Peaceful tidings...

Sometimes our peace comes NOT from getting along with a difficult person,
but learning to get along without them.
~Singing A New Song~

PEACE.

Isn't that all that any abuse survivor really wants in life only to find that like the elusive butterfly always seems to be just slightly outside of our grasp? We run AFTER peace but rarely slow down enough to find that PEACE can only be found within ourselves...this is a hard concept to visualize and accept for an abuse survivor whether we are still with our abuser, have left and have begun our healing journey or are still walking the healing journey after many years of solitude. I know that I expected peace to "come from" the person I love rather than create it myself. I was confused with peace and love. LOVE is given and received, PEACE just "is". 

One thing we MUST remember is that "NO ONE CAN GIVE US PEACE"...once we accept this fact, believe it in our hearts and ACT UPON IT by investing time and taking good care of ourselves, we are no longer chasing it, but it comes to us. 

This holiday season brings hope of peace...but we may not see or feel it. We KNOW that this "should be" a peaceful and loving time; time with family and friends, joyous celebrations with gift giving, bright lights and tasty treats to share with laughter and relaxation...but it may not feel that way for us. We may be struggling to try to "have peace" in an UNPEACEFUL situation...but the good news is WE CAN HAVE PEACE WITHIN US no matter what is happening in our lives outwardly. Abusers will abuse, many of them, possibly mentally ill rather than evil per se, "do not know what they are doing" when they treat us so disrespectfully and they have NO CLUE as to how hard WE ARE TRYING TO STAY WITH THEM in spite of their verbal and emotional abuse. (if you are experiencing physical or extreme mental abuse which may result in physical harm to yourself, please reconsider how hard you TRY to stay with them, you deserve to be treated kindly and be SAFE in your home.) There seems to be very little peace in an abusive home. But we CAN have peace within ourselves and THAT is the good news about this season. It reminds us the PEACE can be found...and no matter what you are dealing with this holiday season, remember one thing...YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Please take good care of yourself, be patient and compassionate. Set healthy and much needed boundaries and ENJOY THE LIFE that YOU want to live even if you don't see it that way in your household. Play music. Watch your favorite movie. Call a friend or family member. If you are impeded from doing the things that you NEED and LOVE, you are probably being abused. PLEASE take this as a challenge to care for yourself...YOU really are worth it.

I bid you good tiding of GREAT JOY and PEACE...now and for the rest of your life.

Merry Christmas and a VERY Happy New Year 2013.

Don't feed the monster...say NO to abuse!

Don't feed the monster  
(Posted from "How I survived" page)

Among my many studies of verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting and covert religious abuse, physical and sexual abuse and the healing of a woman's heart from these abuses; I have found a secret. Love yourself MORE and SAY NO to abuse. 

It sounds too simple I know but I know that I survived and healed from abuse because I began to see that I was worth it; I did not just think that I deserved to be loved, I believed that I was NOT being loved and being abused in its place. I realized that I wanted to be loved for who I am and NOT be used and abused by an abuser. I had to "see me" for who I really was. I had to acknowledge all the weaknesses in me and accept them. I lovingly embraced "me" and spoke gently and kindly to myself about my life and what I really wanted. I "had a talk" to myself about what I had allowed in my life and discussed the reasons why I had allowed abuse in my life. I had to intelligently, not emotionally evaluate what I believed to be true for my life and the parameters of faith that I realized that held me bound to a monster for nearly 11 years. I did not realize what I had allowed to be done to me until I accepted that I was experiencing abuse. No one deserves to be abused.


Saying NO to abuse was a very long and arduous task. I remember say "no" for the first time and getting thrown back with the backlash of anger for having "put up a boundary". I was told that I did not have the right to "put up boundaries in marriage". I knew that I had the right to say NO. I had to learn that each NO was mine and I had the right to say it. I learned that WITH each no, there WOULD BE repercussions and retribution by my ex husband/abuser. I accepted MY RIGHT to say no and the right of another to abuse and disrespect my no but I did NOT have to accept the continual abuse that ensued. I learned that each "NO" made me stronger. I could say "NO" more easily, expect the negative reaction/abuse toward it and laughingly realize that this seemed nothing more than a game of "whose right is it, any ways"...and I WAS RIGHT for SAYING NO to abuse!

As time went on, I felt stronger and more resolute in each "NO"...I even got to the point of not even having to say no. I just DIDN'T do or think what my abuser demanded of me. I didn't reply. This is referred to as "detachment" and this is what infuriates an abuser. If we do not "engage" with them in their "little play", then they do not have anyone to abuse. It doesn't mean that they won't text, email, leave voice mails, lie to the children or neighbors or family members; many abusers continue to "try to get to us" ANY WAY they can. I HAVE REFUSED TO ALLOW MY ABUSER ENTRANCE INTO MY LIFE. Of course, I have a child with him and he calls to speak with him and sends mail and text messages, but I AM NOT ACTIVELY EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED OR ATTACHED to what he does or says or tries to insinuate about me; the only reason for his contact with me is his son and THAT is the ONLY reason that I will respond at all...

There is a helpful mnemonic device regarding HOW we can speak to abusers with detachment to avoid as much engagement as possible.

 
BIFF  
(when communicating in high conflict situations)