As abuse survivors, we are most often SO hard on OURSELVES. We accept the weaknesses of others, allowing them to say hateful words and showing themselves to be unloving toward us. We are confused and TRY to make arguments that we are blamed for; make sense. We TRY to not do or say those things that seem to set off our loved one. They do not like for us to see them as being emotionally destructive or damaged but in all likelihood, a person who is unloving and SAYS that they love, is at least, self-deceived. We try to figure out "what we did wrong" when actually we are just loving them in our way. We are loving THEM at their worst. We may have learned or hoped that IF we love, we will be loved in return. This is not true with an emotionally damaged person who is abusive to us. They may deny that they have any problem in dealing (or loving) us. They may say that WE are crazy and need to be evaluated. They run from intimacy and fear abandonment but say that we are the ones who starts ALL the fights and we are ALWAYS wrong. These are behaviors that become known as ABUSE.
We feel that we can do so much to love a person who may inconsistently; almost like a Jekyll/Hyde personality, turn love into hate at lightening speed. We feel that WE are at our weakest and look for the comforting arms of the person whom we love, a person who behaves abusively to us. We want so badly to FEEL LOVED but honestly, if we are being abused, we are NOT being loved. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY.
A person who TRULY LOVES
will respect and accept YOU all the time
and their arms WILL bring you comfort
when you feel you are at your weakest.
The greatest enemy of healing from abuse
is denial that abuse is existing.
No matter HOW MUCH we love our abuser, if they exhibit classic abuser behavior, they need help. We need help. They may not be able to emotionally attach or respectfully connect with us.
- We may be experiencing verbal abuse;in the form of raging, name calling and threats. We are yelled at, accused and criticized WORSE than we have allowed anyone to treat us in our lives.
- We may be experiencing emotional abuse; saying that they love us but then their behavior shows a deep distrust and even hate while they try to push us out of their lives.
- We may be experiencing financial abuse; not working outside the home, we may have no access to "household" monies or are expected to take care of our "needs" with the little money that is doled out to us.
- It borders mental abuse when we are threatened with abandonment; to be homeless and be pushed out into the cold world that we thought that we were protected from by our (abusive) loved one to care for us.
- Physical abuse can often follow these abuses.
If you are reading this and finding the above statements slanderous or accusatory of you,
you may be the abuser in your relationship. Abusers abuse because in many instances, they were abused and damaged and are trying to live their lives IN DENIAL of the pain that they are in.
If this is you, please consider your life and how you can BRING love to yourself rather than push it away. NO ONE wants to stay with an abuser. Even if she loves you, she has been hurt and does not know how to help you feel better. Take the first step. Get counseling for your behavior and learn to LOVE the woman who loves you. *
WE ALL deserve to be loved and respected. We ALL deserve to feel accepted no matter how many mistakes we have made and how grievous the list of our weaknesses may be.
*spoken TO the male or other figure in a woman's life; does not exclude that men are also often found to be the abusee.
