Don't feed the monster...say NO to abuse!

Don't feed the monster  
(Posted from "How I survived" page)

Among my many studies of verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting and covert religious abuse, physical and sexual abuse and the healing of a woman's heart from these abuses; I have found a secret. Love yourself MORE and SAY NO to abuse. 

It sounds too simple I know but I know that I survived and healed from abuse because I began to see that I was worth it; I did not just think that I deserved to be loved, I believed that I was NOT being loved and being abused in its place. I realized that I wanted to be loved for who I am and NOT be used and abused by an abuser. I had to "see me" for who I really was. I had to acknowledge all the weaknesses in me and accept them. I lovingly embraced "me" and spoke gently and kindly to myself about my life and what I really wanted. I "had a talk" to myself about what I had allowed in my life and discussed the reasons why I had allowed abuse in my life. I had to intelligently, not emotionally evaluate what I believed to be true for my life and the parameters of faith that I realized that held me bound to a monster for nearly 11 years. I did not realize what I had allowed to be done to me until I accepted that I was experiencing abuse. No one deserves to be abused.


Saying NO to abuse was a very long and arduous task. I remember say "no" for the first time and getting thrown back with the backlash of anger for having "put up a boundary". I was told that I did not have the right to "put up boundaries in marriage". I knew that I had the right to say NO. I had to learn that each NO was mine and I had the right to say it. I learned that WITH each no, there WOULD BE repercussions and retribution by my ex husband/abuser. I accepted MY RIGHT to say no and the right of another to abuse and disrespect my no but I did NOT have to accept the continual abuse that ensued. I learned that each "NO" made me stronger. I could say "NO" more easily, expect the negative reaction/abuse toward it and laughingly realize that this seemed nothing more than a game of "whose right is it, any ways"...and I WAS RIGHT for SAYING NO to abuse!

As time went on, I felt stronger and more resolute in each "NO"...I even got to the point of not even having to say no. I just DIDN'T do or think what my abuser demanded of me. I didn't reply. This is referred to as "detachment" and this is what infuriates an abuser. If we do not "engage" with them in their "little play", then they do not have anyone to abuse. It doesn't mean that they won't text, email, leave voice mails, lie to the children or neighbors or family members; many abusers continue to "try to get to us" ANY WAY they can. I HAVE REFUSED TO ALLOW MY ABUSER ENTRANCE INTO MY LIFE. Of course, I have a child with him and he calls to speak with him and sends mail and text messages, but I AM NOT ACTIVELY EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED OR ATTACHED to what he does or says or tries to insinuate about me; the only reason for his contact with me is his son and THAT is the ONLY reason that I will respond at all...

There is a helpful mnemonic device regarding HOW we can speak to abusers with detachment to avoid as much engagement as possible.

 
BIFF  
(when communicating in high conflict situations)







B-BE BRIEF--respond ONLY to the facts that NEED to have a response. Any "goading" or "hoovering" (see outofthefog.net) by an abuser does NOT NEED AN ANSWER. You are above responding emotionally and doing anything to defend yourself from his lame attacks to get you to respond. An abuser will say ANY THING to get you riled and "engaged" in his reality. DON'T go there!!! Be brief and businesslike. The less we say; the less they have to "use against us".


I-BE INFORMATIVE--I saw myself as a newspaper reporter. I gathered the facts, wrote up my article and spewed it out. Just the facts, ma'am. Only deal with the FACTS that are relevant to the welfare of your children; don't engage in any personal talk that is none of his business. Don't argue about "what he thinks"...it is NOT information that will help you, it is not needed, it is abusive and he has an ulterior motive and it is NOT to help you or your children. I put my Ex on a "need to know basis". I was very surprised to find out that he didn't NEED to know anything about me and very little about his son. I also "put the responsibility where it belonged" and would not allow myself to feel obligated to "help him" get information about his son. Long story ensues but for explanation, I told him that I would help him, he tried to get me to "do it for him", I said "no" without saying no, I gave him the needed information and I dropped it. Done.

F-BE FRIENDLY--Ok, I will say that I have not really embraced this one. I say "hello, thanks and bye" and that is about it. I do "not make a happy face" for him or his new wife. Well, being friendly to me means that I am not going to start a war by his presence. I am "friendly". It is MUCH MORE than he deserves but I treat him respectfully any ways.

F-BE FIRM--This one is vital after we have come to the realization that WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO. Again, being firm can be "without words" or nonverbal action that we DO NOT EXPLAIN, we just DO. Dropping him from my insurance was a good example. I was firm and resolute that I needed to drop him from medical insurance despite his email protests and threats that I "could not do that to him". I asked him if he wanted to pay for it himself and I would consider keeping him on (we were not yet discussing divorce but separated for more than a year at this time) and he refused. I sent a letter to his psychologist that he would not have the insurance after a certain time and hoped that she would be able to help him deal with it. I just DID IT. I have NEVER discussed this with him on email or phone at all. Being firm also means that WE know what we need to do, how to do it and then JUST DO IT.

I SURVIVED!!! And I survived by NOT giving him "ammo" to use against me. I played my cards close to my chest. I did not give "myself away" and I learned that I survived and dealt with "me" and the agony of realizing that I had been married to an abuser and allowed myself the time and gentleness to heal from it. I did not depend upon him, did not trust him but counted him as the enemy of my soul as he really was and would always be in my life rather than the man that I "should have been able to trust and be safe with"...We are NEVER safe with an abuser.

The sooner I realized this; the faster I was able to put the above practices in places and VOILA!, I found that I was emotionally detaching and finding ways to live my life without him that did not have the drama, trauma and stress that I had tried to accept as "normal" and "loving"...they were neither. They were ABUSE.

Say NO to abuse. Love yourself and keep your precious thoughts about you, your life and children to yourself. Don't give your abuser any information that he will certainly just "turn around" and use against you. Put him on a "Need to know" basis"...and certainly decide, that he does not NEED to know very much but YOU do. KNOW that you deserve to be loved and cared for; not abused. KNOW yourself and love yourself and respect yourself. KNOW that YOU have the RIGHT TO SAY NO to abuse.