Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen

IF a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understanding what abuse was all about because I felt that I was "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological and financial abuse. It was nearly full blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". This was just about seven years ago. Being married to a christian at the time, was the conmplicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO; whether or not it was heard by my abuser, was said and followed. Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen. It means that we will NO LONGER allow ourselves to be treated that way; sometimes this means leaving our abuse. This is usually what is needed. They don't lightly take NO for an answer.

Bullies want to abuse you. Instead of allowing that, 

you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves FIRST....and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop OR we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the push over that they have become accustomed. We must tell OURSELVES that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. We can not stop them from abusing them but we CAN stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not the selfish ones. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!

What's love got to do with it? An abuser's view of marriage. A TRUE story.

 
Imagine this scene:  A "christian" couple have been separated due to domestic abuse; the wife/mother has left the household eight months prior with their child living separately; totally supporting both she and their son with HER income alone (also paying for the husband's medical insurance as in the past 12 years out of her income). There have been NO sincere attempts by the husband at reconciliation or resolve of "issues" in the marriage; the wife has documented the hurtful words and behavior that he clearly exhibited for many years to only be disregarded and discounted. This meeting was really set up to confirm what the wife feels she has "yet to do".

She invites the husband and her Pastor and his wife (also a Pastor) to her apartment for a home cooked meal. Conversation is light and leads them into the living room for some more discussion. While the Pastor is talking about his marriage to his wife; the topic turns to his "role" as being a Christian man and the inappropriateness of "demanding" of  submission by a husband.  The husband pulls out his Bible and says to him "I don't want to hear anything that does not come out of this; I will not take any of YOUR counsel".

The Pastor quickly senses that this man is not one to "take anyone's word for it" and obliges him by taking his Bible which was pushed toward him and opens it to 1 Corinthians 13. The Love chapter. The Pastor persuasively reads the entire chapter aloud while remaining to stand and then hands the Bible back to the husband. With total disgust in his voice and obvious air of superiority at having been "read the Word", he so eloquently states (in question form but obviously rhetorical)  

"WHAT does THAT have to do with ME and MY MARRIAGE???"

That makes me think of Tina Turner's song "What's love go to do with it?" and according to this abusive husband LOVE has NOTHING to do with HIM or HIS MARRIAGE. His own words stand to testify of "his faith" and lack of love for his wife. Of course, to end our story, the Pastor proceeded to state his intention that he would  "not cast pearl before swine" by continuing the conversation and that it was "over" and thanked me for the dinner and headed toward the door.

Another choice response by the husband was,  

"Are you calling me a PIG?"

 On a more positive note:  LOVE does have EVERYTHING to do with a good and healthy marriage; whether you are married to "a person who claims to be of a certain faith who obviously does NOT practice what he preaches" or married to a wonderful person who has come to learn that there is NO excuse for abuse. Don't be fooled by a PIG in sheep's clothing. 

****For the record; I hope that you found this amusing. It truly happened JUST as it is recorded. The irony and humor was somewhat diminished at the time by the true shock that ANYONE would even make such comments. Looking back at this as "a pig in sheep's clothing" gives me a chuckle. Abuse is not funny but the stupidity of the abusive behaviour can truly be comical. To add to it; I have eaten "Kosher" for over 18 years. This IS a true story.