Keeping your healing path clear

Even after many years of "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", I still experience "attempted abuse" from time to time. As you can suspect, from a former spouse/abuser who of course says to this day "I never verbally abused you". Gaslighting at its finest. I still have to remain detached, not lose my composure or feel that I am being attacked by him and need to defend myself. I apply "good self-talk" to walk myself safely through a "discussion" with him without losing sight of where the abuse has brought me...to a place where I am in control and can keep my life FREE from abuse.



Along my healing journey, I have learned so much about myself that I would love to share with you in easy steps that you could just follow, unfortunately, it is not as easy for me to "set my life into easy to follow steps" anymore than it would be for you to follow them and get the same results. So in lieu of this, I attempt to share bits of wisdom, insight and personal growth that I have acquired over many years. I try to encourage you to "take good care of yourself", be mindful, be "gentle" with yourself, and push denial far from you so that your healing path would remain clear.

As many have said and as you might have heard before about "holding onto your healing", I see this as being an appropriate thought as we travel our healing journeys. Every forward step needs to be "stabilized" and "set in stone" as to not have to walk that way again. Every accomplishment, every insight, every success needs to be celebrated.

When we must talk with a former abuser, we need to remind ourselves not only of "who they are" to us and what they have done but also that our boundaries have changed. They no longer, even through their most valiant efforts, are able to penetrate them, because we do not permit it. We have control of our lives now. We make sure that whatever they say to us that we see it AS IT IS...abusive, controlling, manipulative, lies and even "gaslighting". Funny thing is, though we grow on our healing journeys, they have not. They may continue the "same old" song and dance as they used when we were not quite aware of the insidiousness of the abuse that they used on us. It just doesn't work anymore. We see it for as it is...ABUSE.

We can now call a lie, a lie. We can now see our "once perfect" abuser for the liar, manipulator, conniver, controller and most clearly, as the pitiful person who we once loved. We deal with reality, we stay "in the moment" and we realize that we are "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". It is a great thing to be "singing a new song". No matter what we need to go through to reach this place, we will find that it has been worth it because WE are worth it.

Staying focused

I feel overwhelmed by the many news stories: 

• Three women held hostage for over 10 years were freed
• A long trial resulting in conviction of first degree murder 
• The harrowing recapping of tragedy in the Benghazi hearings. 
• IRS invading Americans privacy seemingly due to their conservative or religious stand. 

All seem so stressful individually for many reasons but what mainly effects us at times is that we find NO resolve and we feel the stress and we may experience flashbacks triggered by words, actions and behavior of others. 



I have found myself straying from focusing on "finding me, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...I have found myself getting upset about the world's stresses and pains and feeling them within my body; something that my body is not intended to take upon itself. I have realized that we just have to TAKE TIME FOR OURSELVES and leave the world on the outside...most of the time anyways. Focusing on "finding the beauty in the ordinary" is an excellent exercise in mindfulness.

Thich Nhat Hanh on The Practice of Mindfulness 

"Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in."

 It is such a simple practice, but it can transform your life. 

The great meditation master THICH NHAT HANH 

teaches five mindfulness exercises 

to help you live with happiness and joy.

Five Mindfulness training exercises (article)

1. Reverence for life
2. True Happiness
3. True Love
4. Loving Speech and Deep Listening 
5. Nourishment and Healing 

We deserve to "stay focused" on our healing journey and we deserve to give our energy toward ourselves; in staying in the moment than in the past or future which overwhelms us with memories or uncertainty. The sooner we begin on our healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", the better we will be able to accept and adapt to the increased stress and emotional demands that this world makes upon us. 

As we look forward to this Memorial Day weekend here in the United States, we honor the many men and women who have served our country and even given their lives. It is sobering to think, that anyone would give so much for love. May we all experience the kind of love that drives us to "give our all". It is the kind that deserves our focus. It is the kind of love that makes our life rich, and oh, it is the kind of love that helps us "Sing a New Song".

You are worth it!!! 

Taking charge

How many times, have we heard it said to us or have we heard or said it to someone else "Take some responsibility". Doesn't it sound like someone is going to be blamed for something? In that case, who would really want to "take responsibility? Let's reframe the concept and talk about TAKING CHARGE OF OUR LIVES.

Most people do not really want freedom, 
because freedom involves responsibility, 
and most people are frightened of responsibility. 

~ Sigmund Freud ~

One definition of "charge" is: to instruct or urge authoritatively; command. It is a positive, empowering and direct way to define our own role in our own lives. To me, it doesn't imply blame or guilt of wrongdoing but deposits power and authority. I can "take charge" of myself, my behavior and my life, of course, I am responsible for my actions, words and deeds but I am also THE authority in my life and when it comes to accepting responsibility in order to gain freedom, this is a good thing to know. 

The struggle with power seems to the crux of abuse. Abusers want control over others but seem to have little control over themselves. There can be a constant "power struggle" that simply means that one or both are trying to control the other. When you say "NO" to abuse, you let go of trying to control the person who is abusing you and you TAKE CHARGE of your life and "take your power back". This is healthy. This is the result of setting healthy boundaries and this promotes "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

We always have control over our own actions, even in the moments when there seems to be "no out", there is a way of escaping being trapped and controlled. The best and quickest way to take charge of yourself is to detach emotionally and physically from an abusive person or situation. Let go. Back off. Leave. You cannot be controlled and abused if you are not with the abuser. It may feel like they are mentally controlling you but this is where we have the right to set our boundaries, take our power back and say "NO" to abuse. They cannot control us if we do not see or respond to them in any way. 

We take charge of our lives by realizing that we deserve to be happy. We deserve to find ourselves. We deserve to discover the wonderful person who has been oppressed, abused and denied personal growth. Abuse makes me angry. Let your anger be your ally and permit your anger to set boundaries that heal you heal and begin your healing journey.

You really are worth it!!! ( I repeat this TRUTH so that we will begin to believe and act upon it...
soon we will be "Singing a New Song". 

Dealing with difficult people

Not everyone is as easy to love as I am...I hope you are laughing at that and that you realize that we all have "our moments" when we can be a "difficult person" for someone else. There are times that we may respond through our pain with defensiveness. We withdrawal in fear of conflict or attack. We may even use anger to push others away. These common defense tactics are developed in response to abuse and its damage and sometimes we may be able to see this behavior and attitude within ourselves.

A difficult person, is, like, you know who I mean. You have a picture of a loved one who rages or acts irrationally or immaturely. Their behavior is at times irrational, rage-filled, unloving and even abusive.

We are accused of many things:

1. Not listening
2. Being disrespectful
3. Interrupting when they are talking
4. Twisting their words
5. Not speaking English
6. Being "crazy"
7. Being "evil"
8. Not caring about them
9. Only caring about ourselves.
10. Being "the problem" that they have.

These behaviors are not rational, kind or reasonable. They are far from being considered "loving" and if someone is saying these things to us, we have the right to ask them to STOP the accusations, blame and just plain senseless behavior (JPS...coined by Patricia Evans in her book Victory over Verbal Abuse (Amazon) ). They are "defining" us when they call us names like "crazy" and "evil". Defining, or telling someone what they are thinking or what their motives or feelings are is considered to be symptoms of abusive behavior; verbal, emotional and mental abuse. It is not only hard to remain in a loving relationship with someone who behaves in the above ways, but one must question "why" we remain in such an unloving situation.

We could "label" them as being verbally abusive when it is more likely a situation that is revealing how mentally and emotionally unhealthy they are. They are unable to see how their behavior is affecting us. Some have said that "hurt people hurt people" and I have found this to be so true. We do not cause their behavior, we cannot change it and we cannot cure them. We need to radically accept that "something is wrong" and do our best to develop good self-talk, mindfulness and "taking good care of ourselves". In some instances, when the difficult person is refusing to accept responsibility for their own behavior and denying its affect on us, we must develop detachment and see ourselves with objective eyes rather than the eyes of our difficult person.

We deserve to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". We deserve to have loving, supportive, fun and happy people in our lives. We really are worth it!!! 

What is a mother???

"Mother" is a concept that cannot be fully realized until the position is filled by a woman, pregnant with potential of new life bearing a heart that is fully engaged to being the sole provider to a child. Being a mother is an really an attitude, a perspective, a way of life. If you are a mother, you understand this. If you are not, you should be in awe of it!

I am thankful that I had a good mother whom I loved very much. She was not overly demonstrative with affection or praise because she was abused as a child by both her mother and father and then oppressed for years with my own father but she knew that her words could either be very helpful or hurtful to the hearts of her children. She would often say "a child will only live up to your expectations, speak highly of them and to them of themselves". She did her best to respect herself, care for herself and not dishonor herself with negative talk nor slander or even truthful speaking of others behavior toward her. She was loved by so very many wonderful people. Many adopted her as their "second" mother. She passed away September 16, 2011 so I am looking at this second Mother's Day since her passing with bittersweet waves of emotion.

I have had to learn to be a mother to my son...it wasn't hard. I think that true mothers are birthed as soon as they see their newborn baby. Her heart fills with love, her eyes fill with tears and her whole being is dedicated, at that moment, to this beautiful and precious child. My experience started with having atrial fibrillation...my heart beat was out of sync and fast! My heart was beating irregularly at about 150 beats per minute compared to my son's heart which was beating just as quickly. I gave birth to him through Cesarean section at 33.3 weeks gestation or nearly 7 weeks premature. He was 5 lbs and 12 oz and 18 inches. He remained in the neonatal special care nursing for 13 days. I tried to breast feed him but he would not "suck" and so I pumped mother's milk with the immunity building colostrum for 10 weeks before I returned to work full time. Being a mother has changed my life. The transformation happened instantly and continued to change me daily, I became a mother more each day. There is nothing in the world like being a mother. I would not exchange it for any talent, skill or career.

I share this Mother's Day with you, dear Singing a New Song friend and hope that you will have all the joy, love, peace, smiles, hugs and kisses that you can bear. YOU are worth it!!!

You are not alone

Why does the "night" or dark times in our lives seem to be SO long? The dark has a way of making time go more slowly, it is harder to see what is going on but most importantly to abuse survivors, is that it is in the dark when we feel most alone. Evil deeds are done at night, it is a time when things are hidden and truth may not be so easily found but it is a time that we must "go through" to reach a more enlightened part of our lives. Times of solitude, going through the dark and alone times, are opportunities for healing and growing as individuals. 

I remember so many times, during the night, when I felt the weight of the pain of abuse. My mind reeled at the "crazymaking" statements, expectations and demands made upon me, just a normal, wonderful woman. Those nights seemed so long without resolve. It felt as if the dawn would never get here. It was then that I realized that being alone was not the worst thing that I had endured. I enjoyed by own company and could entertain myself and think for hours about things that I loved and distract myself from horrifying verbal and mental abuse. At times like this, our minds and our interests can help preserve us and keep us sane and focused on more healthy things. 

I have spent many early mornings patiently waiting for the sun to rise. In those quiet moments, all "was right with the world". Time spent in solitude is not the same as loneliness. When we realize what wonderful people we are, it is a joy to spend time alone with our thoughts. The dark is no longer our enemy or the one that only hides the light. No, it becomes a time of anticipation, knowing that the dawn is coming and the sun will rise again, we can enjoy it and "walk through it". Just like in times of darkness in our lives, abuse and confusion seems to squelch the light and love that we all need and deserve...but we need to believe and hope that the sun will rise tomorrow...it is a new day. We have made it through the night, we can be thankful and look forward to another day. 

Going though abuse and then the beginning the healing journey of "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again" is like going through the night and looking forward to a new day. No matter how dark the night seems, it will pass...the sun will rise again. You CAN sing a new song!!! You are worth it!!! 

In process...

Where are YOU in the process of "Singing a New Song"? 

"Finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". This is the process that I have found to naturally occurring in my life. It may be helpful to you as well to "plot your progress" along with me as we work "through the process" of "Singing a New Song".

We have often heard the saying "It is IN PROCESS" meaning that it, whatever "it" is, has started but is not yet completed. It is somewhere "in the process". I often ask on the Singing A New Song Facebook page and our blog at this site, the same question over and over again.

WHERE are YOU in the process of healing from abuse? 

Have you begun to find yourself?

 Are you struggling with healing from abuse? 

Are you thinking about learning to dream again? 

Do you feel a different life within you from the one you are living in "reality" and perhaps, it is a "new song" that is being written within your soul...can you hear it??? Hum along. Is it a jazzy little upbeat number, a bit on the happy side or is it a spicy, exciting adventurous or mysterious tune that intrigues and entices you to dance a bit? Maybe it is a beautifully soothing instrumental meditative melody that creates a blanket of comfort and a place of rest and relaxation. Perhaps...oh, we could go on and on...only YOU know what may know what "your song" sounds like...even if you are still "in the process" of "Singing a New Song". It is there. You will find it. It WILL be glorious!!!

My song has always been a "declaration of freedom" and a spunky and gutsy "free to be me" anthem sung full voice, with color, confidence and clarity. Some times, it has softened to a love song...a longing to "do what I love" and to fully embrace all the beauty around me and even an encouragement to create more beauty outwardly that I see within.

No matter WHERE you are in the process, it is MOST IMPORTANT that you become aware of your process of living. What area of life are you wanting to start spending more time and effort into developing and enjoying???

If you are are struggling with self-esteem, self-image or damaged core beliefs,
     You may be ready to "find yourself".
If you feel psychic and emotional pain, struggle with triggers and flashbacks of past abuse and it is obstructing your ability to enjoy life,
     You may be ready to focus on "healing from abuse".
If you LONG for a better life, have visions, identify misplaced hope or delusion and realize that you have lived in denial for too long,
     You may be ready to begin to "learn to dream again".

Where ever you are...don't judge yourself in how you got there. We have all gotten to the same place where you are right now by just being human. By trying to survive. By trying to love. By being hurt and hopeful and disappointed.

You are NOT alone. You are not a loser. You are WORTH all the effort that you can give and a good counselor could invest, into "find yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

If you don't know where to start on your healing journey, START by believing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...
because you are!!!