I don't care anymore!!!!

The first quarter of this NEW year has been an adventure and quite enjoyable. I would like to share some healing helps and thoughts with you that I have discovered and how I began to reengage with my aspirations and dreams.

It has been over a year since my relocation to my new home; I live in the beautiful area of North Carolina after moving from snowy and gray Ohio. I have truly learned that "home is where your heart is" and even while I was living in Ohio; after the passing of my parents, I realized that my heart was no longer there...it longed for and found much greener pastures and hope for life after much abuse and dysfunctional relationships.

I have learned:

Things do not matter: 

As much as I clung onto memories and memorabilia, I realized, finally, that what I have given up for my freedom and new life will always be with me. My love of my family members whose photos are not with me, remains with me. I do not need the photos, the gifts or the inherited items that I have left behind. I feel free of material things and hold onto memories and only memories of those whom I had loved and who loved me.

Time does not heal ALL wounds but time surely does allow us perspective:

It takes time to heal. I was trying to heal from many things; perhaps all at the same time. My focus was like a "shot gun" and I multi-tasked, as usual, even more so, to survive and heal. Time has allowed distance from the painful loss of my parents, the grave but overcomeable disappointment of relationship with abusive persons and change in my life and lifestyle as I relocated to be closer to remaining family.

Family matters...a lot!!!

My son has been my main focus; even before my wants or needs in this past few years. I have been successful in getting him the medical intervention he has needed to address ADD and he is showing himself to be a very loving, thoughtful, independent and free thinker who has learned about abuse and has been establishing good boundaries with those in his life, apart from our home, who have been abusive to me and him in many ways. He is my joy. My other family; brother and his family have been phenomenal in their support and encouragement. They may only truly understand the tip of the iceberg of the abusive relationships that I have overcome, but even in that, they have loved and cared for me and my son and my future. I have not been isolated or accused of inappropriate relationships with others and have made many new and wonderful connections and friends in this area. My friends have become like family to me; I have brothers and sisters within many organizations; church, chorale, not for profit, who truly bless me and allow me to share my gifts and talents. 

The past is IN THE PAST:

There is no doubt that I have been through a lot. I have endured. I have survived. The past is in the past and that is where it will remain. I have even written "goodbye" songs to a friend (his widow mainly) who died from cancer.  I have resolved any unhealthy relationships by seeing them as they were. Songwriting and writing has been my solace and comfort. Seeing a written word of my own thoughts and feelings has been very healing. I have left it all "in the past, just where it aught to be". I have learned from the past but it is no longer part of my life today...it is only a shadow of "what has been"...my present and future is my focus.

There are cruel people in the world:

I have been too trusting and very naive in my life. I have depended upon others as I would have kept my promise to them. I used to believe that I was deceived, but I realized that I deceived myself into believing that others were the kind of people, honorable, loving and kind, honest, gentle and genuine, that I had thought them to be...as I am. They were a waste of my time and life. Whatever they knew of me, they were privileged to know. I count those who have hurt and tried to control and "punish" me for their own twisted internal pain, to be to be worthless apart from being a lesson to me in my life. I have worked through the anger of loss. The anger and pain of betrayal. I am done. I feel great about who and where I am and whom I have relationship with now. I no longer feel any obligation to them or care what they are going through. I learned a valuable lesson that not all persons are worth our time and our life.

I don't care anymore!!

I don't care anymore (by Phil Collins)

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey I'll do alright by myself
'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
D'you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more!

You know I don't care no more!

If you are still reading and find that you can relate to the process of healing; of finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again, I count you as a friend and I love you. Thank you for entrusting this blog and Singing a New Song on FB (along with our NEW "Healing and Hopeful" preparing women for healthy relationship after abuse FB closed group) to bring you helpful, hopeful, healing thoughts and encouragement. We do deserve to be healthy, happy and whole. We CAN be "Singing a New Song". We do not have to ever depend upon others for our happiness...we shouldn't. We are all we need.

Sending you LOVE and peace my dear friend.

YOU are worth it!!!

D