Musings on solitude

Solitude

I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.

Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person whom I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself? 

Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.

If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.

I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.

Our pain isn't about someone else

The pain of our past LOSS,  BETRAYAL and ABUSE has had too much space in our lives...

It is time for it to MOVE OUT
 and stop being a barrier to LOVE 

I have emotionally moved on and MOVED OUT the emotions of pain, abuse and betrayal...I realize that how I feel is about ME, no one else. It is about how I have expected others to treat me; based upon their behavior and promises before they lost the ability to grow and continue to love me as I had loved them...

If we are not careful and diligent, life's joys and pleasures can be taken from us, overpowered by loss, grief and emotional and physical pain. One day we look back and wonder "what happened"...and that is when we need to start on our healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...it is never ending. Hopefully.

I hope that you have found that YOU LOVE...and that the only barrier that you have to loving others is yourself...it is not about them...it is about YOU. Others cannot make you love them any more than you can make others love you...and the same for "unloving" them...we make the CHOICE to love or not to love. It is an healthy perspective on life to make healthy boundaries and realize that we deserve to BE loved as WE love others. In my experience, very few persons grow out of their pain of loss, abuse and betrayal to see that they have been damaged and unable to love others because they have failed to love themselves.

Don't give such negative, life-sucking emotions place in your life. MOVE THEM OUT and move on with "Singing a new song".
YOU are worth it!!!

Setting Boundaries: REAL LIFE STORY

What do you do to STOP abuse???

The truth is: we cannot really STOP abuse, BUT WE CAN 

STOP OURSELVES 

FROM BEING ABUSED...

This is MY JOURNEY of setting BOUNDARIES with an ABUSER*. The only problem with boundaries, not experienced by us but by our abusers, is they, like us, are not respected. Abusers cannot TAKE "NO" for answer"...

Watch the progression of BOUNDARIES that one very incessantly controlling man, father and ex husband has abused and NO LONGER HAS PRIVILEGE of using:

IN PERSON:
We moved out of Ohio and closer to our family in NC...
does this tell you anything???

PHONE:
I have had a personal experience of an abusive ex husband whom I must have "some" contact because we have a child together. I have custody of same child and was told "F YOU" over a speaker phone in my son's hearing (he was VERY upset with his dad for being so belligerent; and all because I had mentioned that HE HAD FAILED to tell me about a visitation with another family member and told my son NOT to tell me)
SO...I set a boundary: the PHONE would no longer be abused (and neither would I) and I would no longer "talk with him" (or listen to him since he does NOT hear me at all, ever...I think there is some mental illness but don't know for sure, he may just be a controlling abuser) ...
EMAIL was his mode to "talk sensibly" and "reason with me" and provide a "workable solution" regarding visitation travel...(read on)

EMAIL:
From 2002-2009, I received seven years of "poison pen" letters at my work email. Mainly spiritual abuse; "showing me" how I was supposedly not being a "godly woman" in saying "no" to essentially, his abuse of me...He said that "Jesus would speak that way to me"...(really????) He was told to STOP sending lengthy, abusive emails and he continued to do so. He would not accept my "NO"...so I blocked him (I was married and living with him at the time) and would not receive any more until 2009 when we separated and I wanted to have email contact with my son while at his father's house for visitation. Twists and turns of spinning his web of lies and cover up for HIS failure to agree to and keep a visitation drop off was clearly abusive. Mind boggling. Not workable at all. I told him that he has "lost the privilege" of using email system and that I would not respond, receive or reply to any of his emails.
SO...I set a boundary: Email would no longer be abused and
TEXTING would be his ONLY electronic media to communicate with me...
The Court would not permit this behavior and I do NOT have to endure it.

TEXT MESSAGING:
The last vestige of electronic media that he had not yet abused, to be used ONLY to provide communication of constructive and productive information, reasonable and respectful conversation, and a "workable solution" to the visitation problem (He rejected my offer of drop off of our son to him on Saturday, he "could not do it" and demanded that I bring him on Sunday, I was bearing the burden, nearly 3/4 of the total travel .
I was thinking that it would be less likely to be abused due to that it might be:
1) less comfortable
2) less convenient
3) not as quick
4) show him how obsessed he is with "getting the last word"
5) I CAN COPY AND SAVE text messages as evidence in court...(which he may think is not possible and thus allow him to verbally abuse me AND have record of it)

But in his USUAL ABUSER FASHION, he abused text messaging within 14 hours...
SO...I set a boundary: the text message system would no longer be available to him. I do not have to endure his incessant ranting and railing like a child having a tantrum.
SNAIL MAIL: is his ONLY mode of communication with me, he may still call and speak to his son but his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR will NOT be tolerated on "my electronic media" (he does not pay for it even).

But as usual with abusers, they will NOT stop abusing,

WE MUST STOP RECEIVING THE ABUSE...

He will continue to be abusive but he will I will NOT receive it any longer.

Abusers don't have any common sense. His thinking that he can get away with this is then to accuse me of not communicating with him...this is ABUSE. I do NOT have to tolerate it. If he has something productive, workable and reasonable to suggest to me. If he cannot learn to communication respectfully, I will cut him off and present this case in court.

ABUSERS ARE LOSERS. THAT my friend, is how to set boundaries and NOT receive abuse.

*This insidious brand of Abuser may be more commonly identified by the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder that his severe, abusive and controlling symptoms describe. This kind of abuser seems to believe that he is right, everyone else is wrong, he is good no matter how abusive he is told that he is being perceived. Insidious. Abuse. 

Today's blog entry is dedicated to Sterling...a new friend whom I met at the library today...we talked about her reading Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" and I realized that I had started this blog entry this morning, scheduled to post. 

Holding onto yourself

We deserve MORE in life than just "holding on".

I have often wondered, as an abuse survivor and person who is "finding herself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", if I spend MORE energy "just holding onto me" than actually living my life. Do I spend more time in connecting with my thoughts and my self out of fear of losing them again?  

I am thankful for the introspective times that I can more easily focus on what is going on inside of myself when it seems like much going on outside is shaky and uncertain. I love knowing that I can turn inward for stability and do not require that which may "not be able" to be stable, to be stable for me. This is a "secret" of surviving abuse. Not expecting or requiring anyone to "be" any certain way for us. Like unreciprocated love, we "love" but if we expect someone who does not love themselves, to love us, then our expectation will bring us times of sadness, loss and sorrow. 

A big part of "holding onto myself" has always been positive self-talk or affirmations. For me, it has always been more "clarifying" and "stating the truth" to myself more than trying to guide my thoughts as a diversion or to "more positive" thoughts. Some things that we experience in live, no matter how unpleasant, need to be seen in truth and not "covered over" with a positive thought or spin. 

Is it healthy to "hold onto yourself"? I think so. I think that it may be part of our "finding ourselves" or "healing from abuse" parts of our healing journey. Once we make it through those healing phases and move into "learning to dream again", I have found that I "needed to hold onto me" less and less because I was NOT disconnected from myself and had coped with the abusive techniques by abusers to TRY to "get me away from myself". Once we get through "just surviving" mode, we have learned healthy coping mechanisms and clean boundaries so that we can NOW focus on more creative endeavors and ambitions. As a singer/songwriter, it has surprised me that at times of great stress, I was actually MORE active in my song writing. Many times, I had found that I had less energy to be creative and holding onto myself took much of my creative energy so I could "just survive". 

Do we "hold onto ourselves" because of fear of "losing ourselves again"? Maybe. But since we had felt the "loss" of ourselves and the pain and damage of abuse, who would want to live through that again? When we come to realize that we are "holding onto ourselves" we are finally realizing our worth and value. We know that we are permitted and have every right to protect and "grow" ourselves.

Wherever we are "in the process", let's remember that it is OUR LIFE and that whatever we need to learn, where ever we "are" on our healing journey, we owe it to ourselves to be patient and compassionate with ourselves. ♥

We really are worth it!!! ♥

(See more encouraging messages and thoughts on 
Facebook at  ♪ Singing a New Song ♪ )

Making the most of ourselves

What is life really all about? 

Maybe that "making the most of who we are with what we have" might be a good answer. Why not? Let's focus on "what makes life worth living".

Life has always been an adventure for me. Roads to travel, people to meet and places to see. I have learned that in looking outwardly for my life, that I have found it inwardly. Deep within my heart. I find what I love and then "do" what I love; meaning that I love music and the opportunity to sing, write music, collaborate with other singers/songwriters/musicians and then perform and record them seems to be an ultimate expression of my "being". Life has meaning for me when I am doing what I love to do. 


I remember having to complete a writing project in "Human Relations Class" in High School that involved some deep self introspection. It was titled "Where I see myself in five years". Looking back on it, I can see how quickly those five years passed and how I had strayed from my course as I had written in my paper. I look back to see how I had idealized and generalized but was not specific in my plans to reach my goals. My intentions were good but my plans were flimsy to say the least. 

I learned a valuable lesson from this paper. 

If we want to succeed in our goals, 

we must be specific, write them down and work them out. 

They will not happen just because we want them. 

Let's start right now, right where we find ourselves at this moment. We may be standing at a "fork" in the road, needing to make an important decision that will change our course in life or perhaps, we have long since passed the fork and look back with regret and wonder if we will ever come along again...in either case, or any case, we face opportunities to make the most of our lives everyday, every moment. Saying "yes" to change is a great start. Be willing to "bend" and be flexible and "think outside the box". Boxes are meant to hold things but not to help things grow. Try not to get stuck in one.

Our healing journeys lead us down many interesting and adventuresome paths. Make the most of life and yourself by taking chances, following your dreams and believing in yourself. You are worth it!!! 

Living too much

When was the last time that you were accused of "living too much"? If you ask me, I would interpret that "accusation" as being an affirmation that I am appearing successful in enjoying my life. Really, is there such a thing as "living too much"? I don't think so.


Do you have fun in what "you do"? Do you take time to mindfully enjoy your family, friends, meals, hobbies, etc??? If not, why not? Wouldn't it be strange for someone to say to us "You know, it may be just my opinion, but I think that you "live life too much"? How absurd!!! I would even suspect that a statement like this would be an attempt to control, minimize or defeat our success in life!

Why this has come to my mind is that I am joining a THIRD community chorale/choir. This one only meets in the summer, two days per week and the other two do not meet in the summer but will perform before school starts again. Well, it will take a bit of my time...Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights for the next month and then only Sunday and Wednesday nights for the rest of the summer vacation.  It will challenge me to memorize and perform the music without sheet music in front of me...all three chorales!!! Do I have the brain capacity and love of music to do this??? Do I really want to??? I just have to ask myself "am I trying to live too much"??? Of course, it is a silly question and seems absurd to ask it let alone answer it but in honesty, I asked and answered. My answer is no. Never. I don't believe in "living too much" or enjoying being part of and expressing myself through music when the opportunity rises. Will it take time away from my favorite TV program, Master Chef? Unfortunately, yes, it will. Will I survive without Master Chef??? Surprisingly but with great woe I can answer "yes". I would rather "live too much" and "make the beauty that I love be what I do" than to watch others live life too much!!!

Be a participant not just an observer in life. DARE to live life too much. I challenge you as I challenge myself to include all the things in your life that you love the most. Enjoy them daily. It is our life and no one can or should try to live it for us.

Now, if someone ever accuses you of "living life too much", you will know just how to respond to them.

You are worth it. Never forget that.

Nothing is impossible

It seems ludicrous doesn't it? Imagine a butterfly which weighs a fraction of an ounce (maybe not a gram of weight) trying to pull a pound (or half a kilogram) weighted rock. Ridiculous. Yet, I will propose that NOTHING is impossible. OH, I am not saying that the butterfly CAN pull the rock by a string. I bet that this would certainly BE impossible; BUT it is NOT impossible for the butterfly to free herself. Letting go of the weight that is tying her down. She doesn't HAVE TO pull the rock with her. Like abuse, if we can let go of the weight of abuse, then we can learn to fly again.


If our butterfly could grow muscles from the pulling of the rock, we could imagine that she will have become stronger and then if she were presented with a similar but less weighty object the next time, then perhaps, just perhaps...who knows what might happen. She just might be able to pull that rock along...or better yet, snap the string that binds her to the abuse...set herself free and "find herself", "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again".



When we find ourselves in an abusive situation; we can VALIDATE ourselves and EVALUATE the situation and then ask ourselves "are we the butterfly who will be set free?" or will we continue to allow the rock to hold us down?
We have a choice...WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

Taking GOOD care of myself

I really enjoy a good cup of tea in a china cup from a china tea pot; warmed in the traditional English style. I love the scent of blossoming lilacs. I love the color purple and the scent of these beautiful flowers. 


I can more easily enjoy the SIMPLE PLEASURES IN life; what we all need to take good care of ourselves. It may take some discipline or better yet a renewed focus ON ONESELF in order to get to the place where we can enjoy the "simple pleasures" again. I am definitely a woman who believes in the Simple Joys of life and I embrace them whenever they are available and even create opportunities to enjoy what I want to enjoy when I want to enjoy it. When we are in an abusive relationship or have contact with an abusive person who demeans, discounts or disrespects us they are very likely to say "You are SO selfish to just think of yourself"...this is an abuser's main way of saying "You are not paying enough attention to ME, you must worship ME and you must allow ME to control and abuse you". 


Today, I would love to invite you to join me in a cup of tea; 

It really is up to me...taking personal responsibility

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better