Solitude
I have always like solitude. To be alone with my thoughts, for me, has never the horrible thing that others seemed to make of it. I have actually chosen to be alone at times; something that has even boggled the mind of many people who have believed that they have known me well enough in my very outwardly social ways to think that I do not desire or need solitude. They could not be more wrong in believing this. They may think that solitude is reserved for those who are forced into spending time alone due to rejection and thus creating deep feelings of despair and loneliness. I make choices not based upon feelings of loneliness or even sad rejection by others but have always chosen to spend time by myself because I like myself. I guess that is what it really boils down to, liking oneself. If I like myself then it would make sense that I would want to spend time alone, with myself.
Maybe, if we could even consider the possibility and reality of this, that loneliness for others is really a manifestation of the fear of being alone and discovering oneself; the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly parts of who every person is comprised of. They say the “whole is greater than the sum of the parts its made of” and in a conceptual way, we are greater than the parts of us that may characterize our whole being. The parts are just parts until they are put together in a miraculous way of making us who we are. Maybe we could consider that to accept someone's rejection of us and hold it valid would truly only be the acceptance of someone's possible flawed view of who we are and who I really am. This would bring deep feelings of sadness and possible self-loathing, maybe something that would not inspire me to spend more time with myself. I have the sole right to either accept or reject myself or parts of myself. If I delve into denial, I can totally “remake” myself rather than respect the wonderfully unique person whom I am; in spite of my weaknesses. Primarily and most importantly, I decide whether or not I like to be alone. I believe that the most important thing that anyone can do for their self is to not reject or judge their selves but to extend a hand of friendship toward their own image. I like me. I figure that if I don't like me and don't want to be with me then “who else” might want my company? Who else might be MORE fascinating and intriguing and even more interesting and kind to my self, than myself?
Having compassion with myself; dealing with my frailties with “kid gloves” and allowing myself to be seen as “mere human” in an extraordinary way of course, is the necessary humility needed for good writing. If not for the solitude, we could not hear our voice; think of the stories and write down the words that bring them to life. again. I need to hear my “voice” and allow my self to be expressed in words on paper or the computer screen. My time of reflection is the back how loader and earth mover of my thoughts and feelings. I can excavate my past and bring it into the light of the present; look at it and evaluate how I feel about the many things that happened to me and even those things that I caused that became part of who I am today. Digging in my past and accepting who I was is part of who I am.
If I do not “know myself” then how can I know anything or anyone else. I am the one that I have spent the most time with all of my life. If I do not know me, I know nothing. Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. I would like rephrase that sentiment with “I know me, therefore I am”. I feel my existence and my uniqueness when I write. I like many things about me that I would like to share with the world. I would like to encourage and help others feel the reality of this life in the way that I sense it at times. I like many things about me and rather than constantly judge and criticize myself as others have done, I accept me in ways that I have accepted others. I like the way that I am curious about who I am; not only about the world around me. I like and appreciate my sensitivity to others as I use the same compassion that I have nurtured in and for myself with dealing with their fears and failures in life. I really like parts of myself that I don't intentionally share with the world. I feel that I have “kept part of me” for me and I believe this is a really very healthy thing to do.
I like solitude because I like me. I can appreciate and explore the uniqueness of my being while not revealing anything to anyone else of my discoveries. Sometimes I feel that I am an archaeological “dig” and my past is being uncovered and revealed to me. The most important parts of me are on display for me to accept and learn to love. Really, writing is all about being able and willing and even desiring to tear away the mask that the world sees, reveal in the uniqueness of who we are and then boldly proclaiming to ourselves first, then to the world, the person that we have discovered in our times of solitude. I laugh at myself in a joyous and celebratory way even though no one else is around. I can relax and “be me” and not worry about others judging who I am in terms of their standards. My standards for me are SO much higher and my hopes and aspirations and dreams are only shared with those who I trust the most. Me.
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