It really is up to me...taking personal responsibility

Having gone through and thankfully, gotten OUT of an abusive marriage, I can really understand how one person can 'lay the blame' for their problems on someone other than themselves. Personality disordered persons (also known in medical circles as the "mentally ill"), especially with the types that I have been in relationship with such as the Obsessive Compulsive and Narcissistic Personality Disordered man, BLAME is their game to alleviate themselves of the pain and fear of personal introspection that would certainly lead to a major personality and mental overhaul which very few seem willing to even admit to needing. Taking personal responsibility for my actions, affirming that I have the right to make good decisions to make the necessary life changes that affect me positively (in spite of controlling persons telling me otherwise) will be the focus of this entry.

We can make positive choices to influence our lives for the better 

Believing that we are capable make positive choices is the first crucial truth that we must find within ourselves. Believing that we have the right to have a better life and make choices that can influence us for the positive is the position that we must place ourselves no matter how others may use it to try to abuse or control us. I could say "NO" to abuse when and after that I had "done all that I could and could no longer influence my family in a positive direction". I was resigned to having "done all that I could" and was at peace that I could and would start making decisions that would positively influence MY life; no matter what my abusive Ex said about it. I was responsible (only)for me again.

1.  Stop looking outside yourself for the answers

It seems as though we might have been "taught" to trust others and "submit" to those in authority and when these entities have been controlling and abusive we must learn all over again, how to trust ourselves and stop looking to others for the answers that we need. 

 

2.  Accept Truth as you find it. 

The truth about ourselves is hard enough to accept; how do we accept the truth that we are seeing in others whom we love especially when they seem to be making excuses for their behavior and and blaming us for all their problems? We must learn to accept rather than deny the truth.

 

3.  Accept that you do NOT have to be a victim of other's abuse.

This must accompany the epiphany that we "have the right" to NOT be the victim but chose to be a survivor of abuse. We have the right to say NO.

4.  Realize that all behavior can be controlling; chose to respect yourself and others

All behavior has its purpose but there is NO purpose other than control and disrespect with abuse. Covert abuse is so insidious that "bad behavior" can sometimes be confused as "being good" and there is NO such thing as "good abuse". When we find ourselves in an abusive relationship; we must decide to respond with good behavior and make decisions based upon self-respect rather than give into bullying. If they will not change to STOP abusing us, sometimes we just have to walk away.

 

5.  Accept that you have power to make needed changes. 

I have counselled adult women to choose to "make one good decision", just one at a time. Each good decision leads us toward our goal of change and a better life. We do not have to wait for someone to change but be willing to make a change in the ONE person whom we CAN change, ourselves. We have the power to make any changes that we need and we need to start with the fact that no one else can do it for us.  

6.  Head in the right direction.   

Like climbing a mountain, a good decision and positive action taken with "baby steps" is better as long as you are headed in the direction that you want your life to take...forward. 

7. Make the "best you" that there could ever be! 

I think of Rudyard Kipling's IF...and IF we take the path that NO MATTER WHAT is said to us; that IF we chose to move and act with integrity; we are taking personal responsibility and learning to live our lives to the fullest. 

Sometimes we have to take a page from "Bob the Builder" and say "YES, WE CAN!!!" 

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