Setting Boundaries: REAL LIFE STORY

What do you do to STOP abuse???

The truth is: we cannot really STOP abuse, BUT WE CAN 

STOP OURSELVES 

FROM BEING ABUSED...

This is MY JOURNEY of setting BOUNDARIES with an ABUSER*. The only problem with boundaries, not experienced by us but by our abusers, is they, like us, are not respected. Abusers cannot TAKE "NO" for answer"...

Watch the progression of BOUNDARIES that one very incessantly controlling man, father and ex husband has abused and NO LONGER HAS PRIVILEGE of using:

IN PERSON:
We moved out of Ohio and closer to our family in NC...
does this tell you anything???

PHONE:
I have had a personal experience of an abusive ex husband whom I must have "some" contact because we have a child together. I have custody of same child and was told "F YOU" over a speaker phone in my son's hearing (he was VERY upset with his dad for being so belligerent; and all because I had mentioned that HE HAD FAILED to tell me about a visitation with another family member and told my son NOT to tell me)
SO...I set a boundary: the PHONE would no longer be abused (and neither would I) and I would no longer "talk with him" (or listen to him since he does NOT hear me at all, ever...I think there is some mental illness but don't know for sure, he may just be a controlling abuser) ...
EMAIL was his mode to "talk sensibly" and "reason with me" and provide a "workable solution" regarding visitation travel...(read on)

EMAIL:
From 2002-2009, I received seven years of "poison pen" letters at my work email. Mainly spiritual abuse; "showing me" how I was supposedly not being a "godly woman" in saying "no" to essentially, his abuse of me...He said that "Jesus would speak that way to me"...(really????) He was told to STOP sending lengthy, abusive emails and he continued to do so. He would not accept my "NO"...so I blocked him (I was married and living with him at the time) and would not receive any more until 2009 when we separated and I wanted to have email contact with my son while at his father's house for visitation. Twists and turns of spinning his web of lies and cover up for HIS failure to agree to and keep a visitation drop off was clearly abusive. Mind boggling. Not workable at all. I told him that he has "lost the privilege" of using email system and that I would not respond, receive or reply to any of his emails.
SO...I set a boundary: Email would no longer be abused and
TEXTING would be his ONLY electronic media to communicate with me...
The Court would not permit this behavior and I do NOT have to endure it.

TEXT MESSAGING:
The last vestige of electronic media that he had not yet abused, to be used ONLY to provide communication of constructive and productive information, reasonable and respectful conversation, and a "workable solution" to the visitation problem (He rejected my offer of drop off of our son to him on Saturday, he "could not do it" and demanded that I bring him on Sunday, I was bearing the burden, nearly 3/4 of the total travel .
I was thinking that it would be less likely to be abused due to that it might be:
1) less comfortable
2) less convenient
3) not as quick
4) show him how obsessed he is with "getting the last word"
5) I CAN COPY AND SAVE text messages as evidence in court...(which he may think is not possible and thus allow him to verbally abuse me AND have record of it)

But in his USUAL ABUSER FASHION, he abused text messaging within 14 hours...
SO...I set a boundary: the text message system would no longer be available to him. I do not have to endure his incessant ranting and railing like a child having a tantrum.
SNAIL MAIL: is his ONLY mode of communication with me, he may still call and speak to his son but his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR will NOT be tolerated on "my electronic media" (he does not pay for it even).

But as usual with abusers, they will NOT stop abusing,

WE MUST STOP RECEIVING THE ABUSE...

He will continue to be abusive but he will I will NOT receive it any longer.

Abusers don't have any common sense. His thinking that he can get away with this is then to accuse me of not communicating with him...this is ABUSE. I do NOT have to tolerate it. If he has something productive, workable and reasonable to suggest to me. If he cannot learn to communication respectfully, I will cut him off and present this case in court.

ABUSERS ARE LOSERS. THAT my friend, is how to set boundaries and NOT receive abuse.

*This insidious brand of Abuser may be more commonly identified by the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder that his severe, abusive and controlling symptoms describe. This kind of abuser seems to believe that he is right, everyone else is wrong, he is good no matter how abusive he is told that he is being perceived. Insidious. Abuse. 

Today's blog entry is dedicated to Sterling...a new friend whom I met at the library today...we talked about her reading Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" and I realized that I had started this blog entry this morning, scheduled to post. 

Are you ready????

I have heard, time and time again, someone say 

"I will do it when I am ready". 

Really? 

Do we really believe 

that by making that statement 

that we will EVER REALLY 

be ready?

In preparing for a test, writing a college paper or report, learning to sky dive or competing in sports or the arts, even after all our our dedicated hard work and effort, do we ever really feel that we "are ready?"

Being READY all hinges upon how confident we are in any area. If we are willing to START accepting ourselves, loving ourselves and being patient with ourselves, we may see that we might not KNOW ourselves as well as we think we do. We do not "have to be ready" to know ourselves more...we just have to WORK at KNOWING OURSELVES more.

How about HEALING? The kind of healing that our minds and souls need to fully function in this world. The kind of healing that we need to have an healthy self concept, self respect and aspirations to live life "wildly, fully and freely and over the top". Do we really "need to be ready" to START find out the things that NEED our attention in our lives?

How about woundedness and pain of abuse? Painful memories, flashbacks and fearful images that block out any possibility of happiness. Aren't we READY for them to be confronted, identified, and given what they need to become part of an healthy life? We may have said to ourselves, excusing our attention to our own pain, "I just wasn't ready to face it". Are we EVER really ready to face the deepest and darkest part of our soul? How about the part that we deny even to ourselves though others may easily see? Aren't we READY to let go of the pain, learn from it and become stronger because of it?

How about DREAMING? When was the last time you spoke of a DREAM that you have had? I know that until I had "found myself and healed from abuse", at least to about an 80% point, that I was not dreaming. I didn't see it as a possibility. It was merely an exercise in futility and waste of imagination to dream of things that I KNEW could not possibly come true. Did I feel ready to dream? No. But as I was along my healing journey, I began to experience my dreams rising to the surface, breaking through the sludge and mire of my life; surfacing to breathe deeply of the fresh air and light of self knowledge and healing...The things that were most important to me, would no longer stay hidden. I no longer denied that dream as being REAL. I knew that I "just had to" find out if what I had believed to be true, WAS true...I didn't stop to ask myself "am I ready to do this?". I never even gave it a thought. I learned that there is something special about the heart's desires. What the heart wants, it is ready to receive.

There is no better time to ENJOY YOUR LIFE than right now. Don't ask yourself "Am I ready?"...by the time that you ask that of yourself, you have been making progress on the healing road of "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". There is no time to waste.

If you have loved and lost...

"'Tis better to have loved and lost 
than never to have loved at all." 

- Alfred Lord Tennyson




I have loved. I have continued to love. I will continue to love; no matter how much I have lost. I have taken refuge, comfort and consolation in Tennyson's famous quote: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." It reminds me that NO MATTER WHAT I have lost; I have not lost "love". I may have lost the subject, the person whom I loved, or may have lost them "for a time" but I have not lost LOVE. I do NOT REGRET LOVING no matter how painful that it had become to LOSE that one whom I loved.

Most of us have parents. Some of us even had good parents. Upright mother and father; maybe a bit quirky and not so perfect, but loving, providential and respectable. They may not have done everything right but we are thankful, like so many others, that they did not do everything wrong. I have enjoyed my parents who are both "gone" now. Today would have been my father's 90th birthday (Mom would have been 91 this coming January 18th). I miss them terribly but I don't regret anything that I did for them out of love. I regret nothing and am thankful for so much. 

I lost a child to stillbirth. That is really a loss that no one can prepare a woman to endure. That lose included the loss of my dreams. The loss of being a mother to a daughter of my own. I was going to name her Mikaela Rose (my family name as her middle name) and she was expected to be beautiful. A mixed and conflicting feeling overcame me as I learned that the child whose heartbeat had stopped just a few hours before, was a boy. A beautiful boy, I later found out after I "gave birth" to this precious child. My dreams of being a mom of another boy or girl of my own evaporated into a fog of sorrow and "loss". 

I have lost a love...one that I thought was "the one". One whom I had loved most of my life. I had lost him to mental illness. He was unable to "find himself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Maybe, it was during this time, that I realized the value of "Singing a New Song" for so many people who did not suffer from mental illness. Unlike a person who suffers from mental illness, one who has suffered mind bending, heart wrenching and soul crushing mental illness and was beaten with verbal and emotional abuse has HOPE for healing, health and wholeness. The loss of that love reminds me of an "eternal loss" as I promised that "I would not return to him...again". I loved him deeply and I am so glad that I had some opportunity to share my love for him, with him. It was a love that mental illness stole from both of us. I don't know which is worse: having lost it or having it stolen from you. I still do not regret loving him and never will. 

Never, ever regret loving someone. Even if it is someone who did not deserve your love. You have LOVED and that is the most wonderful, the most valuable power on the face of the earth that dwells within the human heart.