Our changing times

Autumn is really beginning here 

in the Northeast USA 

where the tree tops dance 

with glimmering slight yellow, 

red or orange flames along the 

Blue Ridge Parkway.  

As much as we would like to believe that all change will this pleasing to look at; we have known from experience that change is often HARD and sometimes, absurdly purposeless or at least it appears to be on the surface. 

I love the mountains. Though they seem to be constantly visible, they are constantly in flux or periods of change that is too subtle for the human vision until Autumn arrives. 

I can say that I have healed from years of verbal, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse. I see relationships and people more clearly, truly and accept the truth of what they are and who they are like I have never been able to discern before. I feel very much at peace with who I am and find that EVERYONE who has been where I have been can BE where I am now...happy and healed.

We have a closed group for women only (sorry guys) called Healing and Hopeful (women preparing for healthy relationship after abuse). Please look for us on Facebook at: 

 https://www.facebook.com/groups/healingandhopeful/

We are changing and growing everyday. We are no longer accused by an abuser to "have changed on them" when we would no longer allow their abuse in our lives. We have always been growing, maturing, "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

Will you challenge your perspective on change today? 
Are you seeing your life from the mountaintop 
or are you stuck in the valley?

Isn't it time to take good care of yourself 
and look forward to "singing a new song" in your life? 
I think so.

I have done it and so can you...

Wishing you love and peace today my friend,
D 
Singing a New Song: 
https://www.facebook.com/Newsong4him

and 
Healing and Hopeful (closed group for women) 

Reflecting beauty, mirroring pain

Autumn inspires me. Whenever I feel a need for a glimpse or "pinch" of inspiration, a beautiful Autumn scene always seems to spark something within me. I remember spending hours upon hours among the fragrant, crackling leaves underneath my foot step. The smell of the leaves and the crispness of the air, invigorates me. 

As I looked at this beautiful scene; a photograph taken by a very talented photographer, obviously, but sadly was not credited with the display, I was overwhelmed with the reflection of the beauty so magically caught in this image. I began to meditate that OUR beauty is also reflected; maybe we are just as unaware of revealing it to the world as these gorgeous leaved trees. Wonderfully, I seem to sense that the reflection enhances the color; not detract from it. 

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

But you are eternity and your are the mirror.

~ Kahlil Gibran(1883 - 1931) ~

After reveling in the sublime beauty of this image and its dramatic reflection, I turned my focus inwardly. I asked myself, "I wonder if my ugliness is magnified or reflected in my life in the same way that my beauty is shown to the world." The thought horrified me for a moment until I realized that it might only be the ugliness that I was not aware of;  or that I was not willing to face. Maybe the only ugliness that would be so boldly presented to the world would be the PAIN and ugliness that I chose to deny. I can see that whenever I may have chosen to live in delusion as "not having a problem" or refused to face the reality of abuse; that I was really trying to "hide from my pain" and keep it hidden from myself, that maybe it was not hidden from the world.

Gazing back upon the reflection of beauty of this image, although it truly is much more pleasant to gaze upon, maybe we can see the beauty as being reflected as a "reward" of sorts for the hard work of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". Then just maybe, we won't ever have to worry about any "hidden pain" and can look forward to seeing ourselves; our true selves, as beautiful as what we were truly meant to be. 

The foundation of healing

Starting over is something that we must do to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Instead of embarking on a new adventure, we may feel that we have failed and have to "start again". That's when we need to find a "new song".

I remember saying to myself, "I want my old life back" but after much thought, I realized that my old life is what got me into an abusive relationship with a christian man whom I assumed would be respectful, loving and caring. My "old life" was one of dependence upon others, by choice, in trusting one who proved to be unworthy of my trust. I had an epiphany and vision of sorts, before I even began my healing journey. Sometimes, we may need to admit to ourselves, that "letting go" of the life that we are living and embracing a NEW life; one that does not necessarily try to hold onto to all or many of the elements of the damaged and abusive life that we endured, that it is time to find a new song to sing and stop trying to fix the old one. 

I remember being at a "deep healing" place in my life when I "needed to place bricks" (dislodged or misplaced) parts of my life, in the "road of my life" so that if I would ever need to walk over the same place again, they would be placed "squarely" so that I would not stumble over them. I likened the bricks to "tying each knot" and leaving no lose ends in the relationship/marriage so I could move on with my life. It might have been many years later that I began to understand, that I did not understand that I didn't understand so much about myself. 

I then started to believe that I wanted a NEW life. 

I wanted a life where I would be able to be freely me and to follow my dreams without hindrance. All in all, setting a GOOD foundation for my life; based upon truth and self-knowledge was where my healing could find a home and I could move on to invite peace into my life and world. 

My healing truly started with seeing "my brick road" before me, as a vision of the foundation for the healing path that I would safely and successfully travel the rest of my life.

In Between

It is in between Summer and Autumn here in the Northeast United States. It is a time of cooling winds and less scorching days. It is a time of quieter neighborhoods as children have returned to school. It is a time that mother's meander in the shopping malls and grocery stores without the pulling and tugging of little ones of school age or the older whining of the young adult “tweeners” as they get in their daily complaint of why their electronic device is outdated and needs to be replaced. It is in between the heat and the cooling of the Earth. The change of the seasons is upon us and we are waiting, anticipating the various colors and hues that make Autumn the most beautiful season any where in the world.

We are in between the past and the future. In this past month, we commemorated the terrorist attack that ravaged our homeland twelve years ago. We want to leave the past in the past but have to remember so it doesn't happen again. If we forget the past; we are doomed to repeat it. The past is not far enough in the past for me. Ten years is not long enough to wipe the horrific scenes from my mind and heart that were seared into them on that day and the many days to follow.

We are in between peace and war. Every day, we are reminded that we do not live in a peaceful world. We look back upon our childhoods and think that we had National peace at that time. The Cold War in Russia; the Korean War or police action in Vietnam. These were not our wars but we were involved in them to keep the peace here in the United States. We feigned peace in our lives when the brink of war loomed over our heads. We tried to hide our heads in the sand and turn our eyes away from the truth that there is NO peace anywhere; lack of war is NOT peace.

We are in between truth and untruth. We claim to know the truth; that the truth will set us free but we more live in the lie that we have the truth than have the truth that obliterates lies altogether. The truth is claimed to be absolute by those who will hold onto it and defend their behavior and justify their abuse with their truth. The truth; the real truth, does not justify dark deeds but brings all deeds into the light to determine if they be of the truth or not. We live in an age of deception. The truth is a lie. As in the book by George Orwell, 1984, we use “newspeak” and are convicted of “thought crimes”. The line of truth and untruth is fading and eroding and we try to cling onto the truth for truth's sake and even for our own sake. Our sanity requires an hold onto the truth as we see it.

We are in between life and death. Some would say that as long as we are alive; we live. I disagree. I believe I know many people who have lived and only existed rather than truly lived a life. I would say that they might even have clung onto death; death of dreams, death of hope and death of all that they ever desired or longed for and only lived in this life in a partial way. They lived while they died instead of living UNTIL they died. Life is precious. To not live our lives, is to accept death before its time in our lives. My parents, bless their hearts, in my opinion, did not fully live out their lives and enjoy them as I would have hoped for them or myself. Oh, they reproduced themselves; three times. My brother, myself and my sister and several grandchildren; were my parents' accomplishments in their lives. They worked, they loved and some would say that they lived. I say that they hung onto life but did not swing with it. They did not let the breeze take them to new realms or fly over mountainous lands and deep seas. Their imaginations had no room to play but in the backyard where we played wiffle ball and yard jarts and was tolerated with our childish banter and joyfulness. They sat inside; reading the news on the printed page and writing bills and preparing meals. There seemed to be little joy in their lives. Some would say that they were raising a family but I believe that they were in between life and death and didn't know that by clinging to death and the expected end even in their desperate denial of their own mortality, they were denying the life source and force that could have changed their morbid existence into real living.

We are in between our heads and our hearts. We still have the hope and personal opportunity to take these in between times and make the most of them. We don't have to believe what we have always believed because someone else said so or passed a law that it should be done that way. We have more than our minds to guide our paths. We have hearts that must be engaged in this life if it is to be fully lived. Our heads only get in the way and leave us in the summer, the past, the fake peace, the truth that we do not see or the life that we can only hope to live. Our hearts are the connections between what is seen and what is unseen. To believe with the mind is to accept what others perceive without personal conviction. To believe with the heart, bridges the in between parts of our lives and fills it with meaningful, loving and life giving hope to step out of what we are in and move to where we ought to be.

Are you "in-between"??? At times, we all are. 

When is a dream worth dreaming?

But if not for being impossible; 

would it be a dream worth dreaming???

A thought about dreams came to me while I was writing my blog. I was writing about “having dreams” and really digging deeply into what having a dream really means. I couldn't help but ask myself that if it were NOT impossible, then would it be a dream worth dreaming? 

If my “dream” would be possible, would it be a dream at all or maybe it would be a misguided goal or a hope that doesn't even come close to reality. Maybe the nature of a dream implies that it is NOT possible and thus to dream our life away as the Everly Brothers sang in “All I have to do is dream” is an accurate statement. I was dreaming my life away as I pined for my Love. I would think of the love that I shared with him; the “strong bond that we knew” as I wrote in the song “To see you once again”. How could it be so impossible to love him again and forever if we had such a wonderful love in the beginning. HOW could it be so impossible and why would I dream of it rather than plan on seeing him again. I would dream of looking deeply into his eyes; throwing my arms around him and feeling his strong arms about me. In my dreamlike state I would feel the hot, moist eager mouth as his lips and mine pressed together in passionate union and I would think of and feel many other bodily sensations and responses to his touch and presence. How could it be so impossible if it existed at one time; couldn't it exist again and forever?

Dreams are something that can play with the mind. They are surreal and who knows how crazy they seem to others but to us; they are as real as waking up in the morning. They motivate us to get out of bed and slide into some decent clothes and go to work. They prompt us to evaluate every relationship that we have only to find that none of them come close to the one that we dream about. We are not looking at it with “rose colored glasses” and forgetting the rough spots that we ran into ourselves along the way and the pain of the separation that only time can heal. We see our lives in the light and scrutiny of the dreams that we hold in our hearts. The dreams become the magnifying glass of our intentions and the filter by which the words that we use on a daily basis are chosen to reflect the plastic life that we have chosen over our dreams. Our dreams can appear more than real to us while living in a state of denial or constant insistence that the life that we are living is the only one that is available to us. Why would we tempt ourselves to believe that life could be better? Why not just accept the fact that life is what it is and it will always be what we have made it to this day and that we should put away those “childish” dreams and work with what we have. 

Reality is not what it is so cracked up to be. I mean, really, does anyone expect us to live lives that are so miserable just because they are the ones who are afraid to dream? Maybe they think that we are as afraid of dreaming as they are; afraid of dreaming a dream that is so impossible that to consider it would peel back and uncover their layers of discontent with their lives. To dream is to not be afraid of the truth of our lives. I think that I can say and believe that if we are afraid of dreaming, we are denying the truth of the miserable existent that we have created. We have sacrificed our right to dream at the altar of a mediocre life. We have bludgeoned our imaginations in hopes that we will not have to face the defeat of our free wills to live as we would really like to live.

“To live a life worth living” is a cliché of clichés that has come to mean even less than the cliché had originally intended. Does anyone “live a life worth living?” If everyone “lived a life worth living” then tell me why there are so many dreamers; so many discontent and discouraged people in mid-life crisis who look at their lives and say “this isn't my life”?

I have stood and faced myself in the mirror many times; shaking my head in unbelief as to the life that I have acquiesced into living. I asked myself “how did I get HERE?”. “How do I get out of this mess and live a “life worth living?” “Isn't it too late to start over?” I would feel my spirit weakened and collapse under the inquisition and sadly admit: “Who am I trying to fool, I don't have a hope to live a life that I could only dream of”. The saddest part of this statement is that I was the one fooling myself that I could life a life worth living while living in misery and want. Oh, I don't mean that I was so miserable and wanted so much that I would never be happy while being in that place; no, it was more like I was miserable and wanted so much APART from what my life consisted of that I was dreaming of being so far away, like somewhere “over the rainbow”. Even Dorothy caught a glimpse of some wonderful land “beyond where the blue birds fly” while she was living in the black and white Dust bowl infected land of Kansas on the dismal farm with the ordinary characters found in an ordinary life.

As I evaluated the realness of my life; 

I fell into despair knowing what I was living in 

and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. 

I had nothing to lose. 

In my mind, it could "get no worse" 

and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; 

I would be no WORSE off than living without it.

Dreaming goes beyond what we can imagine. Dreaming is daring to want something that you can't even see and needing something that you can no longer live without. If but not for it being impossible, it would not be a dream worth dreaming.

Change is beautiful

There is no greater time to start believing that change is beautiful than during the Autumn Season. Change is part of life; it is the necessary recording of time that gives life a certain "je ne sais quoi". 


It seems to me that change must seem much easier to accept when we were children. We did not have to worry about consequences and payments, time restraints and commitments  Our only commitment was to "have fun growing up" and change was just part of it all, especially in our bodies with the "growing pains" that we endured. Even those growing pains, though big to us at the time, seem like little nuisances now in comparison to our adult problems. 

Why does "change" sometimes brings with it, a sense of hesitation or dread? I propose that it is the change that we feel very little influence or control over that we fear or dread the most. When we are in charge of the change, when we have the power and plan to proceed with making even deep, inner changes, we have confidence that we can succeed. But when change is cast upon us, thrust upon us, thrown at us in such a way that it obviously conflicts with everything that we have previously believed, it causes much cognitive dissonance... confusion in our thoughts.  From Wikipedia: Cognitive dissonance is the distressing mental state that people feel when they "find themselves doing things that don't fit with what they know, or having opinions that do not fit with other opinions they hold." Change can be beautiful, even when it comes with the pain of having to change our thoughts in order to accept and live with the results that change has left in our lives.

Next time you look at a leaf, fallen from a tree, beautiful changed in color from the green, chlorophyll rich leaves of spring and summer, just think of it as a "seasonal change" in the life of the leaf. It is natural and to us, it can be very beautiful. We can even think of ourselves, as a leaf, constantly changing and yes, getting older and naturally aging. Embrace the change you may not be able to "alter" to any great degree...it is life. Change may be hard at first, but realize that life is good and can only be made better by "going with the flow of change" rather than fighting against it.

Between Seasons

Why does "this time of year" seem to be so hard for many people; especially those who experience loss, grief and on the healing journey from abuse?

1) The change of seasons create a CHANGE in our bodies and minds: our metabolism; heat making and heat distribution, carbohydrate metabolism and appetite and desires for more carbohydrate rich foods change slowely but surely. We seek "comfort foods", hot beverages and starches that "make us feel better" and raise our serotonin levels which are quickly depleted by decreased sunlight. So there are many physical and physiological as well as psychological reasons for the increeased stress at the "change of seasons"...especially from Autumn to Winter. 

2) The visual stimuli can become depressing as once colorful leaves turn brown and fall to the ground leaving bare trees. VISUALLY, we see change as a negative and even "dying".  

3) I have found it to be true for myself and so many others, that once memorable holidays with loved ones; bring the reality of LOSS and GRIEF as our loved ones who once gathered around the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve Dinner tables and are no longer with us.  

So for all of us- Those of us who are healing from abuse, those dealing with the loss and pain of grief from a loved one who is no longer with us or those who physically feel significant symptoms of depression (SAD) from Seasonal Affective Disorder from decreased sunlight or may be even few, hopefully, who are dealing with ALL of these simultaneously---THERE IS HOPE...this season WILL pass...in the meantime...

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF...YOU ARE REALLY WORTH IT!!! 

Find YOUR SONG and sing it!!!

Singing a New Song: 

title of this blog and the passion of my life.

I have sung many "songs" in my life and feel that I have lived many"lives" through much distress and abuse. I have not known the great love and peace that many say exists but I sought after it anyways. I realized that my road of emotional, mental and spiritual healing started with "finding me"; establishing peace within myself so I could  "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again". 

Are you happy?

Change. 

It is a hard thing to face. 

It can come to us simply disguised as a very simple question like 

"Are you happy?". 

If we are very honest with ourselves, 

and truly, we truly need to be totally honest with ourselves,

we will face the fears of knowing the truth, we will survive it,

and then we will have the single most powerful weapon in the universe, 

Truth. The most needed element of happiness.

Part 2: Healing from Emotional Abuse

As my Personal Note of Welcome to my blog says:

I realize that my writing is not for everyone; 

it is for the HURT and the HOPEFUL; 

for those who want to "find themselves" 

and learn to DREAM AGAIN! 

Here is Part Two of a three post series:

HEALING FROM ABUSE

I may not be formally educated and may never feel that I am qualified to give advice on HOW to heal from abuse. I have learned so much through the school of life that I feel more than qualified to share the progress that I have made on my healing journey from abuse.

I would like to add that I have learned that healing is a process; as with the proverbial peeling of an onion, each layer may cause tears but as we peel each layer away, we get closer to the "sweet spot" of the onion; a place where HEALING is.

Healing from abuse:

Learning to live after abuse

Stages of Healing

Starting over...again.

Practising good self care

Find your own voice and sing your heart song

The Power of NO

Out of the Abundance of the Heart 

Real life healing from abuse

New-Years Resolutions for abuse survivors

Starting on the inside...

 

It is NOT uncommon to expect and receive
kindness or respect from others; except when 

you're in relationship with an abusive person. 

We look on the outside of ourselves to
find validation, praise and encouragement and we may find it in some places, but we are not likely to find them in a domestically abusive relationship. 

We usually can trust another person to not harm us, 

to wish us well and to hope for the best for us; unless we are married to or in relationship with an abuser. 

In an abusive relationship; 
the things that should be healthy, are not.

It really is up to me...taking personal responsibility

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better 

Ode to Autumn

Autumn is here. A time of real visible change is upon us. The change of Autumn leaves in the North-east. It just has to be one of the most spectacular visions that our eyes can behold; at least in my opinion. I was born in Ohio; one of the many states that has "all four seasons" which are pretty fairly distributed. Of course,  I believe there is TOO much Winter and a too little Spring, Summer can be WAY TOO hot but sometimes, Autumn can be JUST right. What a beautiful Season.




Watching the changing seasons seems to be a somewhat sad yet almost exhilarating experience. Why don't we have the same promise of beauty with change in our lives?  We all go through "seasons" in our lives and I guess I am experiencing a Winter of sorts after my mom's passing. I feel that things are "frozen over"  but the buds of life are beneath a thick blanket of snow; being preserved for the Spring.
 

We can still see the long shadows being cast by the summer-like sun through the colorful trees.  We remember the previous Seasons but somehow we stop and enjoy this one. While the Earth is coming to a rest, we pause to appreciate the change, we take time to look and enjoy it. I only hope that change could be so beautiful in our lives.

 

I fell in love with a young man in the Autumn of 1981, thirty years ago. We enjoyed several beautiful  Autumns together. The Autumn of 1985 was abruptly and harshly interrupted by life's chaos and destruction. The Winters that began in 1985 through 2010 were more like one VERY LONG Winter. Yet, to this day,  Autumn has always been and STILL is my, our favorite Season. We met again in the Spring; almost poetic reunion and will enjoy our first Autumn together in twenty-six years.

Enjoy this Autumn in your life. Embrace change and welcome the new phase that is being brought to you. Enjoy it for "what it is" and do not dread what it "will become". Breathe in each sweet new fragrance as if it is for the very first time. Go ahead and jump in a pile of newly raked or blown leaves. Feel the crispness of the Autumn breeze on your cheeks and warmth of the cooling sun upon your face. Hear the leaves laugh as they drift down and join them in a chuckle and a smile.

Happy Autumn

Change: is it good?

Change seems to be one of those words that tend to be either avoided or embraced. Like pickled herring, you either like it or you don't.  The only change that I feel up to dealing with on most days is the change that goes jingle tingle in my pocket and that can be annoying enough. The change that we face in our lives can bring a lot of good things; but for the most part we tend to think that change is something that we have to do. I have learned that "change" is something that happens whether we want it or not and HOW we choose to react to it will bring either good or bad experiences with it...I think this following quote; a twist on the Serenity Prayer sums up "change" nicely.

 

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the people I cannot change, 

the courage to change the one I can, 

and the wisdom to know it's me.  

~Author Unknown

Can I change me? Maybe I can change how I respond to situations and in that, I am changing my behavior rather than my essence. Rather than hoping for my circumstances to change, I can work on how I perceive and deal with them instead. I can say that I have never had many conscious thoughts that I had to change who I was. Most of the time, I realize, that I needed to consciously decide how to respond and trust that my reactions could positively affect the situations that I was facing.

Negative change required me to move (relocate my home and take all my stuff) five times in less than eight years. I was living in an abusive marriage and it did NOT change. I lost many priceless and precious possessions during these times. At times, I feel as if I have lost so much of my life.

In the past two years, I have accepted and even welcomed change that I had only hoped would be good for me and my son. I started this period of my life while living in my abusive marriage while taking my parents in with us; myself and son with my abusive husband and his daughter while I cared for my family and worked full time. 

My parents moved out and I moved out a few months later which was a big change for me; a welcome and much needed change. I took care of my own finances for my son and myself. and while living apart from abuse, I worked diligently on my own healing and found that I really enjoyed my life. 

I refused abuse and in the following three months I did not have much contact with my soon to be ex husband and his daughter. 

A few months later, I re-established communication between my son and I with his father and we began "talking". We even went on vacation out of state, together.  

As few more months went by, his abuse ensued. I no longer opened my home to him.  

In the following 4 months, we had minimal contact while I was healing even more. 

In August 2010, I gave him "one last chance" to eliminate abuse from our marriage and relationship but he refused to admit that he had been verbally abusive toward me.  The "last chance" came and went in a fury of denial while I offered a calm, cool "thank you for coming" as I escorted him for the last time out of my home. 

Minimal contact occurred for the following four months while he incessantly sent a barrage of verbally abusive and controlling emails that deserved NO response. 

My resolve to end this charade of a marriage in divorce was at an all time high. It was January 2011 by this time and I contacted a lawyer; met with her and proceeded in getting legal counsel to end this abusive marriage. More change came. My workplace suffered a tragic death of an employee whom I had personally known for over 23 years. My life changed at that moment. I was faced with a truth that would change my world forever. I would no longer just think about my first love but I would change how I would respond to his memory by contacting him. I knew that death could separate us forever and I was not willing for that kind of change to occur in my life. 

In the past five months, I resigned from my employment of 23 years and relocated to live with my "first love" and continue divorce proceedings. I so look forward to the biggest change in my life; marrying my "first love" soon.

If these ramblings haven't made you totally dizzy; I apologize if they have, we can take hope that change doesn't have to be an unwelcome guest or disruptive visitor. We can stop and say to ourselves "change is good" and how and what I do with the change in my life can bring about good things. We can even learn to say "I like change". 

For me, coming out of a life of abuse and into "my life" is a good change that I am very happy to live with for the rest of my life.