Do you THINK?

When we are LOST; to have a thought, time to ourselves and an opportunity to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" is the best thing to do for ourselves and others.   

In the midst of my greatest pain from abuse and my head and heart reeling from betrayal and abuse, I THOUGHT and purposely chose to THINK about my life and what I need to do to get out of this messed up situation and "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

If you are healing from abuse and still have questions about IF what you experience, actually is abuse, please carefully read the resources that I have copied and pasted for you. The source url is included.

Please do NOT be afraid of the TRUTH...it may not be pleasant but it is ONLY THROUGH ACCEPTING TRUTH, can HEALING come into our lives. 

I wish you PEACE, my dear one...you really ARE worth it!!!

Characteristics of Abusers

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others.
• Destroys your property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will.
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
• May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

Battered and Abused Men:

Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.


Are you abused?  Does the person you love…

• "Track" all of your time?
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Criticize you for little things?
• Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
• Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
• Humiliate you in front of others?
• Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
• Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
• Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

Below is a list of things a man can do to help himself:

• Tell friends he trusts.
• Make safety arrangements such as:
  • Leaving the relationship;
  • Finding a safe place to go; and
  • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
• Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
  • Talk to a worker;
  • Find out about his legal rights
  • See a counselor 
• Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
• Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
• Phone 911 when they becomes physically abusive.

Abuse Checklists:

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

• Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
• Feel you can't live without him/her.
• Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
• Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
• Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
• Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
• Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
• Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
• Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
• Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
• Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
• Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
• Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

http://www.ilrctbay.com/upload/custom/abuse/content/abusers.htm

The Gift

When you lose something in your life, stop thinking it's a loss for you...

it is a GIFT you have been given 

so you can get on the right path 

to where you are meant to go, 

not to where you think you should have gone.

~ Suze Orman ~

Have you embraced LOSS in your life? I have. I have welcomed loss and embraced the greater opportunities that I NOW have after having "received loss" in my life. It sounds like a contradiction in terms or paradox but we CAN receive loss...and I have received many losses and view them in my life as a GIFT.

I lost both parents to death; 15 months apart. They had lived full lives and I had the privilege of caring for them for the majority of the last 5 years of their lives as their health declined and lives came to an end. I am so thankful to have had good parents. I miss them of course, but I realize that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". In some strange way, this thought brings me much consolation and peace.

I have known, loved and lost to death several wonderful people of note in my life. Family members: My Grandmother, Great Uncles, Aunts and cousins. Neighbors: Mrs. Breyer's; the first Akron Police Deparment woman officer. Richard "Pa" Weldon; a beloved school choir director, church choral director and friend. Papa Max. An Lithuanian Holocaust Survivor; a very intelligent and loving man. Jeri Rhinehart. My music friend and opera aficionado whom I enjoyed watching and attending operas. There are so many others but these are at the TOP of my all important people in my life whom I have lost to death. I have been so blessed to have known these dear people of substance and authenticity. They ADDED so much to my life. I have to smile when I think of them; sometimes with an appreciative tear in my eye for all the beauty and love they brought to my life.

I have had several wonderful pets including several dogs, a few of them were just puppies, and even a feline and a few feathered friends. I will hold wonderful memories of fun in the sun at the dog park, providing dance music for my bird friends, and having the ability to nurturing an older "scaredy" cat who had been so neglected. I love animals and so appreciate having them in my life. The ones who may still remain alive, have lost a mother in many ways and the love of a special child who truly cared for them. I enjoyed making "Frosty Paw" treats and treating kitty to some "kitty pot". My most wonderful memory of a feathered friend occurred only a few days before my departure. A beautiful Blue and Gold Macaw, quite bright and supposedly a "one person" bird; blessed me with the privilege of allowing me to take her out of her cage without any attempt to bite or peck at me. She sat sweetly and happily on my hand without climbing up on my shoulder in a dominating stance then allowed me to pet her and kiss her on the beak before returning her to her cage. I supposed she had "made me her person". 

I have had so many valuable; albeit many more of sentimental rather than monetary valued possessions. I can say that I think that I have given away more of my belongings that what I have owned; which sounds absurd but that is certainly how it has felt. Maybe I wasn't their owner but perhaps I was just borrowing them for a time. They are all just things and I don't hold onto things or people if they don't ADD something to my life. 

I have not accumulated or hoarded things as a recluse or one who needs the security of things to have some peace in life. I have found peace in letting go of things. I have FREED myself from the prison of wanting something that I no longer own or enjoy. I do not have to "have them" to be happy. I am very happy and will continue to be happy without them...the things and persons will forever remain in my past. They are no longer a part of my life. I can SMILE about that. I have enjoyed them and let them go. 

I am free to embrace the moment; enjoy each day with new relationships; love, interests and hobbies that provide many more wonderful memories. 
As far as looking somewhere over the rainbow for happiness; I have found that I feel much like Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz who said: 

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, 

I won't look any further than my own back yard. 

Because if it isn't there, 

I never really lost it to begin with! 

Is that right? "

Maybe like me, you will hopefully discover that YOU are the person whom someone else has LOST due to neglect, abuse, unloving behavior who was a person who just wasn't worthy of you in their lives. 

Those who are worthy of your love, 

will keep and honor your love, 

not lose it. 

We may feel that we were foolish for loving or trusting something that was taken from us when actually, we are the most blessed people of them all.  But really, they DON'T MATTER TO US anymore. We are free to focus on things and persons who bring WORTH and JOY into our lives. We can be happy with ourselves even if we lose everything and everyone who once meant anything to us.... The ONLY thing that we truly need is ourselves.

We may feel that we have lost so much in our lives but We HAVE SO MUCH MORE than we have ever lost. Just hold onto memories that bring you joy; the rest doesn't matter at all. 
You have yourself, the GREATEST GIFT that anyone can have.

Trust yourself, then you will know how to live. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

Our inability to trust others 

is not the worst thing that can happen. 

Even when we have no one else whom we can trust, 

we CAN trust ourselves.

Have you heard someone say to you in an accusatory tone "You don't trust me"...and when we stop and think about this, they may be telling the truth and there may be good reason for it. Just because we love someone does NOT mean that they are worthy of our trust as well. In abusive situations, we find that the inability to reasonably trust a "loved one" because of their abusive behavior is often turned on ourselves. We are "accused" of not trusting them while we second guess who we are and doubt our own feelings and perceptions rather than to just accept that the relationship with that "special someone" is so painful.

Even before we begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again", we hear "you need to trust yourself" over and over again. Being that we had trusted a person who had seemingly abused us, we may feel that our choice of trusting others also includes our own ability to trust ourselves. THIS is one of they greatest abuses inflicted upon an abuse victim and abuse survivor. We don't even KNOW that we are able to trust our own thoughts and feelings because they were "taken over" and controlled so long ago by one who "gaslighted" or disrespected, demeaned or discounted us time and time again. 

It seems that this lack of understanding of TRUST 

and how it has been used to control us is 

one of the FIRST stepping stones 

to begin our healing journey.

I remember when I was a student in high school, I was a young woman; confident and with talent and skill to do many things but my parents and teachers for the most part, did not encourage me to do many of the things that I accomplished well "on my own". I had to be my own cheerleader. I had a few friends, especially Shelley, who was more of a visionary like myself. She wasn't afraid of "going against the flow" of what was "expected or acceptable" when it came to personal growth and becoming a valuable, intelligent and resourceful person. I had to trust myself and that could have been very difficult hard when parents and other adults seemed to only criticize my decisions, even after some accomplishments. A teacher/teacher supervisor of a student group called me at home after school had ended for the year to "chew me out" for being so boldly outspoken, helpful and giving directions to others to make a sweetheart dance the best one that this "special group" had ever offered to the school. So I started out NOT trusting the opinions of others who did not support me, so where did I go wrong??? 

Somewhere along the line, I had believed the LIE. The lie being "you must trust those whom you love". I have learned that the KEY to "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" is learning when and whom we can trust. We needn't be in a hurry or feel forced to trust others. They must prove to us their trustworthiness. The good news in all of this is, we can always trust ourselves...even though we may be wrong, we can forgive ourselves and build confidence that at least "we are are on our own side" even if we feel that no one else may be.

So do we need to trust more or trust more wisely??? I know that you can answer that question for yourself. 

We CAN "let go" and still hold onto ourselves

Photo: Scott Wright Photography

"We must be willing to let go 

of the life we planned 

so as to have the life 

that is waiting for us"

~ Joseph Campbell ~

Have you ever "clung onto" pain, hurt, regret, sorrow, grief and a myriad of other confusing and frustrating emotional states longer than you really needed in order to "heal and move on?" I think we all have done this. We tend to hold onto the familiar because the dreams that we have held deep within our hearts seem too far away. We are afraid of change. We are needing to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". We are not alone.

I was well into my late 20s before I realized that I had been abused; emotionally and physically by my father. I had always yearned to have a "daddy" like my school girlfriends but knew that I did not have one. I had a father. One who went about his life; even neglecting his own children. Being a middle child, I naturally withdrew into my own world and being an introvert on top of it, I retreated into my own imagination and thoughts. I became a singer, writer, song writer and "philosopher" of sorts; all because I had to let go of the dreams of wanting a "normal and healthy" family life and sought to find my own instead.

Sometimes we are disappointed by life's circumstances as they are thrust upon us so cruelly. Abuse, neglect and betrayal are just a few that we face, have to deal with and heal from in order to hear the song of hope and courage within our hearts; to "sing a new song". We all face these things but we may not deal with them in the most healthy ways. I have sought to FACE my life, my hurts, my pains as well as my joys and successes. Being empathetic and compassionate to others, I can see the hurt in other's hearts and minds. It is in these times, that I realize that I had to "let go" of what I thought life "should be like" for myself and others and just learn to ACCEPT LIFE as it is. This has made my life much more interesting, healthy and happy even.

I believe in healing wounds, second chances and dreams coming true. It hurts neither myself or others to believe this and only aids me in helping others find the healing path that I have found. It is a healing journey of self-awareness, self-acceptance and truth. It is not the life that I had sought to find because I had not been aware of it. 

I didn't understand

that I didn't understand

until I understood.

~ DER, Singing a New Song~

Another thing that I "did not understand" was mental illness; some are now calling it "behavioral illness" and it certainly is a dis-ease of a person's behavior and those who experience thus behavior can easily detect the "disconnect" between their loved ones hearts and minds as well as between each person involved. Mental illness is something that we MUST accept as a reality. It exists. It is insidious. It can ruin lives and loves. 

May I encourage you today to "study yourself"...what kind of person are you? What are your dreams? What is deep within your heart that you have never told another soul and what would you truly LOVE to share with someone, anyone who you could trust? Has mental illness of a loved one or even yourself, "held you back" from venturing into the "wonderful world of you"?  I know that mental illness does NOT make anyone "bad" or "less worthy" of love, respect, joy and LIFE. But if you know of someone who suffers from it and may even be the "one" who suffers with them, you are NOT alone. LET GO of the "life that you had planned", radically accept (check out radical acceptance ) the "life" that you may be living and a loved one may have been suffering through and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Though you may have seen "your dream" fail for whatever reason, that does not mean that you can't find a new one. If you are reading this, you are already seeking MORE from life; you KNOW that you have a dream deep within you that is just waiting to be brought out "into the light" (Love (poem) by Roy Croft ) and LIVED out. 

Just believe that "YOU ARE WORTH IT", because you are and you can start on your healing journey.

In process...

Where are YOU in the process of "Singing a New Song"? 

"Finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". This is the process that I have found to naturally occurring in my life. It may be helpful to you as well to "plot your progress" along with me as we work "through the process" of "Singing a New Song".

We have often heard the saying "It is IN PROCESS" meaning that it, whatever "it" is, has started but is not yet completed. It is somewhere "in the process". I often ask on the Singing A New Song Facebook page and our blog at this site, the same question over and over again.

WHERE are YOU in the process of healing from abuse? 

Have you begun to find yourself?

 Are you struggling with healing from abuse? 

Are you thinking about learning to dream again? 

Do you feel a different life within you from the one you are living in "reality" and perhaps, it is a "new song" that is being written within your soul...can you hear it??? Hum along. Is it a jazzy little upbeat number, a bit on the happy side or is it a spicy, exciting adventurous or mysterious tune that intrigues and entices you to dance a bit? Maybe it is a beautifully soothing instrumental meditative melody that creates a blanket of comfort and a place of rest and relaxation. Perhaps...oh, we could go on and on...only YOU know what may know what "your song" sounds like...even if you are still "in the process" of "Singing a New Song". It is there. You will find it. It WILL be glorious!!!

My song has always been a "declaration of freedom" and a spunky and gutsy "free to be me" anthem sung full voice, with color, confidence and clarity. Some times, it has softened to a love song...a longing to "do what I love" and to fully embrace all the beauty around me and even an encouragement to create more beauty outwardly that I see within.

No matter WHERE you are in the process, it is MOST IMPORTANT that you become aware of your process of living. What area of life are you wanting to start spending more time and effort into developing and enjoying???

If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
     You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
     You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
     You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".

Where ever you are...don't judge yourself in how you got there. We have all gotten to the same place where you are right now by just being human. By trying to survive. By trying to love. By being hurt and hopeful and disappointed.

You are NOT alone. You are not a loser. You are WORTH all the effort that you can give and a good counselor could invest, into "find yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

If you don't know where to start on your healing journey, START by believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...
because you are!!!

Identifying abuse

Identifying abuse is the FIRST step in healing from its damage. If we don't know that we are being abused, we don't look for the wonderful resources that will be able to assist us on our healing journey.


"Finding myself" was the main motivation for starting this blog; to help other women (and men) who have LOST THEMSELVES in abusive relationships "find themselves", heal from abuse and learn to dream again...like I had done.

If you are feeling that life is too hard, 

that loved ones are not acting loving toward you, 

if you feel lost or hopeless 

then you might be hurting from an abusive relationship. 

Please carefully read through the characteristics 

and review the "Abuse checklist" 

at the very bottom of the page...*

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please feel free to comment on this blog; 

either on this post or contact me via email at newsong4him@hotmail.com. 

Put "singing" in the subject line. 

I would love to hear from you. 

*************************************************

It is okay to yearn to be loved

As abuse survivors, we are most often SO hard on OURSELVES. We accept the weaknesses of others, allowing them to say hateful words and showing themselves to be unloving toward us. We are confused and TRY to make arguments that we are blamed for; make sense. We TRY to not do or say those things that seem to set off our loved one. They do not like for us to see them as being emotionally destructive or damaged but in all likelihood, a person who is unloving and SAYS that they love, is at least, self-deceived. We try to figure out "what we did wrong" when actually we are just loving them in our way. We are loving THEM at their worst. We may have learned or hoped that IF we love, we will be loved in return. This is not true with an emotionally damaged person who is abusive to us. They may deny that they have any problem in dealing (or loving) us. They may say that WE are crazy and need to be evaluated. They run from intimacy and fear abandonment but say that we are the ones who starts ALL the fights and we are ALWAYS wrong. These are behaviors that become known as ABUSE.

Walking through the pain

As I try to document and share my healing journey from abuse, I can't help but distinctly remembering how PAINFUL the process has been. Abuse is painful; when the damage is BEING DONE and the wound is being created. When the scarred wound is opened to be cleansed, it feels like it is MORE painful than the initial wound. We may fear the pain or what it may reveal to us about ourselves or others but THIS is a necessary part of the healing process. Many others survivors, including myself, have admitted to RUNNING AWAY from the pain...the pain that we really need to "walk through" in order to process and heal from abuse.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Like many others, I have been on a healing journey from abuse for many years. After having lived through years of  dysfunction in my family of origin and then an abusive "Christian" marriage I have courageously explored my own heart, soul and mind in a very deep personal search for greater understanding and healing.  More recently, after I finally realized that I was STILL not living the life that I had planned; I was shocked into reality and had to make a choice. I chose to start living the life that I had ONLY dreamt of. I chose to dream and NOT let go of my dreams ever again.


As Joseph Campbell was quoted to have said: I had to "be willing to let go of the life I had planned" to HAVE the life that WAS WAITING for me.

Finding Joe (the movie trailer on Youtube)

After becoming a Christian in 1985, I thought that "my plans" for my life would include some calling from God to sing and minister and write songs, perform and record for "the Kingdom". I asked God in prayer to allow me to marry "for the sake of ministry" (meaning also to have a child) including "church ministry" as I had previously done with my first husband. Being that I was a very strong christian, I felt that this was the ONLY path for my life; it WAS my life. That was until I began to understand the the christian man that I had married (and just recently divorced) was personality disordered, abusive and "just plain not nice". There were several well-meaning Christian friends who had NO idea nor understanding of domestic or "spiritual" abuse who "admonished" me to stay with him and "serve him as Christ would". 

I first understood that the very disrespectful, demeaning and discounting behavior of my ex husband was not only verbal abuse but covert emotional abuse and spiritual abuse in the first three years after marriage. He constantly used "church doctrine" and elements of blame and shame to control and "put me down" so he could "be (my) spiritual head". I was demeaned to the point of depression and after the loss of a stillborn boy child, I realized that this "Christian man's" behavior was abusive and not Christlike by any stretch of the imagination. He would neither submit nor "be accountable" to any authority; no church, pastor or counselor. I spent years in counseling in order to try to adapt to plaguing depression and despair.

Regarding my faith, some might say that I have been "disillusioned" by his abuse and no longer having these goals and wanting to "take part" in religious activities is due to having been in an abusive marriage; but it is SO much more than that. It seemed that I was holding onto a religious expression because that was all that I thought "was me" during the abuse. It was the one thing that could NOT be taken from me although it was constantly attacked and it seemed that every step was taken to control me and my gift (from God) for his own personal gain. I was sickened to realize that he was NOT only NOT a Christian, but an abuser. My plans definitely changed.

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track 

that has been there all the while, waiting for you, 

and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. 

Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, 

and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”

― Joseph Campbell

I thought that I HAD BEEN following "my bliss" but I realize now that it was NOT my first choice. My bliss, which I now define as "being free to be me" HAD been realized with my first Love in the 80's. I was only hiding from myself while I was "being a christian", hiding from the REAL me that had known and loved and been loved by my Love.

"I have been loved"
Jane Eyre

I realize that the love and bliss that I had been hiding FROM; I had to learn to live without until this past February. There were obstacles as with all true love stories; but in the truest sense of the word; LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. 
I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.  
I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, 
so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane 

will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, 

so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth 

I have found my bliss. I love who I am and who I am spending my life with now. I am "being alive" rather than seeking "the meaning of my life". My BEING ALIVE is my purpose and meaning for being and my search has led me back to my self.