Time Is What Prevents Everything From Happening At Once.." - John Wheeler

Life is divided into three terms - 

that which was, which is, and which will be. 

Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, 

and from the present, to live better in the future.

William Wordsworth

Time is nothing more than an illusion; an invention of the human mind that keeps all things from happening at once. We celebrate an illusionary passing of time; a division of one era or period of our lives with the anticipation of greater possibilities for happiness.

Time Is What Prevents Everything From Happening At Once

 John Wheeler (1911-2008)

I feel that I have lived many "periods" or "epochs" in my lifetime. My young childhood, teen years, young adult, young married, moderately young single again without children, married with step child and then child of my own, single with child and rediscovering the depths of my person through the many tragedies that I allowed myself to experience at the hand of those who didn't even care for himself; let alone anyone else. In all of this, I have learned to practice good self care and I have grown. I am happy. I am at peace. I am ME and that is all that I have ever truly wanted to be.

Time has been fleeting and as I reminisce upon this past year; with all of the many opportunities for growth; I realize that the greatest blessings have come from the greatest disappointments. I have not left anything or anyone behind. There is no one and nothing that I am looking back to find or regain. What is gone is gone forever and I am at peace. I have lost both parents to death in the past 3 years. I have gained so much more than I ever could have imagined.

I have finally learned to let go of the past but still hold onto the lessons that I have learned and glean its wisdom. I have come to accept the present; however unexpected or even unwelcome but realize that it is merely but a stepping stone to my future and I may tolerate or endure for a night but as the scripture says "but JOY comes in the morning".

Through many years of mental, verbal and emotional abuse; I realize NOW that I did not deserve that treatment and I did not bring it upon myself. I have LOVED. I am guilty of loving a person who was not worthy of my love. I still loved and I do not regret it. I will never regret loving; only choosing the object of my love to be so sorely unworthy of it. Anyways, out of it came a wonderful blessing...a son who brings me great joy.

As you reflect upon your past year, remember that it is in the PAST and that what has passed has passed for a reason...Leave it there. Enjoy the present; whatever time that you are reading this; make a note in your mind and heart that THIS is my life; this moment, and cherish it. Look to your future with hope. Hope of who you are becoming and what you are contributing to this world. YOU are the only YOU that there will ever be and YOU are the best at being YOU. No one else can do it. However silly all of this sounds, I hope you sense the profound truths that it brings forth and find hope in this message.

Wishing you a wonderful 2015. It is bound to be the BEST yet!!!!

D

Your friend and Singing a New Song Administrator
Denise <3 nbsp="" td="">

Just for you

Thank YOU, Singing a New Song friend, for coming to visit, read, be encouraged, allow me to share an insightful moment with you here at Singing a New Song blog. I apologize for being so far behind in posting; and even with no posts; we have received over 1,000 hits this month and an average of almost 4,000 hits each month! Other Singing a New Song friends are from many parts of the world: The U.S.A., Russia, UK, Canada, India, Austrailia, Germany, China, Ukraine, Phillipines and many, many more. I have personally met so many of you; via blog, FB page, email, phone and even many in person. It is my pleasure to meet with others who are self aware, intelligent and compassionate. I love to talk about personal growth with others who are on their healing journey of "finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". 

Our focus for this blog and FB page of the same name, is just this:

 YOU. 

YOU are important. Not the person who is criticizing you for reading a self help book. Not the person who puts you down, calls you names and so hatefully (toward themselves if you ask me) use you and then blame you for abusing them. NO, this is about all about YOU, the survivor of abuse. Your concerns, your pains, your joys and your victories. You have endured a LOT and you are growing stronger and able to accept more truth into your life that will certainly SET YOU FREE from other's expectations, demands and controlling behavior.

I have just recently learned that those whom we have termed "abusers" don't like to be called that. For example: I have heard it say to me and of me, "you're abusing me" when I have set a boundary and said "NO" to abuse. We have every right to SAY NO if we want to and mean it. We do not have to give into abuse; not even if there is a "reason" for it like mental illness. It is still ABUSE. 

I think that most abuse survivors can relate to this...haven't we all heard that...when we show our pain, they turn it around and blame us for their pain...Their projection and denial will not allow us to be heard. Abuse is NOT ABOUT US...it is the projection of a twisted, wretched, tormented mind and heart to the nearest person to them; usually the most loving, understanding and compassionate who have dared to love them. THAT is how abuse occurs and why it perpetuates.

Oh, I understand that some of who we have called abusers are actually suffering from mental illness (and you can't even breathe the thought around them, they will vehemently fight tooth and nail to refute it) and will even accuse us of having mental illness...

By the way; mental illness is not something that should be blamed on anyone. It is not a title that anyone should ever be called. It is a MENTAL ILLNESS; only differentiated from physical illness because of the need to HIDE it due to the Stigma of Mental Illness and lack of knowledge of Mental Health. Too many "walking wounded" are in our society; hiding their secret pain, their secret shame. Only those of us who have dared to draw close to them; drawn by whatever 

They take no responsibility for their behavior and give no reasonable explanation of why they behave as they do. So, does knowing this make our pain or suffering or abuse from them any less or different? No.

SO, if an "abusive" person is really not an abuser or mentally ill...then WHY does their behavior NOT CHANGE when we kindly ask them to respect us and stop their name calling, discounting, dismissing and controlling behavior???

Seems to me that they don't care what they do to us;
but they don't want to "see themselves" as being BAD. Bad IS as Bad DOES. I can look back and say that I was stupid for getting involved, loving or trusting him but then again, I can forgive myself for "stupid". How does a bad person forgive themselves and ask for other's forgiveness??? They don't. That's the problem. 

We deserve to take good care of ourselves; because in this life, as evident in mine with two such persons, there are people who do NOT care about us...they do NOT want to love or treat us respectfully. I would go so far to say that they do NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE and don't deserve our love. They are "users" at the least and abusers and not worth our time. 

It is a GREAT time to take good care of ourselves; no one is going to do it for us.

The Gift

When you lose something in your life, stop thinking it's a loss for you...

it is a GIFT you have been given 

so you can get on the right path 

to where you are meant to go, 

not to where you think you should have gone.

~ Suze Orman ~

Have you embraced LOSS in your life? I have. I have welcomed loss and embraced the greater opportunities that I NOW have after having "received loss" in my life. It sounds like a contradiction in terms or paradox but we CAN receive loss...and I have received many losses and view them in my life as a GIFT.

I lost both parents to death; 15 months apart. They had lived full lives and I had the privilege of caring for them for the majority of the last 5 years of their lives as their health declined and lives came to an end. I am so thankful to have had good parents. I miss them of course, but I realize that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". In some strange way, this thought brings me much consolation and peace.

I have known, loved and lost to death several wonderful people of note in my life. Family members: My Grandmother, Great Uncles, Aunts and cousins. Neighbors: Mrs. Breyer's; the first Akron Police Deparment woman officer. Richard "Pa" Weldon; a beloved school choir director, church choral director and friend. Papa Max. An Lithuanian Holocaust Survivor; a very intelligent and loving man. Jeri Rhinehart. My music friend and opera aficionado whom I enjoyed watching and attending operas. There are so many others but these are at the TOP of my all important people in my life whom I have lost to death. I have been so blessed to have known these dear people of substance and authenticity. They ADDED so much to my life. I have to smile when I think of them; sometimes with an appreciative tear in my eye for all the beauty and love they brought to my life.

I have had several wonderful pets including several dogs, a few of them were just puppies, and even a feline and a few feathered friends. I will hold wonderful memories of fun in the sun at the dog park, providing dance music for my bird friends, and having the ability to nurturing an older "scaredy" cat who had been so neglected. I love animals and so appreciate having them in my life. The ones who may still remain alive, have lost a mother in many ways and the love of a special child who truly cared for them. I enjoyed making "Frosty Paw" treats and treating kitty to some "kitty pot". My most wonderful memory of a feathered friend occurred only a few days before my departure. A beautiful Blue and Gold Macaw, quite bright and supposedly a "one person" bird; blessed me with the privilege of allowing me to take her out of her cage without any attempt to bite or peck at me. She sat sweetly and happily on my hand without climbing up on my shoulder in a dominating stance then allowed me to pet her and kiss her on the beak before returning her to her cage. I supposed she had "made me her person". 

I have had so many valuable; albeit many more of sentimental rather than monetary valued possessions. I can say that I think that I have given away more of my belongings that what I have owned; which sounds absurd but that is certainly how it has felt. Maybe I wasn't their owner but perhaps I was just borrowing them for a time. They are all just things and I don't hold onto things or people if they don't ADD something to my life. 

I have not accumulated or hoarded things as a recluse or one who needs the security of things to have some peace in life. I have found peace in letting go of things. I have FREED myself from the prison of wanting something that I no longer own or enjoy. I do not have to "have them" to be happy. I am very happy and will continue to be happy without them...the things and persons will forever remain in my past. They are no longer a part of my life. I can SMILE about that. I have enjoyed them and let them go. 

I am free to embrace the moment; enjoy each day with new relationships; love, interests and hobbies that provide many more wonderful memories. 
As far as looking somewhere over the rainbow for happiness; I have found that I feel much like Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz who said: 

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, 

I won't look any further than my own back yard. 

Because if it isn't there, 

I never really lost it to begin with! 

Is that right? "

Maybe like me, you will hopefully discover that YOU are the person whom someone else has LOST due to neglect, abuse, unloving behavior who was a person who just wasn't worthy of you in their lives. 

Those who are worthy of your love, 

will keep and honor your love, 

not lose it. 

We may feel that we were foolish for loving or trusting something that was taken from us when actually, we are the most blessed people of them all.  But really, they DON'T MATTER TO US anymore. We are free to focus on things and persons who bring WORTH and JOY into our lives. We can be happy with ourselves even if we lose everything and everyone who once meant anything to us.... The ONLY thing that we truly need is ourselves.

We may feel that we have lost so much in our lives but We HAVE SO MUCH MORE than we have ever lost. Just hold onto memories that bring you joy; the rest doesn't matter at all. 
You have yourself, the GREATEST GIFT that anyone can have.

When saying NO is saying yes...

IF 

a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, 

that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understand what abuse was all about because I realized that I might have been "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I should be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological, and financial abuse. It was nearly full-blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". 

This was now, about 16 years ago. Being married to a Christian at the time, was the complicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and Christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good Christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO came forth freely and confidently, whether or not it was heard. It seemed that he just would not take my NO for an answer. 

Bullies want to abuse you. 

Instead of allowing that, you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves first...and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop or we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the pushover to whom they have become accustomed. We must tell ourselves that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. Though we can not stop them from acting abusively, we can stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not being the selfish one. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!

Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen

IF a person doesn't want to stop abusive behaviors, that is up to them...

If we want to stop being abused,

that is up to us.

Sometimes I have wondered if I took the long path to understanding what abuse was all about because I felt that I was "conditioned" to accept it as a child. You know those things that parents of our generation said "Play with little Chrissy, she doesn't have any friends" and you responded "I don't want to play with her, she is mean and that is why she doesn't have any friends"...and then my mom would reply. "Play with her anyways". I loved my mom but I realized several years ago that her insistence that I be "the kind one" was really setting me up for being abused by others. I felt that "saying NO" was being disobedient to my parents. It was not being a nice person. This is one way that we can be conditioned to accept abuse in our lives.

After many years, of loving a person with a severe personality disorder and high IQ and after a "friendly" but not truly loving marriage with my first husband, I was nearly 40 years old before I recognized verbal abuse. I thought that it was just disrespectful speaking and did not see the pattern of abuse forming. From verbal and emotional abuse came spiritual, psychological and financial abuse. It was nearly full blown control and disrespect of me as a person before I called it "abuse". This was just about seven years ago. Being married to a christian at the time, was the conmplicating issue for me. (I have written about this several times; check abuse and christian marriage labels on this blog for more posts). I felt that saying NO made me "not a good christian woman and wife". This myth perpetuated for nearly 7 more years before my NO; whether or not it was heard by my abuser, was said and followed. Saying NO doesn't mean that they will listen. It means that we will NO LONGER allow ourselves to be treated that way; sometimes this means leaving our abuse. This is usually what is needed. They don't lightly take NO for an answer.

Bullies want to abuse you. Instead of allowing that, 

you can use them as your personal motivators. 

Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

~ Nick Vujicic ~ 

When we SAY NO to abuse; we are really are speaking to ourselves. We are saying "I will not allow myself to subject myself to anyone or anything that will speak so disrespectfully to me". It is "setting a boundary" with ourselves FIRST....and then when we SAY NO, we know that we mean it, we know what we deserve (respect) and we expect it to stop OR we will be prepared to leave the presence of the person who will not take NO for an answer.

Saying NO doesn't mean anything to a bully. Oh, it may tell them that they have to work a little harder to control or manipulate us. We are no longer the push over that they have become accustomed. We must tell OURSELVES that we will no longer entertain abuse. We can say NO to abuse and mean it. We can not stop them from abusing them but we CAN stop ourselves from being abuse by saying NO and walking away.

One very important thing to remember: Saying NO doesn't make us a bad person...not at all. It tells others that we are finally thinking of ourselves for a change. We are not the selfish ones. Matter of fact, anyone who doesn't kindly take our "NO" without a quarrel, IS being selfish and abusive.


Say NO to abuse, YOU are worth it!!!