Spiritual Journey

WELCOME 

to your spiritual journey...

an opportunity to question YOUR PATH in life 

as we muse along together in 

"finding ourselves, healing from abuse 

and learning to dream again". 

You have not stumbled across this blog by chance. YOUR DESIRE TO LIVE WILDLY, FULLY and FREELY and OVER THE TOP has led you here. This is a great time for YOU to take a few moments in your day to peruse over YOUR spiritual journey in life and ASK: 
IS THIS THE PATH THAT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE? 

Let's start at the beginning with our families. 

What "spirituality" did your family teach you? What was reinforced, allowed or encouraged? What holidays were celebrated? Were they "religious" or "spiritual" holidays or celebrated just because everyone else celebrated them??? What influence and benefit has your "family's faith" had upon your life? Has it been encouraging and OPEN or restrictive and CLOSED?

     Our families are our FIRST impressions of faith of any sort and my family; though morally decent was not specific on one faith view but just a "good" and decent family life and choices. I felt a void. A lack of spiritual guidance and unclear goals and very uncertain values and conflicting and some very obstructive, attitudes and prejudices by my father, mainly, which seemed to cause me to NOT just accept that our family's way of life was the best or that I would just automatically continue it into my own life.

How about culture and religious influences:

Did you or are you planning on choosing a different cultural or religious path than the one that you knew and were taught as a child? Are you "finding yourself" and your expression of faith in another expression of belief in God than the "one" that you have been taught. You know that it is VERY likely; that depending upon the area in which you were raised, you are VERY likely to learn and stay in the faith of the culture that you knew as a child, even if it does not serve to help you mature and develop spiritual. I find this to be a VERY sad FACT. 

     For me, I think that because I was NOT taught a certain faith; or trained to follow certain religious guidelines or was made to adhere to a religious tradition, that I SOUGHT many paths; I was curious about WHY certain cultures saw God in the ways that they did (do) and I read about so many other expressions of faith that the one that was (is) dominant in my residence. I lived in Ohio MOST of my life and only the past three years, here in my new home state of North Carolina.

Our choice of education and career:

Are you doing "what you love?" or have you chosen a career path that at least syncs with your values and your heartfelt dreams? Or do you "do what you do" for the money and have left your dreams on the shelf???

    Do you remember a class your had in high school or college; a career class, where you could explore your interests (perhaps complete a Strong Interest Inventory 

(The Strong Interest Inventory® assessment is one of the world’s most widely respected and frequently used career planning tools. It has helped both academic and business organizations develop the brightest talent and has guided thousands of individuals—from high school and college students to midcareer workers seeking a change—in their search for a rich and fulfilling career. ) to see what you really wanted to do fore a life career??? I remember my Human Relations class, Dr. Mac...that was his real name, he was a tall drink of water, a gentleman and had his Ph D. in Behavioral Studies/Psychology and was teaching High School. One assignment that he gave us to complete was most challenging; "Where do you see yourself in FIVE years"...I look back upon it and though my dissertation was somewhat vague for my 16 years of age, it was and has been very accurate in a general way of who I am and what I desired to spend during my revolutions around the Sun. Do you remember an assignment like this? If not, did you take the MPII in college or at University? I did...and it confirmed but added the field of Science as a great interest of mine; which still is to this day...

Choice of mate/life partner/family of our own: 

I found the most wonderful article on "falling in love" and that most people ONLY fall in love with 3 people in their lifetimes...Here is a wonderful, thought-provoking tool provided by http://thepowerofideas.ideapod.com/fall-love-3-people-lifetime-one-specific-reason/ 

We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason   

By The Power of Ideas - January 27, 2017

It’s true. Philosophers and mystics have raved on for centuries about why we need 3 different lovers. Each one serves a different purpose and there’s no guarantee that all of us will make it to number three.But I bet you’re wondering: 

What the hell are these three different types of loves?

Well, the first one all begins when we’re young. It’s called the “idealistic love”. It’s kind of like a fairy tale. We believe we’re doing it for our family and society.You know, you find the one that is ‘just right’. Everyone will be jealous of you at parties because you’re the ‘perfect couple’. The major problem with this type of love? It relies purely on how other people see you, rather than how you actually feel.

The second type of love is when shit gets real. It’s called the “hard love”. This is where we delve deep into our sexuality, our desires and begin answering the question: Who am I? At times you’ll think that you’re both fated to be together forever. At other times, you’ll want to bite each other’s heads off. It’s passionate, it’s wrong and it’s heart-wrenching. You might break-up, get back together, then break up etc. Each time realizing that it just isn’t meant to be.The good news? You’ve learnt a TON about who you are and what you really want in life.

The third type of love comes out of nowhere. When you meet this person, you’d never consider that you’d end up with them. Perhaps you’re not looking for a relationship, or you think that you’re personalities would clash, but when the connection ignites, it will take off like a lightning strike that neither one of you are prepared for. When you start dating, it just fits. Your personalities bounce off each other like a trampoline. You compliment each other’s strengths and weakness and you both feel like you take on the world. It just feels right. And so it should. You’ve been through struggles, bad breakups, and people who have just plain tried to take advantage of you. But now, you know yourself better than ever, and most importantly, you know deep in your soul that you want to spend the rest of your life with this truly special person.

All of these loves have their reasons, and the lessons you learn through each phase will only help you grow. The people I really feel sorry for are those who never make it to number three.

     I had reviewed my "love lives" prior to reading this article and in my naivete, I deemed that though I had "3 loves" that I had not truly YET experience the "true and lasting" kind of love... They had, very neatly, fallen into the descriptions given in the above article. It has caused me to be thankful; I HAVE HAD 3 loves (two loves to many, I truly only desired to know, marry and love JUST ONE man for a lifetime: but that is not possible) I still am looking and waiting for the idealistic "true love" to find me or me, him. It was upon the FIRST love relationship and it's demise that I chose to begin "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"...I did not know about his Borderline Personality Disorder at the time and returned to him...to experience a "dream come true" only to endure the heartbreak of it turning into a "BPD nightmare" complete with infidelity on his part, refusal to "let me have my things" that I brought into the relationship and a TON of broken promises.  I then married my first husband and learned about addictive behavior and abuse (and how NOT to be codependent) and religious dependency or identity that is fake or shallow at best. My second husband, which I thought would be my "last" is my son's father (some say "sperm donor") from whom I learned all about MALIGNANT NARCISSISM, misogynistic abuse and religious "control".   After healing and soul searching, I returned to my "first love" only to find gratitude in all the lessons that I had learned about myself and abuse through marriages with husbands #1 and #2.  

Thank you for reading and please feel free to SHARE this post with others who are needing to embark on their healing journey of "finding themselves, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". I know it may sound cliche, but it is not. It is not trivial, drivel or trite "sayings"...it is OUR life and we deserve to spend it JUST AS WE WOULD LIKE it to be...

I wish you peace dear one...may this posting find you WELL, HAPPY and WHOLE...

D 

Singing a New Song 

The foundation of healing

Starting over is something that we must do to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". Instead of embarking on a new adventure, we may feel that we have failed and have to "start again". That's when we need to find a "new song".

I remember saying to myself, "I want my old life back" but after much thought, I realized that my old life is what got me into an abusive relationship with a christian man whom I assumed would be respectful, loving and caring. My "old life" was one of dependence upon others, by choice, in trusting one who proved to be unworthy of my trust. I had an epiphany and vision of sorts, before I even began my healing journey. Sometimes, we may need to admit to ourselves, that "letting go" of the life that we are living and embracing a NEW life; one that does not necessarily try to hold onto to all or many of the elements of the damaged and abusive life that we endured, that it is time to find a new song to sing and stop trying to fix the old one. 

I remember being at a "deep healing" place in my life when I "needed to place bricks" (dislodged or misplaced) parts of my life, in the "road of my life" so that if I would ever need to walk over the same place again, they would be placed "squarely" so that I would not stumble over them. I likened the bricks to "tying each knot" and leaving no lose ends in the relationship/marriage so I could move on with my life. It might have been many years later that I began to understand, that I did not understand that I didn't understand so much about myself. 

I then started to believe that I wanted a NEW life. 

I wanted a life where I would be able to be freely me and to follow my dreams without hindrance. All in all, setting a GOOD foundation for my life; based upon truth and self-knowledge was where my healing could find a home and I could move on to invite peace into my life and world. 

My healing truly started with seeing "my brick road" before me, as a vision of the foundation for the healing path that I would safely and successfully travel the rest of my life.

Life is a journey, not a destination ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

I once believed that whatever I did today would "get me to my future" tomorrow...

but somewhere along the way, I forgot to enjoy "today".

When I was younger, I "lived for the future" instead of being mindful and fully living "today". I have heard it referred to as "wishing your life away". I used all my energy to drag myself through each day; just trying to survive the mind bending, soul wrenching and spirit crushing verbal and emotional abuse. Each morning seemed like waking up finding myself serving a prison sentence and each night after working in an office all day, going back to my prison cell. I was surviving but not thriving or living. The presence of oppression and abuse seemed to confuse and cloud my vision of any "dream". The deeper I sunk into despair, the further away my "future" seemed and the more impossible my dream seemed to become. Over time, I began to realize that I was "in denial" and the breaking away of denial by TRUTH was freeing me to "find myself, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

The epiphany finally came where I realized that I was LIVING MY LIFE right now and that just biding my time and weakly hoping for a future would not get me there. I started to find good things in each day; of course, they usually did not have anything to do with the behavior or person of my abuser but my other family members; my son, my mom and friends were sources of enjoyment and opportunities for relief from the hellish life I was living.

Being musical and "sensitive", I began to involve myself in my hobbies, my joys and my stress outlets. I realized that in these activities, I was "finding myself" in finding the things that brought me joy. I began to see the woundedness that I had endured and started calling it what it was; ABUSE. I treated myself kindly and day by day I learned to be patient with myself and to stop making excuses for others. Positive self-talk was vital at this point in my life. "Learning to dream again" was something that needed to be "excavated", after been deeply buried within my heart and consciousness. My dream was to be with the man whom I first loved; my first love. This seemed so impossible yet I dreamt of him and my heart would not let him go. I had no choice but to face my dream, deal with my feelings of its impossibility and I daily worked through my feelings, my fears and my frustrations until I could see myself FREE to follow my dream.

Why do we "put off until tomorrow what we (need) can do today???". We put off and put aside our dreams maybe in the attempt to accept our "today" with the impossibility of tomorrow. Then one day, our dreams waken deep within us and we are strengthened and emboldened to begin to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again". 

YOU are worth every effort that it takes to ENJOY TODAY. Today is where your life is right now...it is not in "tomorrow". Enjoy the journey. You are worth it!!!

Where are YOU? Have you "found yourself"?

Being an introvert, I may have always been more NATURALLY inquisitive about "what is inside" of ME. I really only learned in the past 15 years that this may be very different from what others may experience. I have always sensed that I was part of another WHOLE WORLD inside of me; music, art, writing, fully embracing the world both within me and outside of me with my whole heart. I have always striven to become "who I really am". I understand that it MIGHT NOT be so natural for others, especially those of us who have been damaged by abuse. 

I care about "where you are" on your healing journey. 
Won't you join me in "walking down your life's path" 
for a few moments? 

Everyone matures and grows at different rates, with different influences, obstacles and  perspectives. So you may have started on your journey of "finding you" when you were a teen. You may have been "fighting to be YOU" and rebelling against authority of your parents and teachers and even society. This might have led you to ESCAPE the journey of "finding you" by busying yourself in substance abuse, illicit and risk taking relationships or perhaps you might have I HID within  ART, SCIENCE, LOGIC, ORGANIZATION, TEACHING, SPORTS...But thinking that we are adding VALUE to our lives by adding PLEASURE to it through these activities is an illusion and only a distraction from "becoming who we really are". 

We may trying to find ourselves after realizing that damaging abuse required that we learn how to take good care of ourselves...I know that it was a failed marriage, one that I found that I was married to a man with an addiction, possibly used to HIDE FROM HIMSELF the pain, sorrow or fear that he hid deep within his heart. I could see this "need" in others and eventually realized that I was seeing it in myself as well. 

I "found myself" in the things that I love...music, art, philosophy. The more I enjoyed these disciplines, the more I actively invested my life into their study and further enjoyment. I added something of myself to my love of music, I started writing songs. Then I recorded and performed those songs. I could SEE MYSELF in my songs. The songs were "birthed" out of me. I "found myself" in the things that I LOVE. 

We may have learned that we have HID from ourselves, denied our pain and sorrow, pushed down other's opinions and rejection of who we are and have even "lost our selves" in the process. However your path has led you to "finding yourself" has been part of what was taught and presented to you as "being life" and is very normal. But we all have an EPIPHANY and begin to embark on this healing journey where we may find that we do not want to live our lives without "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again", as we realize that this is the only healthy way to live our lives..

BE HEALTHY...TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU today...
YOU are worth it!!!