Accepting life as it comes

When we are pushed to the edge our our ability, resourcefulness and physical endurance; we have to sometimes stop trying to “make things right” and accept that life will go on; whether we like it or not. We feel helpless. We feel that we fail ourselves and others. We feel alone and confused yet we ask ourselves “What can I do?”. Sometimes, the answer to that may be “nothing” while most of the time, it just may be “more than I could have ever imagined”.

I remember feeling at a loss; grieving for a loved one whom I could not care for: my mother, my stillborn child, several friends whom I would have preferred to “be with” at the end of their lives; in hopes that I could do something to make a difference in their lives like they had made in mine. I remember feeling a sense of obligation; I wanted to be there for them. I wanted to hold their hand and comfort them at their hardest moments. I wanted to be a blessing to them and share my gratitude to how they affected my life; how much difference they made in the world; and in mine.

• Sometimes we “just can’t do” the thing that we would like most to do. 

• We would like to “be strong” when others are weak and most of the time, we feel weak as well. 

• Sometimes we would like to “be happy” when we sense negativity, but then again, for some reason, we get caught up in the same moodiness and can’t seem to “put on a happy face”. 

• Sometimes we would like to be wise and have the answers that others ask for but really do not want to hear.

• We struggle in sharing our experience and only hope that they would take from our example, that it is better to “get messy and make mistakes” as long as we are being true to ourselves more than anything else.

Accepting that we have a great need to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again" is the BEST thing for us to accept; let's start there. 

We are worth it!!!

Change is beautiful

There is no greater time to start believing that change is beautiful than during the Autumn Season. Change is part of life; it is the necessary recording of time that gives life a certain "je ne sais quoi". 


It seems to me that change must seem much easier to accept when we were children. We did not have to worry about consequences and payments, time restraints and commitments  Our only commitment was to "have fun growing up" and change was just part of it all, especially in our bodies with the "growing pains" that we endured. Even those growing pains, though big to us at the time, seem like little nuisances now in comparison to our adult problems. 

Why does "change" sometimes brings with it, a sense of hesitation or dread? I propose that it is the change that we feel very little influence or control over that we fear or dread the most. When we are in charge of the change, when we have the power and plan to proceed with making even deep, inner changes, we have confidence that we can succeed. But when change is cast upon us, thrust upon us, thrown at us in such a way that it obviously conflicts with everything that we have previously believed, it causes much cognitive dissonance... confusion in our thoughts.  From Wikipedia: Cognitive dissonance is the distressing mental state that people feel when they "find themselves doing things that don't fit with what they know, or having opinions that do not fit with other opinions they hold." Change can be beautiful, even when it comes with the pain of having to change our thoughts in order to accept and live with the results that change has left in our lives.

Next time you look at a leaf, fallen from a tree, beautiful changed in color from the green, chlorophyll rich leaves of spring and summer, just think of it as a "seasonal change" in the life of the leaf. It is natural and to us, it can be very beautiful. We can even think of ourselves, as a leaf, constantly changing and yes, getting older and naturally aging. Embrace the change you may not be able to "alter" to any great degree...it is life. Change may be hard at first, but realize that life is good and can only be made better by "going with the flow of change" rather than fighting against it.

Love does not die

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way. 
Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind.

You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, 
by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

It will nearly be a month since Mom has passed away. It still hurts me deeply to not be able to call and talk with her. My heart breaks when I see her picture and know that I would give nearly anything to give her one more hug and kiss. Tears stream down my cheeks when I think that I could not be with her in her final moments; knowing that again, my heart would break in even deeper ways if I had been. I feel like I have been gutted alive when I think that there is "no grave" to visit since her body was cremated, there are only ashes in an urn to culminate this beautiful life; it doesn't seem fair or right at all.

I can hear her voice and laughter. I see her smile; how contagious. I hear the hope and JOY in her voice that NO ONE could steal from her. I am so very thankful that she was MY Mom. I only hope to "make her proud of me" in the ways that I am raising my son; her grandson whom she loved so dearly. 

My eyes may never stop crying; my heart, hopefully, will NEVER stop feeling her love for me and my love for her. I miss her so very badly.

If you are grieving the loss of a parent; please accept a cyber hug from me today. 

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

Kahlil Gibran

My Mom and I in 1990 (?), she was already 66 in this picture.