Part 2: Healing from Emotional Abuse

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

Here is Part Two of a three post series:

HEALING FROM ABUSE

I may not be formally educated and may never feel that I am qualified to give advice on HOW to heal from abuse. I have learned so much through the school of life that I feel more than qualified to share the progress that I have made on my healing journey from abuse.

I would like to add that I have learned that healing is a process; as with the proverbial peeling of an onion, each layer may cause tears but as we peel each layer away, we get closer to the "sweet spot" of the onion; a place where HEALING is.

Healing from abuse:

Learning to live after abuse

Stages of Healing

Starting over...again.

Practising good self care

Find your own voice and sing your heart song

The Power of NO

Out of the Abundance of the Heart 

Real life healing from abuse

New-Years Resolutions for abuse survivors

Living again

I love life but there have been many times in my life that I did NOT feel loved. I was being abused. I have been writing this blog from a the perspective of a "nearly fully healed" mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  
I have challenged myself to find myself, heal from abuse and dare to dream again. This blog has been part of my healing journey and I hope to "pay back" many who have helped me along the way and "pay forward" to reach out to others who have found themselves in the same place I had. 

I can relate to your pain and fear in facing the extremely difficult obstacle of denial. I had to accept many new and unwelcome things about myself before I could realize that I was living in an abusive relationship. I had a more difficult decision to make regarding HOW I would extricate myself from an abusive marriage; it just wasn't a simple task. It was scary. When we are psychically and emotionally hurt from attacks on our self esteem, especially by those who are supposed to be loving us, it can nearly destroy who we are. We can LOSE ourselves. We then are afflicted with our own negative self-talk and may try to find our way out of the pain of living a life with no happiness or resolve. We just try to find the strength and stamina to face another day with seemingly very little accomplished toward healing and living a healthy life. But through ALL of this, I have learned to HOLD ONTO HOPE that things WILL get better...and for me, they did.

Finding me was the first step to healing from abuse 

which is necessary to learn to dream again...

you can do it too.

I have been OUT of an abusive marriage for almost two years. I have found that I had been able to do many instinctively good things for myself and bravely faced the truth of the denial that I was being abused by a christian no less. I accepted the truth as I understood it and started taking care of myself; thinking that those who abuse us will NOT be taking care of us; but only using us to take care of themselves. I realized that I had been abused and carried within my mind, heart and soul, the pain and damage that abuse wields.

When I began to say NO to abuse, 

say YES to me 

I felt free to DREAM AGAIN...

Closer to my future than ever before

It is a bit whimsical but then again, this is the start of a New Year and we are permitted to wax nostalgic and whimsy if we like. I used to think, so many years ago, that my "future" was "somewhere out there" but maybe it is because I am becoming wiser with my years that my future "seems closer than ever before". Do you remember when you would ask yourself "What will I study in college?", "What do I want to do for a living?", "What kind of person do I want to spend the rest of my life with?". I am sure that we have all had similar questions.


Did we ever STOP to ask ourselves "What will I do TODAY that will affect me the REST of my life?", "What choices do I need to make TODAY to KEEP me on the path that I want to be on?", "Who should I allow in my "inner circle" and how will I establish healthy boundaries TODAY that will open my life up to abuse and unhealthy relationships?". See? Our future is MUCH closer than we have previously thought.

One step at a time

Life can become SO overwhelming that we just stop doing what we really enjoy doing and end up "numbing out" either in front of the TV or some other recreation. Progress of healing TAKES TIME and patience. If anyone is WORTH our time and patience, it is ourselves!
At our most desperate moments; we may not be able to envision freedom from all we've experienced... 


but we ARE worth trying!!!

Healing thought

I have recently quoted myself as saying: 

I will not treat myself LESS than I deserve 

to give him (an abuser) MUCH MORE than he deserves.

I thought that this was a pretty insightful thought. I HAD allowed myself to have and enjoy FAR LESS than I deserved only to give MUCH MORE of myself, my life and my resources to a "taker" who did NOT deserve it.  

  

Setting boundaries in an abusive relationship usually heralds praises of "how strong" we are to have "made the decision" to stand up for ourselves. But I did not feel strong enough to make that decision until I became stronger BY making the decision to live an abuse free live; one of peace and love which not only myself but every person deserves to live.

I had come to realize that the PAIN OF STAYING in the relationship was GREATER than the fear of leaving it and living my life as I believe it "should be" lived.   

When the PAIN (of staying) is greater than the FEAR (of and in leaving), 

you will BE stronger than you think!

I have made a choice to live my life according to my values and conscience and not be controlled, manipulated and disrespected by anyone. I am hoping that you will find that place in your heart and mind if you are seeking to be free from abuse in your life. 

You ARE stronger than you think. YOUR LIFE CAN BE what you want it to be...

just do it!

It really is up to me...taking personal responsibility

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better 

And that has made all the difference

The poetry of Robert Frost has always spoken loudly of the human will and spirit and there has never been a poem that has impacted me as The Road Not Taken. I can actually "remember" standing at the crossroads of my life; looking down each path that lay ahead of me and asked myself,  "am I making the RIGHT decision?". I could see how someone who had gone before me might take a certain path but then I wondered; if in my life, that the other path might be better suited for me. All in all, I reason it out that we can take either path in life; of the two paths that lie before us, we do not have to worry about "taking the wrong one".

Speaking from personal experience as a survivor of verbal and emotional abuse, I can say with confidence that the path of abuse cannot be foreseen and necessarily sidetracked any more easily than we can peer down either of the roads given to us to choose from in Frost's poem. We cannot foresee what lies ahead for us in a relationship using only our eyes. We need to employ our full senses of touch, smell, taste and hearing as well as intuition in all of our relationships. The strongest sense that we have is called common sense; and if it doesn't "feel right" it probably isn't. Fear always threatens to take over our decision making but we can all find the courage needed to take the road less travelled that will make ALL the difference in our lives.

The Road Not Taken read by Robert Frost; poet.

Listen to "The Road Not Taken"; choir and orchestra

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

Forging a new path for my life

I am a writer. Not a writer "wanna be" but a writer of an awesome TRUE story. I am currently writing our love story, a "Back to OUR Future" love story of the 80's rekindled and reunited in 2011. Do you remember the "Back to the Future" movie? Well, it was made a little more personal for me when I met and fell in love with my G. He and his family had a few of these cars I had the opportunity to ride in several of them. It was "funny" to see them on a screen in a movie about "going BACK to the future"...little did I know that BACK to the future is exactly what we would be doing almost 30 years in the future of that time.

My life started out in college with falling in love with G. We were known as "G. and D." everywhere we went. We went to classes together until he transferred to another college which offered his educational preference of Veterinary medicine. He was always so insightful and sensitive and caring to animals, as well as people and stated that he "preferred animals over people" for the most part. We were still nearly inseparable with talking on the "land phone" (prior to "cells" and internet) and I would take the Greyhound to see him on weekends. Our lives had changed. Our paths had diverged and we were missing each other. Life seemed to "get in the way" and family and obligations seemed to "squelch out" time that we wanted to spend together. I was very close to graduating from college with my degree and was ready to "stop going to college" and enter the "real world" when tragedy occurred. We broke up. The dreams for a life together seemed to die. We went on different paths; each trying to convince ourselves that we could and would live without each other. "Life is suppose to suck anyways", G had said. Two marriages and divorces for each of us; no children for him; one child and one stillbirth for me and over 25 years later, I went off the path that my life had taken and wanted to merge paths with my Love.

I was working in healthcare since college and sitting at my desk one day; after over a year separation and several month decision to divorce my then current husband and call an attorney for counsel when we had a tragedy occur. A coworkeer died suddenly. Carol was a fun loving person, had a great family and everyone liked her. She enjoyed her work and I had just talked to her one day and find out that it was the last time that I saw her alive. She had died over the weekend and they were preparing for her funeral. Tragedy. It turned my mind to the loss that I had experienced in my life and G. I missed him so much. How have I "lived" over 25 years without him and would I be willing to live the rest of my life without him without even trying to reach him. My answer was a resounding NO. I could "see the trees for the forest" of tragedy in my life; beginning with G's and my tragedy of a lost love. It think of Robert Frost's poem, "The road not taken".

The Road not taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


In verse three; we see our poet "had kept the first for another day" and "doubted" if he "should ever come back" to this path. This is how I felt with G and my relationship. It haunted me yet I felt that our love was not dead but longingly sought me until I would "come back to the path".

In the last verse, "I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference" is the path that I am now forging. A new path. Not the same path that we were on together in ways and yet in some ways, it is the same path as then; only a different place in the woods.

To be able to see the "forest for the trees" was what needed to be done to see the love lost as being "the road not taken" as one that I had to return to. I needed for forge a new path for my life and a familiar old one, 25 years old or more, has "made all the difference".