Authenticity

original quote by Newsong4him.blogspot.com

Authenticity truly is a "higher level" aspiration in our lives and even more so after our self-esteem has been damaged by abuse. I have found that DECLARING who I am and even stating that "and I don't care who likes it" has been like a machete in a jungle bringing clarity to my path and safety along my way. I have the right to respect myself. To love myself and to BE REAL. I have the right as a human to "be who I am" with no apologies. As the above quote says: I may reflect you but I am STILL ME...

In abuse, projection is the destructive view of the abuser who unconsciously transforms all the motives that they may have toward me and you as if they are OUR motives toward them. During mentally defining and accusing behavior toward us, we must learn to VALIDATE ourselves; clearly STATE TO OURSELVES...that is "NOT ME" no matter how another, even a loved one, is trying to define us in order to alleviate their own pain by projecting their pain onto us. This happens more frequently in mental illness known as borderline personality disorder. No matter how much we love someone who may have any mental illness, we can STILL take care of ourselves and not take their verbal attacks so personally that we are in continual mental and emotional pain...having gained OUR AUTHENTICITY helps us VALIDATE ourselves. Pain that we feel, we CAN do something about. Ask yourself these questions: (from BPDfamily.com)

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?
A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.

Is Your Partner Healthy?
a. When your partner gets angry does she/he break or throw things?

b. Does your partner lose her/his temper easily?

c. Is your partner jealous of your friends or family?

d. Does your partner expect to be told where you have been when you are not with her/him?

e. Does your partner think you are cheating on her/him if you talk or dance with someone else?

f. Does your partner drink or take drugs almost every day or go on binges?

g. Does she/he ridicule, make fun of, or put you down?

h. Does your partner think there are some situations in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman or a woman to hit a man?

i. Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with your partner?

j. Do you ever find yourself afraid of your partner?

If you answered yes to questions in this group, please be careful and think about your safety.


Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you and which problems belong to me. 

What are boundaries? "Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. . . ." - Dr. Henry Cloud

Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives. We set boundaries in regard to physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoken to, honesty, emotional intimacy (such as how much we self-disclose to others). When one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers. 

The following characteristics indicate a problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.
~ Telling all.
~ Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
~ Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
~ Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
~ Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.
~ Acting on the first sexual impulse.
~ Being sexual for partner, not self.
~ Going against personal values or rights to please others.
~ Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
~ Not noticing when someone else displays 
inappropriate boundaries.
~ Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.
~ Touching a person without asking.
~ Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
~ Letting others describe your reality.
~ Letting others define you.
~ Believing others can anticipate your needs.
~ Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically.
~ Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

AUTHENTICITY is available...
we may have to fight our way through the abuse that has damaged us;
find ourselves, heal from abuse and THEN we will begin to start dreaming again...
and this time, it can lead to dreams come true
YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!