“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
Haruki Murakami

The world consists of many types of people. There are "our" types; those who love wholeheartedly, care deeply, live passionately, give generously and are compassionate and want "everything good" for our loved ones and ourselves. We want to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

Sadly, there are person who have been symptomatically and neurologically tested to be physiologically different from us; they have a "mental difference" that causes their behavior to be inconsistent, "on the edge of rage" all the time, hurt by imagined or at worst, unintentional "disrespect" or what we see as "petty arguments escalating to full blown rage". Some would say that this is abusive behavior but those with mental illness SUFFER greatly themselves. Not all abusers may be mentally ill, but I believe that some should garner compassion from those of us who understand and care about them. These symptoms are similar to many symptoms experienced by a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. It it insidious.

While we look at how other's behaviors affect us and can cause very deep emotional scarring and need for healing, we are also looking at our thoughts and feelings and determining which of them are "healthy" and are actually assisting us in healing from abuse. After we have been consistently walking our path of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and beginning to learn to dream again", we will start seeing that we are not the only ones who have pain. Right now, we are protecting ourselves and establishing much needed boundaries to "SAY NO" to abuse and "take good care of ourselves". There will come a time, when we are feeling "pretty healed" and we will then be able to look more closely at our abuser's pain. Yes, they create it themselves but maybe without therapy, supportive medication and healing, they may not be able to do anything to help themselves. Let's shine some compassion upon this and ask "if you were in their shoes, and suffering through self-loathing, would you have compassion enough upon yourself to WANT to stop the negative and destructive self-talk?" While we CAN become more familiar and in control of our thoughts, those with a mental illness may have LESS control over themselves and their thoughts than we would ever imagine. This is the wickedness of mental illness; though we may love them, our love cannot "cure" them. We cannot "control" the abuse or their self-loathing and self-sabotage and we certainly have realized that we DID NOT CAUSE their pain and the pain we have felt from their abusive behavior toward us. 

Here at "Singing a New Song" we try to uncover the hidden obstacles, debilitating fear and thoughts that hold us back from "Singing a New Song". Understanding and having compassion on persons who "cannot" think and feel like we do (by themselves, without intense therapy, DBT preferred), we HELP OURSELVES heal from the "abuse" that we endure from them. 

KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM and COMPASSION is not just for those who are abusive to us; they are for US to understand and to not give into a victim mentality, we are survivors. 

We are worth it!!!

Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars

It may sound like a teenager's whine when actually it can be a cry of a controlled and abused heart of a woman in a domestic abusive marriage.

I was told "who" and "what" I was, defined by another person's words, as well as "what I thought" and "what I was going to do". When looking from the outside into a marriage like this, it would probably be viewed by one counselor when he asked me, "YOU are telling me that THIS is your marriage?".  What an eye opener.  


If you feel that you are currently IN an abusive relationship; I have to tell you that THERE IS HOPE of being free from it. I am PROOF. I was demeaned, discounted, controlled and brain washed into thinking that I "couldn't make it" without him. I felt so hopeless that my life could ever change that I thought I might never "make it on my own".  But somehow, that is EXACTLY what I did. It didn't happen in one day; actually it took YEARS of soul searching, introspection and personal scrutiny and analysis before I began to recognize the abuse for what it was. I had to overcome my denial that "my marriage" could be healed before I could even consider being free from abuse..

The power of "NO"

I can only imagine that if you who are reading this blog and have NOT been in an abusive relationship (I would only hope that is the case); that you may not be able to fully understand the depth and destruction of abuse in our lives. The daily stress of trying to comply and please an unappeasable person is just plain crazy. It can lead to health related diseases, depression and even self-harm.   It is a daily struggle for our sanity and "heart" because of the disrespectful, demeaning and discounting ways that our "loved one" acts toward us.

It really is up to me...taking personal responsibility

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better 

Let's hear it for the boy! A tribute to my son.

Whew...my son arrived HOME today. I had spent almost three weeks of anxiously wondering, ok, I was worrying, if he was eating right, getting exercise and having fun as well as hoping that his mind and heart was not being intentionally filled with the deceptions of a personality disordered father during his last visitation. He looks no real worse for wear but he did gain some weight. I guess the hot fudge sundaes and Pancake House artistic creations for breakfast have certainly added to it. He is happy to be home. I am VERY happy and MUCH LESS anxious now that he IS home.

He starts school on Monday. My son is enrolled in an arts based charter school and its school year is starting even before both our "city" and our own district public schools are starting their year. He is wearing a uniform; navy khakis and navy, white and grey polo shirts. He is so handsome in polos and khakis. In early June after his school year ended, I picked him up and brought him home. I showed him "his father's new wife's" Facebook page that announced that "they were married" and that his daddy had married another woman and a picture proved it. (Check out FB page with picture of bigamist and his new wife)

He told me that "daddy can't marry B, he is married to you" and I told him, "that is right; it is illegal to be married to two women at the same time, it is a crime and it is called bigamy". In the week that followed, he spoke to his dad on the phone and called him a "liar and a bigamist". What can he say to that but ADMIT that it is truth. Both my experience and psychological studies show that persons with Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder do not see themselves as we see them. They MUST see themselves as "perfect". For heaven's sake, my son's father wouldn't admit to flatulence!

On our final court hearing for divorce last month, I realized that he had told his new wife that we were all meeting there in my county court house for child support and custody orders AFTER we had been divorced. Deception abounds but at least I know the truth. He had invited her to meet me upon my request since he wanted to take our son with them for visitation. My son went right over to them JUST AFTER I had made him "pinky promise" that he would not say anything to his dad or B about "anything". I guess he either did not quite understand me or really just wanted to"let his dad have it" in front of his dad's "new wife". Gotta love that boy of mine; I am :proud of 'im" (said with a Scottish brogue)
 
I have leaned many things of this "small snippet of history":
1- You can pretend to be anything you want but I don't have to believe it!
2- It is foolish to deny that denial exists. Denying you are in denial, doesn't make it go away.
3- You can't fool a child or at least, you aren't going to get away with it if the child is my son!
4- Narcissists and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disordered persons may believe that they are always right and everyone is always wrong. It doesn't "make it so".
5- The innocence and honesty of a child should NEVER be sacrificed for a pride of a person or parent; EVER.
6- As my mother would say "It will ALL come out in the wash"; nothing is hidden that will not eventually be revealed; all we have to do is sit back and wait. Truth WILL win out every time.

My son has taught me a lot through this. I hope that I can be like him when I grow up.

Letting it go...

I am sure that title says alot to a lot of people. Mainly it says that "we have no control over it; let it go" and that is a clear message that I hope to convey in this post. We have areas of our lives that "we cannot control"; the most devastating, I will propose, is having to accept the fact that you have married an abusive person. I did that. I know that I did not think that he was abusive or even capable of the abuse that I now KNOW that he has intentionally done to not as much hurt me, but to control me and to "puff himself up" with a sense of false pride and power. He is really a VERY SAD LITTLE man who HAD a wonderful woman that he "did not deserve". Well, that is how I see it and since it is my blog "It is so"...

It is "not so funny" to realize that you have been "right all along" when you really did not want to be right while suspecting that the person that you loved the most in the world; to the exclusion of family and friends, would even consider betraying your confidence and stabbing you in the back emotionally. I feel stupid. I trusted him. I shouldn't have. I am so sorry that I did. BUT I am free from him and with my first love who is most loving, respectful and so fun to be with; we can be "free to be" ourselves with each other; a very unique love for sure.

But back to the abusive husband. There is probably LESS few crazymaking things in the whole world than trying to love and live with a mentally ill person. Personality disorders are not "assigned" or "labeled" at birth and those who have them may never become aware that "they are the ones who are crazy". Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is one that is MOST INSIDIOUS; so much so that the person with OCPD does not think that "there is anything wrong with them"...Just imagine that for a moment; that "you are perfect"...let that sink in. Crazy, isn't it? I mean, who is perfect in the world??? No one of course but don't try to tell that to an OCPD; they ARE perfect and they are NEVER wrong; about anything. They have NO recollection of ever telling a lie or bearing false witness or will EVER admit to verbal abuse or controlling behavior; they "just can't think of themselves as the monsters that we see them as"...lol...that's funny. I have had to find my sense of humor in all of this to the point of saying, with a THICK Italian accent "I SHAKA MY HEAD IN UNABELIEF" at my PD husband; soon to be EX by the way.

Now 19 months after separating from him; the last 4 months having moved out of the same city and now have my son with me, I can REALLY see my stbxNPD/OCPDbigamist (that is soon to be ex Narcissist PD/Obsessive Compulsive PD bigamist) for what he REALLY is...just that. He is "not the man I married" and the "man I divorce" is pretty much a perfect stranger/terrorist and will remain so in my mind. I have had to find my sense of humor in all of this to the point of saying, with a THICK Italian accent "I SHAKA MY HEAD IN UNABELIEF" at my PD husband; soon to be EX by the way. He went and married another woman. He was so "distraught" that I was leaving town and "he was losing me" (really? yawn, like DUH!!! that he sat at his kitchen table CRYING CROCODILE tears telling me "he needed someone") and for the first time in my life I can say that I was VERY glad that I did not feel compelled to 'get in line'. lol.

I may not have been so smart in marrying him but I did not have a reasonable person trying to save me from a personality disordered bigamist contact me and then call her (me that is) "mentally ill" for telling the truth. Oh well, I guess that is just another thing that I "need to let go of". I have worked A LOT on identifying and addressing DENIAL; the biggest killer of our dreams and joy in life; I am convinced of it. I spent years on online forums for abuse survivors and verbally abused partners and even a depression forum to help me work through DENIAL...the moral of this story is "LET THE CRAZY STUFF GO", you don't need it and God doesn't want it in your life. I am sure of it.

Taking "one step at a time"

Patience has not always been my strongest characteristic or personality trait BUT I have learned over the years that being patient, taking things slowly and deliberately, circumspectly (being wise that is) and taking "one step at a time" is the most careful and sure way to "walk out life".

For example, having been in an abusive household at birth; my dad was a Narcissist/alcholic-gambler but a hard working "family man" who really just lived his life as he wanted and support his wife and 3 kids with the physical needs in life. Never went to Disneyland or camping. Was promised to be taken to "Kiddie Land" park and I remember the rude awakening of having promises broken, time and time again by my father. So far, trusting men was not going to be easy. I also had some issues with my brother, whom I love, but in the "growing up" period there was "inappropriate" behavior that I had to learn to deal with all my life. 2-0. I had boyfriends in school; nice boys. I dated a little in college and stop dating all together when I met the Love of my life. The ONLY man whom I could ever really trust up to that time and currently. We had a tragic break up; I fell into my first husband's arms on the rebound and was with him for 7 years; divorced and was single again. Met husband #2 and the number 2 describes him wonderfully; he was full of crap. He claimed to be a christian but to make a LONG story short; he was NOT anything that was honoring to any god; let alone the one that he made up to worhip, mainly himself. He was a "self-proclaimed" prophet with "insider information" on the End of Time. Hot air.

Getting my life back after this has been ONE step at a time; in the right direction. We all have the right to LIVE and breath and have our being in TRUTH and not depend upon others who are not trustworthy. Growth requires patience. Taking one step at a time has helped me to "take hold" of the person and woman whom I am becoming more and more every day.