Setting Boundaries: REAL LIFE STORY

What do you do to STOP abuse???

The truth is: we cannot really STOP abuse, BUT WE CAN 

STOP OURSELVES 

FROM BEING ABUSED...

This is MY JOURNEY of setting BOUNDARIES with an ABUSER*. The only problem with boundaries, not experienced by us but by our abusers, is they, like us, are not respected. Abusers cannot TAKE "NO" for answer"...

Watch the progression of BOUNDARIES that one very incessantly controlling man, father and ex husband has abused and NO LONGER HAS PRIVILEGE of using:

IN PERSON:
We moved out of Ohio and closer to our family in NC...
does this tell you anything???

PHONE:
I have had a personal experience of an abusive ex husband whom I must have "some" contact because we have a child together. I have custody of same child and was told "F YOU" over a speaker phone in my son's hearing (he was VERY upset with his dad for being so belligerent; and all because I had mentioned that HE HAD FAILED to tell me about a visitation with another family member and told my son NOT to tell me)
SO...I set a boundary: the PHONE would no longer be abused (and neither would I) and I would no longer "talk with him" (or listen to him since he does NOT hear me at all, ever...I think there is some mental illness but don't know for sure, he may just be a controlling abuser) ...
EMAIL was his mode to "talk sensibly" and "reason with me" and provide a "workable solution" regarding visitation travel...(read on)

EMAIL:
From 2002-2009, I received seven years of "poison pen" letters at my work email. Mainly spiritual abuse; "showing me" how I was supposedly not being a "godly woman" in saying "no" to essentially, his abuse of me...He said that "Jesus would speak that way to me"...(really????) He was told to STOP sending lengthy, abusive emails and he continued to do so. He would not accept my "NO"...so I blocked him (I was married and living with him at the time) and would not receive any more until 2009 when we separated and I wanted to have email contact with my son while at his father's house for visitation. Twists and turns of spinning his web of lies and cover up for HIS failure to agree to and keep a visitation drop off was clearly abusive. Mind boggling. Not workable at all. I told him that he has "lost the privilege" of using email system and that I would not respond, receive or reply to any of his emails.
SO...I set a boundary: Email would no longer be abused and
TEXTING would be his ONLY electronic media to communicate with me...
The Court would not permit this behavior and I do NOT have to endure it.

TEXT MESSAGING:
The last vestige of electronic media that he had not yet abused, to be used ONLY to provide communication of constructive and productive information, reasonable and respectful conversation, and a "workable solution" to the visitation problem (He rejected my offer of drop off of our son to him on Saturday, he "could not do it" and demanded that I bring him on Sunday, I was bearing the burden, nearly 3/4 of the total travel .
I was thinking that it would be less likely to be abused due to that it might be:
1) less comfortable
2) less convenient
3) not as quick
4) show him how obsessed he is with "getting the last word"
5) I CAN COPY AND SAVE text messages as evidence in court...(which he may think is not possible and thus allow him to verbally abuse me AND have record of it)

But in his USUAL ABUSER FASHION, he abused text messaging within 14 hours...
SO...I set a boundary: the text message system would no longer be available to him. I do not have to endure his incessant ranting and railing like a child having a tantrum.
SNAIL MAIL: is his ONLY mode of communication with me, he may still call and speak to his son but his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR will NOT be tolerated on "my electronic media" (he does not pay for it even).

But as usual with abusers, they will NOT stop abusing,

WE MUST STOP RECEIVING THE ABUSE...

He will continue to be abusive but he will I will NOT receive it any longer.

Abusers don't have any common sense. His thinking that he can get away with this is then to accuse me of not communicating with him...this is ABUSE. I do NOT have to tolerate it. If he has something productive, workable and reasonable to suggest to me. If he cannot learn to communication respectfully, I will cut him off and present this case in court.

ABUSERS ARE LOSERS. THAT my friend, is how to set boundaries and NOT receive abuse.

*This insidious brand of Abuser may be more commonly identified by the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder that his severe, abusive and controlling symptoms describe. This kind of abuser seems to believe that he is right, everyone else is wrong, he is good no matter how abusive he is told that he is being perceived. Insidious. Abuse. 

Today's blog entry is dedicated to Sterling...a new friend whom I met at the library today...we talked about her reading Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" and I realized that I had started this blog entry this morning, scheduled to post. 

Heartache

Doesn't everyone experience heartache at one time or another? Abuse survivors are NOT exempt from heartache; matter of fact, from my experience and the experience of many other abuse survivors, it seems that abuse survivors have lived WITH heartache possibly even more than we have lived without it. It is unfortunate, that such loving hearts are so hurt continually, but that is the nature of abuse...it brings heartache to the hearts that love. 



The song (you can listen here; will open in a new window): Total Eclipse of the Heart: Bonnie Tyler (You tube) reminds me of loving a person who is experiencing abuse. Why do I say that? Because I truly believe that without abuse, heartache like this could not fully exist. I would only hope that no one else would ever experience the mind-bending, soul-crushing and heart-wrenching effects of abuse. 

I have been in an abusive marriage. To this day, he denies that he ever verbally abused me and that was only the tip of the iceberg but I never pushed the issue to "make him see the error of his ways". Matter of fact, he accused me of abusing his daughter whom I loved dearly and was "close to" for the first eight years of our marriage from the time she turned 8 years old. He even tried to charge me with abuse during our divorce proceedings which had NOTHING to do with our divorce so I "let him say what he wanted" without any defense or reply.

Losing my ex step daughter was a "total eclipse of the heart" for me. Learning that her father had done so much to sabotage our relationship; things that I could hardly believe that anyone could ever consider doing to another human being, that I fell into depression. My heart ached so badly that I could hardly bear to feel anything from it. When we have heartache, it means that we "love". I am not sorry for loving nor will I ever be. I will acknowledge that the pain of heartache was an abusive act by an unloving person toward one who had loved them...me. 

Finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again, in my experience, does not immunize us from heartache. Matter of fact, it may be that heartache, maybe due to LOVE, is the motivator for healing. I believe this to be true anyways and I am hopeful that someday, my heartache will lessen but I will never forget how I LOVED and I will never regret it.

It's all a matter of perception...

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” 

(Lao Tzu)

     Some may see a beautiful flower with a butterfly landing upon a slightly opened blossom. Others, perhaps see a beautiful woman. It all depends upon HOW we look at things. Do we accept the first things that we see as truth or do we look deeper to find a beauty that others may not seek?
     Reality. Some say that it is overrated but for the most part, isn't reality simply OUR perception of ourselves and the world in which we live?

     It seems to me that the biggest obstacles that we face in life may stem from our struggle with our concept of self-image and self-acceptance. If we want to appear to "be a certain way" and believe that our person is "honourable, honest or loving" for example, then we expect that all of our behavior WILL fall into a category congruent with that character. When it does not, cognitive dissonance; or "rationalization" as it can be called, calls for reduction of that dissonance.This is a very psychically painful situation and requires immediate attention and action.

It appears to me that the only way 

to truly find out "who you are" 

is to be willing to "let go" 

of who you think you are...