Obstacle or Opportunity?

Thomas Alva Edison didn't stop to think that he would discover thousands of ways to NOT invent the light bulb when he started. He just refused to see one little "un success" as being a failure or obstacle when the opportunity was clear and ahead of him.

I have not failed. 

I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Alva Edison 

I had the opportunity, many years ago, of visiting Thomas Alva Edison's Winter Estate (summer home) in Fort Myers, Florida. I was awestruck by the number of "failures" that he endured before each success. It seemed that success didn't come easy to him, failures were exorbitant and that he did not let his failures dissuade him from inventing the wonderful things that we take so much for granted today. He seemed to realize that every success is paid for by many failures and that one failure didn't mean the end of his vision; it meant only "one way that it didn't work".

I would like to me more like Thomas Alva Edison. I wish that our lives was not filled with the weight of failure but the hope that we are one step closer to succeeding and have found one way "that it doesn't work". Relationships are like this also. We can try many ways to "reach" a loved one and if they are suffering from a mental illness; especially Borderline Personality Disorder, we may discover that there are many more ways to fail that we ever have believed because it seems, that there is no way to succeed in carrying a relationship with someone who is not able or capable of providing their healthy half.

So is mental illness the obstacle or the opportunity? Yes. It is an obstacle. If you expected an healthy relationship whether romantic love or familial connection with a person who suffers from mental illness; you are bound to be disappointed and find that it has become an obstacle in your life and in the life of the one you love.

However, there is a little thing called "acceptance" that can turn that obstacle into an opportunity. IF your mentally ill loved one can see clear to believe that they are suffering from mental illness without the horrible stigma that society perpetuates upon it, and accept a healing journey of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy is therapy designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not effective, such as self-harm, suicidal thinking and substance abuse. This approach works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that lead to the undesired behavior. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy), then you have just seen an obstacle turn into an opportunity.

Whenever I hear or think of the words "opportunity" or "dream"...I am reminded of this quote of Thomas Edison's. I remind myself that failure will proceed success. Rarely do we succeed the very first time. That is not usually skill but possibly luck and nothing that we can count on or duplicate. Failure doesn't have to the obstacle in "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". We have put way too much importance on "doing things right". I give you permission to make a mistake and learn from it and not judge yourself for "not getting it right" the first time. It is unrealistic to believe that anyways; why not allow ourselves to see obstacles as opportunities.

When is a dream worth dreaming?

But if not for being impossible; 

would it be a dream worth dreaming???

A thought about dreams came to me while I was writing my blog. I was writing about “having dreams” and really digging deeply into what having a dream really means. I couldn't help but ask myself that if it were NOT impossible, then would it be a dream worth dreaming? 

If my “dream” would be possible, would it be a dream at all or maybe it would be a misguided goal or a hope that doesn't even come close to reality. Maybe the nature of a dream implies that it is NOT possible and thus to dream our life away as the Everly Brothers sang in “All I have to do is dream” is an accurate statement. I was dreaming my life away as I pined for my Love. I would think of the love that I shared with him; the “strong bond that we knew” as I wrote in the song “To see you once again”. How could it be so impossible to love him again and forever if we had such a wonderful love in the beginning. HOW could it be so impossible and why would I dream of it rather than plan on seeing him again. I would dream of looking deeply into his eyes; throwing my arms around him and feeling his strong arms about me. In my dreamlike state I would feel the hot, moist eager mouth as his lips and mine pressed together in passionate union and I would think of and feel many other bodily sensations and responses to his touch and presence. How could it be so impossible if it existed at one time; couldn't it exist again and forever?

Dreams are something that can play with the mind. They are surreal and who knows how crazy they seem to others but to us; they are as real as waking up in the morning. They motivate us to get out of bed and slide into some decent clothes and go to work. They prompt us to evaluate every relationship that we have only to find that none of them come close to the one that we dream about. We are not looking at it with “rose colored glasses” and forgetting the rough spots that we ran into ourselves along the way and the pain of the separation that only time can heal. We see our lives in the light and scrutiny of the dreams that we hold in our hearts. The dreams become the magnifying glass of our intentions and the filter by which the words that we use on a daily basis are chosen to reflect the plastic life that we have chosen over our dreams. Our dreams can appear more than real to us while living in a state of denial or constant insistence that the life that we are living is the only one that is available to us. Why would we tempt ourselves to believe that life could be better? Why not just accept the fact that life is what it is and it will always be what we have made it to this day and that we should put away those “childish” dreams and work with what we have. 

Reality is not what it is so cracked up to be. I mean, really, does anyone expect us to live lives that are so miserable just because they are the ones who are afraid to dream? Maybe they think that we are as afraid of dreaming as they are; afraid of dreaming a dream that is so impossible that to consider it would peel back and uncover their layers of discontent with their lives. To dream is to not be afraid of the truth of our lives. I think that I can say and believe that if we are afraid of dreaming, we are denying the truth of the miserable existent that we have created. We have sacrificed our right to dream at the altar of a mediocre life. We have bludgeoned our imaginations in hopes that we will not have to face the defeat of our free wills to live as we would really like to live.

“To live a life worth living” is a cliché of clichés that has come to mean even less than the cliché had originally intended. Does anyone “live a life worth living?” If everyone “lived a life worth living” then tell me why there are so many dreamers; so many discontent and discouraged people in mid-life crisis who look at their lives and say “this isn't my life”?

I have stood and faced myself in the mirror many times; shaking my head in unbelief as to the life that I have acquiesced into living. I asked myself “how did I get HERE?”. “How do I get out of this mess and live a “life worth living?” “Isn't it too late to start over?” I would feel my spirit weakened and collapse under the inquisition and sadly admit: “Who am I trying to fool, I don't have a hope to live a life that I could only dream of”. The saddest part of this statement is that I was the one fooling myself that I could life a life worth living while living in misery and want. Oh, I don't mean that I was so miserable and wanted so much that I would never be happy while being in that place; no, it was more like I was miserable and wanted so much APART from what my life consisted of that I was dreaming of being so far away, like somewhere “over the rainbow”. Even Dorothy caught a glimpse of some wonderful land “beyond where the blue birds fly” while she was living in the black and white Dust bowl infected land of Kansas on the dismal farm with the ordinary characters found in an ordinary life.

As I evaluated the realness of my life; 

I fell into despair knowing what I was living in 

and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. 

I had nothing to lose. 

In my mind, it could "get no worse" 

and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; 

I would be no WORSE off than living without it.

Dreaming goes beyond what we can imagine. Dreaming is daring to want something that you can't even see and needing something that you can no longer live without. If but not for it being impossible, it would not be a dream worth dreaming.

Living too much

When was the last time that you were accused of "living too much"? If you ask me, I would interpret that "accusation" as being an affirmation that I am appearing successful in enjoying my life. Really, is there such a thing as "living too much"? I don't think so.


Do you have fun in what "you do"? Do you take time to mindfully enjoy your family, friends, meals, hobbies, etc??? If not, why not? Wouldn't it be strange for someone to say to us "You know, it may be just my opinion, but I think that you "live life too much"? How absurd!!! I would even suspect that a statement like this would be an attempt to control, minimize or defeat our success in life!

Why this has come to my mind is that I am joining a THIRD community chorale/choir. This one only meets in the summer, two days per week and the other two do not meet in the summer but will perform before school starts again. Well, it will take a bit of my time...Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights for the next month and then only Sunday and Wednesday nights for the rest of the summer vacation.  It will challenge me to memorize and perform the music without sheet music in front of me...all three chorales!!! Do I have the brain capacity and love of music to do this??? Do I really want to??? I just have to ask myself "am I trying to live too much"??? Of course, it is a silly question and seems absurd to ask it let alone answer it but in honesty, I asked and answered. My answer is no. Never. I don't believe in "living too much" or enjoying being part of and expressing myself through music when the opportunity rises. Will it take time away from my favorite TV program, Master Chef? Unfortunately, yes, it will. Will I survive without Master Chef??? Surprisingly but with great woe I can answer "yes". I would rather "live too much" and "make the beauty that I love be what I do" than to watch others live life too much!!!

Be a participant not just an observer in life. DARE to live life too much. I challenge you as I challenge myself to include all the things in your life that you love the most. Enjoy them daily. It is our life and no one can or should try to live it for us.

Now, if someone ever accuses you of "living life too much", you will know just how to respond to them.

You are worth it. Never forget that.

Making room for your dreams

~Learning to dream again ~ 

It is a wonderful part of our healing journey and the last but not least part of our "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" that we focus upon here at Singing a New Song (blog and Facebook).

It is not the last step but more of a goal. Once we can "learn to dream again" we will have "found ourselves and healed from abuse".

How DO we make room for our dreams??? 

Let's walk through the process of "learning to dream again" as if we are redecorating a room in our home or perhaps, better yet, a room in our parent's home that has collected many items that are "stored" among the furniture and living space. We have already dreamed of how we would like that room to look, until we walk into it and are overwhelmed by the emotions and memories found there. Our memories are represented by grandma's antique chair, the framed picture of dad in military attire or even a picture of ourselves in our mother's arms. There was so much living that happened here...how could we ever think of cleaning it out? We need to remind ourselves of our dream and how much we really want to see that room transformed.

Sometimes we need to see past all the stuff that has taken up the space where our dreams will come into existence. We have to dare to imagine that the room can look differently and then we have to find the desire to want it to look differently then we can begin to make decisions for many of the things that are in the way. This is deep emotional work. Many people have great emotional attachment to things and to give away, sell, or donate any possession can be traumatic and this is especially true for survivors of abuse who may have strong memories attached to these things. It would help us to start with a blank palette, as a painter does, in creating a place in our lives for our dream.

When we realize that we are willing and ready to let go of the past, we can patiently and carefully move aside all the stuff that are in our dream's way. This can be an arduous task but making it a labor of love to open up this room for your dream will make it all worthwhile. Try to see it as if you are decorating a baby's room for that expected little bundle of joy that will be arriving. We need to expect our dreams...welcome them and this is the way of giving them entrance into our lives by making room for them. As we toil, we may relive every moment, every tear and every joy that we shared there. We may even need to say "goodbye" to some of the things that we owned but we can take solace that finding them another home, another space, maybe even storing them while we decide where they will best belong.

We may need to prepare that space by doing some deep cleaning...soul searching. self-acceptance and even time of solitude throughout the process. Allowing ourselves to converse with our hearts and accept our dreams as reality is deep dream foundation work. We may need to do some serious deep cleaning to make room for our dreams. Like laying new carpet, we need to build our dreams upon a solid foundation. They deserve to have a fresh start.

Like welcoming a friend into your home for dinner, we are excited, prepared and happy to see them and looking forward to our time together. And when your dream is ready to "move it", we will have peace knowing that we have found other safe homes for our memories and our dream will move right in.

While your dreams are waiting for a place in our lives, let's open the windows and allow the sunshine to welcome them into their new home. Start seeing the room, "as it will be" once your dream moves in. Imagine the exhilarating freshness of the breeze through the open windows, the mirror on the wall reflecting the light upon a floral centerpiece holding all of your favorite blossoms, the crackling fire in the hearth, the softness of the carpet beneath your feet and the sound of a "new song" being played and you find yourself humming along.

Learning to dream again, isn't about fantasizing or imagining a life that is impossible. It is really about being mindful and aware of what your heart already feels, what it already knows, what it already sees. All you have to do is be open to hearing what your heart is saying to you. When you can "set aside all the stuff" that is taking your dream's space in your life, and imagine your dream THERE and that is when you will be learning to dream again...and I am sure that your dreams WILL come true!!!

When we grow the best

Journaling and documenting my healing journey has shown to be helpful and encouraging to others and I appreciate being able to share it with you through this blog and my Singing a New Song page on Facebook. I have been through abuse, denial, extreme emotional turmoil and painful memories and the "ascent" to a more healthy and happy life through "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".



When we are in an abusive situation, we may not even know "which direction is up" very much like a seed that is planted...really, HOW DOES the seed KNOW which way to grow???

We feel that we are being "left in the dark" regarding our situation and we "struggle to reach the light"...only to eventually find that it is the "light within" us that will guide our way OUT of an abusive relationship.



I am so very thankful to have found much help on my healing journey from abuse from many wonderful online resources and books. For me, it has been the PERSONAL and very intimate confessions of another person who has been WHERE I HAVE BEEN that has helped me the most. It may be that way for you as well...

I know that SPEAKING OUT against abuse and making my VOICE be heard has been a great part of my healing journey; I hope that it is part of yours as well. It is NEVER too late to STOP BEING ABUSED. No matter how many years you have been married. No matter how many children or if you have not worked outside the home...ever. NO ONE deserves to be abused.

I encourage you to JOURNAL about your healing journey; you may choose to write, type or creatively use an "art journal" (decoupage, collage and other mixed media) to EXPRESS YOUR SELF and see the wonderful person who is waiting to be "set free" from abuse...

Please consider THIS COMMUNITY here at @SingingANewSong (here and on Facebook)  to be your refuge from abuse, your home where you are always welcomed and loved and a place that YOU matter...YOU ARE WORTH IT...or I would NOT be here...

Sending you  LUV~N~ PEACE~HEALING!!!! 
I am "Singing a New Song" and YOU can be too!!!

Allowing myself to dream a bit...more.

I love the internet. Through many healing resources, I have "worked through" abuse issues and pain and found many ways to learn to live after experiencing abuse. I have been active on many different "forums" from anything from verbal abuse to personality disorders to personality styles and my newest "finds", Pinterest and Experience Project which have opened up possibilities for me to "plan to dream more".

Pinterest is fascinating; it is the wonderful opportunity to make "virtual collections" that you can enjoy without paying a penny for them...I have collected the HOPE diamond and the Mona Lisa. More practically, I am learning how to choose clothing and accessories to make "outfit creations" that I really like. It's a lot of fun AS WELL as being educational for me.

Experience Project has helped me as a writer, organizer and "encourager" in many ways. I have developed and am coordinating an "experience group" called "I CAN lose weight and be healthy and happy" for myself and many others who have these life goals. My reason for sharing this is to share the a question that was posted on the "QUESTION and ANSWER" section today..."What would your DREAM CAREER be?" The original poster assumed that the persons reading the question WERE NOT CURRENTLY living their "dream career" so I was intrigued and posted my answer.
Here it is:

Having written my book (which has not yet been written, in progress), 

I would like to hold seminars which include singing my own songs 

with my own band all for women who are 

"finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

I would LOVE to DO WHAT I LOVE 

(encourage others, share my victory stories and sing!!!)...

maybe someday. 

(actual answer)

To clarify my response; I am currently working on ONE book that does NOT have to do with "finding me or healing from abuse" but it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH LEARNING TO DREAM AGAIN...If it takes "dreaming" to DO WHAT I LOVE...then I am a dreamer!!!

I guess I share this with you today to OPEN UP the possibilities in YOUR LIFE to dream again. To NOT put yourself down or put those "silly notions" away. DREAM...DREAM BIG...it does not hurt anything and only makes it MORE possible for your dream to COME TRUE...I hope that this BRINGS YOU HOPE to speak out against abuse, find yourself, heal from abuse and LEARN TO DREAM AGAIN...

YOU really ARE worth it!!!!

What really holds us back from enjoying life???

Fear. 

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unfamiliar. 

Fear of facing that there IS fear and that we are living with something in our lives, like abuse, that needs to STOP and we don't know how we can do it. 

Sometimes we CAN'T make the abuse stop but we CAN remove ourselves from it. I believe that there is ALWAYS a way; even when we do not see it or even when we are afraid to look for it.

Nothing is impossible

It seems ludicrous doesn't it? Imagine a butterfly which weighs a fraction of an ounce (maybe not a gram of weight) trying to pull a pound (or half a kilogram) weighted rock. Ridiculous. Yet, I will propose that NOTHING is impossible. OH, I am not saying that the butterfly CAN pull the rock by a string. I bet that this would certainly BE impossible; BUT it is NOT impossible for the butterfly to free herself. Letting go of the weight that is tying her down. She doesn't HAVE TO pull the rock with her. Like abuse, if we can let go of the weight of abuse, then we can learn to fly again.


If our butterfly could grow muscles from the pulling of the rock, we could imagine that she will have become stronger and then if she were presented with a similar but less weighty object the next time, then perhaps, just perhaps...who knows what might happen. She just might be able to pull that rock along...or better yet, snap the string that binds her to the abuse...set herself free and "find herself", "heal from abuse" and "learn to dream again".



When we find ourselves in an abusive situation; we can VALIDATE ourselves and EVALUATE the situation and then ask ourselves "are we the butterfly who will be set free?" or will we continue to allow the rock to hold us down?
We have a choice...WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

Starting on the inside...

 

It is NOT uncommon to expect and receive
kindness or respect from others; except when 

you're in relationship with an abusive person. 

We look on the outside of ourselves to
find validation, praise and encouragement and we may find it in some places, but we are not likely to find them in a domestically abusive relationship. 

We usually can trust another person to not harm us, 

to wish us well and to hope for the best for us; unless we are married to or in relationship with an abuser. 

In an abusive relationship; 
the things that should be healthy, are not.

A Valentine for Hurting Hearts

For all the precious, lonely and hurting hearts on

Valentine's Day:

Valentine's Day may be a very special day for lovers but it seems to totally disregard the single, lonely hurting heart. Too many years I dreaded the upcoming "Lover's Holiday".  I would mournfully walk throughout the mall and see all the beautiful festive red and white displays declaring the "love the of the ages" and all the wares for sale to give to that "special someone". 

 

Every Valentine's Day, my heart was made sick to think that I had "loved and lost" before and was afraid that I might NEVER know that again. 

I was reminded of other dear hearted women who had been hurt and abused and face each Valentine's Day in the same way. 

I felt that this holiday was a very wicked reminder of the cruelty of abuse...again and again each year. 

I am so sorry for your pain. 

And most of all,  I'm sorry to myself  

for treating me worse than I would anyone else.

WHAT is possible? Dreams CAN come true.

We all have possibilities we don't know about.
We can do things we don't even dream we can do.
- Dale Carnegie 

  

Whose heart does NOT echo the sentiment of Don Quixote's song, to "dream the impossible dream"? 

Lyrics by Joe Darion
Enjoy on Youtube: To dream the impossible dream by Il Divo 

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ... 

If but for NOT appearing to be "impossible, would it "be a dream worth dreaming? Do we hold onto dreams because we think that they ARE impossible and so we don't FEAR them coming true in our lives?

I remember "dreaming" the impossible dream and I felt utter hopelessness and despair as if it could NEVER possibly or even partially come true. Dale Carnegie said it best that "we all have possibilities we don't know about." Wow. In my life, I had to come to the place where I had to consider that there was a possibility of seeing my dream come true before I felt safe enough to dream it. But I did believe, deep in my heart, that I COULD DO things that I had NOT YET dreamed of and because of this; I forged ahead and took the necessary and very intrepid steps TOWARD my dream. 

I remember sitting still and introspectively "looking at my life" and remembering the scene from Mrs. Doubfire.

"Ever wish you could freeze frame 

a moment in your day, and look at it and say

 this is not my life?"

As I evaluated the realness of my life; I fell into despair knowing what I was living in and I felt an unquenchable hunger for what I had been living without. I had nothing to lose. In my mind, it could "get no worse" and if I attempted to follow my dream and did not get it; I would be no WORSE off than living without it. I was "all in" as they say. It was "all or nothing" and I was ready for the "nothing" but the all; it was a bit overwhelming to even believe that my dream COULD come true. When I sent my Love a card in the mail I admit that I was more fearful of a positive response than negative one. His rejection would not leave me WORSE off than before and would confirm the "impossibility" of my dream whereas his acceptance of my love and place in his life would change me forever.  And it would also mean that I had lived without him and had been dreaming my life away for nothing.

  

Enjoy on Youtube:  All I have to do is dream by the Everly Brothers

So if you have a dream that you don't think has a possibility of ever coming true, then what do you have to lose? I encourage you, today...Dream!!! Throw you cares to the wind. I did. I don't regret it for a moment. My life has changed and will never be the same. Thank God!

You have nothing to lose but the "impossibility" of your dream coming true. 

PLEASE leave a check in box or comment below...thanks!

When I was too afraid to dream

I really love Amish buggies. I love to hear the clippity-clop of the horses hooves and the "jingle tingle" of their reigns on a gravelled Amish road as I enviously drive by in a contraption called an automobile. I love Canada geese, not Canadian as we think; but CANADA geese as they fly in their V-shaped caravan, honking grievously to each other. What music. I have always loves these two special moments in life but I suppressed my simple joys when I was constantly ridiculed for acting "like a child" in front of my own children. The joy of life (joie de vivre) was snatched from me by the attitudes, opinions and thoughts and demands of a selfish person. One whom I had trusted and loved had proved that he was no more a friend to me than a stranger and eventually became known to be only a Narcissist who used me to "make his way in the world". I didn't have any dreams that involved such a person. I stopped dreaming. I stopped living. I was too afraid to "dream the impossible dream" of living a life without oppression and abuse. I only wanted to dream of living a life where I could "be me" and enjoy all the wonders that the universe holds. But I was too afraid to dream.

I loved Cinderella with Lesley Ann Warren and Stuart Damon as a child. In many ways, I could relate to Cinderella in the song "In my own little corner" and I carried that sentiment with me into what appeared to be a hopefully good relationship with my second husband. There were days that I clung to the hope and glow of the inner life that no one could take from me.

I came to a point in my life where I retreated from this life; in denial of my true situation and "withdrew myself into my "world of music". My refuge from the harsh realities of life where the REAL life of the soul could flourish. I felt selfish in ways that I did not want my abuser to "be there" with me. He never was. This was MY refuge from him; from the abuse and oppression which kept me FROM my music for several years. It was then and only there, that I wasn't afraid to dream again.

Some people dream of worthy accomplishments,  while others stay awake and do them.
For more dream quotes:Fun Video Page (Dream quotes and links)

***It feels good to write...

I have kept SO much inside me; hidden away from the world and myself for the most part for SO many years that I thought that I might feel overwhelmed at first when it would start "pouring out of me". The funny thing is that I don't feel overwhelmed but I feel that I am reliving parts of my past, the best parts of my life in ways, again, and it feels good.It is a joy to be writing about a man whom I have loved for so long. It is invigorating to think of "how young" we were and the life and love that we shared. It is empowering and affirming to be with him again. It is to "truly live" to be with him in reality after so many years of the "dark ages" where only my dreams beheld his face, my arms encircled him and my lips kissed his. This story will also illumine the years that he also dreamt of me and how he gave up on having me in his life as well, until death brought us back together.

I am really trying to get my bearings on the organization of this book : 
"Back to OUR Future" a true 1980's love story rekindled 25 years later". I am in the process of outlining a ROUGH draft but where does one really start to write about the last 30 yrs of their "not yet 50" year life? I was just a teenager and G, 2 yrs, 3 months and 13 days YOUNGER than me, was only 16 when we met and fell in love. Yes, I realized shortly afterword that this set of "first loves" included an adult and a minor...WHO could have guessed. Over 6 feet tall, weighing about 180 lbs or more with LOTS of muscle, deep baritone voice, dark, course facial hair and his "savoir faire" manner in how he instinctively appeared more mature and FAR older than his near 17 years should have legally allowed. I smile when I think about how young we were. We were just kids. We fell in love for the first time, with each other. We feel in love for the ONLY time with each other even though both of us lived through marriages to two other spouses and now, we have fallen in love again for the last time at our reunion. We have come "full circle" and all is right with the world again.