What's love got to do with it? An abuser's view of marriage. A TRUE story.

 
Imagine this scene:  A "christian" couple have been separated due to domestic abuse; the wife/mother has left the household eight months prior with their child living separately; totally supporting both she and their son with HER income alone (also paying for the husband's medical insurance as in the past 12 years out of her income). There have been NO sincere attempts by the husband at reconciliation or resolve of "issues" in the marriage; the wife has documented the hurtful words and behavior that he clearly exhibited for many years to only be disregarded and discounted. This meeting was really set up to confirm what the wife feels she has "yet to do".

She invites the husband and her Pastor and his wife (also a Pastor) to her apartment for a home cooked meal. Conversation is light and leads them into the living room for some more discussion. While the Pastor is talking about his marriage to his wife; the topic turns to his "role" as being a Christian man and the inappropriateness of "demanding" of  submission by a husband.  The husband pulls out his Bible and says to him "I don't want to hear anything that does not come out of this; I will not take any of YOUR counsel".

The Pastor quickly senses that this man is not one to "take anyone's word for it" and obliges him by taking his Bible which was pushed toward him and opens it to 1 Corinthians 13. The Love chapter. The Pastor persuasively reads the entire chapter aloud while remaining to stand and then hands the Bible back to the husband. With total disgust in his voice and obvious air of superiority at having been "read the Word", he so eloquently states (in question form but obviously rhetorical)  

"WHAT does THAT have to do with ME and MY MARRIAGE???"

That makes me think of Tina Turner's song "What's love go to do with it?" and according to this abusive husband LOVE has NOTHING to do with HIM or HIS MARRIAGE. His own words stand to testify of "his faith" and lack of love for his wife. Of course, to end our story, the Pastor proceeded to state his intention that he would  "not cast pearl before swine" by continuing the conversation and that it was "over" and thanked me for the dinner and headed toward the door.

Another choice response by the husband was,  

"Are you calling me a PIG?"

 On a more positive note:  LOVE does have EVERYTHING to do with a good and healthy marriage; whether you are married to "a person who claims to be of a certain faith who obviously does NOT practice what he preaches" or married to a wonderful person who has come to learn that there is NO excuse for abuse. Don't be fooled by a PIG in sheep's clothing. 

****For the record; I hope that you found this amusing. It truly happened JUST as it is recorded. The irony and humor was somewhat diminished at the time by the true shock that ANYONE would even make such comments. Looking back at this as "a pig in sheep's clothing" gives me a chuckle. Abuse is not funny but the stupidity of the abusive behaviour can truly be comical. To add to it; I have eaten "Kosher" for over 18 years. This IS a true story.

When is the END really the beginning???

When it is an END to an abusive relationship and the BEGINNING of your new life.That was really an easy question for me to answer. My divorce from my covertly emotionally and verbally abusive husband became FINAL today...It may seem odd at first glance that I am THRILLED about this but if you were to understand the amount of mind-bending, heart-shattering, soul-crushing, hair-pulling and crazy-making abuse that I had lived with while married to my son's father; you would greater understand my JOY.




Have you ever had a toothache that just continued to get more painful each day? It would begin to abscess but you were unaware of what was going on beneath the surface of your gums. You only knew that it struck you with a mega jolt of agony each time you tried to chew on it. To avoid the FEAR of anticipated pain in going to the dentist, you would DENY the intensity of the torture that you were enduring and say to yourself and others "it's not so bad". You might even start limiting the kinds of foods and temperatures of the same to minimize your suffering. You might even have a good friend or maybe a spouse who would say "Oh, stop being a baby; its' only a tooth, suck it up or go to the dentist already".

Let's set this scene in a marriage that has covert, mental and verbal abuse. The toothache is VERY real but not easily seen. The pain is subtle at first and not easily located or isolated to being in "one tooth". The symptoms worsen a little more everyday; almost like that frog in the pot of water, we get used to a "little more" and learn to "deal with it". We find that certain actions on our part evoke a very painful response. We are shocked. We are fearful of confronting the "Producer of our pain" or having it more closely scrutinized to be something that we must deal with quickly for our own health. We continue to limit the many relationships that seemed to provoke hateful and controlling words and behavior. We severely minimize the joys that we have in life because we are demeaned and devalued for being unique. Finally, we come to a place where it fills our life with so much discomfort that it is hard to hide our displeasure and we are told to "endure it as a good christian should" from the one who is abusing you or "get some help" by those who have heard our complaints and exasperating cries for help. Lastly, we are seen as weak by the ones who cause us pain and by those who don't understand the invisible psychic pain of mental abuse. Our self esteems have hit rock bottom and we feel MORE than all alone. We have been abused by "the one person" that we had trusted to be loving and kind to us. We have been betrayed and are severely confused over the injustice of being blamed for another's weakensses and fears as they project them onto us. This is a DAILY way of life for the victim of abuse.

When can we say NO to abuse? When we realize that we do not deserve it-we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot change it (the abuser).

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

The most important thing for any survivor of abuse to remember is that the END of an abusive relationship is the BEGINNING of a new life. Embrace it, you deserve it.

If this rings true to your experience in marriage or relationship, I so sincerely extend my heart to you. I feel your hurt, confusion and pain. I want to give you hope that this CAN and WILL stop. Please check out the Healing from Abuse Page Tab (above blog entries)for help and support in understanding abuse and how you can deal with it. 
There is help. You are not alone.

Let's hear it for the boy! A tribute to my son.

Whew...my son arrived HOME today. I had spent almost three weeks of anxiously wondering, ok, I was worrying, if he was eating right, getting exercise and having fun as well as hoping that his mind and heart was not being intentionally filled with the deceptions of a personality disordered father during his last visitation. He looks no real worse for wear but he did gain some weight. I guess the hot fudge sundaes and Pancake House artistic creations for breakfast have certainly added to it. He is happy to be home. I am VERY happy and MUCH LESS anxious now that he IS home.

He starts school on Monday. My son is enrolled in an arts based charter school and its school year is starting even before both our "city" and our own district public schools are starting their year. He is wearing a uniform; navy khakis and navy, white and grey polo shirts. He is so handsome in polos and khakis. In early June after his school year ended, I picked him up and brought him home. I showed him "his father's new wife's" Facebook page that announced that "they were married" and that his daddy had married another woman and a picture proved it. (Check out FB page with picture of bigamist and his new wife)

He told me that "daddy can't marry B, he is married to you" and I told him, "that is right; it is illegal to be married to two women at the same time, it is a crime and it is called bigamy". In the week that followed, he spoke to his dad on the phone and called him a "liar and a bigamist". What can he say to that but ADMIT that it is truth. Both my experience and psychological studies show that persons with Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder do not see themselves as we see them. They MUST see themselves as "perfect". For heaven's sake, my son's father wouldn't admit to flatulence!

On our final court hearing for divorce last month, I realized that he had told his new wife that we were all meeting there in my county court house for child support and custody orders AFTER we had been divorced. Deception abounds but at least I know the truth. He had invited her to meet me upon my request since he wanted to take our son with them for visitation. My son went right over to them JUST AFTER I had made him "pinky promise" that he would not say anything to his dad or B about "anything". I guess he either did not quite understand me or really just wanted to"let his dad have it" in front of his dad's "new wife". Gotta love that boy of mine; I am :proud of 'im" (said with a Scottish brogue)
 
I have leaned many things of this "small snippet of history":
1- You can pretend to be anything you want but I don't have to believe it!
2- It is foolish to deny that denial exists. Denying you are in denial, doesn't make it go away.
3- You can't fool a child or at least, you aren't going to get away with it if the child is my son!
4- Narcissists and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disordered persons may believe that they are always right and everyone is always wrong. It doesn't "make it so".
5- The innocence and honesty of a child should NEVER be sacrificed for a pride of a person or parent; EVER.
6- As my mother would say "It will ALL come out in the wash"; nothing is hidden that will not eventually be revealed; all we have to do is sit back and wait. Truth WILL win out every time.

My son has taught me a lot through this. I hope that I can be like him when I grow up.