Life is a journey, not a destination ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

I once believed that whatever I did today would "get me to my future" tomorrow...

but somewhere along the way, I forgot to enjoy "today".

When I was younger, I "lived for the future" instead of being mindful and fully living "today". I have heard it referred to as "wishing your life away". I used all my energy to drag myself through each day; just trying to survive the mind bending, soul wrenching and spirit crushing verbal and emotional abuse. Each morning seemed like waking up finding myself serving a prison sentence and each night after working in an office all day, going back to my prison cell. I was surviving but not thriving or living. The presence of oppression and abuse seemed to confuse and cloud my vision of any "dream". The deeper I sunk into despair, the further away my "future" seemed and the more impossible my dream seemed to become. Over time, I began to realize that I was "in denial" and the breaking away of denial by TRUTH was freeing me to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

The epiphany finally came where I realized that I was LIVING MY LIFE right now and that just biding my time and weakly hoping for a future would not get me there. I started to find good things in each day; of course, they usually did not have anything to do with the behavior or person of my abuser but my other family members; my son, my mom and friends were sources of enjoyment and opportunities for relief from the hellish life I was living.

Being musical and "sensitive", I began to involve myself in my hobbies, my joys and my stress outlets. I realized that in these activities, I was "finding myself" in finding the things that brought me joy. I began to see the woundedness that I had endured and started calling it what it was; ABUSE. I treated myself kindly and day by day I learned to be patient with myself and to stop making excuses for others. Positive self-talk was vital at this point in my life. "Learning to dream again" was something that needed to be "excavated", after been deeply buried within my heart and consciousness. My dream was to be with the man whom I first loved; my first love. This seemed so impossible yet I dreamt of him and my heart would not let him go. I had no choice but to face my dream, deal with my feelings of its impossibility and I daily worked through my feelings, my fears and my frustrations until I could see myself FREE to follow my dream.

Why do we "put off until tomorrow what we (need) can do today???". We put off and put aside our dreams maybe in the attempt to accept our "today" with the impossibility of tomorrow. Then one day, our dreams waken deep within us and we are strengthened and emboldened to begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

YOU are worth every effort that it takes to ENJOY TODAY. Today is where your life is right now...it is not in "tomorrow". Enjoy the journey. You are worth it!!!

To thine own self, be true...

Once upon a time, there lived an ordinary wonderful person. He was truly a remarkably unremarkable and truly unique person at the same time but because he did not believe as other "more important persons", he was shunned, labeled and name called. He felt as though he was invisible and did not feel "heard", but journeyed through life seeking to understand the discrimination and hatred that others had toward those who are different from them. He was astounded to find the answer within himself. Authenticity did not allow such delusion to exist. He was happy; though sometimes alone, but he loved himself and lived happily all the days of his life.

Ok, that isn't a real story but it could be. Delusion. Illusion. Myth. These are all "beliefs" that anyone can hold for whatever reason. I believe that abuse is founded upon not only "wrong thinking" but "wrong believing". I have actually run upon this "epiphany" quite accidentally while studying the reasons for WHY we believe what we believe and hold to be true; hold so tightly to it so that we will FIGHT to keep that belief, no matter what with no matter whom. It all started by questioning HOW we find ourselves...how do we know WHEN we find ourselves, and the all important question "WHAT DO WE DO WHEN we find ourselves?". I ran across a wonderful quote from a book written by a research psychologist and professor at Columbia University, Arthur T. Jersild's book "In search of self". 

"Compassion 

is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. 

It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak 

and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment."

~ Arthur Jersild ~ 

(In Search of Self: 1952) 

As abuse survivors (and who hasn't felt abused by someone in their lives??? so I speak about and to everyone), we have learned how to treat ourselves because and in the manner that we have been treated. Because of this fact, we have shunned our selves. We may have been "harder on ourselves" than we have on others and this usually "boils down" to FORGIVENESS...forgiving ourselves is important. Self-compassion is important. Self-fulfillment is our goal and I believe that we only reach our goal by "finding ourselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again".

When we SAY NO to self-delusion, we are saying NO to abuse. We deserve to know ourselves, love ourselves and accept ourselves.

We are worth it!!!

Keeping Focused on Healing

Amidst the turmoil, frustration and confusion of abuse, I have found that many people, women predominately, tend to disregard their own personal cues of "need" and tend to "numb out" and lose focus on taking good personal care and embarking on the healing journey.
We struggle day after day just to get out of bed and try to find some meaning for going through this barrage of attacks on our psyche and self-image once again. We see other's needs but have been deceived into believing that taking care of ourselves makes us "selfish" and to prove that we are not; we disregard our own intuition, we doubt ourselves and our perceptions and take on  abuse as our "new truth"...we live in this for sometimes many years before we realize that "THIS IS NOT MY LIFE".

Sometimes, before we realize that we need to take good care of ourselves, we must first IDENTIFY behavior that is disrespectful, demeaning, manipulative, controlling, etc as ABUSE. Many websites, books, articles online, television are discussing the effects of domestic abuse (not only physical but verbal, emotional, mental, financial and spiritual) on women and raising awareness of the NEED for women to be aware of how this undermines their sense of self and purpose are available. (see healing from abuse resource page on this blog)

ACCEPT that you did not cause it, you cannot change it and you cannot control it. When we try to LET GO of the need to control the person who has abused us.  One author coined this as "radical acceptance", the full acceptance of a person and their behavior "as it is" and without our need to change it for either ourselves or them. Take responsibility for our own behavior and decide WHAT WE REALLY WANT in life. We will not be able to change our abuser to meet our needs, in doing this, we are falling into the trap that they have unconsciously left for us. We can then even become manipulative, unloving and demanding, just like an abuser.

Are YOU focused on YOUR healing??? YOU MATTER. Acknowledge abusive behaviors in your life that have damaged your sense of SELF. Take time to "take good care of yourself" today.

You are worth it!!!