When saying NO is saying yes...

IF 

a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, 

that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understand what abuse was all about because I realized that I might have been "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I should be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological, and financial abuse. It was nearly full-blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". 

This was now, about 16 years ago. Being married to a Christian at the time, was the complicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and Christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good Christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO came forth freely and confidently, whether or not it was heard. It seemed that he just would not take my NO for an answer. 

Bullies want to abuse you. 

Instead of allowing that, you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves first...and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop or we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the pushover to whom they have become accustomed. We must tell ourselves that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. Though we can not stop them from acting abusively, we can stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not being the selfish one. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!