Climb every mountain...

In Between

It is in between Summer and Autumn here in the Northeast United States. It is a time of cooling winds and less scorching days. It is a time of quieter neighborhoods as children have returned to school. It is a time that mother's meander in the shopping malls and grocery stores without the pulling and tugging of little ones of school age or the older whining of the young adult “tweeners” as they get in their daily complaint of why their electronic device is outdated and needs to be replaced. It is in between the heat and the cooling of the Earth. The change of the seasons is upon us and we are waiting, anticipating the various colors and hues that make Autumn the most beautiful season any where in the world.

We are in between the past and the future. In this past month, we commemorated the terrorist attack that ravaged our homeland twelve years ago. We want to leave the past in the past but have to remember so it doesn't happen again. If we forget the past; we are doomed to repeat it. The past is not far enough in the past for me. Ten years is not long enough to wipe the horrific scenes from my mind and heart that were seared into them on that day and the many days to follow.

We are in between peace and war. Every day, we are reminded that we do not live in a peaceful world. We look back upon our childhoods and think that we had National peace at that time. The Cold War in Russia; the Korean War or police action in Vietnam. These were not our wars but we were involved in them to keep the peace here in the United States. We feigned peace in our lives when the brink of war loomed over our heads. We tried to hide our heads in the sand and turn our eyes away from the truth that there is NO peace anywhere; lack of war is NOT peace.

We are in between truth and untruth. We claim to know the truth; that the truth will set us free but we more live in the lie that we have the truth than have the truth that obliterates lies altogether. The truth is claimed to be absolute by those who will hold onto it and defend their behavior and justify their abuse with their truth. The truth; the real truth, does not justify dark deeds but brings all deeds into the light to determine if they be of the truth or not. We live in an age of deception. The truth is a lie. As in the book by George Orwell, 1984, we use “newspeak” and are convicted of “thought crimes”. The line of truth and untruth is fading and eroding and we try to cling onto the truth for truth's sake and even for our own sake. Our sanity requires an hold onto the truth as we see it.

We are in between life and death. Some would say that as long as we are alive; we live. I disagree. I believe I know many people who have lived and only existed rather than truly lived a life. I would say that they might even have clung onto death; death of dreams, death of hope and death of all that they ever desired or longed for and only lived in this life in a partial way. They lived while they died instead of living UNTIL they died. Life is precious. To not live our lives, is to accept death before its time in our lives. My parents, bless their hearts, in my opinion, did not fully live out their lives and enjoy them as I would have hoped for them or myself. Oh, they reproduced themselves; three times. My brother, myself and my sister and several grandchildren; were my parents' accomplishments in their lives. They worked, they loved and some would say that they lived. I say that they hung onto life but did not swing with it. They did not let the breeze take them to new realms or fly over mountainous lands and deep seas. Their imaginations had no room to play but in the backyard where we played wiffle ball and yard jarts and was tolerated with our childish banter and joyfulness. They sat inside; reading the news on the printed page and writing bills and preparing meals. There seemed to be little joy in their lives. Some would say that they were raising a family but I believe that they were in between life and death and didn't know that by clinging to death and the expected end even in their desperate denial of their own mortality, they were denying the life source and force that could have changed their morbid existence into real living.

We are in between our heads and our hearts. We still have the hope and personal opportunity to take these in between times and make the most of them. We don't have to believe what we have always believed because someone else said so or passed a law that it should be done that way. We have more than our minds to guide our paths. We have hearts that must be engaged in this life if it is to be fully lived. Our heads only get in the way and leave us in the summer, the past, the fake peace, the truth that we do not see or the life that we can only hope to live. Our hearts are the connections between what is seen and what is unseen. To believe with the mind is to accept what others perceive without personal conviction. To believe with the heart, bridges the in between parts of our lives and fills it with meaningful, loving and life giving hope to step out of what we are in and move to where we ought to be.

Are you "in-between"??? At times, we all are. 

Trust yourself, then you will know how to live. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

Our inability to trust others 

is not the worst thing that can happen. 

Even when we have no one else whom we can trust, 

we CAN trust ourselves.

Have you heard someone say to you in an accusatory tone "You don't trust me"...and when we stop and think about this, they may be telling the truth and there may be good reason for it. Just because we love someone does NOT mean that they are worthy of our trust as well. In abusive situations, we find that the inability to reasonably trust a "loved one" because of their abusive behavior is often turned on ourselves. We are "accused" of not trusting them while we second guess who we are and doubt our own feelings and perceptions rather than to just accept that the relationship with that "special someone" is so painful.

Even before we begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again", we hear "you need to trust yourself" over and over again. Being that we had trusted a person who had seemingly abused us, we may feel that our choice of trusting others also includes our own ability to trust ourselves. THIS is one of they greatest abuses inflicted upon an abuse victim and abuse survivor. We don't even KNOW that we are able to trust our own thoughts and feelings because they were "taken over" and controlled so long ago by one who "gaslighted" or disrespected, demeaned or discounted us time and time again. 

It seems that this lack of understanding of TRUST 

and how it has been used to control us is 

one of the FIRST stepping stones 

to begin our healing journey.

I remember when I was a student in high school, I was a young woman; confident and with talent and skill to do many things but my parents and teachers for the most part, did not encourage me to do many of the things that I accomplished well "on my own". I had to be my own cheerleader. I had a few friends, especially Shelley, who was more of a visionary like myself. She wasn't afraid of "going against the flow" of what was "expected or acceptable" when it came to personal growth and becoming a valuable, intelligent and resourceful person. I had to trust myself and that could have been very difficult hard when parents and other adults seemed to only criticize my decisions, even after some accomplishments. A teacher/teacher supervisor of a student group called me at home after school had ended for the year to "chew me out" for being so boldly outspoken, helpful and giving directions to others to make a sweetheart dance the best one that this "special group" had ever offered to the school. So I started out NOT trusting the opinions of others who did not support me, so where did I go wrong??? 

Somewhere along the line, I had believed the LIE. The lie being "you must trust those whom you love". I have learned that the KEY to "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" is learning when and whom we can trust. We needn't be in a hurry or feel forced to trust others. They must prove to us their trustworthiness. The good news in all of this is, we can always trust ourselves...even though we may be wrong, we can forgive ourselves and build confidence that at least "we are are on our own side" even if we feel that no one else may be.

So do we need to trust more or trust more wisely??? I know that you can answer that question for yourself. 

Getting out of delusion and self-deception

I am amazed by the number of inquisitive acquaintances and friends who have asked me about my healing journey when they seem to be wanting to know...

"HOW did you EVER get through that???




In looking back at my life, I even doubted my ability to extricate myself from abuse and endure minimal loss of property and preserve my own financial stability. At times, I had not believed that it would ever be possible but then again, I had not even begun to try to "think it through" to see if it could possibly be feasible. 

I remember getting an "epiphany" and it was like a light bulb had just been turned on above my head while I was sitting at my workstation one day. I started to think of "the impossible"...could I financially "swing it" on my income alone if my son and I moved out of the rented house from his father and half sister. My mother and father were no longer living with us and it had been a few months before that I realized that mom would be moving out to live with our brother. It was time for me to consider "the impossible". If you are reading this, you might have experienced this also or at least begun to believe in the possibility.

I have evaluated HOW I was able to free myself; free my mind, my thoughts and my feelings by understanding terms such as detachment, delusion and self-deception. Let's focus on the latter two...

What is the difference between delusion and self-deception??? 
Delusion is when a belief or impression is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument. 
Self-deception is the action or practice of allowing oneself to believe that a false or invalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true.

Since it is TRUTH Day (every Friday) here at Singing a New Song, I was wondering about the difference of these two concepts and what it means to our lives when it comes to "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".


I believe that delusion leads to self-deception and that self-deception validates the delusion. It is a wicked, hopeless, unending circle until the "spell" is broken. (see Patricia Evan's book; The Verbally Abusive Man) 

In hopes to not lose you in any confusion, let's look at an example of how this may look in our lives. Let's just imagine for a moment that we are deluded about a belief about a person (and of course "we do not understand that we do not understand" ); they could NEVER abuse us, therefore, we choose to see their behavior as NOT BEING abuse and then this is self-deceiving in that it INVALIDATES our sense of true self and squashes out any possibility of asking the needed questions because "this is what I am supposed to do about it because I believe" this or that (this is how my abusive ex husband managed to abuse me for nearly 11 years; I was in delusion and self-deception) 


Let's look at it the other way. Let's imagine again that we are self-deceived. Of course, it is again the same situation that "we do not understand that we don't understand" something about our SELF. It may be because we do not truly know ourselves and have beliefs about ourselves that may not be based upon fact or that is based squarely upon delusion. We may have unhealed abuse damage and it is just too painful to face it so we DENY our pain, our damage and believe whatever "covers" the whole situation and how it has affected us and our beliefs. Our example will be; as in my situation, I was a christian. The premise of "being a christian" is that we are not perfect but we are "forgiven", and in my life, I had a very close relationship with a family member, also a christian, who was abusive to me in ways that she still has not yet even begun to understand. She would say horrific, hurtful and "unchristian" things and behave in VERY unchristian ways (just imagine someone who says that they are a christian but cheats, lies and betrays family members for nothing more than their own pleasure; without thinking about relationship with others any thing beyond what "they get out of it"). 

Denial, delusion, detachment, self-deception were concepts that I had deeply explored before I could even begin to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". It has been an enlightening journey. 

Though my healing journey has been enlightening, 

it has not always been pleasant. 

I had to accept that things were "not as I believed them to be".  

It was painful to recognize that I could only hold myself accountable for living in that denial and delusion. 

Once I understood that I didn't understand, I forgave myself for not understanding that I didn't understand and was not able to "break the spell" of delusion and self-deception in my life sooner.

How do we know WHEN we are in delusion and self-deception? How do we "get ourselves out of delusion and self-deception?" I have learned that I needed to be open to accepting things AS THEY ARE rather than how we think they "should be" or how we would really like them to be. This is really SO MUCH EASIER said than done; to accept the truth that is contradictory to what you have believed for so long or feel validates us as a person is earth-shaking. Taking it to a deeper level, we then need to be open to exploring our CORE BELIEFS, question their validity and truth and see how they have created the reason that we believe what we do about ourselves. We evaluate, not judge, ourselves to see what areas are being run and ruled by untruths, denial, delusion and self-deception and make a personal commitment to bravely FACE THE TRUTH. 

You can do it, I did it and we can together take one step at a time...that is how healing and the "Singing a New Song" journey starts. 

YOU ARE worth it!!! 

Keeping Focused on Healing

Amidst the turmoil, frustration and confusion of abuse, I have found that many people, women predominately, tend to disregard their own personal cues of "need" and tend to "numb out" and lose focus on taking good personal care and embarking on the healing journey.
We struggle day after day just to get out of bed and try to find some meaning for going through this barrage of attacks on our psyche and self-image once again. We see other's needs but have been deceived into believing that taking care of ourselves makes us "selfish" and to prove that we are not; we disregard our own intuition, we doubt ourselves and our perceptions and take on  abuse as our "new truth"...we live in this for sometimes many years before we realize that "THIS IS NOT MY LIFE".

Sometimes, before we realize that we need to take good care of ourselves, we must first IDENTIFY behavior that is disrespectful, demeaning, manipulative, controlling, etc as ABUSE. Many websites, books, articles online, television are discussing the effects of domestic abuse (not only physical but verbal, emotional, mental, financial and spiritual) on women and raising awareness of the NEED for women to be aware of how this undermines their sense of self and purpose are available. (see healing from abuse resource page on this blog)

ACCEPT that you did not cause it, you cannot change it and you cannot control it. When we try to LET GO of the need to control the person who has abused us.  One author coined this as "radical acceptance", the full acceptance of a person and their behavior "as it is" and without our need to change it for either ourselves or them. Take responsibility for our own behavior and decide WHAT WE REALLY WANT in life. We will not be able to change our abuser to meet our needs, in doing this, we are falling into the trap that they have unconsciously left for us. We can then even become manipulative, unloving and demanding, just like an abuser.

Are YOU focused on YOUR healing??? YOU MATTER. Acknowledge abusive behaviors in your life that have damaged your sense of SELF. Take time to "take good care of yourself" today.

You are worth it!!!

We CAN "let go" and still hold onto ourselves

Photo: Scott Wright Photography

"We must be willing to let go 

of the life we planned 

so as to have the life 

that is waiting for us"

~ Joseph Campbell ~

Have you ever "clung onto" pain, hurt, regret, sorrow, grief and a myriad of other confusing and frustrating emotional states longer than you really needed in order to "heal and move on?" I think we all have done this. We tend to hold onto the familiar because the dreams that we have held deep within our hearts seem too far away. We are afraid of change. We are needing to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". We are not alone.

I was well into my late 20s before I realized that I had been abused; emotionally and physically by my father. I had always yearned to have a "daddy" like my school girlfriends but knew that I did not have one. I had a father. One who went about his life; even neglecting his own children. Being a middle child, I naturally withdrew into my own world and being an introvert on top of it, I retreated into my own imagination and thoughts. I became a singer, writer, song writer and "philosopher" of sorts; all because I had to let go of the dreams of wanting a "normal and healthy" family life and sought to find my own instead.

Sometimes we are disappointed by life's circumstances as they are thrust upon us so cruelly. Abuse, neglect and betrayal are just a few that we face, have to deal with and heal from in order to hear the song of hope and courage within our hearts; to "sing a new song". We all face these things but we may not deal with them in the most healthy ways. I have sought to FACE my life, my hurts, my pains as well as my joys and successes. Being empathetic and compassionate to others, I can see the hurt in other's hearts and minds. It is in these times, that I realize that I had to "let go" of what I thought life "should be like" for myself and others and just learn to ACCEPT LIFE as it is. This has made my life much more interesting, healthy and happy even.

I believe in healing wounds, second chances and dreams coming true. It hurts neither myself or others to believe this and only aids me in helping others find the healing path that I have found. It is a healing journey of self-awareness, self-acceptance and truth. It is not the life that I had sought to find because I had not been aware of it. 

I didn't understand

that I didn't understand

until I understood.

~ DER, Singing a New Song~

Another thing that I "did not understand" was mental illness; some are now calling it "behavioral illness" and it certainly is a dis-ease of a person's behavior and those who experience thus behavior can easily detect the "disconnect" between their loved ones hearts and minds as well as between each person involved. Mental illness is something that we MUST accept as a reality. It exists. It is insidious. It can ruin lives and loves. 

May I encourage you today to "study yourself"...what kind of person are you? What are your dreams? What is deep within your heart that you have never told another soul and what would you truly LOVE to share with someone, anyone who you could trust? Has mental illness of a loved one or even yourself, "held you back" from venturing into the "wonderful world of you"?  I know that mental illness does NOT make anyone "bad" or "less worthy" of love, respect, joy and LIFE. But if you know of someone who suffers from it and may even be the "one" who suffers with them, you are NOT alone. LET GO of the "life that you had planned", radically accept (check out radical acceptance ) the "life" that you may be living and a loved one may have been suffering through and "find yourself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Though you may have seen "your dream" fail for whatever reason, that does not mean that you can't find a new one. If you are reading this, you are already seeking MORE from life; you KNOW that you have a dream deep within you that is just waiting to be brought out "into the light" (Love (poem) by Roy Croft ) and LIVED out. 

Just believe that "YOU ARE WORTH IT", because you are and you can start on your healing journey.

Holding onto yourself

We deserve MORE in life than just "holding on".

I have often wondered, as an abuse survivor and person who is "finding herself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", if I spend MORE energy "just holding onto me" than actually living my life. Do I spend more time in connecting with my thoughts and my self out of fear of losing them again?  

I am thankful for the introspective times that I can more easily focus on what is going on inside of myself when it seems like much going on outside is shaky and uncertain. I love knowing that I can turn inward for stability and do not require that which may "not be able" to be stable, to be stable for me. This is a "secret" of surviving abuse. Not expecting or requiring anyone to "be" any certain way for us. Like unreciprocated love, we "love" but if we expect someone who does not love themselves, to love us, then our expectation will bring us times of sadness, loss and sorrow. 

A big part of "holding onto myself" has always been positive self-talk or affirmations. For me, it has always been more "clarifying" and "stating the truth" to myself more than trying to guide my thoughts as a diversion or to "more positive" thoughts. Some things that we experience in live, no matter how unpleasant, need to be seen in truth and not "covered over" with a positive thought or spin. 

Is it healthy to "hold onto yourself"? I think so. I think that it may be part of our "finding ourselves" or "healing from abuse" parts of our healing journey. Once we make it through those healing phases and move into "learning to dream again", I have found that I "needed to hold onto me" less and less because I was NOT disconnected from myself and had coped with the abusive techniques by abusers to TRY to "get me away from myself". Once we get through "just surviving" mode, we have learned healthy coping mechanisms and clean boundaries so that we can NOW focus on more creative endeavors and ambitions. As a singer/songwriter, it has surprised me that at times of great stress, I was actually MORE active in my song writing. Many times, I had found that I had less energy to be creative and holding onto myself took much of my creative energy so I could "just survive". 

Do we "hold onto ourselves" because of fear of "losing ourselves again"? Maybe. But since we had felt the "loss" of ourselves and the pain and damage of abuse, who would want to live through that again? When we come to realize that we are "holding onto ourselves" we are finally realizing our worth and value. We know that we are permitted and have every right to protect and "grow" ourselves.

Wherever we are "in the process", let's remember that it is OUR LIFE and that whatever we need to learn, where ever we "are" on our healing journey, we owe it to ourselves to be patient and compassionate with ourselves. ♥

We really are worth it!!! ♥

(See more encouraging messages and thoughts on 
Facebook at  ♪ Singing a New Song ♪ )

Catch a falling star...

Art by Josephine Wall

Have you ever "let your imagination run away with you?" I know that I had been afraid to imagine my life as I would truly wanted it to be. My "self" was damaged and feeling unworthy due to believing how an abuser defined me and constantly disrespected me. It might have also been partly due to my own fear of NOT getting what I thought that I had wanted. And then again, I was not willing to "imagine having what I had always wanted" for fear of being discontent in the "here and now".



If you have felt this way, we might both feared dreaming because we might have talked ourselves into believing that "dreams do not come true" for us. I felt this way for a long time and no doubt, you might have also. But one day, it changed for me. In one epiphanic moment, I was struck dumb and filled with grief over a co-workers tragic and sudden death. I became like a child who was watching a falling star. I had believed that if I saw a falling star, that I only had to make a wish upon it and my dream would come true. This "falling star moment" was my moment of getting past ALL my fear...looking deep within myself and deeming myself worthy of my dream, if not only for a moment. I sat there, staring deeply into my fear of NOT getting what I had always dreamed of and realizing that I needed to "make my wish known". I only had to "imagine" that my dream could come true...if only for a moment. A moment was all that I needed to make a wish upon it and then "catch my falling star". 

This artwork spoke to me. I have felt like the beautiful being catching the falling star in Josephine Walls beautiful painting. Just imagine, if only for a moment...when your "falling star" comes your way. Dreams do come true. Make your wish. Don't allow fear to come between you and your destiny!!!

It is always darkest before the Dawn

I remember getting up in the wee hours of a summer morning to pile into the car with my family as we headed to visit relatives in a nearby state. I never fully understood the reasoning that dad had for getting up in the ungodly hour, it must have been about 3 am and it was SO dark outside. Why do we want to start a journey in the dark??? 

Maybe because it just "happens to be dark" that we find that there are less cars on the road, less obstacles, and easier to travel with kids having fallen back to sleep in the back seat. 


For our healing journeys, it feels like we "find ourselves" in the dark and yearn for the "light of day" where we feel good about ourselves and others around us. We long for somewhere we do not feel disrespected and abused. Somewhere and with someone with whom we feel valued and loved. 

Ironically or not, I have always loved the night. It is peaceful and serene, for me. It may not be seen that way by everyone until we become aware of the darkness within ourselves and realize our great need to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

The "dark night of the soul" is a place that I have found to be a sacred meeting place with our hearts and minds. It allows us the solitude and introspection that we need to do the deep inner healing that we all deserve.

Don't be afraid of the dark...the "dark" within you. Embrace it and take it with you on your healing journey; it is a part of you that needs healing. 

You deserve to "come out of the dark", the dark of confusion and pain. Embrace your truth so that you can begin "Singing a New Song". 

Living again

I love life but there have been many times in my life that I did NOT feel loved. I was being abused. I have been writing this blog from a the perspective of a "nearly fully healed" mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  
I have challenged myself to find myself, heal from abuse and dare to dream again. This blog has been part of my healing journey and I hope to "pay back" many who have helped me along the way and "pay forward" to reach out to others who have found themselves in the same place I had. 

I can relate to your pain and fear in facing the extremely difficult obstacle of denial. I had to accept many new and unwelcome things about myself before I could realize that I was living in an abusive relationship. I had a more difficult decision to make regarding HOW I would extricate myself from an abusive marriage; it just wasn't a simple task. It was scary. When we are psychically and emotionally hurt from attacks on our self esteem, especially by those who are supposed to be loving us, it can nearly destroy who we are. We can LOSE ourselves. We then are afflicted with our own negative self-talk and may try to find our way out of the pain of living a life with no happiness or resolve. We just try to find the strength and stamina to face another day with seemingly very little accomplished toward healing and living a healthy life. But through ALL of this, I have learned to HOLD ONTO HOPE that things WILL get better...and for me, they did.

Finding me was the first step to healing from abuse 

which is necessary to learn to dream again...

you can do it too.

I have been OUT of an abusive marriage for almost two years. I have found that I had been able to do many instinctively good things for myself and bravely faced the truth of the denial that I was being abused by a christian no less. I accepted the truth as I understood it and started taking care of myself; thinking that those who abuse us will NOT be taking care of us; but only using us to take care of themselves. I realized that I had been abused and carried within my mind, heart and soul, the pain and damage that abuse wields.

When I began to say NO to abuse, 

say YES to me 

I felt free to DREAM AGAIN...

Finding parts of our "lost" selves; regaining the truth

Abuse can produce selective memory and we may even forget who we are and what we deserve. We cling to dreams of "what we want" so much that we do not realize that we deserve to have SO MUCH more than what we are left settling for. We really deserve to have ourselves after the abuse is gone.

Part of "finding myself" was really discovering WHO I WAS and WHAT I DESERVED. When I was separated from my first husband, I heard a voice from Heaven say "don't tell him what you WANT, tell him what you see". I did just that. If I had told him "what I had wanted", he might have felt obligated to "be a good guy" or to "prove that I was wrong in how I saw him and his treatment of me" as well as "denying his addictive behavior". I did not tell him what I wanted; what I wanted did not matter at that moment. I needed to see the truth and KNOW the kind of man and relationship that I had committed myself. I deserved to know the truth; even though the truth hurts. I also believe that the truth heals.

Walking through the pain

As I try to document and share my healing journey from abuse, I can't help but distinctly remembering how PAINFUL the process has been. Abuse is painful; when the damage is BEING DONE and the wound is being created. When the scarred wound is opened to be cleansed, it feels like it is MORE painful than the initial wound. We may fear the pain or what it may reveal to us about ourselves or others but THIS is a necessary part of the healing process. Many others survivors, including myself, have admitted to RUNNING AWAY from the pain...the pain that we really need to "walk through" in order to process and heal from abuse.

Letting it go...

I am sure that title says alot to a lot of people. Mainly it says that "we have no control over it; let it go" and that is a clear message that I hope to convey in this post. We have areas of our lives that "we cannot control"; the most devastating, I will propose, is having to accept the fact that you have married an abusive person. I did that. I know that I did not think that he was abusive or even capable of the abuse that I now KNOW that he has intentionally done to not as much hurt me, but to control me and to "puff himself up" with a sense of false pride and power. He is really a VERY SAD LITTLE man who HAD a wonderful woman that he "did not deserve". Well, that is how I see it and since it is my blog "It is so"...

It is "not so funny" to realize that you have been "right all along" when you really did not want to be right while suspecting that the person that you loved the most in the world; to the exclusion of family and friends, would even consider betraying your confidence and stabbing you in the back emotionally. I feel stupid. I trusted him. I shouldn't have. I am so sorry that I did. BUT I am free from him and with my first love who is most loving, respectful and so fun to be with; we can be "free to be" ourselves with each other; a very unique love for sure.

But back to the abusive husband. There is probably LESS few crazymaking things in the whole world than trying to love and live with a mentally ill person. Personality disorders are not "assigned" or "labeled" at birth and those who have them may never become aware that "they are the ones who are crazy". Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is one that is MOST INSIDIOUS; so much so that the person with OCPD does not think that "there is anything wrong with them"...Just imagine that for a moment; that "you are perfect"...let that sink in. Crazy, isn't it? I mean, who is perfect in the world??? No one of course but don't try to tell that to an OCPD; they ARE perfect and they are NEVER wrong; about anything. They have NO recollection of ever telling a lie or bearing false witness or will EVER admit to verbal abuse or controlling behavior; they "just can't think of themselves as the monsters that we see them as"...lol...that's funny. I have had to find my sense of humor in all of this to the point of saying, with a THICK Italian accent "I SHAKA MY HEAD IN UNABELIEF" at my PD husband; soon to be EX by the way.

Now 19 months after separating from him; the last 4 months having moved out of the same city and now have my son with me, I can REALLY see my stbxNPD/OCPDbigamist (that is soon to be ex Narcissist PD/Obsessive Compulsive PD bigamist) for what he REALLY is...just that. He is "not the man I married" and the "man I divorce" is pretty much a perfect stranger/terrorist and will remain so in my mind. I have had to find my sense of humor in all of this to the point of saying, with a THICK Italian accent "I SHAKA MY HEAD IN UNABELIEF" at my PD husband; soon to be EX by the way. He went and married another woman. He was so "distraught" that I was leaving town and "he was losing me" (really? yawn, like DUH!!! that he sat at his kitchen table CRYING CROCODILE tears telling me "he needed someone") and for the first time in my life I can say that I was VERY glad that I did not feel compelled to 'get in line'. lol.

I may not have been so smart in marrying him but I did not have a reasonable person trying to save me from a personality disordered bigamist contact me and then call her (me that is) "mentally ill" for telling the truth. Oh well, I guess that is just another thing that I "need to let go of". I have worked A LOT on identifying and addressing DENIAL; the biggest killer of our dreams and joy in life; I am convinced of it. I spent years on online forums for abuse survivors and verbally abused partners and even a depression forum to help me work through DENIAL...the moral of this story is "LET THE CRAZY STUFF GO", you don't need it and God doesn't want it in your life. I am sure of it.

Taking "one step at a time"

Patience has not always been my strongest characteristic or personality trait BUT I have learned over the years that being patient, taking things slowly and deliberately, circumspectly (being wise that is) and taking "one step at a time" is the most careful and sure way to "walk out life".

For example, having been in an abusive household at birth; my dad was a Narcissist/alcholic-gambler but a hard working "family man" who really just lived his life as he wanted and support his wife and 3 kids with the physical needs in life. Never went to Disneyland or camping. Was promised to be taken to "Kiddie Land" park and I remember the rude awakening of having promises broken, time and time again by my father. So far, trusting men was not going to be easy. I also had some issues with my brother, whom I love, but in the "growing up" period there was "inappropriate" behavior that I had to learn to deal with all my life. 2-0. I had boyfriends in school; nice boys. I dated a little in college and stop dating all together when I met the Love of my life. The ONLY man whom I could ever really trust up to that time and currently. We had a tragic break up; I fell into my first husband's arms on the rebound and was with him for 7 years; divorced and was single again. Met husband #2 and the number 2 describes him wonderfully; he was full of crap. He claimed to be a christian but to make a LONG story short; he was NOT anything that was honoring to any god; let alone the one that he made up to worhip, mainly himself. He was a "self-proclaimed" prophet with "insider information" on the End of Time. Hot air.

Getting my life back after this has been ONE step at a time; in the right direction. We all have the right to LIVE and breath and have our being in TRUTH and not depend upon others who are not trustworthy. Growth requires patience. Taking one step at a time has helped me to "take hold" of the person and woman whom I am becoming more and more every day.