Musings on solitude

Solitude

I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.

Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person whom I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself? 

Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.

If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.

I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.

Our pain isn't about someone else

The pain of our past LOSS,  BETRAYAL and ABUSE has had too much space in our lives...

It is time for it to MOVE OUT
 and stop being a barrier to LOVE 

I have emotionally moved on and MOVED OUT the emotions of pain, abuse and betrayal...I realize that how I feel is about ME, no one else. It is about how I have expected others to treat me; based upon their behavior and promises before they lost the ability to grow and continue to love me as I had loved them...

If we are not careful and diligent, life's joys and pleasures can be taken from us, overpowered by loss, grief and emotional and physical pain. One day we look back and wonder "what happened"...and that is when we need to start on our healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...it is never ending. Hopefully.

I hope that you have found that YOU LOVE...and that the only barrier that you have to loving others is yourself...it is not about them...it is about YOU. Others cannot make you love them any more than you can make others love you...and the same for "unloving" them...we make the CHOICE to love or not to love. It is an healthy perspective on life to make healthy boundaries and realize that we deserve to BE loved as WE love others. In my experience, very few persons grow out of their pain of loss, abuse and betrayal to see that they have been damaged and unable to love others because they have failed to love themselves.

Don't give such negative, life-sucking emotions place in your life. MOVE THEM OUT and move on with "Singing a new song".
YOU are worth it!!!

Catch a falling star...

Art by Josephine Wall

Have you ever "let your imagination run away with you?" I know that I had been afraid to imagine my life as I would truly wanted it to be. My "self" was damaged and feeling unworthy due to believing how an abuser defined me and constantly disrespected me. It might have also been partly due to my own fear of NOT getting what I thought that I had wanted. And then again, I was not willing to "imagine having what I had always wanted" for fear of being discontent in the "here and now".



If you have felt this way, we might both feared dreaming because we might have talked ourselves into believing that "dreams do not come true" for us. I felt this way for a long time and no doubt, you might have also. But one day, it changed for me. In one epiphanic moment, I was struck dumb and filled with grief over a co-workers tragic and sudden death. I became like a child who was watching a falling star. I had believed that if I saw a falling star, that I only had to make a wish upon it and my dream would come true. This "falling star moment" was my moment of getting past ALL my fear...looking deep within myself and deeming myself worthy of my dream, if not only for a moment. I sat there, staring deeply into my fear of NOT getting what I had always dreamed of and realizing that I needed to "make my wish known". I only had to "imagine" that my dream could come true...if only for a moment. A moment was all that I needed to make a wish upon it and then "catch my falling star". 

This artwork spoke to me. I have felt like the beautiful being catching the falling star in Josephine Walls beautiful painting. Just imagine, if only for a moment...when your "falling star" comes your way. Dreams do come true. Make your wish. Don't allow fear to come between you and your destiny!!!

Think Big

Shared from Dodinsky's "The Garden of Thoughts" on Facebook

I think a lot about the process of thinking and the content of my thoughts and how I came to the conclusions that I have. I have learned that WHAT I think and HOW I think about life will directly effect the magnitude of my life.

When I think of the "magnitude of our thoughts", I am instantly reminded of a book that I read many years ago title "Think Big", written by Dr. Benjamin Carson, African American Neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. He has inspired me to keep growing, keep learning, keep dreaming and more importantly, keep reaching for my goals. 

Let's look at some of his quotes to get an idea or two of how we can THINK BIG!!! 

“People are simply not willing to look at their problems honestly 

and admit that they have problems.” 

       Dr. Benjamin Carson

Dr. Carson is talking all about self-discovery, integrity and above all, rejection of denial in our lives. I have this to be one of the BIGGEST obstacles to clear from our lives in order to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

“It does not matter where we come from or what we look like. 

If we recognize our abilities, are willing to learn and to use what we know in helping others, 

we will always have a place in the world.” (BC)

His insight is only exceeded by his HOPE for all people to "have a place in the world". We ALL have value. We all have something to offer and something that we ourselves as well as others enjoy about us. A willingness to learn and then USE what we know in order to help others is a great goal for our lives.

“We get out of life what we put into it. 

The way we treat others is the way we ourselves get treated.” (BC)

This seems to follow "you reap what you sow" principle. We get out of life what we put into it. Why not put "our all" into it??? We are worth the investment. 

“I am convinced that knowledge is power - to overcome the past, 

to change our own situations, to fight new obstacles, 

to make better decisions.”  (BC)

Here is the "Pièce de résistance"...the crowning thought of his quotes. Learning must involve increasing our knowledge base about life, ourselves and learn how to focus our thoughts and energy toward making healthy decisions so that we can all be "Singing a New Song". 

THINK BIG...your dreams deserve BIG thoughts because you are worth it!!!

DENIAL...roadblock to healing from abuse

Healing from ABUSE is like treating a burn on your hand. We have been burnt (directly by the act of abuse) and the FIRST thing that we need to do is STOP the burning. 


As an example, when our hand gets too close to the hot flame of the stove, WE NEED to (instinctively) PULL OUR HAND away from the flame. We all might have experienced the real pain of a burn whether it was caused by fire, flame, coil, conduction or steam. It HURTS! It does not take much for us to FEEL it and suffer the aftermath of a burn.However, sometimes in abusive situations we may not recognize the pain to be as great and as damaging as it truly is. 

Finding our inner selves

The process of healing from abuse or tragedy has been described as a struggle for life, similar to the caterpillar's metamorphic emergence as a butterfly from a cocoon. For myself, I can relate to this "new life" as being a bit strange, unfamiliar and even scary. My focus had been on running away from abuse, denying the abuse and my self in order to live and grow through it. I had to "find me" before my healing began and that is while I was still living with and in the constant presence of abuse.

Once I was OUT of the abuse and begin to heal, I experienced the "shedding of the old skin" much like the picture represents. With each peel, I could feel old expectations and disappointments leave me. I sensed, as if for the first time, a cool breeze or breath of HOPE across my face. Fresh air and a renewed vision for my life. I learned that my new life had been INSIDE ME all along and could only come out when I truly felt that it would be safe for me to reveal myself...to myself.

Hot potato!

I just couldn't help myself...LOL. When I saw this picture of a silhouette of a person who appears to be "holding the son" my memories went back to my childhood and the game "Hot Potato". Ok, if you remember that also, we both know HOW OLD we are! Like the game, this picture reminds me of "what we get our hands on" and we "get burnt"
at times while playing the game. This is just an illusion; of course we cannot hold the sun in our hands but we present the illusion of holding it without the real consequences. What are YOU holding onto?

Closer to my future than ever before

It is a bit whimsical but then again, this is the start of a New Year and we are permitted to wax nostalgic and whimsy if we like. I used to think, so many years ago, that my "future" was "somewhere out there" but maybe it is because I am becoming wiser with my years that my future "seems closer than ever before". Do you remember when you would ask yourself "What will I study in college?", "What do I want to do for a living?", "What kind of person do I want to spend the rest of my life with?". I am sure that we have all had similar questions.


Did we ever STOP to ask ourselves "What will I do TODAY that will affect me the REST of my life?", "What choices do I need to make TODAY to KEEP me on the path that I want to be on?", "Who should I allow in my "inner circle" and how will I establish healthy boundaries TODAY that will open my life up to abuse and unhealthy relationships?". See? Our future is MUCH closer than we have previously thought.

Walking into full color...

Do you remember the magical moment in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy opened the door to their drab black and white tornado blown house into the full colorful land of Oz? I can still remember the first time that I experienced the awe of that magical moment and so many times afterwards I still felt a rush of joy and excitement in the anticipation that Dorothy "isn't in Kansas anymore" and has a full color adventure ahead of her.
 

In many ways, living in an abusive, unloving marriage is very much like living a "black and white" existence.

Making our lives count

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon (1940 - 1980), "Beautiful Boy"

I enjoy a good movie. One of my favorite movies with Richard Dreyfuss is "Mr. Holland's Opus"(1995).  The above quote was taken from the movie; a very poignant and touching look at REAL life and if you haven't seen it I would like to HIGHLY recommend it to you. As in real life, the movie takes Mr. Glenn Holland from his young adulthood right out of college to his retirement from being a school music teacher; not the famous career that he had hoped for all of his life. It is as though Mr. Holland was always "working on his Opus" and not until the end of the story, (not a spoiler, don't worry), does he begin to realize that the journey WAS the life that he wanted all along and the destination was not the prize that he was truly seeking. 

 Life's a journey, not a destination.

 Steven Tyler

                                                                                                                                                  (NOW; THIS is a spoiler warning; one of the LAST scenes of the movie)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

"Adult Gertrude Lang:
Mr. Holland had a profound influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn't rich and he isn't famous, at least not outside of our little town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that he's achieved a success far beyond riches and fame. Look around you. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched, and each of us is a better person because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We are the melodies and the notes of your opus.  
We are the music of your life.  

   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  

We have heard that "life is what we make it". It doesn't have to be something that "happens to us", we can intentionally enjoy the daily journey of living, loving and growing and if perchance we "don't quite make our destination", we will be happy knowing that we have enjoyed the journey. It is like being on an Autumn road trip; sometimes it doesn't matter where you are going as long as you are enjoying the scenery along the way.

 

If we "don't' quite make the destination" that we had initially planned, hopefully we can look back on our lives and and say "that was really a good ride".

When is the END really the beginning???

When it is an END to an abusive relationship and the BEGINNING of your new life.That was really an easy question for me to answer. My divorce from my covertly emotionally and verbally abusive husband became FINAL today...It may seem odd at first glance that I am THRILLED about this but if you were to understand the amount of mind-bending, heart-shattering, soul-crushing, hair-pulling and crazy-making abuse that I had lived with while married to my son's father; you would greater understand my JOY.




Have you ever had a toothache that just continued to get more painful each day? It would begin to abscess but you were unaware of what was going on beneath the surface of your gums. You only knew that it struck you with a mega jolt of agony each time you tried to chew on it. To avoid the FEAR of anticipated pain in going to the dentist, you would DENY the intensity of the torture that you were enduring and say to yourself and others "it's not so bad". You might even start limiting the kinds of foods and temperatures of the same to minimize your suffering. You might even have a good friend or maybe a spouse who would say "Oh, stop being a baby; its' only a tooth, suck it up or go to the dentist already".

Let's set this scene in a marriage that has covert, mental and verbal abuse. The toothache is VERY real but not easily seen. The pain is subtle at first and not easily located or isolated to being in "one tooth". The symptoms worsen a little more everyday; almost like that frog in the pot of water, we get used to a "little more" and learn to "deal with it". We find that certain actions on our part evoke a very painful response. We are shocked. We are fearful of confronting the "Producer of our pain" or having it more closely scrutinized to be something that we must deal with quickly for our own health. We continue to limit the many relationships that seemed to provoke hateful and controlling words and behavior. We severely minimize the joys that we have in life because we are demeaned and devalued for being unique. Finally, we come to a place where it fills our life with so much discomfort that it is hard to hide our displeasure and we are told to "endure it as a good christian should" from the one who is abusing you or "get some help" by those who have heard our complaints and exasperating cries for help. Lastly, we are seen as weak by the ones who cause us pain and by those who don't understand the invisible psychic pain of mental abuse. Our self esteems have hit rock bottom and we feel MORE than all alone. We have been abused by "the one person" that we had trusted to be loving and kind to us. We have been betrayed and are severely confused over the injustice of being blamed for another's weakensses and fears as they project them onto us. This is a DAILY way of life for the victim of abuse.

When can we say NO to abuse? When we realize that we do not deserve it-we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot change it (the abuser).

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

The most important thing for any survivor of abuse to remember is that the END of an abusive relationship is the BEGINNING of a new life. Embrace it, you deserve it.

If this rings true to your experience in marriage or relationship, I so sincerely extend my heart to you. I feel your hurt, confusion and pain. I want to give you hope that this CAN and WILL stop. Please check out the Healing from Abuse Page Tab (above blog entries)for help and support in understanding abuse and how you can deal with it. 
There is help. You are not alone.

Can a NEW YEAR bring new life?

You have heard people say that there was a "turning point" in their lives. I have had many. The most recent being when I realized that my second marriage had long since ended and that it was time to put it to rest and move on with my life. It was on New Year's Eve; 2010 when my son lying asleep on our couch and me, watching PBS and my favorite pianist Lang Lang. I turned it to one of the "New Year's Eve" countdown shows and watched and prayed and when the clock struck MIDNIGHT and the NEW YEAR began I prophesied that "this would be MY year!!!". Little did I know what TRUTH that I was declaring and decreeing into my life. There was no fanfare or pomp; just a DEEP NEED and KNOWING that "this year would be MY year". It has started off by realizing definitely that my marriage to an abusive and controlling "christian" man had ended and when he said "I have NEVER verbally abused you" I got up from his kitchen table and walked toward the door. He mumbled some sorry apology and excuse about "making me upset", I told him that I was not upset or that what he said "made me mad" and it did not make me mad but I could honestly reply that "I realize that there is NO HOPE for any relationship with you" and I meant it. From the bottom of my heart; he had controlled, lied, manipulated, betrayed confidence and defiled trust to the point of "no return".

It was just a few short weeks into the NEW YEAR that the workplace that I had been employed in for the past 10 years suffered an horrendous and tragic loss of an employee. A freak accident occurred where she fell, went into a coma and was taken off life support within a week. I realized with this tragedy that I HAD CONTROL over some part of my life even though I was still married to an abusive man and had to leave his home with our son to get away from him. As I mourned for our employee, her family and my workplace my heart was turned to my First Love. He had been on my heart and mind for over 25 years after a passionate and loving betrothal. We were not married at that time; but separated until I decided; that whether I was "still married" or not, I HAD to contact him. My heart ached to know how he was.

Apart from this; I am STILL singing a NEW song. A bit of a different song that I have sung; an old familiar song in many ways, a song of lost love and missed opportunities and HOPE that I have not felt for over 25 years.

CAN a New Year bring new life??? It can if we are willing to let go of the old one first.

Learning to live after abuse

It's been a LONG time since my last post; nearly a year. SO much has changed in my life. I have begun to learn to live again. I separated from my abusive husband in Nov. 2009, by June 2010 I was nearly convinced that his abusive ways were unchangeable and his behavior toward me, imminent and continuing. It was in August 2010; the 24th day, that I realized and "let go" of the denial of another lost marriage; the second one. The rest of 2010 was spent in personal growth and compassion toward myself and my losses. I let go.

In January 2011, I experienced an epiphany that my life is "not what it ought to have been". There was a death at my workplace of many years; a woman tragically fell and died a few days later whom I knew since my start there in 1987, I made a drastic decision. I chose to LIVE. I realized that there was a very special man. One whom I have loved since 1982 that I cried hot tears over not having seen for over 25 years while I sat at my cubicle that day.

Why do such tragedies "have to happen" to "wake us up" to what is real and important? I am singing a NEW song. I have "broken the mold" of my behavior and not only left but divorcing the abusive husband. I will soon be marrying the first love of my life; who is not only the first but the ONE and ONLY as we have reunited. There is MUCH more to this story. There is HOPE after abuse. Life CAN be good and we only need to learn how to live without the abuse in order to embrace ALL that Life has for us.