Do you love someone with mental illness?

I find "word clouds" to be a fun visual way of learning about a topic without actually studying it. Take Mental Illness for instance. Even the term "mental illness" is laden with feelings of foreboding and hesitation.

WHY are we allowing the stigma of mental illness to control our education about it???

I guess we really never learn about something until we have to learn it in order to survive through it. I had never understood that a person could be "mentally ill", and setting aside all the childish classroom humor of other students being "crazy", "retards" or "weird", I always saw people as "people" and believed that everyone was different and that difference was what made the world an interesting place to live. Little did I understand that there is ACTUALLY an illness of the mind. 

The body has illness. We can see when we have a runny nose. We hear that we have a cough or strained voice. We FEEL the pain of overexertion and carry in the way we walk for others to see that "we don't feel well" for whatever reason. We can see the cast on someone's arm or scar which was wrought by a tragic injury. We even sympathize with ourselves and others when we "don't feel good". 

But what about a "mental illness"? It can be an invisible barrier between people; dividing families and binding up the minds of wonderful people who are in constant struggle and pain with an invisible enemy; their own mind. They may try to hide it from themselves within addictions; they are the most common with alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders and addictions to nearly everything from smoking, video gaming and even something that may seem more accepted by society and even looked at as being positive traits like obsessive compulsive disorder, perfectionism and compulsive cleaning.  

I began to understand that I did not understand that MENTAL ILLNESS is real when I began to see OCD traits in my ex husband. When I mentioned his anger at me for not doing things as he did and that "I was ok just the way that I am" he would retort with hurtful and very extrapolated reasons as to how my behavior was not right and that his demands and anger over the salt and pepper shakers being set back into the cupboard where he found them was really a character flaw and evidence of my weakness as a person. 

I quickly realized that in some ways, he was not like me and the ways that he behaved seem unrational, unkind and very unloving but the purpose was for him to "feel good about himself". I realized this and began to explore the reasons WHY a person behaves this way. I started to learn about Obsessive Compulsive disorders that lead me into studying about Personality Disorders. I must have been on every website and forum and read nearly every book on these subjects in order to educate myself on "what had come into my home" under the guise of something lovingly accepted as "being his own person". We can "make allowances" for quirky behavior but when it crossed the line from quirky to abusive, THAT is when I started to listen to my heart and mind and start learning about mental illness...it is real. Sometimes we don't believe something exists until we "see it with our own eyes" and even then, we must brace against the tendency to deny it and delude ourselves into writing it off as "quirky behavior".

You have heard the saying "hurt people HURT people". I believe that this is true and probably truer for a mentally ill person than about anyone. They suffer daily. They may not realize at all that their behavior; their thoughts, their expectations and demands are putting a strain on their close relationships. They may have so much pain that they do not realize that they are "not emotionally connecting" to others as healthy people. 

If you are wondering why a loved one is miserable all the time, blames you for his/her problems, even says that YOU are "the problem" or that you are "mentally ill"...you can be sure that you love a very mentally ill person. Though they do not really intend to be so abusive, the unrequited love and lack of reciprocity in a relationship with a mentally ill person can suck the life right out of us if we allow it. Seriously, how can they have a relationship with us when all they find in us is fault (projection) and spending time with their addictions in order to cope? I have read about instances of severely addicted video gamers who admitted that their games were "the only joy they had". They hid the real reason for their misery in an addiction. This is a denial so great; that unless a mentally healthy person has direct contact in close relationship with a mentally ill person; we may not even give it another thought. It is "just the way he/she is" and since we don't have to deal with them all the time, we can "just live and let live". But for the person who is married to or in family relationship with a mentally ill person; the picture changes.

Educating ourselves about mental health and mental illness will help us recognize these traits in ourselves and others and enable us to live our lives to the fullest.

Reflecting beauty, mirroring pain

Autumn inspires me. Whenever I feel a need for a glimpse or "pinch" of inspiration, a beautiful Autumn scene always seems to spark something within me. I remember spending hours upon hours among the fragrant, crackling leaves underneath my foot step. The smell of the leaves and the crispness of the air, invigorates me. 

As I looked at this beautiful scene; a photograph taken by a very talented photographer, obviously, but sadly was not credited with the display, I was overwhelmed with the reflection of the beauty so magically caught in this image. I began to meditate that OUR beauty is also reflected; maybe we are just as unaware of revealing it to the world as these gorgeous leaved trees. Wonderfully, I seem to sense that the reflection enhances the color; not detract from it. 

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

But you are eternity and your are the mirror.

~ Kahlil Gibran(1883 - 1931) ~

After reveling in the sublime beauty of this image and its dramatic reflection, I turned my focus inwardly. I asked myself, "I wonder if my ugliness is magnified or reflected in my life in the same way that my beauty is shown to the world." The thought horrified me for a moment until I realized that it might only be the ugliness that I was not aware of;  or that I was not willing to face. Maybe the only ugliness that would be so boldly presented to the world would be the PAIN and ugliness that I chose to deny. I can see that whenever I may have chosen to live in delusion as "not having a problem" or refused to face the reality of abuse; that I was really trying to "hide from my pain" and keep it hidden from myself, that maybe it was not hidden from the world.

Gazing back upon the reflection of beauty of this image, although it truly is much more pleasant to gaze upon, maybe we can see the beauty as being reflected as a "reward" of sorts for the hard work of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". Then just maybe, we won't ever have to worry about any "hidden pain" and can look forward to seeing ourselves; our true selves, as beautiful as what we were truly meant to be. 

The foundation of healing

Starting over is something that we must do to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Instead of embarking on a new adventure, we may feel that we have failed and have to "start again". That's when we need to find a "new song".

I remember saying to myself, "I want my old life back" but after much thought, I realized that my old life is what got me into an abusive relationship with a christian man whom I assumed would be respectful, loving and caring. My "old life" was one of dependence upon others, by choice, in trusting one who proved to be unworthy of my trust. I had an epiphany and vision of sorts, before I even began my healing journey. Sometimes, we may need to admit to ourselves, that "letting go" of the life that we are living and embracing a NEW life; one that does not necessarily try to hold onto to all or many of the elements of the damaged and abusive life that we endured, that it is time to find a new song to sing and stop trying to fix the old one. 

I remember being at a "deep healing" place in my life when I "needed to place bricks" (dislodged or misplaced) parts of my life, in the "road of my life" so that if I would ever need to walk over the same place again, they would be placed "squarely" so that I would not stumble over them. I likened the bricks to "tying each knot" and leaving no lose ends in the relationship/marriage so I could move on with my life. It might have been many years later that I began to understand, that I did not understand that I didn't understand so much about myself. 

I then started to believe that I wanted a NEW life. 

I wanted a life where I would be able to be freely me and to follow my dreams without hindrance. All in all, setting a GOOD foundation for my life; based upon truth and self-knowledge was where my healing could find a home and I could move on to invite peace into my life and world. 

My healing truly started with seeing "my brick road" before me, as a vision of the foundation for the healing path that I would safely and successfully travel the rest of my life.

In Between

It is in between Summer and Autumn here in the Northeast United States. It is a time of cooling winds and less scorching days. It is a time of quieter neighborhoods as children have returned to school. It is a time that mother's meander in the shopping malls and grocery stores without the pulling and tugging of little ones of school age or the older whining of the young adult “tweeners” as they get in their daily complaint of why their electronic device is outdated and needs to be replaced. It is in between the heat and the cooling of the Earth. The change of the seasons is upon us and we are waiting, anticipating the various colors and hues that make Autumn the most beautiful season any where in the world.

We are in between the past and the future. In this past month, we commemorated the terrorist attack that ravaged our homeland twelve years ago. We want to leave the past in the past but have to remember so it doesn't happen again. If we forget the past; we are doomed to repeat it. The past is not far enough in the past for me. Ten years is not long enough to wipe the horrific scenes from my mind and heart that were seared into them on that day and the many days to follow.

We are in between peace and war. Every day, we are reminded that we do not live in a peaceful world. We look back upon our childhoods and think that we had National peace at that time. The Cold War in Russia; the Korean War or police action in Vietnam. These were not our wars but we were involved in them to keep the peace here in the United States. We feigned peace in our lives when the brink of war loomed over our heads. We tried to hide our heads in the sand and turn our eyes away from the truth that there is NO peace anywhere; lack of war is NOT peace.

We are in between truth and untruth. We claim to know the truth; that the truth will set us free but we more live in the lie that we have the truth than have the truth that obliterates lies altogether. The truth is claimed to be absolute by those who will hold onto it and defend their behavior and justify their abuse with their truth. The truth; the real truth, does not justify dark deeds but brings all deeds into the light to determine if they be of the truth or not. We live in an age of deception. The truth is a lie. As in the book by George Orwell, 1984, we use “newspeak” and are convicted of “thought crimes”. The line of truth and untruth is fading and eroding and we try to cling onto the truth for truth's sake and even for our own sake. Our sanity requires an hold onto the truth as we see it.

We are in between life and death. Some would say that as long as we are alive; we live. I disagree. I believe I know many people who have lived and only existed rather than truly lived a life. I would say that they might even have clung onto death; death of dreams, death of hope and death of all that they ever desired or longed for and only lived in this life in a partial way. They lived while they died instead of living UNTIL they died. Life is precious. To not live our lives, is to accept death before its time in our lives. My parents, bless their hearts, in my opinion, did not fully live out their lives and enjoy them as I would have hoped for them or myself. Oh, they reproduced themselves; three times. My brother, myself and my sister and several grandchildren; were my parents' accomplishments in their lives. They worked, they loved and some would say that they lived. I say that they hung onto life but did not swing with it. They did not let the breeze take them to new realms or fly over mountainous lands and deep seas. Their imaginations had no room to play but in the backyard where we played wiffle ball and yard jarts and was tolerated with our childish banter and joyfulness. They sat inside; reading the news on the printed page and writing bills and preparing meals. There seemed to be little joy in their lives. Some would say that they were raising a family but I believe that they were in between life and death and didn't know that by clinging to death and the expected end even in their desperate denial of their own mortality, they were denying the life source and force that could have changed their morbid existence into real living.

We are in between our heads and our hearts. We still have the hope and personal opportunity to take these in between times and make the most of them. We don't have to believe what we have always believed because someone else said so or passed a law that it should be done that way. We have more than our minds to guide our paths. We have hearts that must be engaged in this life if it is to be fully lived. Our heads only get in the way and leave us in the summer, the past, the fake peace, the truth that we do not see or the life that we can only hope to live. Our hearts are the connections between what is seen and what is unseen. To believe with the mind is to accept what others perceive without personal conviction. To believe with the heart, bridges the in between parts of our lives and fills it with meaningful, loving and life giving hope to step out of what we are in and move to where we ought to be.

Are you "in-between"??? At times, we all are. 

When is a dream worth dreaming?

But if not for being impossible; 

would it be a dream worth dreaming???

A thought about dreams came to me while I was writing my blog. I was writing about “having dreams” and really digging deeply into what having a dream really means. I couldn't help but ask myself that if it were NOT impossible, then would it be a dream worth dreaming? 

If my “dream” would be possible, would it be a dream at all or maybe it would be a misguided goal or a hope that doesn't even come close to reality. Maybe the nature of a dream implies that it is NOT possible and thus to dream our life away as the Everly Brothers sang in “All I have to do is dream” is an accurate statement. I was dreaming my life away as I pined for my Love. I would think of the love that I shared with him; the “strong bond that we knew” as I wrote in the song “To see you once again”. How could it be so impossible to love him again and forever if we had such a wonderful love in the beginning. HOW could it be so impossible and why would I dream of it rather than plan on seeing him again. I would dream of looking deeply into his eyes; throwing my arms around him and feeling his strong arms about me. In my dreamlike state I would feel the hot, moist eager mouth as his lips and mine pressed together in passionate union and I would think of and feel many other bodily sensations and responses to his touch and presence. How could it be so impossible if it existed at one time; couldn't it exist again and forever?

Dreams are something that can play with the mind. They are surreal and who knows how crazy they seem to others but to us; they are as real as waking up in the morning. They motivate us to get out of bed and slide into some decent clothes and go to work. They prompt us to evaluate every relationship that we have only to find that none of them come close to the one that we dream about. We are not looking at it with “rose colored glasses” and forgetting the rough spots that we ran into ourselves along the way and the pain of the separation that only time can heal. We see our lives in the light and scrutiny of the dreams that we hold in our hearts. The dreams become the magnifying glass of our intentions and the filter by which the words that we use on a daily basis are chosen to reflect the plastic life that we have chosen over our dreams. Our dreams can appear more than real to us while living in a state of denial or constant insistence that the life that we are living is the only one that is available to us. Why would we tempt ourselves to believe that life could be better? Why not just accept the fact that life is what it is and it will always be what we have made it to this day and that we should put away those “childish” dreams and work with what we have. 

Reality is not what it is so cracked up to be. I mean, really, does anyone expect us to live lives that are so miserable just because they are the ones who are afraid to dream? Maybe they think that we are as afraid of dreaming as they are; afraid of dreaming a dream that is so impossible that to consider it would peel back and uncover their layers of discontent with their lives. To dream is to not be afraid of the truth of our lives. I think that I can say and believe that if we are afraid of dreaming, we are denying the truth of the miserable existent that we have created. We have sacrificed our right to dream at the altar of a mediocre life. We have bludgeoned our imaginations in hopes that we will not have to face the defeat of our free wills to live as we would really like to live.

“To live a life worth living” is a cliché of clichés that has come to mean even less than the cliché had originally intended. Does anyone “live a life worth living?” If everyone “lived a life worth living” then tell me why there are so many dreamers; so many discontent and discouraged people in mid-life crisis who look at their lives and say “this isn't my life”?

I have stood and faced myself in the mirror many times; shaking my head in unbelief as to the life that I have acquiesced into living. I asked myself “how did I get HERE?”. “How do I get out of this mess and live a “life worth living?” “Isn't it too late to start over?” I would feel my spirit weakened and collapse under the inquisition and sadly admit: “Who am I trying to fool, I don't have a hope to live a life that I could only dream of”. The saddest part of this statement is that I was the one fooling myself that I could life a life worth living while living in misery and want. Oh, I don't mean that I was so miserable and wanted so much that I would never be happy while being in that place; no, it was more like I was miserable and wanted so much APART from what my life consisted of that I was dreaming of being so far away, like somewhere “over the rainbow”. Even Dorothy caught a glimpse of some wonderful land “beyond where the blue birds fly” while she was living in the black and white Dust bowl infected land of Kansas on the dismal farm with the ordinary characters found in an ordinary life.

As I evaluated the realness of my life; 

I fell into despair knowing what I was living in 

and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. 

I had nothing to lose. 

In my mind, it could "get no worse" 

and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; 

I would be no WORSE off than living without it.

Dreaming goes beyond what we can imagine. Dreaming is daring to want something that you can't even see and needing something that you can no longer live without. If but not for it being impossible, it would not be a dream worth dreaming.

Trust yourself, then you will know how to live. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

Our inability to trust others 

is not the worst thing that can happen. 

Even when we have no one else whom we can trust, 

we CAN trust ourselves.

Have you heard someone say to you in an accusatory tone "You don't trust me"...and when we stop and think about this, they may be telling the truth and there may be good reason for it. Just because we love someone does NOT mean that they are worthy of our trust as well. In abusive situations, we find that the inability to reasonably trust a "loved one" because of their abusive behavior is often turned on ourselves. We are "accused" of not trusting them while we second guess who we are and doubt our own feelings and perceptions rather than to just accept that the relationship with that "special someone" is so painful.

Even before we begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again", we hear "you need to trust yourself" over and over again. Being that we had trusted a person who had seemingly abused us, we may feel that our choice of trusting others also includes our own ability to trust ourselves. THIS is one of they greatest abuses inflicted upon an abuse victim and abuse survivor. We don't even KNOW that we are able to trust our own thoughts and feelings because they were "taken over" and controlled so long ago by one who "gaslighted" or disrespected, demeaned or discounted us time and time again. 

It seems that this lack of understanding of TRUST 

and how it has been used to control us is 

one of the FIRST stepping stones 

to begin our healing journey.

I remember when I was a student in high school, I was a young woman; confident and with talent and skill to do many things but my parents and teachers for the most part, did not encourage me to do many of the things that I accomplished well "on my own". I had to be my own cheerleader. I had a few friends, especially Shelley, who was more of a visionary like myself. She wasn't afraid of "going against the flow" of what was "expected or acceptable" when it came to personal growth and becoming a valuable, intelligent and resourceful person. I had to trust myself and that could have been very difficult hard when parents and other adults seemed to only criticize my decisions, even after some accomplishments. A teacher/teacher supervisor of a student group called me at home after school had ended for the year to "chew me out" for being so boldly outspoken, helpful and giving directions to others to make a sweetheart dance the best one that this "special group" had ever offered to the school. So I started out NOT trusting the opinions of others who did not support me, so where did I go wrong??? 

Somewhere along the line, I had believed the LIE. The lie being "you must trust those whom you love". I have learned that the KEY to "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" is learning when and whom we can trust. We needn't be in a hurry or feel forced to trust others. They must prove to us their trustworthiness. The good news in all of this is, we can always trust ourselves...even though we may be wrong, we can forgive ourselves and build confidence that at least "we are are on our own side" even if we feel that no one else may be.

So do we need to trust more or trust more wisely??? I know that you can answer that question for yourself. 

Change is beautiful

There is no greater time to start believing that change is beautiful than during the Autumn Season. Change is part of life; it is the necessary recording of time that gives life a certain "je ne sais quoi". 


It seems to me that change must seem much easier to accept when we were children. We did not have to worry about consequences and payments, time restraints and commitments  Our only commitment was to "have fun growing up" and change was just part of it all, especially in our bodies with the "growing pains" that we endured. Even those growing pains, though big to us at the time, seem like little nuisances now in comparison to our adult problems. 

Why does "change" sometimes brings with it, a sense of hesitation or dread? I propose that it is the change that we feel very little influence or control over that we fear or dread the most. When we are in charge of the change, when we have the power and plan to proceed with making even deep, inner changes, we have confidence that we can succeed. But when change is cast upon us, thrust upon us, thrown at us in such a way that it obviously conflicts with everything that we have previously believed, it causes much cognitive dissonance... confusion in our thoughts.  From Wikipedia: Cognitive dissonance is the distressing mental state that people feel when they "find themselves doing things that don't fit with what they know, or having opinions that do not fit with other opinions they hold." Change can be beautiful, even when it comes with the pain of having to change our thoughts in order to accept and live with the results that change has left in our lives.

Next time you look at a leaf, fallen from a tree, beautiful changed in color from the green, chlorophyll rich leaves of spring and summer, just think of it as a "seasonal change" in the life of the leaf. It is natural and to us, it can be very beautiful. We can even think of ourselves, as a leaf, constantly changing and yes, getting older and naturally aging. Embrace the change you may not be able to "alter" to any great degree...it is life. Change may be hard at first, but realize that life is good and can only be made better by "going with the flow of change" rather than fighting against it.

Getting out of delusion and self-deception

I am amazed by the number of inquisitive acquaintances and friends who have asked me about my healing journey when they seem to be wanting to know...

"HOW did you EVER get through that???




In looking back at my life, I even doubted my ability to extricate myself from abuse and endure minimal loss of property and preserve my own financial stability. At times, I had not believed that it would ever be possible but then again, I had not even begun to try to "think it through" to see if it could possibly be feasible. 

I remember getting an "epiphany" and it was like a light bulb had just been turned on above my head while I was sitting at my workstation one day. I started to think of "the impossible"...could I financially "swing it" on my income alone if my son and I moved out of the rented house from his father and half sister. My mother and father were no longer living with us and it had been a few months before that I realized that mom would be moving out to live with our brother. It was time for me to consider "the impossible". If you are reading this, you might have experienced this also or at least begun to believe in the possibility.

I have evaluated HOW I was able to free myself; free my mind, my thoughts and my feelings by understanding terms such as detachment, delusion and self-deception. Let's focus on the latter two...

What is the difference between delusion and self-deception??? 
Delusion is when a belief or impression is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument. 
Self-deception is the action or practice of allowing oneself to believe that a false or invalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true.

Since it is TRUTH Day (every Friday) here at Singing a New Song, I was wondering about the difference of these two concepts and what it means to our lives when it comes to "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".


I believe that delusion leads to self-deception and that self-deception validates the delusion. It is a wicked, hopeless, unending circle until the "spell" is broken. (see Patricia Evan's book; The Verbally Abusive Man) 

In hopes to not lose you in any confusion, let's look at an example of how this may look in our lives. Let's just imagine for a moment that we are deluded about a belief about a person (and of course "we do not understand that we do not understand" ); they could NEVER abuse us, therefore, we choose to see their behavior as NOT BEING abuse and then this is self-deceiving in that it INVALIDATES our sense of true self and squashes out any possibility of asking the needed questions because "this is what I am supposed to do about it because I believe" this or that (this is how my abusive ex husband managed to abuse me for nearly 11 years; I was in delusion and self-deception) 


Let's look at it the other way. Let's imagine again that we are self-deceived. Of course, it is again the same situation that "we do not understand that we don't understand" something about our SELF. It may be because we do not truly know ourselves and have beliefs about ourselves that may not be based upon fact or that is based squarely upon delusion. We may have unhealed abuse damage and it is just too painful to face it so we DENY our pain, our damage and believe whatever "covers" the whole situation and how it has affected us and our beliefs. Our example will be; as in my situation, I was a christian. The premise of "being a christian" is that we are not perfect but we are "forgiven", and in my life, I had a very close relationship with a family member, also a christian, who was abusive to me in ways that she still has not yet even begun to understand. She would say horrific, hurtful and "unchristian" things and behave in VERY unchristian ways (just imagine someone who says that they are a christian but cheats, lies and betrays family members for nothing more than their own pleasure; without thinking about relationship with others any thing beyond what "they get out of it"). 

Denial, delusion, detachment, self-deception were concepts that I had deeply explored before I could even begin to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". It has been an enlightening journey. 

Though my healing journey has been enlightening, 

it has not always been pleasant. 

I had to accept that things were "not as I believed them to be".  

It was painful to recognize that I could only hold myself accountable for living in that denial and delusion. 

Once I understood that I didn't understand, I forgave myself for not understanding that I didn't understand and was not able to "break the spell" of delusion and self-deception in my life sooner.

How do we know WHEN we are in delusion and self-deception? How do we "get ourselves out of delusion and self-deception?" I have learned that I needed to be open to accepting things AS THEY ARE rather than how we think they "should be" or how we would really like them to be. This is really SO MUCH EASIER said than done; to accept the truth that is contradictory to what you have believed for so long or feel validates us as a person is earth-shaking. Taking it to a deeper level, we then need to be open to exploring our CORE BELIEFS, question their validity and truth and see how they have created the reason that we believe what we do about ourselves. We evaluate, not judge, ourselves to see what areas are being run and ruled by untruths, denial, delusion and self-deception and make a personal commitment to bravely FACE THE TRUTH. 

You can do it, I did it and we can together take one step at a time...that is how healing and the "Singing a New Song" journey starts. 

YOU ARE worth it!!!