author unknown, shared anonymously

once more your voice descending

I’m crashing to the floor

the honeymoon is ending

like so many times before


broken pieces of my heart

have fallen on the ground

from years of bad dreams coming true

of comfort never found

that girl I was at twenty

who trusted only you

bit by bit has slipped away

as the pile of pieces grew

you finally have robbed me

of the me I thought was there

I’m remade in your image

your little teddy bear

sorrow has dissolved my soul

tears have drowned my mind

pain has killed my spirit

from being kicked so many times

although you are beside me

screaming how I am wrong

your grimaces I cannot see

your rage is all but gone

I am no more, I do not fear

you shouting from above

as you drive another nail into

the coffin of my love

original author: 

Thanks for letting me share.

-c.


This poem uses imagery from books on verbal abuse written by Patricia Evans. 

SPEAK OUT!!!

Struggling through healing toward passion and creativity

It is called by many names, "dry period", "writer's block", "the blues" or the "doldrums", but anyway you label it, abuse and life's hard lessons have a way of sucking the creative energy out of us. I believe it is then that "need to refresh our passion" for life and whatever in life brings us joy. A "change of scene" or focus or paradigm shift may be the "jump start" that our creativity needs to thrive. Some say that we can "fake it til we make it" but I just have to believe in myself even when I feel lacking in hope and inspiration. I believe that merely acknowledging to ourselves that life has more purposelessness moments than not, is ENOUGH to throw us into the pit of despair and the dry well of mere existence. WE DO NOT need to accept mere existence as our "life"...we CAN hope and HAVE much more!

Our self esteem is so closely tied to our creative expression that any threat or damage due to abuse can totally disable our ability and even desire to express ourselves. We deserve to BE CREATIVE and enjoy life and everything that brings us joy; why have we allowed other's mistreatment and abuse toward us destroy or cripple the wonderful artistic beauty that we hold within us all? We did not consciously "allow" anyone to abuse us but due to many familiar influences and personality and mental processes, we "thought" that the treatment of a spouse, loved one or friend was "normal". We lived with abuse for SO LONG that we do not know what normal is any more. We are either in jeopardy of  losing our life's focus and sense of individuality and purpose or we may have already "lost ourselves".  I have found that one way to "find ourselves" is to search for the creative energy within us and encourage it to thrive IN SPITE of anyone else's opinion. We need to learn to VALIDATE ourselves because those in our lives, whom we have trusted with "ourselves" have failed to provide the validation, safety and nurture that all persons require and deserve.

When "the blues" hit you next time; see it as an OPPORTUNITY to invest in yourself. See it as a "red flag" or warning that there is a "breach in security" and that the wonderful person that you are and all you hold in your heart is in peril! EMBRACE the joy within you and RUN WITH IT...grab a hold of yourself and don't let go. 

Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars

It may sound like a teenager's whine when actually it can be a cry of a controlled and abused heart of a woman in a domestic abusive marriage.

I was told "who" and "what" I was, defined by another person's words, as well as "what I thought" and "what I was going to do". When looking from the outside into a marriage like this, it would probably be viewed by one counselor when he asked me, "YOU are telling me that THIS is your marriage?".  What an eye opener.  


If you feel that you are currently IN an abusive relationship; I have to tell you that THERE IS HOPE of being free from it. I am PROOF. I was demeaned, discounted, controlled and brain washed into thinking that I "couldn't make it" without him. I felt so hopeless that my life could ever change that I thought I might never "make it on my own".  But somehow, that is EXACTLY what I did. It didn't happen in one day; actually it took YEARS of soul searching, introspection and personal scrutiny and analysis before I began to recognize the abuse for what it was. I had to overcome my denial that "my marriage" could be healed before I could even consider being free from abuse..

Walking through the pain

As I try to document and share my healing journey from abuse, I can't help but distinctly remembering how PAINFUL the process has been. Abuse is painful; when the damage is BEING DONE and the wound is being created. When the scarred wound is opened to be cleansed, it feels like it is MORE painful than the initial wound. We may fear the pain or what it may reveal to us about ourselves or others but THIS is a necessary part of the healing process. Many others survivors, including myself, have admitted to RUNNING AWAY from the pain...the pain that we really need to "walk through" in order to process and heal from abuse.

Self-affirmation doesn't have to be a gamble

Ok, I am dating myself here but I loved some of the music from the 80s. I have just realized just HOW self-affirming many of these songs were to me at that time and in listening to them again today, they still are. "I'm O.K." by Styx is a very affirming and motivating and empowering message in song.  It just seems that we are always trying to "find ourselves"; feeling good about ourselves seems to be a rarer commodity these days. I had always wondered what the "chant" meant that started the song...it is an allusion to gambling, shooting craps. I don't think of the process or success in "finding ourselves" is anything like a game of chance, but we though we may not be looking to win the jackpot or lose our shirts we DO have to "roll the dice" if we want to win. We may have to be willing to "take chances" until we "find the person we've been looking for"

I'm O.K by Styx on Youtube/no video

  I'm O.K.

Written by Dennis DeYoung

Hey, 

Hey, 

Hey, 

Hey, 

Eight, Skate, 

Seven on the Rotate!

(term used in shooting craps)
 

If I could stand

Beside myself

Would I see me or maybe someone else